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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Needy man in the coffeeshop

258 replies

Member968405 · 31/03/2026 10:53

We have a lovely coffeeshop nearby: independent, great coffee and pastries, lots of plants. Much nicer than Costa. A few minutes in there is my only peaceful time, a few times a week.

Every single day an older man is sitting in there. He says he’s ‘writing’ but he looks up at every single person who comes in, with ‘please talk to me’ eyes.

I have tried to be friendly, but it’s never just a quick chat about the weather. It’s always something enormous and I can’t get away: gender, immigration, his life history at great length. Yesterday:

Me: Hi how are you?
Him: Not good
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Sometimes I just find people are so disappointing.

I was determined not to get trapped again so I just smiled and walked away at that point. Then felt guilty a bit but it’s ridiculous at this point.

Why do some men think women owe them a conversation?

YABU: Talk to him every time
YANBU: Quick smile and sit somewhere else

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
BauhausOfEliott · 07/04/2026 10:01

Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

Or you could just tell him you’re busy and don’t want to chat FFS

Laserwho · 05/04/2026 09:51

Man goes to 2 different coffee shops. Its not unusual. I go to several, so do many many other people I know now. And he doesn't owe you an explanation as to why he was there. You are not the coffee shop police

PullTheBricksDown · 03/04/2026 17:12

DreamyJade · 31/03/2026 10:55

You don’t owe him anything, but it would be nice to have a two minute chat if you can spare it. Often elderly people won’t talk to anyone for days at a time.

Did you miss the part where OP said it never is a two minute chat, it goes on and on for ages?

YerMotherWasAHamster · 03/04/2026 16:50

Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

Its more likely that he spends his days going from coffee shop to coffee shop than he is stalking you.

FritataPatate · 03/04/2026 13:39

Totally ridiculous to avoid cafes altogether, OP! You have been given lots of good suggestions here for how to politely shut down his monologues.

Roadtripp · 03/04/2026 13:26

Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

Weird how did he see you running past your original coffee shop and then get ahead of you to be sat seated in the new coffee shop?

Did you engage with him in the new coffee shop?

Nothung · 03/04/2026 13:21

EwwPeople · 31/03/2026 14:53

He’s not stopping you doing anything. You’re stopping yourself, because your need to be externally validated/viewed as a “nice “ person, came back to bite you in the arse. So you’re taking the easy way out, painting yourself as a victim instead of doing the normal thing and just not engage if you don’t want to. Hell, you don’t even have to smile or acknowledge him in any way, but what would people think…. Right?

Exactly this. It’s classic people-pleasing. The OP can only control her own behaviour here. She’s not being held at gunpoint to talk to this man. She could perfectly well go to her favourite coffee shop as usual, nod hello and choose to ignore any indications he wants to chat.

maddiemookins16mum · 03/04/2026 13:21

Any excuse to have a moan about men eh Op!

NovemberMorn · 03/04/2026 13:16

Seeingadistance · 02/04/2026 21:11

He's probably trying to avoid you. He's been going to a cafe for peace and quiet, to think and write, and you keep starting conversations with him. He's tried being grumpy and talking at great length to put you off, but still you persist!

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That was my thought too.😎

Baaaadbunny · 02/04/2026 23:56

BeanQuisine · 02/04/2026 21:42

It's getting a bit nightmarish. Are you sure that other people can see him?

Next time, quietly ask another customer - "Can you see a sad-eyed old man sitting in that corner?"

The puzzled reply might be, "Eh, no? It's just an empty table..."

...followed by sudden discordant incidental music.

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😂😂😂 this made me laugh so hard

Agapornis · 02/04/2026 22:35

Ah mate. Don't avoid doing what you enjoy. Big sunglasses, headphones a cap, different coat? Maybe a wig and a beard...

BeanQuisine · 02/04/2026 21:42

Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

It's getting a bit nightmarish. Are you sure that other people can see him?

Next time, quietly ask another customer - "Can you see a sad-eyed old man sitting in that corner?"

