Page 5 | To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

Itsfinallyspring · 2026-03-30T09:21:43+00:00

Name changed for this as some details could be outing. For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all. If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely. I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story). However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything! If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame. If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

StarCourt · 30/03/2026 14:37

Op I honestly think you have done the right thing for your DC and for you. I hope at some point you will realise that unburdening yourself may have helped.

Original poster

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:35

Dogmum74 · 30/03/2026 14:28

As someone who grew up with abuse I can guarantee you that you are not doing what is best for you or your children whatsoever. The children can see their Dad. Doesn’t mean you have to. And if you are not going to report the abuse he did and not do anything at all about it including letting him dictate where you live, then the abuse simply continues but in another format. It is still control. Would you advise your daughter to simply shut up and get on with it ‘for the sake of the kids’. We do not live in those times. It is also very telling that you say ‘the kids and their dad’ come first.

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I don’t mean to be pedantic but I didn’t say that, I said “My children and their needs will always come first”. Their needs, not their dad. I see him alone (without the kids) perhaps twice a year, so it really is only when absolutely necessary. To me, our son (who had always previously loved school, thrived and made excellent progress academically) switching off from school was a big deal. I tried to initially contact school myself, etc etc but it got to a point where we were both needed. And that needed to be a sit down discussion with pen and paper to make a plan to support our son. Because, fundamentally, we both love him and sometimes, he needs us both. It was in public and was fine. And I realise it might not always be but I do my best to safeguard myself as and when necessary to ensure my children get what they need.

OP posts:

BloominNora · 30/03/2026 14:32

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:09

I’ve been told their ‘support’ is more a way of gathering evidence against people. I know it will sound ridiculous and paranoid to others and the simple thing is ‘just go to the police’. No suggestion that starts with ‘just’ is ever simple in my book but, also, he works with lots of agencies including social services. He knows these systems and these people. He’s literally a pillar of the community

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This is absolutely not true - I work in children's services - not a social worker, but in a position that I see the whole system and a lot of children and families circumstances and have worked across a number of different LAs.

Children's services want to help families if they can - they want to do everything they can to prevent children from being put on a child protection plan or being taken into care - no matter what scare stories you have heard, they do not sit there gathering evidence against families who need help waiting for the ideal moment to pounce and remove your children.

You have done the right thing by telling the school. They can support you and as others have said, keep an eye on the children to see if they are showing any kind of reactions or change in behaviour.

Children do pick up more than you think and from what your son has said in response to the uniform, it sounds like while you may be being very careful about not saying negative things about his father, there is some manipulation going on from his end - that is such as weird thing to a child to say off their own bat - that is something that has been said to him and he is repeating.

It is highly unlikely you would meet thresholds for any services at the moment - possibly some early help or domestic abuse support depending on what your LA offers. It may be worth proactively contacting them to see if they have any support groups.

If your ex works with these agencies, he will full well know that children's services will not gather evidence or take children from you in your circumstances. He will also be fully aware that it is him that will be watched carefully should children's services be aware of the family - which is exactly why he has fed you that rubbish - it is to protect himself and his own reputation and to use as a way of controlling you further!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about - keep talking to the school and get that support.

Dogmum74 · 30/03/2026 14:28

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:24

Because I honestly don’t think this is what is best for my CHILDREN. When they’re older, they can know things and I can cut all ties with him and what they do is up to them and that’s fine, but right now, if my son is struggling with finding maths boring and switching off in school, me and his dad need to sit down and talk about what we can do about it to support him. This is when my feelings about my ex go to one side because my son is the priority.

My children and their needs will always come first and I won’t apologise for that. Communicating with their dad through an app might get the saxophone to school on the right day but I believe my children need more than their basic needs meeting. He is the WORST ex husband but that doesn’t make him a bad father to his children and they deserve two parents who can put their own needs to one side for the sake of them and their wellbeing and happienss. That’s being a good parent in my book.

