AIBU to speak to the head about information being shared?

It would help if you added this to your previous thread on your SIL teacher passing information to your estranged MiL.

I’m a teacher. This. It would be Headteacher and not safeguarding lead though. It’s a complaint against a member of staff 🫡

i wouldn’t invite my wife to a school event, for example. The sister in law is an adult and the mother has no place being there

I’d maybe give her the heads up. Maybe tell her that if it happens again you’ll be forced to make an official complaint. It’s serious you see. I’d suggest gross negligence. Potentially sackable.

i question the school in all of this as well. Letting randomers go to school events.

When dealing with an issue concerning a member of staff, you’ll have to deal with the headteacher

Many primary schools now do the complete opposite. They don’t have their newsletters, calendar of events, class information and so on their websites at all. And their social media can only be accessed by invitation.

I would make an appointment with the safeguarding lead at the school and talk to them.

Speak to the DSL and emphasise how unprofessional it is of her to share information and how upset your children are when they see your MIL.

You’re being far too dramatic here! How on earth is your Ds having his privacy completely destroyed by his grandmother being in a public audience of a performance? And how did you not know she was there? It must be a massive school!

The main thing here is the impact on your children. If you talk to the school about how upset your son was and how this can’t continue then I don’t see how they can’t support a request to keep the grandmother away from the school. I don’t care that she got tickets legitimately through her daughter; your SIL can be told by the Head that can’t happen anymore, because of course the welfare of the children at the school comes before an adult staff member getting to have guests of their choice attending. You probably can’t control the flow of information but the school can and should ensure your wishes are respected about access to your children from estranged relatives who don’t need to be there.

Honestly I actually think you should talk to the safe guarding lead at the school. I am a Teaching Assistant and what you are talking about sounds like a safe guarding breech which your SIL could and should be in big trouble for.

If your SIL had a child at the school if would be fair enough. If your son Jonny and his first cousin Harry were in the same school and Harry (along with SIL and his dad) got on fine with his Nan and wanted her to see him in the play, you couldn't prevent MIL seeing your Jonny unless there was legally a restraining order on her.

There is nothing especially usual about a teacher's mum going to events though. I mean if SIL was putting on a play maybe and needed extra helpers or something, but not generally.

I'm very curious as to why a teacher would have any tickets allocated at all?

Our school are pretty strict about ticket allocations. Never in my decade + / 3 DC have I heard of a teacher or TA bringing a guest to watch thier class play?

Yes raise it with the headteacher.

I'm not sure how you manage to have any kind of parent / teacher relationship with the dynamics you outline. And why are you only NC with your MIL if SIL is clearly to "blame" too?

If there's no evidence specific personal information is being passed on there's very little school can do. Most schools publicise events like plays on their Facebook page or website to promote the school. Even if you took your children to a different school the grandmother could find out about these events and attend presumably. It wouldn't hurt to explain the situation to the head but it might not stop it.

But it is a family issue? It’s sort of secondary that your SIL has contact through school. You haven’t said you are NC with SIL so presumably even if she were not their teacher she would be sharing information. As their teacher, she has perhaps more access to information.

From what you have said so far it does not sound as though you have had a direct conversation with SIL. That should be your first point of call, as a family matter, before bothering the head.

I do think it would be reasonable to contact the school and ask your MIL not be issued any tickets. This is a common and straightforward safeguarding procedure. Simply inform SIL once the school agrees.

All that said, I’d probably move them if the family schism is so great. How does DC feel about being in SIL’s class?

You are creating the drama! If you didn’t want the drama you’d move them or not react, am presuming your SIL their teacher or is it a tiny school? How else does she know every minutiae? Are you hoping the fallout is professional admonishment for SIL?

Please try and avoid dragging the school into your family dramas

With respect, you don't KNOW anything. Firstly ypur Fil and mil are estranged so how does he know who is calling his wife a d the content of their conversations? Also if MIL has gone NC with you, what makes you think she knows if your kids ate off sick?

This. (@YerMotherWasAHamster did your father smell of elderberries?)
@Happyspring1 if you honestly believe your dc are at such risk from her, you need to remove them from the school and cut contact with the man she lives with.

If it was me, I would move schools rather than keep my children in the situation, given you say they are distressed by it.

What about their father who you sayvhas access. Maybe his sister is telling him when his own children are ill, and he is telling his mother?

This, or are you enjoying the drama of telling everyone of how awful she is?