The puzzled reply might be, "Eh, no? It's just an empty table..."

...followed by sudden discordant incidental music.

Seeingadistance · 02/04/2026 21:11

Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

He's probably trying to avoid you. He's been going to a cafe for peace and quiet, to think and write, and you keep starting conversations with him. He's tried being grumpy and talking at great length to put you off, but still you persist!

Ghostorno · 02/04/2026 21:01

MrMucker · 31/03/2026 11:21

Blimey, here we go again. Really?
Used to be basic, normal, random small talk because essentially we are all the human race and communication is cohesive and informative.
But now? It's a threat, a breach of boundaries, gender based cheeky fuckery, a symptom of being old/crazy/abusive delete as applicable.

Reality is that this man and op have way more in common than not.. It's two human beings in the same public space.
Sometimes I feel like crying that nowadays so many human beings try to mark themselves as private, different, special, "having boundaries", entitled to do their thing, leave me alone, how dare you look at me I have rights you know, and and and.
But actually we're all just people, exactly the same as one another, and it makes me so sad that we used to use small talk to establish the actual detailed facts about how we are different from each other, but now we assume our differences to be reasons to avoid talking.
Small talk died, I can't think of anything sadder.

It’s not small talk or a two way chat when the other party completely dominates the conversation.

moontrees · 02/04/2026 20:50

Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

No, see this as a good thing - now you can go back to the first one!

Original poster
Member968405 · 02/04/2026 20:46

I went to a different coffeeshop the other day - and he was in there. No explanation for the change. I think he may have seen me running past the first one - or I may just be being paranoid.

Anyway -taking a break from cafes now.

OP posts:
FinalFinalFile · 02/04/2026 20:33

BoogieTownTop · 02/04/2026 09:00

*her own

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Her OP is about whether it’s reasonable to not continue a conversation with him each time. Not about some deficit in her perceived ‘skills’. I’m sure she’s more than capable.

Roadtripp · 02/04/2026 20:10

@Member968405 how are you doing? Have you gone back to your fav coffee shop or have you chosen to go elsewhere? How have the various opinions on this thread impacted you?

takealettermsjones · 02/04/2026 10:16

BeanQuisine · 31/03/2026 19:27

Neutral pleasantries you can utter as you pass, perhaps with a cheery wink:

"Looks like we're still on target for the cup!"

"Green as a goat out there and it's not even May!"

"Enough brass monkeys to clear my sinuses, at any rate!"

"Lovely shot from Shearer in the second half!"

"It never rains but then three come at once, I don't know!"

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Apart from the football ones none of these make any sense 😂😂

The13thFairy · 02/04/2026 10:05

Starlight1979 · 31/03/2026 11:20

So why does she ask "Hi, how are you?" if she wants peace and quiet?!

I mean, I'm not for being rude and would probably engage with the man for a short while if I had time, however if you don't want to talk to someone then don't approach them and start conversation!!!

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When I was teaching English we taught our learners that when an English person asks 'how are you?' they don't actually want to know. They are simply acknowledging your presence and your answer should be 'fine, thanks.'

Squirrel60 · 02/04/2026 09:37

He's probably just bored and lonely, but you owe him absolutely nothing at all.

Sit somewhere else whenever possible and ignore him as much as you can.

BoogieTownTop · 02/04/2026 09:00

BoogieTownTop · 02/04/2026 09:00

So he is decision, she needs to work on her own skills.

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*her own

BoogieTownTop · 02/04/2026 09:00

FinalFinalFile · 02/04/2026 06:53

Female socialisation.

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So he is decision, she needs to work on her own skills.

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2026 08:38

NarnianQueen · 02/04/2026 08:20

Is he there all day? Could you switch your schedule around so you could still go, at a different time?

The point is, she doesn't need to. She just needs to stop approaching him and initiating and engaging him in conversation.

It's that simple. It doesn't need a plan of action beyond saying nothing.

NarnianQueen · 02/04/2026 08:20

Is he there all day? Could you switch your schedule around so you could still go, at a different time?