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Original poster

To not want my partner to be an anonymous sperm donor?

294 replies

BamBamPadam · 30/03/2026 19:53

We’ve been together a few years, own a home together and I’m in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

Early in our relationship my partner told me he was considering doing sperm donation for a bit of pocket money/fun money. He had a holiday coming up at the time and wanted some spends. He had decided to ask my opinion before going ahead with it which I really appreciated as we were aiming for a long-term relationship at the time. I said I wasn’t personally comfortable with it as it felt like a huge thing to be doing just for some pocket money. I also was quite honest and open by the fact that the thought of a load of other women being pregnant with his offspring was weird to me and would put a dampener on the relationship. He understood and binned off the idea.

His best friend who is a single man and doesn’t plan on having his own kids (he spends half the year in Thailand and loves the bachelor life) has recently donated sperm and has been encouraging my partner to do it. Both on the basis of a bit of extra money and to “help people”. My partner has slowly been coming around to the idea and has mentioned to me he’d like to look into an anonymous donation again.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t want to worry about my child having random siblings everywhere. I don’t want any random strangers who resemble my partner joining us for Sunday dinner in 18 years expecting him to step up and be their dad. And then on a slightly more unreasonable note - I don’t like the idea of other women being pregnant with his baby! I’m not usually a possessively jealous type and I know it’s very common to have children with more than one person and that’s normal nowadays. But I am otherwise in a really happy relationship with him and I feel like having children by him should be something that only I get the “privilege” of whilst we’re in a relationship? I don’t know if that makes sense. I think that’s a relatively normal thing to feel whilst pregnant isn’t it? If he had an older child with an ex partner it’d be different of course but the thought of other women being pregnant by him whilst I’m raising his newborn…it just freaks me out even though no cheating would’ve occurred. It just feels so wrong on a primal level. Maybe I’m just hormonal, I don’t know. I can understand people like his mate being donors but I don’t get why you’d do it if you have your own famil.

He hasn’t been nasty about my feelings but says I’m being overly sensitive about the emotional aspect of it and he doesn’t see why I’d feel jealousy towards any women that end up the recipient of his sperm. He also says the extra money will be useful for stuff for our baby. He says he’ll consider my feelings but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.

I just hate hate hate the whole idea of it and I am so angry that he wants to risk upsetting me and bringing a load of resentment into our relationship for the sake of a few hundred quid (maximum).

OP posts:
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5
Twoshoesnewshoes · 30/03/2026 20:53

Oh no, there’s no way I could be with someone who thought like this.
your feelings are really valid OP.
yes, there are some odd reasons why people donate. I worked with a bloke who donated sperm. He was sacked for having images on his phone. I feel for any children he fathered!

CautiousLurker2 · 30/03/2026 20:51

BamBamPadam · 30/03/2026 19:59

I actually think it would be a dealbreaker for me, the thought of it makes me feel ill

It would be for me, too, and frankly I think you should tell him so. Donate and leave because it will be over, or respect both you and your children (as they have rights too).

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 30/03/2026 20:51

' but that he will still go ahead with it if he wants too whether I like it or not.'

and that sums it all up really !

Wecanagreetodisagree · 30/03/2026 20:51

Jellybunny98 · 30/03/2026 20:48

You’re not unreasonable in your feelings, I’d feel the same.

It’s a tricky one because as others have said legally in the UK you only get a small payment for expenses, usually £35-50 ish, so it’s certainly not a big earner- this is if you do it all above board and via a licensed clinic etc which is really important for everyone’s safety and also ensures he has no legal responsibility for the child, although they will get his details and could choose to contact him at 18.

That said, there are still ways it is done in the UK in a sort of “back street” way where more money is paid. Lots of facebook pages and websites etc of women, particularly the pages for single mum’s by choice, who are seeking a specific person/look/genetics and they do pay the bigger amounts of money for donations. I work with a woman who did this and although this was about 3 years ago as her child is nearly 2 I remember her saying she paid around £400 per donation and she also paid for a hotel room as the donor would go in first and leave his “sample” and she would then go in and do her bit. It’s not legal but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. There are obviously risks to do it this way though that massively outweigh the financial benefit for the donor as well as the woman involved. Doing it that way is risky if for no other reason for a man than that he can be considered the legal father of that child.

And there is no screening!!!

