To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

Selective piss taking would be more accurate! I'd ask him why he manages to be present with the kids when his parents are around, but he doesn't bother himself with his family the rest of the time.

Let him know you've noticed the difference and he's not being as subtle as he probably thinks he is. I'm sure his reply will be along the lines of not wanting his parents to think badly of him. The implication there is he doesn't care what you or your kids think of him. If that doesn't hit home and make him buck up, I'm not sure what will.

Realistically, you need to get a job or this will end in divorce.
I always said to my H that going to work is not a free pass to being a sofa sloth. Going out to work isn’t relentless, lonely & invisible, like being a SAHM.
Tell him you are going back to work, as that way you’ll have lunch break, work colleagues, & a quiet drive to work with your play list, & he will then have to participate in the evening & w/e,

He isn't “helping” because he is lazy, doesn’t enjoy it & you are there to step in.
When you confront him, he will say You are the one who wanted 3 kids, You always nag, You tell him things are done wrong…
Honestly how can you live with & respect him, when he is a disinterested non parent & partner ( like in “partnership” !)
Tell him he needs to have all 3 for a day, plus make the meals/shop/laundry/housework/bottles/ bath & bed time, & tell you its not a full on 24 hour job. & when you see him playing on his phone, sighing & puffing like a train, & then, putting on the show & acting like a caring competent father in front of his parents, its pitiful. it just takes him down yet another notch in your esteem.

So - besides being able to earn lots of money so you don’t have to work - and helping create the children, and performative parenting for his parents - what else is he good for and why are you still with him? If you left him, you could free up more time, find someone who actually values you and be happy - would you not prefer that?

Three children is a lot of work with two engaged parents. He doesn't get to decide he has the weekends off when he has three children. Probably though the time to have these conversations was before the children came along.

Ah, performative parent...the perogative of so many shit fathers. Ex was like this, but his excuse was and remains he is "too busy". (He's not, he's just fundamentally selfish and lazy, which sounds like your partner.) Yet his friends visit and he's all, 'I'll hold the baby while you eat'. Drives me absolutely batshit, as it's all fake and it makes people think he's a nice guy when he's really not.

He doesn't need a break after a working week. There is no "time off" when you're a parent. A real parent doesn't get to dip into parenting for the fun bits and fuck off when anything gets loud/messy/upsetting/hard.

@lxn889121 is correct. He won't change and you can't make him. You just need to decide what you can put up with and make choices that stem from that.

You say you chose not to work- was DH on board with this or did he take some persuading? Seems like a classic SAHM =does everything for the children assumption. My advice would be to get a job in all honesty - even part time - so he has to do more. With the in law visits, could you meet a friend for a few hours one of the days so he really gets a taste of what your every day is like? ….. I wonder whether he imagines you sitting on the sofa gazing at your children playing harmoniously together most of the day…..

Did he want 3 children or was he just going along with your wishes? He might get better when the children become older but he doesn’t seem to enjoy parenting. Have you asked him why he’s so much better when his parents are there, and if he can step up more the rest of the time? It sounds rubbish to be honest. I think you need to buy in more help as he’s not going to be much use.

No, it's logical and fair.

Presumably he agreed to have 3 children?

If he earns well, then he can pay for some kind of help for you at home?

Congratulations. You have 4 children.

Seriously, he is behaving like an overgrown toddler. It's even more infuriating that he puts on a show for his parents - so he knows full well he isn't pulling his weight.

As for what the answer is - only you can handle that. He clearly protects his downtime with every bit of his strength - you need to do the same. You need a break too.

Or is he one of those who thinks stay at home mothers sit at home all day relaxing? It's his entire mindset which needs a shift - the only thing I can think of is for you to get a pt job, so he will be forced to help. I don't know what else you can do - he clearly doesn't care.

I say this with kindness; did he want 3 children? It seems like one of those situations where perhaps you might have wanted more and he didn't really?

