To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

He is showing up in front of his parents because he needs to maintain an image that he is a good person.
I’d be interested to know why you don’t get on with your ILs?
are they the kind of people who judge you or overstep boundaries in your home? Do they display a dislike because you are with their son? Are they overly critical of you for no reason? Do they take advantage of you or are they cold towards you?

your DH is prioritising his own needs. On a normal weekend it’s pure selfishness on his part. The early years with kids is really really hard. You have to completely sacrifice parts of your life for a long time. He is not doing this. He has a selfish arrogance that he gets to chose because he earns the money. You are both building a family and a life, financially or nurturing - it’s about building the home.

its also selfishness when he shows up as a normal dad when his parents visit.

he is unable to think about 5 people (you and kids as well as himself). He can only think as 1 - himself. There are lots of reasons why people’s brains are selfish like this. From the simple lazy/selfishness and lack of awareness of their role to more complex executive functioning issues. I would concentrate on working out the why in order to know how to approach this with him and how likely it is he will take the initiative to change, and how much he wants to change. You can’t change him - he has to want to change.

what was his home life like as a child? Is he copying what he saw his father do?

you’d also need to resolve some of the in-law issues, which is why I asked questions to gauge if there’s any scope here.

Not sure how you can change him but I would definitely get a job. I am in my late 40s and so many of my friends who stayed at home have been divorced by their husbands and are really stuck. He doesn't value your contribution and I wouldn't bet on him sticking around when he gets to middle age. However, by that point you wouldn't have worked for ages and won't have a pension. Don't rely on him.

@Diosmonet "Young women need to be encouraged to read these boards while they are still full of romantic notions about getting married and having babies."

This x100.

I tell every young woman I meet (that will listen) "do not even think about having a child unless you are physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially able and willing, to raise that child alone".

Oh, and I notice you say you ‘chose not to work.’ But you are working, everyday, 7 days a week, long hours. You are both working on different parts of raising a family and maintaining a home - and it should be done equitably when you are both home, imo.

I would ask him if he wants the dc to grow up thinking he is a shit dad? I understand during the week he is tired but I am sure you are too. Can you suggest taking it in turns for a lay in but then be up and properly parenting at weekends. I married a man like this and I ended up doing more and more including working part time. My dc told me the other day they remember him sitting watching football a lot and not much else. I did leave for multiple reasons. I would try talking to him but you need to stand up to him. He needs to help properly. You weren’t to know that he was going to be a lazy parent.

THIS

I recommend Zawn Villines substack for unpicking why men do this. It’s called Liberating Motherhood. Sadly, I don’t think you can persuade him nicely. Someone further up suggested that you’ll need to say loudly and uncomfortably every time it’s happening. He is stealing your life and time.

He works full time and is probably exhausted, but when you have children, you don’t get to take total downtime in the evenings and weekends. Family life doesn’t work like that.

He needs to step up and take up his responsibilities when he’s home op. It’s not fair on you to take on all the parenting 24/7. I would suggest he takes on specific things that are his remit e.g taking the kids out to the park at the weekends, breakfast with the kids at least 1 weekend morning, bath time/story during the week when he gets home.

These are just examples, I’m not suggesting this is all he should be doing. If he won’t take things on naturally then I would delegate.

My XH was exactly the same. When we had visitors he'd rush around cooking, do the washing up, everything for the kids - as long as people were watching. When it was just us he'd sit down and ignore them. His version of putting them to bed was to point at the stairs and say 'go to bed'. To two year olds. He didn't ever want to put himself out but the work he would do when we had visitors told me that he KNEW what he was 'meant' to be doing - he just didn't do it. The resentment did for our relationship.

He's an ex. I was a single mum to five kids all under seven, but it was better than resenting a man who considered that anything to do with them or the house was my problem.

Have you ever got properly angry with him? Told him to pack it in with the passive-aggressive sighing routine every time you ask for help. Call it out every single time. Make sure there's a cost to him for that kind of shitty behaviour.

If that doesn't have an impact, say the next step is divorce, and you'll be telling his parents why. Point out that he will have to have the kids every other weekend, with no help at all.

He's a total arsehole.

Nevermind a full lunch break, does he get to go to the toilet at work by himself? Does he get to make a cup of tea and drink it in peace? Does he have a quick chat with colleagues without a small person interrupting? On his commute can he switch off and listen to a podcast without being on constant alert in case someone in his vicinity has done a poo?

In which case, no matter how senior or stressful his job, I bet he gets more down time than you.

I have no advice really because I totally understand that his weaponsied incompetence/ sheer laziness would impact on the children. But tbh is loose all respect for my partner in this case and would be talking about separation.

Some men are just shit fathers
they like the sex part of trying to have a baby and think that’s all they have to do

the sooner the OP gets that & understands that he won’t change ,then she can start to make plans on what she wants to do

Even if the OP was working full time or part time she would still end up being the default parent - her husband isn’t going to change his attitude toward his kids and her
she would still be the one taking time off when the kids are ill and paying for the child care
his attitude would be well you want to work so you can pay for the childcare or you can stay at home

if I was the op I would plan on returning back to work in a few years - retrain at her husbands expense

OP you need to be very aware of what all this means. He clearly views you and the children as a burden he resents. Furthermore, it sounds like he has no respect or gratitude for your role.