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As someone who grew up with abuse I can guarantee you that you are not doing what is best for you or your children whatsoever. The children can see their Dad. Doesn’t mean you have to. And if you are not going to report the abuse he did and not do anything at all about it including letting him dictate where you live, then the abuse simply continues but in another format. It is still control. Would you advise your daughter to simply shut up and get on with it ‘for the sake of the kids’. We do not live in those times. It is also very telling that you say ‘the kids and their dad’ come first.

Abustedflush · 30/03/2026 14:26

Averynicelady · 30/03/2026 10:51

You sound ashamed, but you haven’t done anything shameful at all.

This is all on your ex. As Giselle Pelicot said, “it’s time for shame to change sides”.

I was going post exactly this. And @Itsfinallyspring you sound like a wonderful and emotionally intelligent mum to your children.

Original poster

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:24

Dogmum74 · 30/03/2026 14:14

Not only are you not being unreasonable but you also are not doing the right thing. You need to IMMEDIATELY disclose all abuse to the police. Everything. Every single thing you can remember. Get the report then take that to your solicitor. You were very foolish not to declare this when he went to court to prevent you from moving. NEVER meet him alone no matter where the public place. You have absolutely no need to do so. All contact through a parent app. You need to start documenting everything from here on in as well. Good luck

Because I honestly don’t think this is what is best for my CHILDREN. When they’re older, they can know things and I can cut all ties with him and what they do is up to them and that’s fine, but right now, if my son is struggling with finding maths boring and switching off in school, me and his dad need to sit down and talk about what we can do about it to support him. This is when my feelings about my ex go to one side because my son is the priority.

My children and their needs will always come first and I won’t apologise for that. Communicating with their dad through an app might get the saxophone to school on the right day but I believe my children need more than their basic needs meeting. He is the WORST ex husband but that doesn’t make him a bad father to his children and they deserve two parents who can put their own needs to one side for the sake of them and their wellbeing and happienss. That’s being a good parent in my book.

OP posts:

MinkJagger · 30/03/2026 14:21

I feel for you. A different situation but I went through a very rough time on multiple levels and shared more with work colleagues than I now think was wise. I regret it, but also accept (partly through therapy) that I was at a very low ebb, very emotional, and was seeking support - a very human thing to do. Your situation with your ex (not least putting on a brave face for the children) puts you under huge pressure and the strongest amongst us will crack at times. Reaching out for support is not weakness but strength, and if anyone at the school judges you for that it says more about them than you. Sending you warmest wishes for an improvement in your situation.

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 30/03/2026 14:21

he has told me on multiple occasions that social services will get involved. And they’ll take the kids off me.

OP, I used to get told this all the time. Once I plucked up my courage to mention it to my health visitor. She was really horrified that I'd believed him and said that it absolutely wouldn't happen except in very extreme circumstances, e.g. if I was a drug addict.

Dogmum74 · 30/03/2026 14:16

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 10:36

You’ve explained it so much better than I did. It was my ‘secret’. Some of my friends know bits of what I’ve experienced (and they are incredible friends, I literally would not be here for my children without them) but no one person knows everything. Now, the teacher I told, plus the safeguarding lead and both deputy safeguarding leads all know. So it’s gone from no one to four people overnight. I feel sick and can’t even look at them. My children are already two of only 7% of children on pupil premium at this school because of how he’s financially trapped me and now they know this too I just feel like my children are on their radar.

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I cannot fathom why you are worried about the school knowing and not about your highly abusive ex preventing you from getting a job. You really need to get your priorities sorted

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/03/2026 14:16

You feel exposed and I can completely understand that. Over the years I’ve had to tell the school different things and I’ve hated every bit of it. I do feel it changed when the kids go to secondary though. Yes if the children disclose any worries to pastoral then the Pandora’s box will reopen, but this spotlight is very much a primary school thing and that’s not forever.