Didimum · 30/03/2026 20:50

BamBamPadam · 30/03/2026 20:07

Yes we are! Don’t think he’s even bothered to look into it that seriously and research the practicalities of it as I just mentioned to him that I was “researching” online and found it was only expenses paid and he seemed slightly shocked. Which almost pisses me off even more. Stressing me out just for the sake of it rather than thinking it’d genuinely financially benefit us. I think the thought of donating sperm just makes him feel special or something, ugh.

i know the mate donated in another country which he has strong connections with and not the UK

Edited
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Excellent chap to be having a baby with …

Wecanagreetodisagree · 30/03/2026 20:50

TooPoor4PandaPooTea · 30/03/2026 20:41

Breeding fetish would be my first assumption too. Thailand visiting single mate as well.

It's less than £50 reimbursement per visit, not even per donation @BamBamPadam.

I'd be suspicious he was planning to meet women online to share his fetish if he tried to convince you he was being paid.

Edited
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I can’t imagine you donate twice in one visit as they say when your trying to conceive don’t be doing it close in time to allow sperm to regroup (can’t think of right word)

£45 is paltry and not worth it

Jellybunny98 · 30/03/2026 20:48

You’re not unreasonable in your feelings, I’d feel the same.

It’s a tricky one because as others have said legally in the UK you only get a small payment for expenses, usually £35-50 ish, so it’s certainly not a big earner- this is if you do it all above board and via a licensed clinic etc which is really important for everyone’s safety and also ensures he has no legal responsibility for the child, although they will get his details and could choose to contact him at 18.

That said, there are still ways it is done in the UK in a sort of “back street” way where more money is paid. Lots of facebook pages and websites etc of women, particularly the pages for single mum’s by choice, who are seeking a specific person/look/genetics and they do pay the bigger amounts of money for donations. I work with a woman who did this and although this was about 3 years ago as her child is nearly 2 I remember her saying she paid around £400 per donation and she also paid for a hotel room as the donor would go in first and leave his “sample” and she would then go in and do her bit. It’s not legal but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. There are obviously risks to do it this way though that massively outweigh the financial benefit for the donor as well as the woman involved. Doing it that way is risky if for no other reason for a man than that he can be considered the legal father of that child.

Laura95167 · 30/03/2026 20:47

You dont get paid for sperm if you donate to NHS, you can be compensated up to £45 for travel and time costs (dont know if you need travel receipts) surely he could sell some clothes on vinted for spends?!?! Yanbu

Wecanagreetodisagree · 30/03/2026 20:47

Mcdhotchoc · 30/03/2026 19:56

There is no such thing as anonymous donation. Any offspring can do a dna test and find him.
I'd be really unhappy if my partner went ahead against my wishes

Only if his dna was put on the list surely?

RonnieCharter · 30/03/2026 20:46

Rainbowdottie · 30/03/2026 20:07

I don’t know enough about it in terms of , is it really anonymous, can any kids have access to him later in life etc but honestly no, I wouldn’t like it. My cousin had a baby through sperm donation. It’s given her something she thought she’d never have and that is absolutely absolutely amazing for her….but I wouldn’t want my husband to be fathering loads of kids. I wouldn’t choose to be with a man who has X amount of kids so I wouldn’t be with someone who is considering sperm donation as in my mind, it’s the same thing.
surely there’s other ways to make money

LOL it’s not the same thing

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 30/03/2026 20:45

I don’t think he should be taking advice from a friend ‘who lives the bachelor life in Thailand’ 🤮

nonmerci99 · 30/03/2026 20:45

carnivalcat · 30/03/2026 20:11

YANBU to not want your partner fathering other children. Obviously. Could it be some of this weird red pill shit? Where big strong alpha men father dozens of children?

Yes, it’s a huge red flag and this is also the first place my mind went. OP, this would give me the ick majorly and if he didn’t stop discussing it and put it to bed, might be enough to torpedo the entire relationship. You are not even slightly unreasonable here.

mindutopia · 30/03/2026 20:45

I didn’t even know you could still get paid for sperm donation in the UK, but apparently, you can. It’s £45. Is he really that hard up for holiday beer money? Could he not just not go out for a month? Surely, a night out is like £50 for one person. Just watch a film at home and eat a frozen pizza for a few weeks. Less complicated than taking the risk your child will inadvertently have a baby with their half sibling one day. 😳

Doingtheboxerbeat · 30/03/2026 20:43

Nopersbro · 30/03/2026 20:40

I'd be interested in his reaction if you suggested he donate plasma instead. It fulfils all of his stated goals for the sperm donation while avoiding all of the downsides you raised. And you can do it as often as every two weeks if you meet the criteria.

