To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

Why would people say that, do you think your abuse and awful ex husband is a put up and shut up situation?

Oh my goodness, that is a complete conflict of interest and it should have been raised. I’d be reporting her to the SRA. I’m disgusted.

In terms of over sharing, you haven’t, the shame is all his. My divorce story was horrific and I leant heavily on the wonderful safeguarding lead who knew everything and was an amazing support. I now work at that school. I don’t feel any shame because the behaviour wasn’t mine.

Stay at the same school, moving when it’s not needed is unnecessary upheaval and schools send records on to the new school anyway.
take the support OP and try not to worry. Schools will see much more complicated situations and ones that really are embarrassing rather than difficult ones like yours which are not your fault.

Your feelings are your feelings, but I think you need to focus on what is best for you and the kids long term. It's not healthy that everyone thinks everything is rosy between us and you and your ex, when it isn't. That could really work against you in the future if the kids ask around for opinions etc.
Stop letting his abuse dictate how you feel. He relies on shame to stop the word getting out that he's a twat. Take away his power.

That's a shame. Knowing a little about what is going on in a child's life can help the teacher understand their behaviour. The chances are the child will say something anyway and it would be better to have the story from the adult rather than the child's possible misperception. It's your right not to say anything about your own life of course but better not to give other people advice which could be harmful.

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this and I don’t think you should be embarrassed. Abuse thrives in silence and even though it’s not comfortable, being able to share this enormous burden been carrying and hiding for so long could be a good thing longer term.

I’m in a position where my ex was not as abusive as yours but boy did he make life challenging for so long. It feels endless especially when the kids are young, and I know at the time someone saying this wouldn’t have helped but it does pass eventually, he won’t have control like this forever. The children will grow up, your financial situation will change - maybe not this time but another time. I know that is of little help when you are in the thick of it but hold onto it. When it got so hard for me I kept reminding myself that - one day I’ll be free of this and he won’t be able to do this anymore.

Fair enough

Really? Surely you can't have your bit of fluff representent you in court?

What you experienced even has a name in psychology - it’s called a ‘vulnerability hangover’ it’s a physiological state where once repressed emotions are released. Avoiding and hiding emotions is a response to trauma - we feel the need to keep ourselves safe when under threat or in the presence of danger - freeze, flight, flop, fawn are all trauma reactions none of which would involve opening up - you live constantly in a hyper vigilant state which is exhausting for you - so when you release some information it’s actually scary - not surprised you only give out separate fragments to safe friends - that’s how terrorised you feel. The body keeps the score so doing the download will be unfamiliar to your mind and body so you will second guess yourself and be flooded with cortisol and adrenaline as anger and shame rinse through you.

But everyone is right - you should speak out - get used to it - it will
protect your DCs at school and you mentally and physically - as someone might notice something insignificant that saves your life one day. Keep talking to process it out of your body so you can release and provide more emotional capacity for your and your DCs as you can’t be in 2 emotional places at once. I understand you need to be on your toes re your X for the present and the future and that’s more than enough of a mental load - but the past stuff doesn't need to be carried by you - it needs processing and releasing. We all need to be educated as to how cruel and violent some men can be so that we can support their wives and children better by having a clearer idea of their capacity for evil.

I know you might be embarrassed by it all coming out because you fragmented information to protect yourself, but the school knowing everything can only be a good thing,

I'm a single mum and I feel a bit embarrassed after disclosing a little bit of how I’m feeling. It’s because I’m usually bottling my feelings up and being everybody else’s support so saying something so personal feels a little weak when it’s not.

All the time I was with my ex, and even post-separation, I hid his abusive behaviour - partly because he told me no one would believe me - but yes, also because I felt it was my job to cope with it without bothering other people. And I worried about the children knowing if it was spoken about. And even though it was bad, I thought it wasn't 'bad enough'. Even with the few people I did talk to (including my GP), I minimised it massively. Now, many years later, I wish I had been able to tell people what was going on - including my kids' school. I don't feel I've been able to move past it properly.

OP, I think you are brave to have talked to the school. These things need to be brought into the light, not hidden away. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, and the more we name the abuse, the less power it has over us and our children.

It would only be a conflict of interest if she was the OP’s solicitor. As his solicitor she is literally there to represent HIS interests!

This is exactly the sort of thing you SHOULD be telling the school. They are there to support you and your child and can be valuable allies. If you are going through family court then having an open and honest relationship with the school counts in your favour as it shows you are doing everything possible to ensure your child’s welfare.

I went through a difficult situation with my ex which included police, social services and safeguarding involvement. My daughter’s school were fantastic: they sorted play therapy for her and helped me out with things like food vouchers, holiday clubs etc. People can’t help you if they don’t know what you’re going through. You’d be amazed if you knew how many others were going through similar things behind closed doors.

These people are professionals, it isn’t oversharing to make them aware of difficult circumstances for your family. Please don’t think you have done anything wrong.

Dont feel bad OP. I was you 8 years ago, but the school didn't side with me. They sided with my charming and wealthy ex. I was the bad guy despite everything he did. I could tell they didn't believe me. I still had to be involved with the school knowing that they thought the sun shone out of his arse and I was making stuff up. It was so awful.

So the fact they are supportive and kind - I would take that and be extremely grateful for it. Sometimes oversharing ends up being the best thing you could ever do!

You should have told the judge that his lawyer was the OW, that's a massive conflict of interest!

Your ex is the one who should be feeling shame, not you.
You are clearly one of life’s copers, which is a strength in most regards.

I am concerned though, that you seem to have very little in the way of support. Might there be a woman’s group in your area, or similar, so that you have people in real life to talk to about these things?

It’s a lot to carry by yourself

Vulnerability is scary OP, that's all that's happening. Well done for speaking to someone.

It sounds like she was possibly legally obliged to tell them about the court order so she gave them the context. I can imagine what they would have thought had she not explained the background and it certainly wouldn’t be better than what she told them.

It’s good that the school knows. You’re just feeling raw and exposed because you’ve obviously had to keep a lid on so much. I hope the other job were understanding of your situation? I hope you take great pride in having got a job and having the balls to try and change things. I’m sorry the courts couldn’t see a way of changing up the days he has them to accommodate this change?

Time goes very quickly and before you know it, there won’t be such a necessity for school runs and all the other stuff the Dad (and you) are involved in. I admire your resilience but I would not worry at all about having confided in professionals who have a duty of care over your children when they’re in school. I’m sure it will be helpful to have a perspective on the real family dynamic when he rocks up to Parents Evening in his ‘father of the year’ role.

Take a deep breath - you’ve done nothing wrong - you just feel as if you have because he has battered your self-esteem and put the brakes on what could have been a fresh start. Best of luck with the future.

I’ve not read the thread just the op but just wanted to send you the biggest hug. You’ve shared something so deeply personal, no wonder you feel so exposed. In my opinion this will hopefully lead to some support for you. I’m so very sorry for what he’s done and is doing to you