Your ex sounds like a nasty, fucking twat though and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/03/2026 14:15

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:09

I’ve been told their ‘support’ is more a way of gathering evidence against people. I know it will sound ridiculous and paranoid to others and the simple thing is ‘just go to the police’. No suggestion that starts with ‘just’ is ever simple in my book but, also, he works with lots of agencies including social services. He knows these systems and these people. He’s literally a pillar of the community

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You've been misinformed I think. 'Gathering evidence" to what end. Your ex is just trying to scare you and it's working, don't give him the power.

Dogmum74 · 30/03/2026 14:14

Not only are you not being unreasonable but you also are not doing the right thing. You need to IMMEDIATELY disclose all abuse to the police. Everything. Every single thing you can remember. Get the report then take that to your solicitor. You were very foolish not to declare this when he went to court to prevent you from moving. NEVER meet him alone no matter where the public place. You have absolutely no need to do so. All contact through a parent app. You need to start documenting everything from here on in as well. Good luck

notwavingbutdrowning1 · 30/03/2026 14:12

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 13:49

“All the time I was with my ex, and even post-separation, I hid his abusive behaviour - partly because he told me no one would believe me - but yes, also because I felt it was my job to cope with it without bothering other people. And I worried about the children knowing if it was spoken about”

I could have written this. If I say nothing, the children know nothing and I can protect them.

“And even though it was bad, I thought it wasn't 'bad enough'. Even with the few people I did talk to (including my GP), I minimised it massively”

This is also me.

However, and the biggie - “the more we name the abuse, the less power it has over us and our children”. How do I name this without social services being involved? I desperately do not want them in the system. They already live in two homes and are ‘the poor kids’ (pupil premium) in a very middle class area. I don’t want anything else that could be detrimental. Statistically, the odds are already stacking against them for successful, healthy futures and I really don’t know what to do to tip the balance the positive way.

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OP, I think it's worth trying to rethink your attitude to the involvement of social services. They will not be judgemental, they will be supportive. And I think you need all the support you can get. I hope someone who works in social services can come on here and reassure you about what would happen if they did get involved.

Original poster

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:09

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/03/2026 14:06

Why so worried about social services though? They aren't going to take your children away. I don't think you'd even be on their radar but if they were involved they might be able to offer support.

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I’ve been told their ‘support’ is more a way of gathering evidence against people. I know it will sound ridiculous and paranoid to others and the simple thing is ‘just go to the police’. No suggestion that starts with ‘just’ is ever simple in my book but, also, he works with lots of agencies including social services. He knows these systems and these people. He’s literally a pillar of the community

OP posts:

Lomonald · 30/03/2026 14:08

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:05

The kids love going to his and are very happy to see him, hug him etc. They talk about him positively.

The deputy safeguarding lead did say that school were not concerned about the children at all but wanted to support me. I had to sit in the deputy head’s office with her while she looked at me nicely and said lovely things about my kids and I just cried. God I am so mortified

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Please don't be mortified re frame it as relief that it is out there, the teachers will be totally professional after the Easter break they will treat you the same.you did nothing wrong you are not "weak" and you didn't fail anybody.

cestlavielife · 30/03/2026 14:07

saying, ‘Daddy’s been so busy with work he hasn’t had chance to wash them all yet’

Oh that is a funny thing.
Here let me show you how to put things in the washing machine maybe you can ask daddy if you can help him next time at his house? You can show daddy how clever you are and how you can put your own hoodie in the machine

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/03/2026 14:06

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 13:49

“All the time I was with my ex, and even post-separation, I hid his abusive behaviour - partly because he told me no one would believe me - but yes, also because I felt it was my job to cope with it without bothering other people. And I worried about the children knowing if it was spoken about”

I could have written this. If I say nothing, the children know nothing and I can protect them.

“And even though it was bad, I thought it wasn't 'bad enough'. Even with the few people I did talk to (including my GP), I minimised it massively”

This is also me.

