To feel frustrated with DH’s “selective” energy?

amria · 2026-03-30T21:54:23+00:00

We’ve got 3 children aged 6, 2 and a baby, so life is full on. To avoid drip feed, he works full time out of the house from roughly 8am to 7pm and earns well. I do appreciate that he provides financially, but everything else at home falls to me. I don’t work (my choice). At weekends he says he needs to recover from the working week, watch football, lie down, switch off and isn’t very keen to help. If I ask, it’s usually met with sighing or a clear sense he doesn’t really want to be doing it. For example, he’ll change the baby but hand him straight back within seconds, without pausing to engage or giving me a minute to finish my coffee, then plonk himself back on the sofa demonstratively. He’s there for the nicer bits only (playing whilst the kids behave) and disappears the second things require effort. If we’re watching something and the baby cries, he’ll pause it and go on his phone and it’s just assumed I’ll go. If we’re out and one of the kids gets muddy, he’ll stand and wait for me to deal with it. If something gets knocked over or broken, he’ll say “uh oh” and step out of the way while I sort it. However, when his parents come to stay, 1-2 days per month, he is like a completely different person. Suddenly all the barriers he normally has just disappear. He can go out for a full day out without mentioning football or needing to sit down for a coffee whilst I entertain the kids. He’ll actually get involved, play with them, suggest things to do etc. I know why: I don’t get on with the ILs and, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t go out of my way to include them in games or plan nice activities. I’d be focused on getting through their visit, and that’s it. If those weekends were left to me to manage, it would be me juggling a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old while trying to host people I’m not comfortable with. I’d be stretched, distracted and not particularly enthusiastic, we’d just do something low key like visiting the local playgroup and they’d probably find the whole thing awkward and not very enjoyable. He steps up because he knows he has to, which is what’s bothering me, because it shows he can do it. He can be present, helpful, involved and capable, just not in our normal day to day life. AIBU to feel hurt and resentful about that? It makes me feel like he is choosing when to show up, rather than actually being too tired the rest of the time.

OhamIreally · 01/04/2026 22:51

@pollybellWhat thinking are men doing for them?

I think the poster you quoted is suggesting exactly that due diligence- don’t expect a man to step up in any regard and plan to do it alone.

Silverbellsandtacoshells · 01/04/2026 14:37

Youknowitactuallymakessense · 01/04/2026 01:28

Does your DH understand that the reason you are not in paid employment is because you'd hate to do so, rather than solely because you are caring for the children?

What is he expecting to happen when the children are older?
Will he be expecting you to find paid employment at some point?

These are good points.

Have they been discussed OP ?

CatchTheWind1920 · 01/04/2026 14:07

amria · 31/03/2026 13:13

@CheeseLand2 sorry if I’ve missed the question.

yes he was very keen for all 3 kids. No3 came earlier than planned but we did say we’d like 3.

he will physically not let me have a lie in. Partly because our middle child will barge into the room and partly because he really does struggle with 2. Even if I say Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, he just… won’t cooperate with Saturday being my lie in. He’ll come in and say there’s been a poonami and he needs another pair of hands or he doesn’t understand what the 2yo is asking for or he needs my help in another way

Wow. This is mad. How is not able to look after his own children for a few hours? I'd lose all respect for my husband. What a manchild

arethereanyleftatall · 01/04/2026 10:16

amria · 31/03/2026 20:35

@owlpassport
hes happy to do a Sunday as a family if I do the hard bits and he does the fun bits. So let’s say we go to the farm, he will gladly join but he’ll play with one child for a bit, then head for a coffee whilst I manage the kids if there’s a tantrum, he’ll point out a sheep and maybe help the kids feed it but leave me to ensure hands are washed. If they’re on some sort of kid trucks I’ll be the one chasing them whilst he browses something on his phone. At lunch he’ll sit down and eat his food whilst I ensure all the kids have what they need, cut up the food, get them water, put the bib on etc.

paid childcare he won’t really get because he says I have my mum to help, plus I wanted to be with the kids, why pay for a nanny when I’m not working anyway (in his view)

Really not sure what you want from this thread op.

to me he sounds utterly vile. Selfish, lazy, nasty, misogynistic, happy for you to do all the work whilst he steps back and relaxes showing that he has therefore no love nor respect for you, a terrible father and role model to his children as he puts his own needs first at every point.

