DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

I'd focus on giving him child care advice, his experience will be limited, and what's going to help him and the child the most and prevent things going sour, whether he and the mum split or don't, is him understanding both how to cope with the challenges that children present, and how to form an appropriate relationship - centering on trust, rather than 'love' and emotions, and building closeness and dependency slowly.

It's not about brains. The guy I knew who was in almost identical situation to the 18-year-old here was an extremely bright lad his mum, however, decided to split up the family unit when he was 11 as she was no longer satisfied in the marriage.
The husband was not abusive or unfaithful.

Unless there is actual abuse people really should think hard about the impact of depriving their sons of a full time dad before breaking up.
Girls do not tend to have such a negative outcome as boys.

Its You that need ,s to read it again the sons girlfriend is 21 and has a child about to turn 4 which would mean she got pregnant at 17 not 13 still far from ideal but not underage.

Well thats a massive generalisation and extremely judgemental of you.

This

It’s not something you can report to SS however.

You want to report the woman to social services for taking a train from Manchester to Edinburgh? With your 18 year old son? And your son had a child when he was 15? Your issue is that your son is in a relationship with someone a few years older who has a child? What else?

You said he was at college in your first post and now he's at school so he's not an adult because he's at school?

Introducing a child to a new boyfriend is a shit idea regardless of age. I’m judging away - shows piss poor safeguarding concerns. Leaving a child with him is also a shitty decision. I don’t care if he’s at school or university. He presents the biggest risk to the child right now as far as abuse goes. And let’s face it he doesn’t sound very equipped to take care of a child does he ?

I have been in the position of meeting a boyfriends child and playing happy families way too soon and then you break up and you never see them again. It’s a shit thing to do to a little kid.

You dont get to just choose your uni like that. "Oh I want to do a BSC in flower arranging at Kings".

Whilst I agree that your son and his girlfriend are rushing this relationship, especially when it comes to her 4 year old. Maliciously reporting to SS would be beyond wrong for so many reasons, main one being SS have bigger fish to fry than a mum who's introduced her new boyfriend way too early on, unless you have reason to believe your son poses a risk to this child, keep your beak out, obviously go ahead and report if your son is a dangerous person as then that's reason to contact SS but you've not said anything of the sort so I have to assume your sons just a regular person. Yanbu to disapprove internally but Yabvu to consider actioning it in any way.

I've actually known almost exactly the same situation in real life.
Only in this case the guy was an unambitious cocklodger wanting to move in with a woman who had a place to live.

So, because of this, I'm going to go against the grain and say him playing daddy may not be a noble thing.

Apart from watching her for a hair apt how is he ‘playing Daddy’?!
The little girl probably thinks no more or less of him than any other friend of her Mums, unless you mean the little girl is literally calling him Daddy instead of his given name and he is helping care for her rather than hanging out at their house/being around.
Glad you realise the social services comment was totally inappropriate, I’m sure the little girl is well looked after and hopefully her Mum has a supportive net work. I’m surprised you are being so judgy when it sounds like your other Son fathered a child as a teenager….
If he hasn’t stayed overnight yet and has to travel to see her not actually sure what they have done wrong, young Mums are allowed to have friends too.
Im not at all biased, didn’t have my first chid until I was 30 however if he hasn’t moved in, hasn’t stayed overnight and they aren’t really together every day I don’t know how he’s playing Daddy, he’s just her boyfriend.
Ideally he wouldn’t be at the stage of settling down with someone at the age of 18, but he’s right in that he’s brother fathered a child as a teenager and you’ve no right as an 18 year old to be telling him not to be with someone who is a single parent.

Read this again and OP - do you realise that in both stories, you blame the women? Your older son was somehow an innocent young boy at 15 when his girlfriend - living in care, about to age out, probably terrified and lonely - was the adult here? And your adult son now (18 is an adult, like it or not) is somehow being taken advantage of by another 18 year old. If you do the maths she got pregnant at 13 and possibly doesn’t have a lot of family support around either if she’s asking your son to babysit.

Your sons are just as responsible for these situations as these young girls. I think it’s fair enough to be concerned about your younger son, but it sounds bizarre when you shared the story of your older son as clearly you think very differently about responsibilities of men and women here.

Not introducing your children to a new boyfriend may be a good idea but it's not automatically going to ruin a child's life if their mother does otherwise. At this point trying to extricate him from the situation is going to do more harm than good.

Most children learn from an early age that treasured relationships don't always last. Friends move away. Relatives die. Mum splitting up with her boyfriend is just another part of that, a part of life that children can live with.

Id doubt it tbh.

He should go

But could go to the closest one. And/or could come back at weekends to see his child.

So you believe a 15yo girl should assume full responsibility (and is at fault) because a fellow 15yo, but a mere boy, can’t be arsed? Always a woman’s fault, eh!?

😂😂

If you went down the road from you, you'd probably be able to meet and even help lots of young parents. They exist.

At age 18 he is likely to get tired of looking after a small child when the novelty wears off, and will break up with her. I wouldn't fuss about it.

Of course yanbu. This is not a good situation. Who the hell would think that it is.

Unfortunately, it's just the next thing in a very predictable pattern here.
You say you're a single mum yourself.
Now please, please don't misunderstand me IF your ex was an abusive arsehole then of course you were right to split up the family OR he left you then OK you have my sympathy.

If, however, you were bored or vaguely unhappy and your ex was a decent enough guy with a few flaws then you don't.
You'd have disrupted your sons' lives when they really need a father constantly present.
You're just reaping what you've sown.
There's not much you can do.
He's probably going to get her pregnant.

I'm not going to reply to people that say this sort of thing happens in 'good' families too - of course it does but nowhere near at the same rate.

@GardeningMummy don’t be ridiculous. Why should the OP’s son not go to university to because he has a daughter?

Do you think I was judging him? Someone was confused I gave them the facts based on ops account. Op has also said she thinks he should come home more at weekends but she can’t make him though.

Do you think all information is in the OP?

I'd say that the OP probably can't fund the son through uni so he most likely works and attends uni. The work would hopefully be towards any CM he pays. The degree will get him a better job in time. It's not ideal but he may be doing what is best for his child in the long term. Paying CM and trying ti get better qualifications for more pay and more flexible work.

It doesn’t say so in the op?