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Original poster

Does everyone turn “funny” or bitter in the old age?

58 replies

KalmsOneaNight · 31/03/2026 07:33

I have a very small family, so my sample is small, and I am hoping to hear that some people have had different experience.

DG (this is DM’s account as I live in another country): in her late 70s onwards, was saying this like “still alive” when DM would call her daily, and not in jokey way. Gaslighting DM for living her life, instead of constantly fussing over her. They have always had a difficult relationship.

DM (now 75) swore to me that she will never be like this. True enough, she does not complain. For conext - I have not seen them for a few years. Partly due to war Covid, the war, they are in the Ukraine. I know they resent me for not going but DF has been nasty to me my whole life, she has just watched, so I do use it as an excuse. I support them financially. Instead of GM tactics, she gives me silent treatment. No detail of their life, no complaints, one line daily updates, mainly “all ok” like she went LC with me. I called her the other day, she said “what would you like to discuss?” Not acknowledged Mother’s Day greeting either. This came on gradually over the last two or three years. When they need a significant injection of cash beyond what I send them monthly, she puts DF on the phone, who only is nice to me when they need something.

Now, I adore my DC and they are also keen to live abroad. I never want to be like either of them, but neither did DM and here we are. I want to be generous and supportive of my DC, no matter circumstances, to pass no veiled resentment.

FIL has never reached 80s. He was a true gent when we first met 20 years ago, but has over time become a bitter, bullish man towards MIL.

I am aware that change of character can be an early sign of dementia.

MIL is 82, switched on in her comfort zone, has her moments but generally emotionally she is not hard work like the other three.

I would love to hear some other stories and any tips on how to not be I’m like this.

Also, DC worked a carer to elderly for a few years and some really old people were lovely. No idea if they were like this with DC only as a stranger and what they were like with their DC. But she did say that those who have not “given up”, not lost interest in themselves and the world are the ones who remain upbeat and lovely to work with.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 31/03/2026 08:16

No.

young people have a variety of personalities. So do old people.

family relationships can be complicated. Many people would not financially support a parent they didn’t get on with.

Boomer55 · 31/03/2026 08:14

Well, I don’t think I’m bitter or ‘funny’. 😳

But, then again, I’ve always had a positive upbeat take on life - through any stress and trauma, I’ve just batted on.

My DH dying knocked me for 6, mentally and physically, for a while, but I knew I needed to climb out of having my own little self pity-party so I did.

Perhaps it just depends on your underlying personality. 🤷‍♀️

DeQuin · 31/03/2026 08:13

My aunt was not like this. She had a traumatic childhood (very traumatic) and made a choice early on that she would focus on all the good things that happened to her. She lived to be 84, and even though she demented towards the end, she always always chose to see the good things in life. It was a very deliberate choice. She was a joy to be around right to the end, and I learned a lot from her about how I want to live my life.

Ozgirl76 · 31/03/2026 08:11

My parents are 80 and haven’t turned like that yet either. My dad has terminal cancer and even through that he’s stayed positive, hasn’t focussed on it and has looked on the bright side (“I’d prefer to go of cancer than dementia!”) and my mum is charmingly British about it “none of us are going to live forever darling”.

They are very lucky though in that they’ve had a long and happy marriage, plenty of money, lots of friends, hobbies and a generally positive outlook on life.

Original poster
KalmsOneaNight · 31/03/2026 08:10

@Seaitoverthere Thank you, I hope your SM is OK. It’s a lovely story about the rose, what colour is it?

Good point about counting your blessings, very similar to fashionable “gratitude journals”, and just shows it works.

OP posts:
Seaitoverthere · 31/03/2026 08:07

I don’t think everyone goes like that. My Mum was always a nightmare and got dementia but my Dad died of cancer shortly before he was 85. Diagnosis and died 5 days later so had clearly been living with it and not told anyone. I have a rose in my back garden he dug up about 3 weeks before he died.

He was the love of my stepmum’s life and it has been difficult for her without him but she has cracked on, is lovely and never complains. She is waiting for a biopsy result and I really hope all ok.

My neighbour is in her 70s and yesterday told me I should have let her know about something that happened and she would have helped me clean up, she has leukeumia.

So I think it is an individual thing. All 3 of the above are/were quite stoic and pragmatic and counted their blessings rather than looked at the negatives of a situation and I think that mind set helps.

Original poster
KalmsOneaNight · 31/03/2026 07:56

@Ponoka7 I said to her - no agenda, just a catch up, she was quiet, and I was trying to fill the silence, until she said DF called her three times and she has to go. It’s embarrassing that I still babble like a child. What you said is exactly what my DH says, happy enough to take my money….

I cannot see myself confronting her ever. She was always a domineering, explosive character who minimised how DF has treated me. But she was also very loving in many ways. No double about the war impact, I think she also feels powerless over her life and me now, but I honestly do not know if it’s a manipulation or illness. I will not have it out with her because I do not want to upset her more if she is fragile but I also think she will stonewall any questions, which makes a remote relationship even technically difficult.

Still, I do not want this thread to be about my situation specifically, but about how not to be come like this?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 31/03/2026 07:42

What was your answer to your Mother? Do you think that the war is affecting your DM? I think whatever personality flaws and negative traits a person has, gets worse with age. If it wasn't for the war, I'd say have it out with her. She can be bothered to take your money, but can't be bothered to speak to you.

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