However, and the biggie - “the more we name the abuse, the less power it has over us and our children”. How do I name this without social services being involved? I desperately do not want them in the system. They already live in two homes and are ‘the poor kids’ (pupil premium) in a very middle class area. I don’t want anything else that could be detrimental. Statistically, the odds are already stacking against them for successful, healthy futures and I really don’t know what to do to tip the balance the positive way.

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Why so worried about social services though? They aren't going to take your children away. I don't think you'd even be on their radar but if they were involved they might be able to offer support.

Original poster

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:05

cestlavielife · 30/03/2026 14:01

"My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all."

So you need support and school should be aware.
But there does not seem to be anything to raise to ss in terms of dc since you say they are safe. Ars they happy to see him?

The kids love going to his and are very happy to see him, hug him etc. They talk about him positively.

The deputy safeguarding lead did say that school were not concerned about the children at all but wanted to support me. I had to sit in the deputy head’s office with her while she looked at me nicely and said lovely things about my kids and I just cried. God I am so mortified

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 30/03/2026 14:04

Why would dc be removed from you? Makes no sense. Ignore him.

Dc are happy.
For now seems fine.
Ex abuse/attempts to control you still are hard to deal with for sure. Keep getting support stay strong.

Lomonald · 30/03/2026 14:04

Yes, he has told me on multiple occasions that social services will get involved. And they’ll take the kids off me
He has dripped this in that it has stuck.

Lomonald · 30/03/2026 14:03

Your son says that because his dad feeds him that rubbish, daddy could throw some washing in mummy manages.

Original poster

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 14:01

cestlavielife · 30/03/2026 13:56

What are the issues between your ex and the dc now?
They have plenty contact so as judge decided all seems well and you say the abuse was only towards you?

So ss will not have concerns why would they?
You are protected now by being split up. Meeting in public etc.

I do get it and suffer from ex but there seems no case for ss to be involved right now.

You have told school so they are aware of the background and that is hugely important in case dc come to school from dad upset or quiet etc. And suppirt for you.
But right now there are no children concerns .
For now there is no reason your dc cannot thrive.
Unless their dad begins or is somehow abusing them directly.

No issues between kids and their dad, never has been, they adore him. They’re very protective of him and won’t hear a bad word about him. I don’t mean slagging him off, I wouldn’t dream of damaging them with things like that, I just mean things like when the kids say, ‘I can’t find a school hoodie’ and I might say, ‘they’re all at daddy’s, wear a jumper instead’, my son, particularly, will jump to his defence saying, ‘Daddy’s been so busy with work he hasn’t had chance to wash them all yet’ even though I hadn’t and would never ever ever say anything critical about him.

Yes, he has told me on multiple occasions that social services will get involved. And they’ll take the kids off me.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 30/03/2026 14:01

"My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all."

So you need support and school should be aware.
But there does not seem to be anything to raise to ss in terms of dc since you say they are safe. Ars they happy to see him?

cestlavielife · 30/03/2026 13:56

What are the issues between your ex and the dc now?
They have plenty contact so as judge decided all seems well and you say the abuse was only towards you?

So ss will not have concerns why would they?
You are protected now by being split up. Meeting in public etc.

I do get it and suffer from ex but there seems no case for ss to be involved right now.

You have told school so they are aware of the background and that is hugely important in case dc come to school from dad upset or quiet etc. And suppirt for you.
But right now there are no children concerns .
For now there is no reason your dc cannot thrive.
Unless their dad begins or is somehow abusing them directly.

Lomonald · 30/03/2026 13:55

Itsfinallyspring · 30/03/2026 13:51

I’ve put up and shut up for so many years because I don’t want my children in any sort of system on any sort of radar. And now I’ve told school and it’s on cpoms and I just feel like I’ve massively let them both down

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You don't have to though, has your ex said things about systems and radars, you and your children deserve peace you trying to be on good terms with him is eroding your mental health you also matter.