In fairness, he does provide enough money for you to stay at home and have 3 children. Our work as SAHMums is never ending and tiring. It is tiring in a different way to out of the home work, which tends to have more time sensitive pressure points and stress. Both types of work require juggling and effort, out of the house work normally requires quite a bit of "best face forward" type masking which can be pretty tiring.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with him over this and explain what you find difficult and what help you would like. It sounds like his lazy lounging around isn't actually giving him the recharge he needs. I usually start by asking my husband what he needs from the weekend by about Wednesday evening/Thursday morning. I'll note that down, along with a couple of weekend jobs/chores and then, if he forgets to ask me back I'll pipe up with "I'd like to slot in a gym trip on Sunday morning and I'll take half an hr for a coffee and some time to journal on my way home" as I know these things work for me.

During the week id there any chance of you getting a hour to yourself? Gym/nap/walk/coffee? If not, try to do something for yourself during your children's nap times.

With children as young as yours are, resentment creeps in whatever the working patterns of both parents. You are both tired, stressed and running on empty. Try to find compassion for each other and work through it.

Yet another post about a man who had children he can't be arsed to parent

It's getting tedious isn't it.

Why do women continue to have children by men who won't pull their weight?

Buy the book and the cards Fair Play be Eve Rodsky. It’s a really good way you can make things fair. You read the book first, then you get the cards out, and divvy out between you, who does what when. It’s a brilliant way for your DH to see how much mental load you take on (if he’s willing to).
Its not divvying things up 50/50, it’s making things more fair.
I highly recommend.

He is more concerned with how people perceive him than how he is behind closed doors.
I would try to discuss how tiring looking after three DC is, acknowledge he he must be tired too and suggest that you both can pull together at the weekends to give both of you separate times to relax and unwind.

So your work is 24/7, but his is 12/5

Well I’d tell him to step up or step away. At least you’d get EOW.

Rule in our house - one up, all up.

I'd say to his parents "you must visit more" and eirher make a pointed look at him being a model dad/husband or say exactly what you mean. But then again I'm quite blunt and I'd say why out loud.

Yes, you shouldn’t have to but this is the way forward. And call him out on his performance “why can you do it when your parents are here”

Life is too short for this rubbish and time wasting therapy, sit down with him and have a chat over a cup of tea nonsense. You know he won't change, he doesn't do it for you so he won't do it for his kids.
I would feel like a single parent in your shoes so I would carry on being a single parent without dickhead cluttering up the seatee for a start.
He can performance parent for his parents when he takes the kids to see them. Just because he works for a wage long hours doesn't mean he's not a dead beat in other ways. On the otherhand you are on call 24 /7 and don't get paid.

Get back to work asap so you’re more financially independent. You have to decide if you can put up with this for the next 20 years minimum.

Tbf 8am to 7 pm is long hours so I understand that he's tired. He presumably earns very well so start by getting a cleaner and an occasional baby-sitter so that you get some time to yourself.
Then plan for him to take the 2 eldest out every week-end- it could be a walk in the forest, park, soft play whatever so that he parents on his own.

Jesus why have three children?

He clearly doesn't enjoy parenting

This must have been pretty obvious by child number 2 at least. Nevertheless you have 3 children and a husband who isn't interested in being a dad.

On some level he knows it's wrong, hence the performance when his parents come to stay.

However it's totally in his interest not to understand that, so if you challenge him you'll get all the usual "oh everything i do is wrong so I won't bother" and so on.

So you have two choices

1. Go back to work and pay for some childcare.
2. Divorce

He's not going to change so you have to accept on some level that this problem is also yours to solve.

I was also a SAHM by choice but when I eventually got a job I realised my life actually became a lot easier. It feels insane saying that because juggling childcare, work and household chores is certainly not easy, but it took that for my husband to finally step up and do more with his kids as well as around the house. But either way, I do think having a job to fall back on is very wise should you eventually have enough of this marriage and want out.
I would also be livid if my husband played devoted daddy in front of his parents, that’s so insulting to you. He is so insulting to you.

Another one asking if he really wanted three children. And we have plenty of mothers on here complaining about working full time and then finding it very, very hard to do all the family shit too - so why are we surprised when a bloke doesn’t want to do it either?

It’s hard to enjoy the drudgery of family life. That’s no excuse for not trying though.

@amria I'm going to take a guess that it's you that wanted 3 children and to be a SAHM. You presumably knew by the 2nd that DH saw his role as provider and not much beyond?
So if you've then gone on to have another child as a SAHM I think you've made your bed. He won't change.
So you either get on with it until the DC are older and more independent, or become a single parent. In which case you'll still be pretty much doing it all anyway.