What do you want us to say?!?

you just keep coming back with yet another anecdote of how awful he is, and ignoring all the posts detailing your options of what you can do about it.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/04/2026 08:35

I wouldn’t expect to pay for a nanny either if my partner didn’t work.
notbing is going to change here until you have a come to Jesus talk where you explain that you love him less every day watching him refuse to parent and you actively dislike him on weekends his parents are here watching him suddenly able to be the coparent that he refuses to be for you. Tell him that all up it’s increasingly clear he doesn’t love you very much and acts like a man who shouldn’t have kids, and something has to change. You are going to go out for several hours one evening a week leaving him to do dinner bath and bed becuase they are his kids, and if you don’t get your lie in because he cant be arsed parenting then you will have to take yourself away for a night.
but there is a limit to what you can demand when you don’t work at all and don’t want to.

Youknowitactuallymakessense · 01/04/2026 01:28

Does your DH understand that the reason you are not in paid employment is because you'd hate to do so, rather than solely because you are caring for the children?

What is he expecting to happen when the children are older?
Will he be expecting you to find paid employment at some point?

Abd80 · 01/04/2026 00:55

So frustrating to read. I’m angry on your behalf ! I’m also a SAHM since having my third baby 20 months ago. Husband is a surgeon working long long hours and sometimes we don’t see him for days!
genuinely he isn’t able to participate in housework during the week so we have a cleaner. I would not be able to do it all myself. We have no family support at all.
On the evenings he comes home before bedtime he does the older two children’s bedtimes. He gets into bed beside them cuddles them and reads to them, the chronicles of narnia, Harry Potter, etc they love that bonding time and sometimes he falls asleep in there himself. (The boys have large double beds) i hear them all giggling and chatting about their day and eventually snoring.
I always do baby’s bedtime and sleep with them as they are breastfed, but husband takes the bigger ones if he is home. If my husband has the weekend off we take it in turns to get up with the children and let the other parent “lie-in” until 9am or whatever.
i found it so sad to read about your husband just not engaging with his children and what he’s missing out on. Having a full-on high stress job does take you out of the house a lot but it makes the time you do have with your children all the more important.
I guess you have a choice. Can you continue the rest of your life like this if he won’t change and step up. If you’re staying you need to make changes to make things manageable for you so you get some breaks. ie get a cleaner. Hire a mother’s help. Go away yourself when his parents visit. you need breaks and rest too. You cannot be working 24/7 it’s not sustainable.

WinterSunglasses · 01/04/2026 00:08

How is he with doing stuff for himself in comparison to parenting tasks? I mean, this scene where he's lying on the sofa watching football while you run around after the kids. Will he get up and make himself a sandwich when he's hungry, or does he does he expect you to? Is it that you make lunch for the kids and his is included by default? What about his washing: is that also something you do? Does he do anything at all that's not enjoyable for him?

CypressGrove · 31/03/2026 23:18

How do you think he will be with his children as they get older - will he be helping with school work and coaching the footy team etc? Do you want your sons to grow up to be like him, and your daughters to marry someone like him?

owlpassport · 31/03/2026 21:58

@amria paid childcare he won’t really get because he says I have my mum to help, plus I wanted to be with the kids, why pay for a nanny when I’m not working anyway (in his view)

Umm yes seems reasonable..! I wasn't thinking of a nanny, more of dropping the younger two into a nursery for a few hours one day for a bit of a break.

And as for the rest of your post, it's not right, but it certainly isn't uncommon from what I observe around me.

locationx3 · 31/03/2026 21:46

It is a sucky situation but you don't seem to want to take any of the options available to you to change it. I guess the point of this thread was to have a vent.

GoBackToBooks · 31/03/2026 20:42

amria · 31/03/2026 20:35

@owlpassport
hes happy to do a Sunday as a family if I do the hard bits and he does the fun bits. So let’s say we go to the farm, he will gladly join but he’ll play with one child for a bit, then head for a coffee whilst I manage the kids if there’s a tantrum, he’ll point out a sheep and maybe help the kids feed it but leave me to ensure hands are washed. If they’re on some sort of kid trucks I’ll be the one chasing them whilst he browses something on his phone. At lunch he’ll sit down and eat his food whilst I ensure all the kids have what they need, cut up the food, get them water, put the bib on etc.

paid childcare he won’t really get because he says I have my mum to help, plus I wanted to be with the kids, why pay for a nanny when I’m not working anyway (in his view)

You really need to get out and leave him on his own with the kids to learn how demanding they are.

I suggested a Sat job earlier but maybe just a hobby that takes up one whole weekend day - a team sport perhaps that you can’t miss as you’ll let the team down!

You need to nip this ‘not-my-job’ attitude he has in the bud or put up with it until your kids turn 18 and even beyond. Stop moaning and action a plan!

