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Original poster

To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

208 replies

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 10:21

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

OP posts:
Dogsandtoast · 30/03/2026 10:36

PekaPeka · 30/03/2026 10:34

Yes I think it’s best to not mention too much to schools, I would never tell them anything private about my life so yanbu to regret it

This is not good advice.

Original poster
Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 10:36

SapatSea · 30/03/2026 10:28

I agree with @Goinggonegone it is really common to feel overexposed when you have shared a "secret." I really hope things improve for you. You sound like a wonderful mother. I still shudder when I think of some things I told my sister and a close colleague.

You’ve explained it so much better than I did. It was my ‘secret’. Some of my friends know bits of what I’ve experienced (and they are incredible friends, I literally would not be here for my children without them) but no one person knows everything. Now, the teacher I told, plus the safeguarding lead and both deputy safeguarding leads all know. So it’s gone from no one to four people overnight. I feel sick and can’t even look at them. My children are already two of only 7% of children on pupil premium at this school because of how he’s financially trapped me and now they know this too I just feel like my children are on their radar.

OP posts:
PekaPeka · 30/03/2026 10:34

Yes I think it’s best to not mention too much to schools, I would never tell them anything private about my life so yanbu to regret it

pinksquash13 · 30/03/2026 10:33

Oh I really feel for you OP. To try and make you feel better, I work in a very leafy area with lots of lovely families but every day at school something much worse than what you've said is disclosed. If people are being nice to you it's because they respect you as a good mum in a tricky spot. They will genuinely want to help. But at the same time, you're welcome to say everything is fine if they bring it up again and you don't want to talk about it. Sending love and strength.

Dogsandtoast · 30/03/2026 10:32

PLEASE don't worry! The school is part of your community, they care about you and your children. Just smile and wave when you see the teacher. I had to tell my DD's teacher that I was separating and they couldn't have been more supportive and kind, but I got the impression that they hear far worse things. I was ashamed and hated having to tell people but no one bats an eyelid. The more you tell, the less alone you will feel and the stronger you will be. You're doing brilliantly.

MouseMama · 30/03/2026 10:31

You have nothing to be ashamed of and no one at the school thinks you are shameful. You are an excellent parent prioritising the needs of your children in very exceptionally difficult circumstances. Hold your head high.

SapatSea · 30/03/2026 10:28

I agree with @Goinggonegone it is really common to feel overexposed when you have shared a "secret." I really hope things improve for you. You sound like a wonderful mother. I still shudder when I think of some things I told my sister and a close colleague.

Goinggonegone · 30/03/2026 10:25

I think it's quite common to feel overexposed when you have shared something vulnerable. In my experience, these feelings lessen over time. I think you are overthinking their thoughts about you and projecting as part of your anxiety and overwhelm.
You have not done anything wrong. It's okay. Try and do things now that make your boundaries feel safe. 🌻

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