To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

Yes. That’s a massive issue and I had the same. Performative parenting and domestic labour. Completely different behaviour behind closed doors - including disproportionate and extended rage episodes if I dared challenge him. Needless to say I’m divorcing him but so wish I’d done it sooner.

But, there was a period where he did get that I was carrying the whole mental load after we both read ‘fair play’ by Eve Rodesky after a recommendation here. She was an exhausted mum who listed all the invisible work and mental load she did. She then devised a system of dividing it up. its a quick and easy read.

It changed things temporarily for me in terms of the domestic load but then he was incapacitated for a while and I did everything including looking after him for a while and it never evened up and the rage continued (despite couples therapy) and became directed at DC (despite intervention) too so no option but to divorce.

But the key things to remember are;

• you work too - more than full time. It’s just not paid work but without you covering house keeping, childcare, cooking etc - he’d have to do it - and would if you split up.
• You should have equal time for self care
• you should have equal time that is for hobbies etc.

Read Fair Play (or listen) then see if he will. Good luck.

Ah well. This is the life you’ve chosen so maybe just practice acceptance. He sees the kids as your job 24/7 and is unlikely to change that view unless you go back to work, something you don’t want to do, or send the two eldest to nursery, again something you don’t want to do.

It's good that DH entertains and looks after his parents; you don't like them so it gives you a break.
Invite inlaws over every fortnight and every second time you disappear and do something for yourself.

You should also be pointing out that DH needs to step up on the weekends.
Plot out a sleep in for each of you, a few hours of family time or outing and a few hours of speeding through chores.
Also allocate a certain child to DH's care for each day.

Spread the family work and joy purposefully.

With the in laws, start pointing out that you've had the conversation before and that they're apparently very forgetful. 'Yes, I told you this last time, you seem to have forgotten'. 'Hmm, we had this conversation earlier, is this another thing you've forgotten?' 'You seem to struggle with remembering what we've said about this'.

He's an adult. He knows you can only get better at something with practice. Be supportive ;) tell him you're hearing he needs to improve his parenting skills, he wants what is best for the kids (right?!). Leave him with the three for.more time, do not wait for.him to take the lead. Get up and go out.

Great suggestion. But just to break it down a bit - you know, for a bit of realism

1. He has employment rights by law.
2. He is not expected to work during his lunch break.
3. His employer is already paying people to cover for him during his lunchbreak if necessary so that the poor lamb can have time for himself.
4. He is allowed to have a lunch break at work regardless of whether;

• OP hired a baby sitter and
• commuted into his work
• and completed his tasks for one hour,
• commuted back again and
• paid the babysitter.

😂

I'd make this a serious conversation with him if you haven't done yet - i.e. ask him to sit down as there's something important you want to discuss, rather than complaining about particular events in passing. Make it clear this is a line in the sand, not a niggle. Don't mention the weekends with ILs - focus on the constructive change you need. Simply state clearly that you can't carry on like this without ever getting a break. Acknowledging that he too needs downtime, could you suggest that you each take one morning at the weekend as your own time? Then make sure you leave the house (early) for your time until he gets the gist. Your children might not have a brilliant morning but it will impact them far less than simmering resentment between parents or the two of you splitting. If he says 'I can't manage 3 on my own!' then tell him that you often can't either and that if something doesn't change he will be managing them on his own far longer.

He's being lazy, selfish and entitled. He may also be genuinely ignorant about the strain of 24/7 childcare for 3 (due to his lazy disengagement), so a few hrs on his own will sharpen his understanding. In the evenings, don't ask him to do things when you can't as this can sound like asking a favour. Instead, simply say 'I'm too tired to respond, I've been running after then all day' & turn the TV on. Yes, your DCs will be less well cared for for a few mins, but weigh this against the bigger picture.

It may be that this all achieves little and you may have to make some difficult decisions about your future, but at least you will know you tried.

The court would decide the division of assets based on the assets that are declared/ uncovered.

He is not obliged to do 50/50 - no-one can make a parent spend time with their children.

You can't make him step up. You can get a job and assure your own future.

Did he want three kids - that's seems like a lot of kids if he was barely interested in the one.

Whatever happens - don't rely on him financially. Gone are the days when courts give you alimony. They will expect you to work to support yours kids if anything goes wrong.

If you don't trust him as a partner when it comes to your kids, don't trust him financially either. He already doesn't have your interests at heart.