Original poster

amria · 31/03/2026 20:35

@owlpassport
hes happy to do a Sunday as a family if I do the hard bits and he does the fun bits. So let’s say we go to the farm, he will gladly join but he’ll play with one child for a bit, then head for a coffee whilst I manage the kids if there’s a tantrum, he’ll point out a sheep and maybe help the kids feed it but leave me to ensure hands are washed. If they’re on some sort of kid trucks I’ll be the one chasing them whilst he browses something on his phone. At lunch he’ll sit down and eat his food whilst I ensure all the kids have what they need, cut up the food, get them water, put the bib on etc.

paid childcare he won’t really get because he says I have my mum to help, plus I wanted to be with the kids, why pay for a nanny when I’m not working anyway (in his view)

OP posts:

Original poster

amria · 31/03/2026 20:26

Silverbellsandtacoshells · 31/03/2026 16:02

OP, who looked after DC 1 and DC 2 when you were away having DC 3 ?

Show quote history

My mum there the whole time, DH popping in and out

OP posts:

CheeseLand2 · 31/03/2026 19:04

amria · 31/03/2026 13:13

@CheeseLand2 sorry if I’ve missed the question.

yes he was very keen for all 3 kids. No3 came earlier than planned but we did say we’d like 3.

he will physically not let me have a lie in. Partly because our middle child will barge into the room and partly because he really does struggle with 2. Even if I say Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, he just… won’t cooperate with Saturday being my lie in. He’ll come in and say there’s been a poonami and he needs another pair of hands or he doesn’t understand what the 2yo is asking for or he needs my help in another way

well in that case he hasn’t got a leg to stand on! Working full time does not exempt you from parenting duties in the evening or at the weekend.

I stayed at home for the first couple of years and it was relentless and much harder than working! My husband came home from a very taxing and tiring job (making serious life/death decisions) and still got stuck in. When I went back to work full time guess what, I did the same.

your husband is just a lazy arse and although parenting children as young as yours doesn’t always yield much in the way of enjoyment you should still do it to the absolute best of your ability for their sake! He wants to be selfish and you just can’t do that with young kids.

You’re not asking for the world here. You already do the lions share of parenting.

I really don’t know what the answer is aside from reading him the riot act and that he needs to pull his weight when he’s home and hope that he will become more interested as they get older.

tiptoethrutulips · 31/03/2026 17:49

amria · 31/03/2026 15:09

@MyFAFOera
he does this himself kind of.

Last time they came we went out for the day and ended up doing quite a long walk that finished at a little farm. It wasn’t a quick stroll, it was a proper few hours out. He walked the whole way without a single complaint, no mention of being tired, no needing to stop for a sit down or coffee, nothing like that.

When we got there he was really hands on. He was taking the kids round to see the animals, helping them feed and pet them, properly engaging with them, playing on an adventure playground. Very active, very involved, very present the whole day.

And then at one point he actually joked, in front of his parents, something along the lines of “this is my active weekend of the month, I never normally do this, I’d usually be lying on the sofa watching football.”

So it’s not like he’s pretending to them that he’s always like that. He openly says that this isn’t his usual and that normally he wouldn’t be doing any of it.

The fact he says it like it's a joke probably has his parents thinking it's actually a joke ... and he knows that.

Needlenardlenoo · 31/03/2026 17:04

GoBackToBooks · 31/03/2026 16:01

@amria for some men, until they are left to actually do childcare on their own they don’t know what it actually entails. From my experience once my DH had our DC every Monday (he worked Sat instead) he then got involved naturally with the everyday grind. I’m so thankful we had that day, it really taught him a great deal about parenting.

This may sound nuts but could you get yourself a little non-stressful Saturday job? You get the day off from the kids, get to chat to adults and your DH gets the childcare experience he really needs.

Edited

Or more likely, ropes in his mum while getting hero points.

Silverbellsandtacoshells · 31/03/2026 16:28

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/03/2026 14:01

Because quite often the DH/Fiance/Partner says they really really want kids, and they genuinely do, but have no clue about the level of commitment/self sacrifice that entails. They often have, as singletons vitally important hobbies that take up the whole weekend. Or regularly go for afterwork drinks with colleagues or the mates that mean they rock up home after 10 pm.

Their partner trusts that they will still be equal even if they at home, and often only find out that they are expected to do the majority of the childcaring/domestic work when they are actually in that situation. Hence the surprise and the disappointment because they thought they were a team.

It starts in Maternity leave... until then they are both equally working full time, both bringing in full salaries, suddenly one is at home with baby and not contributing as much cash to the household coffers. That's when it becomes apparent to everyone that looking after the baby/domestics is not seen as having a material value (although it does) and the idea of the "stay at home" partner not "working" as hard because not earning cash, although providing a high value service.
It's a question of the working partner considering themselves more than their partner and children and seeing how much of the domestic/childcare they can get away with not bothering with. This grows because the less they do... the less they know how to do... the less they can be relied upon and so the other parent ends up doing it so that the children are properly cared for.

