To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

I'd normally say that he should share the load outside of his working hours as your job is 24/7 but his isn't.

I also think it's important for a dad to be hands on.

But it sounds like he has to work hard and long hours to keep a family of 5 and it's taking it out of him. You're not prepared to contribute to the household income so it's all on his shoulders.

I would rather not have to work, wouldn't we all, and personally could never put myself in a position where I was financially dependent on a man but luckily for you he's enabling that.

Was he fully on board with having 3 kids so close together ? There may be some resentment in his part.

That is good to hear.
But don't forget pensions - you need the child benefit to get NI credits for your state pension, and he should pay into a private pension for you.
This is a conversation you need to have with him.

Reminds me of this song:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pfltmHtqdzM
(You are such a good dad)

I know it’s been asked numerous times but was he enthusiastic to have 3 kids or was it more you?

I work FT and my husband works a lot of weekends. As a consequence I’m often ‘on’ 7 days straight. One of the reasons I only had one child.

He sounds tired and disengaged but he shouldn’t be doing such a poor job of parenting at the weekends and evenings. It is exhausting working FT and then having to do domestic drudgery but again that’s what you sign up to.

I would set some clearer expectations of him. Perhaps he could help with the more practical tasks, bath and bedtime with the agreement that he will read a chapter of a book and not one page. Point out to him that it’s 10 mins out of his day to read properly to his kids. It’s not asking much. He can cook a couple of evenings and take the bins out, run the hoover round after work etc. None of this is beyond him, he just needs to get past his own apathy.

At weekends you could agree that you each get a morning to yourselves to do exactly as you please and then you regroup in the afternoon and do something as a family and make it non negotiable.

I don’t agree that you going back to work will solve all your problems as he will still expect you to do the lions share.

You will continue to be frustrated when your focus is on changing another person.
Instead of focusing on how to change him, you would be wise to focus on what you can change. Yourself, your actions, your perspective, your thoughts, your plans, because realistically this is all you have the power to change.

You could try running the house/family like a single parent. Not asking him for anything at all, doing everything a single parent would. Try it for a month and see how he reacts. Does he miss you? Miss spending time with the DC? Does he fill the gaps with more relaxing time for him or step up into the gap you've created?

That might help you know what attitude he really has.

Unfortunately OP, you've had kids with a man who wanted kids but didn't want to be a father. He wanted to pass on his name and his genes. He wanted to give his parents grandkids. He wanted to occasionally do some of the fun stuff. What he didn't want was to actually do the hard work of parenting.

You're luckier than some though in that he can financially provide for you all and you don't have to work. It's worse when you work FT and still do all the parenting (speaking from experience so you're not alone).

You need to decide if his dipping in and out of parenthood is worth what you get out of the deal. If, like far too many men, he's just another kid for you to parent and clean up after, you might be better doing it alone with one less child (him). He won't change though. Don't kid yourself that because he can step up when his parents are there that he'll ever do that consistently for you. He won't. Men are shit.

He didn't want 3 kids. I hope you're birth control is airtight. Can you get a babysitter ?. He just doesn't wanna do it

That’s the thing isn’t it - it does put the working person earning a salary in a position that they hold all the cards

You sound defeated in this situation and although frustrated you are accepting of his behaviour in a way to avoid a big bust up and possible divorce. I gather a divorce is not what you want, but you really do need to grow a back bone and tell him that he really needs to step up as a partner and father and if he doesn't then there will be consequences. Don't say anything else to him, just keep repeating this sentence until eventually he either does step up or you totally have a breakdown and divorce anyway.

I also think neither of you are seeing things from the other's point of view. He is working very long hours and he also has the entire burden for the financial survival of five people. That is quite a load. It probably is important to him to feel rested enough to do his job well given as all your financial survival depends on it.

You have the work of a house and of looking after very young children which is very demanding. You do also have your mother as a source of support and not all SAHM do.

At the end of the day, you cannot change him unless he wants to change, You both seem to feel unheard and so are both unlikely to shift your positions.

As the SAHM you are the one in the vulnerable position though. That is the trade off of being a SAHM. You do need to be aware that if he feels his home life is not working for him, his options for change are less constrained than yours.

In your OP you say "I don't work (my choice)" but this is wrong. I'm presuming the 6 year old is at school and the other two are not in nursery but at home with you. If so, you ARE working, incredibly hard, so don't ever say you don't work. You are in unpaid work.

Perhaps your husband sees the situation as he works and you don't. Until he really understands this isn't the case then he wont change. As PP said I would pay for extra help, cleaner, babysitter whatever makes it easier.

For what it's worth this is how my husband was 30 odd years ago. He just thought that his role was to go out to work, do car stuff, DIY, fix things around the house and everything else would be done by me. He modelled himself on his Dad I think but gradually changed and helped a lot more so I believe there is hope he will change.

If you won’t consider returning to work, (even once your youngest is older and/ or if it means training to do a different job) then I think you need to realise that this is probably your future and find ways to put up with it. Because unless you’ve got your own money and can have the ultimate trump card of threatening divorce and meaning it, he’s very unlikely to change.

Personally I would have been scared witless of being financially dependent on anyone- what if they are ill? Or leave and have an affair?. Or as you are experiencing they weaponise their earning power to behave like a lazy arse 90% of the time. But I never hated my job and want to have financial freedom and independence.

But it’s up to you how the trade off works in your case between hating your old job/ putting up with your husband’s manchild bollocks.

@amria I think you are far too kind about your Hs attitude - I’m sure his parents are well aware of his lack of sharing the load but it’s big difference being aware and actually seeing it with your own eyes - does he come from a background where the mum did it all and the bloke just worked? If so it’s probably an ingrained attitude as to ‘what’s ok and tolerated’ - thing is the OP I know very few relationships where the woman doesn’t work and isn’t ‘expected’ to take up the vast amount of the domestic load including the kids - I’m not saying that’s right but seems to be fairly commonplace, in fact I know plenty where both work full time and it mainly falls to the women too or they would live on shit with messy scruffy houses

Why would he reduce his working hours if he will just be expected to look after his kids. He doesn't seem bothered enough.

I wouldn't normally say you were being unreasonable but his work hours are eye watering. I think therein lies the problem, he probably is exhausted. But then again, he should have said no to the third child. It's easy to be performative while his parents are around as it's not all the time, and presumably they help a bit too. Is there any way he can reduce his work hours?

That's great. But certainly far from typical.

And I have known a fair few men who wait till the kids have finished their education adn then leave, and are very clear this was their long term plan.

This.

YABU.

She IS working!!! More than full time. She just isn’t paid for it. He gets to work such long hours without childcare costs BECAUSE she is doing that work.

You have rather created this situation for yourself. You had 3 children despite not having a very engaged husband. You don't want to work so you have to be financially dependent on him. You don't want to put them in nursery.

If you are not planning to go back to work then once the children are in school you will have a lot of time to yourself. You could see these years as the tough years before an easier time.

If you are planning to go back to work, then I would hire a cleaner and some childcare and start planning your future career and start working towards a job that suits you more than your old one.

This. I'd be saying 'gosh where has this energy come from you are usually sat scrolling your phone and ignoring the children while I do everything!!' in front of his mother, loudly