Needy man in the coffeeshop

It wouldn't bother me, everyone seems to chat to everyone. That said it is sad if he is lonely or depressed, youd think there'd be clubs and organisations that would be better suited for him than trying to make friends in cafes.

Oh don't talk rubbish....this man was very passive aggressive and probably would have gone on to say (or heavily imply) that he's disappointed in people because they don't waste their spare time talking to him.

Yes he's probably harmless and uses manipulation because of poor social skills but this sort of thing winds people up....although no-one seems to have mentioned the manipulative tactics.

That said, I'm one of those smiley women who put up with this crap. And I can tell you from experience that within a few minutes he'd be in love with the OP and hassling her constantly. These old men are all the same.

On the other hand, he was inviting you not to disappoint him, which is a bit much when you don’t know him.

My thoughts here are that you're asking him a leading question, "How are you?" That says to him that you want to know how he is, you will stand and listen to his reply, so he's giving it to you. Just smile and say good morning on your way to the counter, or just smile, or ignore him! The control of this is with you x

He’s not stopping you doing anything. You’re stopping yourself, because your need to be externally validated/viewed as a “nice “ person, came back to bite you in the arse. So you’re taking the easy way out, painting yourself as a victim instead of doing the normal thing and just not engage if you don’t want to. Hell, you don’t even have to smile or acknowledge him in any way, but what would people think…. Right?

How incredibly rich

@BeanQuisinethanks for that laugh ‘not my problem mate, stick it up your arse’ 😂. My advice @Member968405 is don’t ask questions if you don’t want answers.

If young people display a lack of social skills, people are quick to suggest some neurodiversity. Yet, if it's an older person, he's a fuckwit, a loser, or manipulative.
Just some of the descriptions on this thread.

Don't neurodiverse young people grow up into neurodiverse old people then?

This is a problem entirely of your own creation.

He looks up with a 'sad face'. Maybe he's sad because the opening door breaks his train of thought. Maybe he's sad to see 'that weird woman who always talks to me when I'm trying to write'. Maybe he's writing a sad story. Maybe he just has one of those faces. 'Talk to me eyes' is similarly your intererpretation.

You are the one approaching him. You are the one initiating conversation, and asking questions to extend it. Perhaps his choice of deep and controversial topics instead of small talk is in the hope it will put you off.

You don't have to do any of this. You could say help and walk in. You could say nothing and just smile. You could - radical thought - not interact with him at all. Walk in, place your order, take a seat, without giving him any thought whatsoever.

He isn't stopping you doing anything. His behaviour that you're so bothered by you're thinking of avoiding an entire building consists of looking up when the door opens - he may not even realise he's doing it. Everything that follows is your choice.

Me: Hi how are you? @Member968405

That's your mistake from the start.

Just say hi if it's unavoidable and move on to your table.

Its not just men that do this women do it to.
Believe me I have met a few, i lived next door to one for 5 long year, thank good i moved in the end.

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But do you ever try to engage him in small talk? He probably goes into those topics because he's lonely and if he has all day to read the paper and watch the news then that is what he is exposed to. He probably isn't that interested himself. He just doesn't know what else to bring up.

Next time he says something on a topic you don't want to get into, maybe just say "I don't know about that. My focus today is on my garden. How do you think I could get rid of snails?" or whatever small talk conversation you would be interested in talking about. He'll either take the lead and enjoy talking about something you're interested in, or he'll be bored and find a way out of your conversation.

Or if you just do't want to talk to him at all. Just smile and say "hello" and don't follow up with "how are you?"

Many lonely people are energy drainers

If other humans have the capacity to drain, then others must have the capacity to refill.
Only neither is true. We are repsonsible for ourselves.

He is being emotionally manipulative but stop engaging. Cut him off mid sentence and sit somewhere else.

Its not just men who do this. Ive come across women who have tried to suck any ounce of joy or peace from me too. Many lonely people are energy drainers.

Of course you can pull back (and no, you don’t have to change cafes).

Go somewhere else for a couple of weeks if you want to create a break. Then switch to non-inviting greetings (Hi, lovely day, hope the writing’s going well!) continue to the counter, get your treat, and sit somewhere away.

Unless you think the break would invite conversation about where you’ve been - in which case just carry on and pull back.

It is 100% in your gift to stop having these lengthy conversations. The only thing stopping you is your mindset and ‘manners’.

For god’s sake don’t be put off your favourite cafe!

He’s there ‘every single day’ and looks at everyone that comes in.
Why do you ask him how he is, if you’re not interested in his answer? Bizarre.

I see I’m in the minority here, but I think it’s lovely to chat to local people and potentially even build a friendship. That doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries and tell them that you just need to sit quietly by yourself for some headspace on some days. In this situation I’d say something like “I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope your day improves. My week has been really busy so I’m looking forward to sitting quietly with a coffee and my book for a few minutes”.

No, he hasn’t actually. He looks at you. That’s it. You keep walking over and talking to him. Does everyone else do that as well, during your time in the cafe do you see everyone else do that too? Or do they just get on with their coffee and pastry without this guy interfering?

Stop talking to him. Just stop. You don’t need to avoid the cafe. Just grow a backbone maybe.

I’m afraid that I’m with other posters who think you are at least half responsible fir the situation.

Changimg cafe is your choice. And there is no ‘too far away to just blank him’. It might be uncomfortable to ignore him or yo say, if he is saying hello to you first - which he never does?- ‘I’m sorry but I’m not up for a chat today’ and then move away.
the reality is that your feelings of being uncomfirtable having a ‘tought/uncomfirtable’ discusdion, aka putting boundaries, that is driving you away from that cafe. Not him. Not the least because he isn’t the one initiating the conversation.

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing

I am not sure he's entirely to blame here OP!

All you can do is look at your own interaction with him and work on that. Nothing open ended seems like a good start! No questions.

Also if he does take up too much of your time you can stop him at any point "I hate to interrupt but I only have a quick lunch break so I need to get on, have a good day"

I would hand him a befriending service leaflet next time you see him. I had a customer like this once when I worked in a pub, his wife had died a few years before and he basically lived in the pub. He was miserable but turned out he just wanted company and when he let his guard down (took a long time) he was a really decent bloke full of some of the best stories. I even invited him out to my birthday drinks!
Eventually he ended up in a care home, but he did thank me for giving him some happy memories!

those of us with little alone time need very clear boundaries.
rechargong is absolutely vital

The OP's going out her way to be annoyed at this old boy. If his replies are going to piss you off, don’t speak to him, ffs. Problem solved. Then, of course, she comes on here to berate the poor old soul.