To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

Not only does he not care what you think, but he doesn't have any desire to nurture your children or spend time with them for the joy of it. That's really sad for them.

This is actually quite creative - and shows your ex genuinely wanting to put the children first.

To all those saying you will have to get a job if you divorce, that isn’t necessarily true.

my exdh and I decided when we were together that in our view the best for our children was one sahp (plus part time if in school) and one wohp.

that didn’t change from being the best for our children when we divorced, so the finances on our divorce reflected that.

i say necessarily, as it will depend on whether his salary will still cover it.

Odd interpretation.

Neither did I or @Silverbellsandtacoshellsmention men doing the thinking for women. It is clear we were expressing the opposite, in that young women must educate themselves about the potential hardships and struggles that often come after marriage and babies.

I absolutely could not get passed this @amria He's performance parenting to look good in front of his mum and dad - but doesn't give a shit that he's a crap dad in front of you. He thinks so little of you, that he's happy to LITERALLY sit back and scroll his phone and let you do it all, as he knows that you will. And don't give me the 'poor hard working senior important man' bollocks. I'm a senior leader that works full time in a very stressful role - I'd never opt out of my responsibilities as a parent, forcing my husband to pick it up, no matter how tired I am. We are a team. Why does your husband think the grunt work falls to you?

If you don't want to work and he doesn't want to look after the kids - what can you do? Nothing. Sorry ...it isn't fair but you clearly married someone who isn't bothered about looking after the kids. You can't leave him because you won't have any money to raise the kids. Be careful though.....because he certainly can leave, occasionally see the kids and take his cash. You are a very vulnerable position.

Then she would have to go back to work, which she doesn't want.

You are living in the 1950s. There will never be any balance, he will always hold the power as he brings in the salary.
You’ll have to hope & prey he doesn't have an affair, ( like every other man it seems) as you say you hate working ! When all 3 are finally at school all day will he not expect you to ?

Oh quite.

And I hope you remember to put on a fresh, starched apron and tie a pretty ribbon in your hair for when he comes through the door Op.

What is the value of being in the relationship with him?

there doesn’t seem to be any.

he ignores his children, and does nothing round the house.

so not only does he add zero value to their lives, they get to see this. They get to watch him every single weekend prioritising his phone over them.

of course your help comes from another woman.

if you want to do what’s best for your children, you should divorce him.

100% this.

He won't change.

I think this bothers you because it shows he cares what they think of him - but not what you think of him.

Parenting should be 50/50 when both parents are in the home.

What a ridiculous comment! Are you a man?
OP is doing her share of working by looking after THREE children while DH is at work. The only fair way is to share childcare and house work when neither is working.

And as PP said, get signed up for child benefit even if H earns too much for you to get the money, you can still claim and it means you build up NI contributions for a state pension

That narrows your options.

You won't want to divorce, as that would mean going back to work.
(Unlikely he will pay enough maintenance to support and house you and three DC until they are 18, and the benefits system will expect you to work once the youngest is no longer a baby.)

You can't force him to change, because it is impossible to make people change, and if you try that will just make the whole marriage bitter and toxic.
He is not interested in parenting his children. Sad, but you have to accept it.
He may get better once they are older and he can do more activities with them.

So you need to accept that this is it. Keep reminding yourself that this is what you chose: to be a SAHP to three children.
As others have said, look for small wins, like getting a cleaner, going away by yourself when his parents come to stay, or planning out the weekends in advance and asking him to spend specific hours doing a planned activity with the oldest one.
Basically, just accept that the DC are your job, 24/7, because that is the way it is. Then look forward to the time when they are all in school and you have 5 hours or so each daytime to yourself.

What would happen if you got up early on a Saturday morning and informed him you were going out for the day?

He's show parenting.

And happy to dump everything on you when there isn't an audience.

He's literally telling you that you don't count to him. Your exhaustion doesn't count. Your tedious parenting alone all week doesn't count. Your own need for downtime and sharing of responsibilities at home in the evenings and at weekends doesn't count. Nope. You are there to do the menial labour, the grudge work, the child rearing 24/7 .... unless there's someone else 'who counts' (his parents) around to see it. For those who count, he is clearly going out of his way with performative parents to hide what an absolute shit of a partner he is to you and dad to his own DCs at home.