Also mentioned if it came to divorce you would be better off, half his assets and pension, kid free for half the week, not just weekends but you’d have them Sunday-wed and he’d have them Thurs-sat or something (to show him he won’t just get fun dad time at the weekends while you do the hard slog all week!) make sure you tell him you never want a divorce but you’re not sure you could go another 10 years like this without getting burnt out /depressed/resentful and at some point you might break. By the way I don’t think divorce would be happier but you’ve got to give him the incentive why he’s better to help you now and prevent divorce. Tell him that married men live longer than single ones but single women live longer than married ones. Show him he’s in the good position right now and he needs to appreciate yo more

That's what my mum said I should do, too. Even that I resent. I'm still having to be The Grown Up. However, at least I'd be The Only Adult In The House with a painted bench.

It doesn’t sound fair to me. Sit down and have a discussion, say if things don’t change you’ll be wanting marriage therapy as to keep talking about the problem and it doesn’t get resolved. Say you love him very much but if things continue you’ll become bitter and resentful of your lack of rest. It’s about £80 an hour for couples therapy. I mentioned this to my husband for an unrelated issue and he knew I was serious so he put more effort in probably because he didn’t want to waste £80 🤣

Absolutely this OP. You are focussing in the here and now of him not helping out, as are many posters. But you need to look at what this means for how he will behave in the future. If your marriage is not strong, if he is not enjoying family life - do not bet on him staying with you and supporting you for life. He is currently presenting more like a man who will leave you in mid life and shaft you in the divorce as much as he is able.

Protect your future self. Get a job or get as many assets as possible transferred to your name so he cannot hide them in a divorce. And make sure he is paying into a pension for you. If he refuses to do all this, it tells you everything about what he is already thinking about his future plans. And they aren't with you.

@BloozieFeel free to take my advice with a pinch of salt as I’ve been single over 10 years(!) but have you considered a ‘chore chart’ type thing?! Normally it’s a thing for teenagers but if the shoe fits…!

I don't think you can change people. What's his incentive to change? He's got everything sussed out, thanks.

I think you either need to accept that this is the way it is, or you leave him.

I’m partially on the fence with this. Whilst I absolutely do not agree with his ‘act’ in front of your ILs, I do - to an extent - believe that if he’s the sole earner then his house-related responsibilities should be limited…. BUT not his bloody parenting! Nope. That’s an equal thing regardless of work/home responsibilities. Children deserve both parents’ attention equally (or damn close to equally) if both parents are present in their lives, unless of course, one parent works away or is deployed etc.
In my personal opinion, he sounds a bit chauvinistic.

Re: his super-Dad act with ILs, I’d be loudly pointing out in front of them, what a miracle it is that he’s managing to do XYZ when he usually is far to knackered to do ABC, whenever his parents aren’t around….! Do it Every. Single. Time.

My husband can be very precious about his 'rest' and I find it absolutely infuriating. WE'D ALL LIKE A FUCKING REST, DAVE.

We're having division of labour wars at home at the moment. My husband says I just need to ask him/tell him what to do, the red mist descends, I tell him I don't want to be responsible for every single aspect of our life, he needs to grow up and start seeing and doing as an autonomous adult human. He claims that this is not possible, it just wouldn't enter his head that eg the garden bench needs treating, the gutters need cleaning, a cupboard needs sorting. He doesn't 'see' those things. It's biological you see, women's eyes evolved to pick berries...

It's a wonder the cunt isn't under the patio. Only reason he isn't is because I'd have to lay the fucking thing myself.

ANYWAY. Enough about me. I don't know how you get your husband to stop being such a lazy entitled prick, without the children suffering. Want me to come over and dig a patio with you?

That’s not selective energy - he is deliberately misrepresenting his engagement with his kids to his parents. I’d be telling him to shape up or ship out. Maybe get a nanny cam to film him with the kids so that you can send it to his parents when you apply for divorce so that they can see what a lying lazy b’stard he is.

My DH works long hours too - 10-16hrs a day, on call weekends, and is also a great earner, which I appreciate no end. I was a SAHP as those hours didn’t reconcile with managing two SEN kids with no local family to step in, so my working wasn’t going to happen. He nonetheless has always stepped up with the kids, does the weekend cooking (as he enjoys it, and eating it especially), he coached cricket for my DS for 6 years which got a bit stressful when things at work stepped up and he does most of the gardening (though the novelty wears off by September and is accompanied by muttering and moaning LOL). He has a whinge about putting the bins out, occasionally, can lose his shit if the kids doesn't clear up after themselves etc, and often collapses into the sofa after a long day in utter exhaustion but he has never ever used his earning position as a power play.

Your DH is an arsehole - both you and your kids deserve better. He’d have no choice but to step up if you divorce and he has to have them FT EOWE.

It’s weaponised incompetence. If he makes a poor job of it then you’ll do it. When parents are there ha ha as to make the effort for appearance sake

Hahahah!!! Someone from the 40s has joined the chat 😂😂

Surely women have enough brains to do their due diligence before conceiving if they are old enough to have babies they should be old enough to plan it all properly and not let men do all their thinking for them?

This!!