DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

You're being very judgy OP and you are not really in a position to be; everything in this story is an absolutely hot mess.

All I can suggest is that you offer as much possible support to your sons as you can to help them to understand their obligations. Tell your son(s) being involved in a child's life is a massive commitment and being a father figure means he'll have to behave in a very responsible way if this relationship ends.

Why? You can look it up yourself. I will, however, say that it doesn't include people being BORED with each other or no longer 'in love'. So what? Stick it out till the children are adults themselves.

Then split.
People can do what they want but there are always consequences to those actions.

The op other son had a child at 17

@PlumPuddingPonderer29 I mean its just the case of birds of a feather flock together and pot kettle black isn't it?!

Your first son was having unprotected sex with an older woman when he was very young which resulted in a child.
Now your younger son is with an older woman who already has a child and could potentially having unprotected sex.

Not really sure on the different situation.
I think its a bit much to say your older son is at uni to better his daughters life but that he doesnt come home and see her at weekends? Thats a big disconnect there. Hes choosing to not see his child.

As for your younger son, there isnt really at lot you can do. The little lad now knows your son, so damage is already done.

The time to stop this from happening would have been when they were both younger 🤷‍♀️ prevention is better than cure

I get your concern but at 18 he is an adult albeit an immature one which most of them are at that age. I think you need to let him get on with it because whatever you say will not make a difference. At his age I doubt it will last long anyway!

And the Op agrees now .

Teenagers mess up. It was ever thus. None of the young people you mention here are the first and they won't be the last. What you are looking for here is advice about the situation you find yourself in.
I would be worried too if I had a son of 18 so closely involved with a young woman of 21 that he is babysitting her child and bringing him around to your home. First relationships often don't last and this is an important time in your son's life leading up to exams which decide the next steps in his future and if this young woman doesn't have much support it's easy to see how he could start taking a step parent type role he isn't mature enough to handle.
Yes his brother was already a father at this age but from what you say you can see that he struggles with the role of father, has moved on to university and doesn't see his child much. And being a step parent is even more complicated than being a parent and you have already been down the route of trying to support a young family member with a child.
I would be worried too op. So what can you do about it? Practically not much.
Do you remember being 18 and knowing everything? Hormones raging? The only important thing the sex in a new relationship. And, and this is important, the more your parent tried to tell you something :for your own good' the more you resisted and went in the opposite direction?
If you back off a bit the relationship might take a fairly common course and eventually fizzle out and you will be there to pick up the pieces.
Don't say too many negative things about the relationship
Never say anything negative about the girl.
Later he may begin to have second thoughts and have no idea how to extract himself from the relationship. Don't say ' told you so' Listen to him and help him find kind ways to move on if this happens.
You situation is complicated because he feels there is some 'normality' in his situation because his older brother had a child at a young age. This suits his reasoning at this time but deep down he probably sees that his brothers situation isn't ideal and that his own isn:t really ideal either.
Thank goodness you could see straight away that involving social services wasn't an option. As you said, you weren't thinking straight and just wanted someone to take this situation away from you. That would be the way to push your son further into a relationship with this young woman and alienate him for ever.
If the child:s father isn't on the scene this young woman may be desperate for company and support. It could be that which is driving her relationship with your son or they could be very attached to each other. If she breaks off with him he is likely to be very hurt in this first relationship. You will probably be very relieved if this happens but if it does watch what you say. Just be supportive. Remember that young people sometimes get back together again so you don't want to say anything which might alienate the girl or him.
I would be hoping it just fizzled out op. It may or it may not. If it's for real then you may need a whole lot of different advice going forward 💐

Doesn't deserve being reported to social services

Do these agenda driven responses help anyone?

Op is blaming women because - one woman has left her 4 year old child with a man she knows for 3 months so she can do her hair. I think that woman deserves criticism even if she is a woman.

About older son, he was 16 and mother of his child was older woman. If the genders were reverse, people will call older person involved with a 16 year old girl a groomer.

He's not a stepdad. They aren't married

No real surprises that DS thinks he can handle being a stepdad when his older brother became a "father" at 17.

DS pretty naiive to think he can take on the role of stepdad with his limited life experience and uni ambitions - both of which are full time commitments. DS gf also naiive to opt for a partner who will have extremely limited funds and fluctuating availability. She would as well be better choosing a partner with an aprenticeship or steady job.

Either the relationship won't last or DS will drop out of uni, find some basic paying job and shack up with gf.

I don’t think there is a lot you can do, your DC don’t seem to have a particularly strong track record of taking your advice. Other than keeping good communication channels open with them.

When I met my now husband, he was 19 and a trainee in his job. I was a few years older with a 4 year old. His parents hated me - they never said as much but I knew. I didn’t introduce DH to my child for about 6 months, and definitely didn’t leave him to babysit, but he’s a wonderful step dad to her (she doesn’t see her own dad). 7 years into our relationship we had our own child too. It was a bit rocky at first whilst we found our feet, but we are extremely happy and in a great marriage.

Just trust your son to make the right decisions for him. And don’t judge her too hard. Lift her up, encourage her to be the best version of herself for your son and future grandchildren

Op surely the only and best thing you can do is make sure your ds acts appropriately around the child eg the video games he was playing.
Talk to him about connections and bonding etc and maybe even some child care early years books

Double measures, eh?
Stay out of it.

Have you met the girlfriend? Is she nice? You would be completely unreasonable reporting her to social services just because you think your son shouldn't be involved with her. Shame on you!

I do understand your concerns as the relationship is moving quickly. However your son seems to care for girlfriend and child and if he wants to introduce her to his dad it must be serious. Maybe he wants to be a father figure to this child being abused he's seen what an awful mess your first son has made and the fact he has nothing to do with his child. Perhaps your second son wants to be better.

Can you get to know the girlfriend? If you are openly hostile to this relationship you risk pushing your son away. From what he's said about his brother he obviously feels you are treating him very unfairly and I think you are if you criticize him wanting to be a father figure yet your first son manages to avoid any responsibility for his own child.

He could get a girl without a child pregnant just as easily

I never said anyone should be wished away. Hth

There's not much to do except hope that your son has enough judgement to navigate this relationship by himself.

I agree that you seem to have much more forgiveness and understanding for your older son's situation than for your younger son's girlfriend, even though their circumstances presumably were pretty similar, namely "reckless teenager becomes a parent".

I think it's understandable you don't want history repeating itself, but there's not really much you can do, unfortunately. Maybe on some level your younger son is trying to compensate for his brother not seeing his own child? Regardless, all you can do is make it very clear to him that having a child now would not be a good idea. Then hope he meets someone else at university.

Where did she say it was ok? Stop making things up. She has a grandchild now so wishing her away would be cruel.

She said it’s not ok that her son and his gf have already placed him into a little boys life so soon when anything could happen. Op wants advice on that.

Sorry op but it’s one of those things you need to leave and see what happens. She’s a young mum. I can see why she’s probably very happy to have someone in her and her sons life.

Define abusive

It’s not an ideal situation for the child and I judge his mother for letting your ds into the relationship so soon

but it’s his responsibility to work this out. Unless the child is at risk of harm, and it sounds very much not the case, you can’t get social services involved!

I don't think so, with the exception of the girlfriend and child visiting the property.

Parents of all ages adjust their study plans to accommodate their children, and to ensure they can still work to support them. Everything from deferring, studying part time, changing their course, changing their planned uni. Entirely normal behaviour for committed parents, and one of the reasons why we don’t generally think it desirable to have children whilst still a child yourself.

How many young mums are carrying on with their plans as normal?