Then you need to make sure the way your finances and assets are organised now means you will be financially protected if you do divorce in the future.

You cannot control if he leaves you.
You can try to exert influence now to make sure you are protected if he ever does.

He needs to be paying into a pension for you. Any assets in both your names (as a minimum, some assets in your name only is preferable) and you have full access to all the paper work for these.

"Suck up the domestic sphere"?????

No she doesn't!

That's like saying he's purchased her labour for childcare/domestic work so from now on he has no further responsibility to do anything. And she needs to be grateful for that.

It's also saying its OK to place a much higher value on his contribution and to dismiss the value of her contribution in bringing up his family, treating her contribution as free labour. It isn't. She's given up the salary and benefits she was previously earning.

It's already established he knows how wrong this is by his performative parenting and domesticity when his parents arrive.

They've divided the work load into childcare v wage earning job... like many couples.
but they are still both parents.. and they both live in the same house.
He's working daytimes five days a week.
She's working that and evenings and weekends as well.

What she is asking for is a more equal partnership.
She's asking for her DH to make more effort to interact with his own children as a father should. Which many fathers are more than happy to do.

But he won't do that.

If he's going to act like her employer and wash his hands of domestic chores and parenting, maybe the OP should demand parity with working hours and breaks mandated by law

I'm basically a sahm with two (teach a few hours a week).
Evenings and weekends, DH and I are 50/50 on parenting which is how it should be. If someone is particularly tired/exhausted we will give the other some time for themselves, but it's not taken advantage of. Your DH is a lazy sod

I would have a word with my DH that indeed he needs downtime and a rest on weekends, but SO DO YOU. Therefore, given how things are at the moment with his refusal to step up, you suggest you do one day each childcare. Ask him if he wants Saturday or Sunday? If he refuses this plan, just choose a day anyway. On that day GO OUT for the whole day. Doesn’t matter where. This won’t work if you are there in the background. Come back after bedtime. I’d do this for a month or two as by then he should be used to childcare and you can try and do shared activities again.

Childcare cannot simultaneously be so hard and exhausting that he can't manage it except in 5 minutes bursts, yet so easy that you can do it 24/7 without a break. 🤷

OP. Your situation makes me about your financial situation. Is he "in charge" of finances? Are there joint savings? Or is it all in his name and you need to ask for access to funds all the time? If so, do some thinking and get some advice about financial planning.

Also I hope you are claiming child benefit for the NI contributions (designed to help mothers who take time out for childcare to help fill the gap in your pension) and have not be sold the idea that claiming child benefit will mean that he has to pay more in tax and therefore it is better for the family if you don't claim it. It may be better for him but years down the line it will NOT be better for YOU. (If this info has changed and on this is out of date, apologies in advance, but its good to check these things in any case. )

It is really hard bringing up three at once, especially if you have little access to parental help. And you are lucky to be able to spend time with them right now and yes, you do have your hands full.

But look to the future and make plans because being out of the world of work for too long will make things harder, when they've become more independent.
My strongest advice is that you think about planning to try for some /any part time work to keep your toes in the water...in a year or so. This will help you with references when you want to apply for a fuller, perhaps more of a career job later on. If you didn't like your previous career, can you re train? perhaps do the odd day volunteering in something related to the career you want to do?

I think this is the deal you've made, then. A sort of tradwife dynamic where you are expected to "look after" your husband.

And honestly, from his perspective, I don't think it's unreasonable. He's working and paying for you to give up work, long term. It is a traditional dynamic and falling into those gendered roles are unsurprising, and perhaps even fair to an extent.

Personally I think you are risking an enormous amount, making this choice. But if you want to make it, you probably need to suck up the domestic sphere.

I think it's more tricky given what you say about work.

You've opted out of one aspect of adult life and he's opted out of another!

Regarding your inlaws, sounds like they're possibly just clumsily making conversation rather than actually having a go. Hard to say without hearing the tone.