This is a terrible place to be in as a SAHM. A SAHM is only in a secure position if her H respects and values her role, and he values his life as a family man.

I am in my 50s and have seen so many women just tossed aside by men once their utiliy of raising the kids is done. This men resent having ‘kept’ thise women and have had a long time to plan how to keep ‘their’ money from their wives in a divorce.

Your main aim should be how to secure your financial future.

I'd be disgusted by this. I could not be with a man who was such a rubbish dad and husband.
What makes it worse is he knows what to do and how to do it, as he demonstrates when his parents are there. How embarrassing for him if they were to see what an utter looser they have bought into the world otherwise.
He knows he's in the wrong. He just doesn't care enough about you all
Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that is an acceptable way for a dad to behave?

Some men are just shit fathers
they like the sex part of trying to have a baby and think that’s all they have to do

the sooner the OP gets that & understands that he won’t change ,then she can start to make plans on what she wants to do

Even if the OP was working full time or part time she would still end up being the default parent - her husband isn’t going to change his attitude toward his kids and her

This was me a few years ago with 4 kids and you know how it changed? I stood up for myself- i stopped stepping in to do everything, next time your watching something and the baby wakes up pause it and go “nope, its your turn” next time something gets knocked over “i been cleaning up spills/messes all day- your turn” be direct, don’t hint or beat around the bush- you feel like you need a break you say “right, kids are yours, im going for a bath/read my book for half hour”, he may sigh and not do it to your standards but you have to just let them get on with it, its too easy as a mum to always feel like “if you want something done right you do it yourself” but then they never learn.

So you have a 6 year old, 2 year old, a baby, and in-laws you don't get along with, alongside a husband who is resentful if you ask for help/involvement.

You chose this OP. You must have known he was close to useless and that you didn't like his parents after baby number 1.

I am not remotely defending him but I would guess part of his involvement when his parents are around, is to diffuse the otherwise awkward atmosphere given you don't get along with them. No doubt is is also performative and he will be aware of trying to convey the image of a hands-on dad.

I would find this very grating, but again, this whole setup didn't magically happen. Becoming a SAHP to 3 young children comes with risks, which include being expected to do everything else except go out to a paid job.

I have no real advice because it sounds like this man doesn't believe he should step up on the weekend. He sees it as your sole responsibility. Men like this rarely change. He might be better with 3 tween/teens, but your situation is nothing new. Young women need to be encouraged to read these boards while they are still full of romantic notions about getting married and having babies.

A solution that relies on making a selfish person less selfish rarely works.

It requires practical action and sometimes, hardening your heart a little.

I think the problem with the OP not being there during the inlaw visits would be they would judge HER (or she would feel they were) and feel sorry for their son, which would make the whole thing even more tense after the visit.

I am fond of my MIL and my mum's a nice person too but my god they feel overly sorry at times for their sons/SILs having to do radical stuff like cook, shop, take their turn getting up for kids, etc. I have been known to point out that they weren't doing that and also working, running the family finances, maintaining the house and garden...basically DH does some of what they consider their role, but equally, I do some of the stuff they considered their husband's.

Well, if you can think of a good solution to help OP we're all ears 🙄

Your husband isn't used to parenting his children.... he's never really had too. I think a combination of not being used to parenting the children, and feeling nervous at the prospect of having to entertain 3 children, makes him run for the hills.

I understand he's been working all week, but equally you look after the children and the home, without 'downtime'. He expects you to continue 24/7 without a break from the children. I would start having a small break away from the house at the weekend. Even if it's nipping to the supermarket for an hour, and leaving him with the 3 children. Of course, he'll expect you to take them all with you...nope, they stay with him.

He can step-up, because he does when his parents visit, so he's deliberately choosing not to engage in family life, the other 95% of the time. Not only is that incredibly hurtful towards you, but it's selfish on his part. The children are 50% his responsibility. He's treating you like a nanny and unpaid house-keeper, rather than his wife.

The only way this will remotely change, is if you stop facilitating his incompetence. You need to force him to engage, by leaving him on his own with the children. If he digs his heels in, then you may need to rethink your marriage.

Yes because men will be falling over themselves for the woman with three small children. And it's totally worth breaking up a family and depriving kids of their father full time rather than try to actually work it out.

He sounds bloody insufferable.
Personally, I’d pull him up in front of his parents and point out that why can’t he be this involved when they’re not there? Say that it’s nice that he’s got his arse off the sofa and his head out of his phone and not leaving everything to you like he usually does.

Me too, personally I would just come out and say it to him.

Op, a pointed look/stare at him might work in your case, but I think you're at the stage where he needs very straight-up telling. Not throwing dirty looks at him.

I think this is practical advice.

I found your post really compelling though as DH is the opposite: hands on but then becomes an unhelpful version when his parents are there!

I think it's two sides of the same coin.

Deep down these men know fine well a) what a good dad and partner does but b) actually want someone else to do the work. In DH's case he clearly thinks at some level that it's "mum stuff" (as in, his mum) and actually, so does she.