DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

I think, in the circumstances you describe, you should prepare yourself for the distinct possibility of the arrival of another grandchild.

The son has contact with his dad

My first thought is these young men are keep to play dad because they don’t have their own father active in their lives, but I’m happy to be told I’m wrong.

Ok, well I still stand by what I said. Given the age and stage of life, it's unlikely they will stay together. What's the alternative? OP, you cannot force your 18 year old son to do anything and if you try, you risk pushing him away.

Blimey, OP. Put your own house in order before criticising someone else's!

I do. Girls fare better. It's not as detrimental to them. Boys, as a general rule, don't. Of course there are exceptions.
This is not even a judgement, nearly all the research agrees.
So my take is that UNLESS the father is abusive - in which case the boys ARE better off without him, obviously-is that it's better for the parents to stay together.
Don't shoot the messenger.

Yes you do. You can look at your nearest uni, find a course you fancy, and put that on your UCAS form.

Personally I would be speaking to him about how damaging this will be to her child. I wouldn't get in to any other discussions though

Yes I misread.Very sorry about that

So you have brought up two lousy men @PlumPuddingPonderer29 . The eldest 20 y old who doesn't see his 3 year old and the 18 year old who is so immature and neglectful that he lets a 4 year old play inappropriate video games when he's babysitting for a couple of hours. I would be so depressed if I had raised these "men".
Tbh my 12 year old ds would do a better job babysitting than your 18 year old- he would actively play with the child and put a children's cartoon on if tv at all. (I had a friend's 3 year old over and I asked if he wanted to help- I supervised obv but I was happy to see how responsable and mature he was).

I wouldn't report her to social services, that's really harsh unless you're suggesting your son is a danger to her? And as you say they won't do anything because she is the child's mum and can choose who she introduces to her child. Whilst it's not ideal to introduce someone to early, it's an opinion that three months is to early because there is no law on it - my friend did this and had a very long happy marriage whereas I wouldn't drem of it.
I would back off or you will just push him more towards her and given she has her own flat and he's increasing his time with her I don't think it will take a lot.

What is it with posters misreading what an OP says and judging them on mistaken information?? And it's never misjudging them positively?

The OP said the older son's girlfriend is "a few years older" than him, so if he was 15, then she was at least 17 and more likely 18 or 19 when her daughter was born.

On the actual subject here, I see the problem as being mainly about the risk to the small child of being abandoned by just one of possibly many future father figures - a child with multiple "uncles" throughout her childhood. The OP can't do much about that though, sadly.
@PlumPuddingPonderer29 I think the best you can do is remain supportive, but also point out (kindly) the problems with childcare that consists of playing videogames, and also remind him, as others have also said, that he needs to be aware that the child is getting attached to him. I'm not sure what he can do about that though - it's not as though the solution is to be cold and uncaring to her!

And if the relationship stays the distance, you won't have caused a fall-out with your son over it.💐

So basically - your eldest son was 15 when he had sex with a girl a few years older and has a kid but that's ok. But it's not OK that your other son has a gf who is a few years older and has a child that isn't your sons?

I think it's quite telling that the OP wanted to report to social services when the son, gf and child are going to Edinburgh to see her ex. The son hasn't stayed over at his gfs house yet but they'll be staying over with the dad? Is this what you are trying to prevent Op?

If she reported the girl to social services - basically for neglect or for introducing her child too quickly to her own son - she's effectively wanting to end the relationship - because I'm sure the girl would know who reported her

OP I can't see why after having your 15 year old get someone pregnant you would be concerned about your 18 year old being in a relationship with a young Mum with a DC of 4. The child will be at school soon. You might think it is soon for woman to introduce son to your DC but it's her choice not yours. She hasn't done anything to report her to SS about. You need to back off and leave your son's to sort their own relationships. If you want to see DGC more frequently nothing to stop you offering to babysit DGC sometimes.

I agree that it's not ideal and that the child's mother shouldn't be introducing who she's dating to her child so soon. But goodness, your attitude towards your golden child and your other son is a bit staggering. It's not his fault he had unprotected sex with his girlfriend and she got pregnant? And now he's 'doing his best for her' by furthering himself and rarely seeing his child, while his ex-girlfriend is a full time parent? Of course your other son having a child when he was a teenager is relevent. Can't you see how it has likely impacted your 18 year old's views? Whether, in the larger scheme of things, it's normal to have a child young or not, in his family, it is normal. It's also, unfortunately, normal to have something of an absent father.

Other than speaking to him about how a child is significantly more responsibility than he realises, and that you (well, generally the mother) give up your entire life, earning opportunities and career options when you become a parent, there isn't anything you can do. You can say you don't want the child in your house. That's it.

Yes OP’s other son had a child when he was 17. She’s mentioned that in the OP

And hardly sees his child

So you've got one son who's a dead beat dad, and another son who is trying to be a good step day, which is better scenario?

I agree this is all too much too young, but there is much you can do other than buy a lot of condoms, because a pregnancy is coming.

You said it, she’s a child! Even worse that you seem to hold her solely responsible. I’ll rephrase - ‘always a females fault, eh’

Her other DS does when he was 17. It's on the thread.

He’s not exactly “playing daddy”. He basically babysat.

Your other son actually did “play daddy” at 15, which is pretty shocking.

Yes I know.

I worded it badly.

Seems odd that the little boy wasn't looked after where he lives.

That's usual isn't it?

Perhaps the mother took him to Op's rather than Op's son?

Just musing really!

If my son was 18 trying to father someone else's child I would be concerned, too. Beyond having conversations around safe sex with him, it'd be a good idea to have a talk with him to highlight how careful he needs to be in forming a close bond with this child, and the kind of impact it could have on this 4yo child if he and his partner were to separate and he were just to leave. Maybe emphasise this is why you didn't introduce your new partners to him and his brothers, but in any case, that shop has already sailed.

I would also be wary that this woman is using him as childcare so she can go and do her own thing. I wouldn't dream of leaving my kids with a boyfriend of 3 months, but maybe that's just because I'm not 18. I think you have very valid concerns in this post but the way you presented it makes it read quite poorly. You've already explained youre not seeking advice regarding your other son, which sounds like a whole other matter, so I won't comment on that. You've also already stated you won't call SS, and I think everybody's glad because that would of been a very awful thing to do.

I think your best course of action here is to just be supportive. I know it isn't what you want, but going against them will just further drive a wedge between you and then you'll have no influence at all. If you're trying to prioritise what is best for this 4 year old, which you should be, you should facilitate the relationship between your son and his gf. Again, highlight the dangers of getting too close to the child in the event of the relationship ending. But other than that he is a legal adult and there is nothing else you can do. If their relationship does come to an end, it will no longer be your concern what happens to that child / any impact your son has had on him.

That being said, you seem quite adamant that this relationship will end. It might, it might not. If it doesn't, and you support them in their relationship, you'll be setting them up the best you can to be good parents to this little boy.

Careful not to overstep any boundaries in such a delicate situation. Try and remain positive, though I know it hard. Be supportive and let them know youre there (without being mistaken for a free babysitter), without being overinvolved. I know youre concerned about your son in all of this but just to reiterate he is a legal adult and there is nothing else you can do.

I hope it all works out!