To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

I just want to say that I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I hope things improve for you in the future.

Also, without wishing to overstep, I think you should consider letting people know what is happening, create a paper trail. You haven't done anything wrong, but you might need back up from others (eg. GP, school, people you know, police?) in the future. It may be easier to get that if they have a full knowledge of what you are going through. I hope this doesn't make you feel pressurised.

No shame for you.
If you confident dc are happy to see him and be with hm and no abuse directed to them then looks like is best.
If that changes in future as they get older and answer back...) then what you share is important.

Yes this, if he escalated anything then the school are aware of him, he isn't a good man or a decent father he only acts decent when things are going his way, but in no way is he a good father.

I have also been the teacher who listened to a very, very similar disclosure when the child was in Reception.

I had the upmost respect for that mother. She was a fantastic mum who did everything in her power to protect her dd and herself from her ex. He was very similar to your ex @Itsfinallyspring. Presented himself as Dad of the Year material. I was involved with the family all the way through the primary school. There were many, many court dates etc in that time.

I then bumped into the mum and dd when the dd was late teens. Mum had remarried. The DD was doing really well at college. She had chosen to have minimal contact with her dad after he had moved away with his new wife and dc. She seems very happy, balanced and mature. I was thrilled for them both.

I'm a very experienced teacher and have had lots of parents confide things in me over the years.

I'd just like to reassure you if I can. In all the schools I've worked in, this wouldn't be 'gossip', I'd only ever discuss it with the DSL if I thought that was necessary. I wouldn't pity you, I'd have even more respect for how well you were raising your kids with all this stuff going on. We're human beings, we have our own shit going on behind the scenes believe me, we're not about to judge you because your life isn't all kittens and roses.

It can be extremely helpful to have a better understanding of the dynamic between the parents when dealing with children, so you've absolutely done the right thing in telling his class teacher.

Finally, from my point of view, I want to support the families I work with. I don't mean in a huge, social services type way, that's not always needed. I just mean if I can do some small thing to make your life easier I'll do that. I'm on your side.

At least if anything happens in future the school are witness to what you told them now.

It's not you that should be embarrassed or ashamed it's your DH!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and keeping his secret is another way he continues to exert control over you. I can understand why you don't want to report the abuse, and I don't want to tell you what to do, because that's not helpful. But have a careful think about whether you can take slow steps to reporting. He may be fine with his children now, but these patterns of behaviour are deep rooted and may come out once your children start to push against boundaries. I'm so sorry you are facing such a horrendous time.

I disagree. The OP has absolutely nothing to be ashamed about anyway, but school will be well aware that behind the 30 faces in front of them are 30 families many of them going through all sorts of challenges and traumas at one time or another. Sometimes a listening ear at the school gate is just what we need, I've openly sobbed on a poor teacher more than once- we are all humans!

Can you appeal that OP? Seriously I would try. I really feel for you. You shouldn’t be forced into a co parenting situation with your abuser and you shouldn't have to see him or deal with him. It’s awful how woman are expected to put up and shut up in these situations. Parallel parenting is more appropriate. This must be extremely traumatic for you.

Any "shame" here attaches to your ex and not to you. Your children's school are just aware now that they need to be careful in their dealings with him and not always trust what he says, however nice he may appear.

If he put you in hospital then make sure you have a copy of those medical records.

@Itsfinallyspring HE should be ashamed- not you! 🩷

Because people/women/ mums who are traumatised are scared of intrusion in the only bit of privacy and control they have, this is why they are reluctant for ss to be involved, they feel judged and Shame and they panic about their kids being removed,most traumatised women are in survival mode.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through, and are still going through, thanks to your ex.

As a teacher, please rest assured that the school will only want to support you and your children. Nobody is going to judge you. There is nothing to 'judge' anyway. You wished to move to make a better life for yourself and your children, and he has been a total a about it. Believe me, the school will be dealing with so many other issues behind the scenes which you will not be aware of. Stories that would make your toes curl. They'll be dealing with issues which many bystanders would indeed judge for if they knew the details, but won't even judge those situations because they are professionals who only have the children's best interests at heart. Believe me, you absolutely won't be judged for this at all.