Edited

Show quote history

Thanks for that.
Some interesting dynamics there.

Silverbellsandtacoshells · 31/03/2026 16:02

MyFAFOera · 31/03/2026 13:44

What exactly does he think you do in the week when there's a poonami and you are on your own with them? He sounds an utter waste of space

Show quote history

OP, who looked after DC 1 and DC 2 when you were away having DC 3 ?

GoBackToBooks · 31/03/2026 16:01

@amria for some men, until they are left to actually do childcare on their own they don’t know what it actually entails. From my experience once my DH had our DC every Monday (he worked Sat instead) he then got involved naturally with the everyday grind. I’m so thankful we had that day, it really taught him a great deal about parenting.

This may sound nuts but could you get yourself a little non-stressful Saturday job? You get the day off from the kids, get to chat to adults and your DH gets the childcare experience he really needs.

owlpassport · 31/03/2026 15:57

amria · 31/03/2026 15:09

@MyFAFOera
he does this himself kind of.

Last time they came we went out for the day and ended up doing quite a long walk that finished at a little farm. It wasn’t a quick stroll, it was a proper few hours out. He walked the whole way without a single complaint, no mention of being tired, no needing to stop for a sit down or coffee, nothing like that.

When we got there he was really hands on. He was taking the kids round to see the animals, helping them feed and pet them, properly engaging with them, playing on an adventure playground. Very active, very involved, very present the whole day.

And then at one point he actually joked, in front of his parents, something along the lines of “this is my active weekend of the month, I never normally do this, I’d usually be lying on the sofa watching football.”

So it’s not like he’s pretending to them that he’s always like that. He openly says that this isn’t his usual and that normally he wouldn’t be doing any of it.

It sounds like he doesn't particularly enjoy spending time with children. You really do and want to spend all your time with them, so you're approaching this from very different perspectives. You can't make him enjoy spending all day with babies and toddlers. I don't, I find it incredibly dull. Difference is I chose not to have any, he chose to have three, so he's going to have to compromise and suck it up a bit. Perhaps he'll come into his own when they're a bit older and want to do things he's interested in.

I really disagree with all the PPs making out that this is a LTB-level offence. The man works all week and wants to spend his Saturdays lying on the couch watching the football. There are far worse things. You haven't really addressed various suggestions people have made. If he gets a Saturday to himself is he happy to do a family day out on a Sunday? Would you feel better if you used paid childcare to get a day to yourself through the week? You are lucky to have that option, many couples both work FT and just have no choice.

theemmadilemma · 31/03/2026 15:52

Octavia64 · 30/03/2026 23:22

He doesn’t want to show that side of himself to his parents.

probably at least in part because they would be disappointed and upset and might make negative comments and he doesn’t want those.

he doesn’t enjoy parenting though, clearly.

This. He's a cunt.

Original poster

amria · 31/03/2026 15:50

@IlovePhilMitchellperhaps, but all I’m saying is that calling him out in front of his parents won’t help or change anything

OP posts:

Ramblethroughthebrambles · 31/03/2026 15:47

amria · 31/03/2026 13:13

@CheeseLand2 sorry if I’ve missed the question.

yes he was very keen for all 3 kids. No3 came earlier than planned but we did say we’d like 3.

he will physically not let me have a lie in. Partly because our middle child will barge into the room and partly because he really does struggle with 2. Even if I say Saturday is my lie in, Sunday is yours, he just… won’t cooperate with Saturday being my lie in. He’ll come in and say there’s been a poonami and he needs another pair of hands or he doesn’t understand what the 2yo is asking for or he needs my help in another way

But if you respond by getting up and helping him, you are just accepting his version of the world i.e. that he can't possibly be expected to manage on his own. What's wrong with saying you had to learn how to deal with all this with no prior knowledge and so can he?

IlovePhilMitchell · 31/03/2026 15:17

amria · 31/03/2026 15:09

@MyFAFOera
he does this himself kind of.

Last time they came we went out for the day and ended up doing quite a long walk that finished at a little farm. It wasn’t a quick stroll, it was a proper few hours out. He walked the whole way without a single complaint, no mention of being tired, no needing to stop for a sit down or coffee, nothing like that.

When we got there he was really hands on. He was taking the kids round to see the animals, helping them feed and pet them, properly engaging with them, playing on an adventure playground. Very active, very involved, very present the whole day.

And then at one point he actually joked, in front of his parents, something along the lines of “this is my active weekend of the month, I never normally do this, I’d usually be lying on the sofa watching football.”

So it’s not like he’s pretending to them that he’s always like that. He openly says that this isn’t his usual and that normally he wouldn’t be doing any of it.

I honestly think he says that to passively aggressively remind you that he won’t be doing it when they’re not there.