Ooh I like this 🤗 , definitely suggest this , see what he says.

RonnieCharter · 30/03/2026 20:43

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Viviennemary · 30/03/2026 20:41

It's a terrible idea. I don't agree with sperm donation. But in your case it's an absolute no way. How can he even think this is ok. Tbh I would end the relationship. I couldn't be with somebody who thought in this way.

TooPoor4PandaPooTea · 30/03/2026 20:41

Hippiedippi · 30/03/2026 20:21

Another poster said it already but breeding fetish also crossed my mind. It’s such little money that there must be another motivation.

Breeding fetish would be my first assumption too. Thailand visiting single mate as well.

It's less than £50 reimbursement per visit, not even per donation @BamBamPadam.

I'd be suspicious he was planning to meet women online to share his fetish if he tried to convince you he was being paid.

BellesAndGraces · 30/03/2026 20:40

Tell him you’ll consider surrogacy for extra cash once the baby is born.

Nopersbro · 30/03/2026 20:40

I'd be interested in his reaction if you suggested he donate plasma instead. It fulfils all of his stated goals for the sperm donation while avoiding all of the downsides you raised. And you can do it as often as every two weeks if you meet the criteria.

RonnieCharter · 30/03/2026 20:38

Hellohelga · 30/03/2026 20:35

Since you aren’t married any offspring that turned up age 18 would be on a similar footing to your own children. I would not like this at all.

Categorically untrue

Gettingbysomehow · 30/03/2026 20:37

My ex husband wanted to do this as I already had a DS and didnt want any more children.
I wasnt particularly bothered.
He trotted off and it turned out he had no live sperm, not a single one. He never got over it.
He'd had undescended testicles as a child and it had made him infertile.
So that was all a complete disaster.
Its outrageous he is going on about this while you are pregnant when he knows you are against it. Id be reconsidering the relationship quite honestly.

LittleMyLabyrinth · 30/03/2026 20:37

Fine for the thought to cross his mind but the fact that he's so weirdly set on it is a red flag.

Agapornis · 30/03/2026 20:36

Is he following socials of those creepy 'impregnate as many women' men?
Does the friend actually offer what is euphemistically referred to as 'live insemination only'? 🤢

Maybe he should watch some documentaries about the ethics of it all. The real, official UK ones are generally okay, I don't think he'll pass the initial checklists with his motivations. I'm fairly sure they ask about current partner consent?

Hellohelga · 30/03/2026 20:35

Since you aren’t married any offspring that turned up age 18 would be on a similar footing to your own children. I would not like this at all.

RonnieCharter · 30/03/2026 20:35

Smoosha · 30/03/2026 20:02

As others have said there’s no such thing as anonymous sperm donation in the UK anymore. He would also have to have compulsory counselling before donating. And I believe he needs to commit to regular donations for a set amount of time before they take him on. It isn’t a quick session and done type thing. I believe in the UK they are allowed to make up to 10 families with one donor. (Could be more than 10 children depending on siblings etc). Obviously though i believe he can remove his consent for the sperm to be used later down the line. But it really isn’t the easy cash option like it used to be decades ago.

This is correct.

As the mother of two children born with the assistance of sperm donation, it makes me uneasy to read some of these posts.

First and foremost you have set a boundary and it’s a betrayal if he crosses it. You need to outline clearly that there will be consequences.

Second, take the information you have learned here to teach him about the process of, and rules around, sperm donation in the UK. Look up HEFA, the governing body.

Ultimately you should not be forced into a situation where your children have “donor siblings”. Your husbands approach in my opinion is not for the right reasons and as much as you would “feel sick”
about a woman being pregnant using his sperm, so would I if I knew my chosen donor was an absolute pig who went against his wife’s wishes. Our children’s donor shared a heartfelt handwritten note outlining his altruistic reason for donating (and was not paid - European sperm) which means everything to me. I’m not bothered if my children do or don’t meet him, that’s up to them when they turn 18, but personally I want to hug him and thank him for giving me the greatest miracles of my life.

For many of us it’s what we have accepted the life that donor sperm brings and work everyday to ensure our own children feel secure, loved and attached so that whatever happens in the future, they are not disappointed by rejection. its not something he should take lightly for a few bucks.

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