Definitely don't move the children. If you have to remain living where you are, they are much better off staying where they are happy and settled rather than moving them for no reason. I know you feel embarrassed, but it's actually better for the children if the school do know the full story. It's important to be honest with the school, to help them best support you as a family. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it's actually a good thing for you that it's all come out. School pastoral teams can be an amazing source of support. They can be the sounding board you never even realised you needed. Lean on them, don't hide from them.

You silence from social services and the school the police, about the father of your children’s behaviour. Is enabling him to continue it. You seem convinced that he is great with the children and that the control is limited to you. This may be the case now as they are younger. What happens when they are older and want independence? I do not understand why you don’t want to report him for this behaviour. Why are people so scared of SS they are there to support you. As are the School. One of the reasons that your ex has created this problem is that he has access to decent lawyers. But a decent lawyer can be defeated by a strong network of support from people that will help you fight your corner.

They are being extra nice because they like you, have learned a bit about what a great job you’re doing as a mum in very difficult circumstances and understand that you’ve been through a really hard time through no fault of your own. This is one of those occasions where ‘the shame should change sides.’ He should feel utterly disgusted with himself whereas you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. The teachers’ kind reactions show you that. You feel a bit exposed as you’ve told them something painful that you hate to discuss which is totally understandable but in doing so you’ve helped them understand your family better.

you sound quite odd and paranoid

I went through similar and did not tell the school but I did tell womens aid. I would look
into some of their programmes to help yourself. I found them beneficial and some can be done online. It sounds like you have been triggered by his behaviour and the court process recently. Try not to let this deter you. You can still have a fresh start and move just not as far away. Keep planning. You can do this. My children are older and I plan to move once they finish school. There can always be a longer term plan. The most important part is you are no longer in a relationship with this man and your children are better off because of it, you made sure of that op.

@Itsfinallyspring firstly, well done for making sure that the school understood your position and no, you were not oversharing, you were being honest and that helps the school so much in ensuring your children get the best out of the school. Last week I did a safeguarding visit at a school where I am Chair, and although this is an area of high deprivation, no one on the staff judges the families, it is more of a, "There but for the grace of God, go I" situation. I am so sorry that your former partner has treated you so badly but do not beat yourself up for oversharing, because sometimes, just getting it out to a relative stranger is all it needs for your to decide on a course of action.

I didn't say you had. I was just explaining why many parents who hold that view feel like that.

It's your personal preference, of course, but what you have said is factually inaccurate. Schools are places to find support. And, where they can't provide it themselves, they can signpost to places that can.

It's irresponsible to advise on something you admit you know absolutely nothing about 👍🏻

Of course it’s one of them, why would you say it wasn’t?

You’ve not even had a lived experience!

Take heart that the school are being kind to you. It shows they respect you as an adult and parent. It's not always the case.
Remember too that teachers are human too and they are not immune to having bad relationships themselves.

The only person who should feel shame here is your ex.

You did nothing wrong there is no "shame" in sharing things with the school they are there to support your family and children's well being, the more you share the less "shame " you will feel.
I am so sorry about your move and job what he is doing to you is unforgiveable it is his shame not yours. Please don't hide away like a pp suggested you need as many people around you as possible, is there no jobs In your area that could help your financially? Also do you have to speak to him regarding the children I know you want to keep up appearances for them but can't you communicate over an App or maybe a mediator?

Never had social involved in my life but nice try 👍

Yes I think it’s best to not mention too much to schools, I would never tell them anything private about my life so yanbu to regret it

In my experience, when parents feel like this it is because they are trying to hide something from the school or SS or don't necessarily recognise or understand the wider context or implications of a situation.

Schools and SS are bound by statutory processes and legal obligations that parents don't always understand.

Schools are too busy to carry out vendettas against families and it isn't in anyone's best interests.

OP, I would actually advise you keep talking to the school. The better informed they are, the better the support they can offer.

One school I work has gone above and beyond to support families in similar situations including arranging therapy for the children and a place for the mum to feel supported and talk. It's never held against them and this school isn't alone in doing that.