To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

Agreed.

Ask him how he's going to cope when he has them 50/50

And mean it

Oh. And get a job

Couldn't agree more. My Dad went out to work and was completely disinterested in family life and kids. His job was paying the bills and he expected to rest with his feet up and be waited on when he was at home. My Mum stayed home because she didn't want to work, even when we were old enough to be relatively independent. It was such a toxic environment to grow up in, there was a constant air of resentment from both sides. I've really struggled to learn to recognise equal boundaries in relationships and often end up doing everything to avoid any sort of conflict.

I do get this. Some people seem to really prefer working while some prefer spending time with their children- especially when they are young it's crazy to go to a job you don't like just to pay for someone else to raise your children when you know they would be much happier with you and you with them.
Mine are 16 and 12 and I still don't work (one autistic and dh doesn't do much if anything at home which is fine now but was hard when they were younger ofcourse).

Weaponised incompetence. Can you stay an overnight at your mums or a hotel in order to get a lie in? Do it weekly till he gets the message if possible. If he complains about cost, point out it is only necessary as he is incapable of not interrupting you. As soon as he is able to do this, you won’t need to. In fact, why not ask your parents in law that he is so keen to impress (yes I know im not being serious). Would be nice though to explain you are asking as your husband will only parent his children when it is visible to them.

@amriaare there times when you go out and leave him with the kids? Surely you meet friends for coffee on weekends, have a hobby, you’re not with the kids 24/7? How does he manage with the kids for a few hours when you are not around?

Agree. OP does not want to work and her husband works hard to facilitate this. Obviously this doesn't mean he should never do any parenting but it's unfair to downplay his very significant contribution which allows the OP to live her preferred lifestyle.

And as regards the in laws I think OP sounds precious and a bit rude. My in laws sometimes repeat the same stuff, I just smile and brush it off. Life is too short to take offence at every little thing.

Because quite often the DH/Fiance/Partner says they really really want kids, and they genuinely do, but have no clue about the level of commitment/self sacrifice that entails. They often have, as singletons vitally important hobbies that take up the whole weekend. Or regularly go for afterwork drinks with colleagues or the mates that mean they rock up home after 10 pm.

Their partner trusts that they will still be equal even if they at home, and often only find out that they are expected to do the majority of the childcaring/domestic work when they are actually in that situation. Hence the surprise and the disappointment because they thought they were a team.

It starts in Maternity leave... until then they are both equally working full time, both bringing in full salaries, suddenly one is at home with baby and not contributing as much cash to the household coffers. That's when it becomes apparent to everyone that looking after the baby/domestics is not seen as having a material value (although it does) and the idea of the "stay at home" partner not "working" as hard because not earning cash, although providing a high value service.
It's a question of the working partner considering themselves more than their partner and children and seeing how much of the domestic/childcare they can get away with not bothering with. This grows because the less they do... the less they know how to do... the less they can be relied upon and so the other parent ends up doing it so that the children are properly cared for.

Oh and if he wakes you up at a certain time on Saturday that's when he's getting up on Sunday

Take your lie in by going out for some time for you.

I’m sorry, OP, but you have to accept that you have married a fundamentally unkind and selfish man. That’s just the way it is. What else do you think ‘selective energy’ means? It means he does things on his terms only and never to benefit you. The only things he does do to benefit you ALSO benefit him. There is no sacrifice, kindness or selflessness in that. There is only selfishness.

Of course he’d never accept that, because he won’t be able to stand sitting with the fact that he is a bad parent and a bad husband – and it looks like you can’t either.

You have three choices: 1) accept it and live this way. Resentment will likely build, maybe to intolerable levels. 2) Force him into a role where he must act selflessly – yes, this will be at a detriment to the children, but they will survive. He’ll either build on that if he wants to or resentment will build also. 3) Leave the marriage, in which case you’ll have to get a job. I doubt your husband would want much custody – why would he?

You’re looking for an answer that doesn’t exist. And yes, that sucks.

My DH is in a CFO role. In any hour he’s not working he is at the forefront with our kids and housework load – getting up at night, meals, bedtimes, laundry, doctors and dentist appointments, school runs, park trips, you name it.

Time for some boundaries. A lie in for him and some down time on one day and the same for you on another. 'your turn!' when it's his turn. Regular kid free time for you outside the house so he gets time with the kids. Presumably he wanted these kids so he needs to step up on the weekend, I'd be leaving him to it as a much as possible as he won't get what it's like for you if you don't. Take time for yourself when the in-laws visit too.

What exactly does he think you do in the week when there's a poonami and you are on your own with them? He sounds an utter waste of space

That sounds like a workable arrangement @amria

A lot of men imply to their non working wives that staying til past 6 is the norm.

It isn't. They tell you it is because it means they arrive home at 7 once the children are most of the way to bed, and they don't have to get stuck into the hard part of the day which is always the window between 4 and 7, when they are hungry and tired and you need to get dinner made and into them.

Ive worked in finance and the decent blokes who are bothered about their families who got in at 8.45, can leave at 5.15 if they want. They sometimes just do 30 min in the evening at home at 8 once their kids are in bed.

I assume he steps up when his parents visit because he’s aware you don’t like them

@amira "he will physically not let me have a lie in. Partly because our middle child will barge into the room and partly because he really does struggle with 2. Even if I say Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, he just… won’t cooperate with Saturday being my lie in. He’ll come in and say there’s been a poonami and he needs another pair of hands or he doesn’t understand what the 2yo is asking for or he needs my help in another way"

You need to put your foot down here OP.

Put a bolt on the bedroom door for a start and use it.
Tell him you don't want disturbing and he can sort the kids out for a couple of hours. If he complains about poonamis point out that he wanted 3 kids and if you can manage them so can he.
It might take a while but he will get the message.

you are so passive about this op.

he is an absent father. And it’s worse for your kids because they have to live with his lack of interest. They have to see it.

it’s fine to accept being by treated like a slave as an adult if you like. Your choice.

but where it grinds my gears, is kids are watching and learning. They are growing up in a household where a father is present but doesn’t parent.

for some utterly unfathomable reason you aren’t considering divorce to this selfish misogynist. So, you have 2 choices left. Suck up doing everything and teach your children that unpaid work is women’s work. Or get tough. Eg 1. You don’t get a lie in once a week. So engineer that however you need to. If he’s incapable if you’re in the house. You need to get out of the house. A hotel. A friend’s. Whatever.

If that was true, why do we keep having threads like this on MN ?🤔

It does come across as if you want it all your way - you want to be at home full time, you don’t want your child to go to nursery until you say so and you want your DH to spend his weekends doing what you think he should be doing. Maybe you need to do a bit of compromising from your side to get a bit from his?

He's an arsehole.

I'd get up early one Saturday morning, have your packed bag hidden somewhere in advance, and go away for the weekend. Tell him he needs to step up and be an actual partner and parent when he's at home, or your marriage isn't going to survive. And it's beyond his turn to parent his children by himself for a couple of days, as you do it even when he's fucking there.

Start saying "just pretend your parents are here. You have no problems knowing what to do then"

That's a pretty long day, especially WOH 5 days a week. You didn't like going to work, so I don't think you can deny the fact that it's tiring. You sound pretty dismissive of him and of his parents tbh.

Honestly I usually read these threads and think the woman is putting up with so much but you chose not to work (paid work/out of the house, before anyone tells me FT parenting is work - I know), he works long hours to fund this and provide, and I don't think you're getting that bad a deal. You also both chose to have three children. You should of course get some down time too though, so is the answer getting childcare on one week day so you have a day to yourself? Then he gets a Saturday to himself, then Sunday is a family day?