We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice).
At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it.
However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc.
I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life.
AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.