Page 3 | DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 2026-03-29T22:03:36+00:00

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels. In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4. He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months. I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue. DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu Happy to answer any questions

U53rName · 30/03/2026 13:37

I’m looking at an account of 4 young people who have made poor life choices which affect their long-term outcomes in life. Really sad, TBH.

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 13:35

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 13:03

I'm not judging her for being a young mum. And no DS being a dad at 15 isn't “ok” the mum was 18 nearly 19 and he was coerced into having sex with her but even though it's not ok and I obviously wasn't pleased even without knowing that he was coerced I can't exactly go back and stop it when I didn't have a clue.
And it isn't ok he doesn't come to visit her more but how to posters judging me propose I do that? I suspect the trauma of being coerced has somewhat affected their bond otherwise he probably wouldn't have told me. But he refused to report it or have counselling. He admitted that he only started dating her when she found out she was pregnant because he ‘thought it was the right thing’ they were together for over 2 years until DS ended the relationship. im not denying the mum was vulnerable with her having been in care but ds was vulnerable too. It’s nothing to do with how a raised him. There’s nothing different i could’ve done

I didn't split with their dad for “no reason” and I always tried to keep their relationship going but then he moved to Scotland and didn't see the boys as much it was always them going to him during half terms and holidays. There were very few occasions he came here. Yes it probably did affect eldest especially and he was off the rails somewhat at 15. Youngest hated going with his brother to visit their dad as he felt pushed out as eldest and their dad had more in common like football etc whereas youngest does like football but not as much

Throughout ds’s teen years he didn't have friends as he didn't really fit in and kept himself to himself. He's now at a sixth form college and still doesn't have loads of friends as in he doesn't go out with friends ever. Before he started dating his gf the only time he went out was for school and to the shops etc. He didn't have a social life but he didn't seem upset by it.

This is his first relationship and it just feels intense, there's no rush to introduce the child and gf to his dad and of course he would want to but he could wait until his dad comes here instead of taking a young child all that way somewhere unfamiliar meeting someone unfamiliar especially when the child suffers from travel sickness . Coupled with the fact he barely left the house previously and of course I'm happy he found someone but i don't know,,

He has an unconditional offer at a uni further away but also an offer at the Manchester uni, but he's now saying he wants to take a gap year or go to the local uni and while it is a good uni I can't help but worry it's because of the gf. The other uni is York so not exactly super far either. His attendance has slipped at sixth form too, and I worry it will affect his grades

I've also said multiple times I'm not going to report to SS, it was just a comment. Doesn't mean I'm going to do it, the judgement on this website…

Perhaps you are getting pushback because you typed that you felt like calling social services presumably to break up your sons relationship. As for your other son it sounds like an awful situation but they were in a relationship for two years and then he went away to uni and rarely sees his child?

Labelledelune · 30/03/2026 13:34

Report her for what. That could end up having severe consequences as Social Workers are a nightmare. I agree with you that it’s not ideal but it’s really not your problem to be interfering with.

TulipsAndPancakes · 30/03/2026 13:27

Maybe be proud you have a son whose happy to look after a young child he didn't make?

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 13:21

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 12:44

So you think that a man who loves excitement (which means that he's probably not going to enjoy the repetition of early years childcare) and extremely good-looking and young is good stepfather material to a small child?
Words fail me.
Seriously.

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So according to you they've all to be boring older and average looking to be stepfather material?

Netcurtainnelly · 30/03/2026 13:10

Keep your nose out I would.

Original poster

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 13:03

I'm not judging her for being a young mum. And no DS being a dad at 15 isn't “ok” the mum was 18 nearly 19 and he was coerced into having sex with her but even though it's not ok and I obviously wasn't pleased even without knowing that he was coerced I can't exactly go back and stop it when I didn't have a clue.
And it isn't ok he doesn't come to visit her more but how to posters judging me propose I do that? I suspect the trauma of being coerced has somewhat affected their bond otherwise he probably wouldn't have told me. But he refused to report it or have counselling. He admitted that he only started dating her when she found out she was pregnant because he ‘thought it was the right thing’ they were together for over 2 years until DS ended the relationship. im not denying the mum was vulnerable with her having been in care but ds was vulnerable too. It’s nothing to do with how a raised him. There’s nothing different i could’ve done

I didn't split with their dad for “no reason” and I always tried to keep their relationship going but then he moved to Scotland and didn't see the boys as much it was always them going to him during half terms and holidays. There were very few occasions he came here. Yes it probably did affect eldest especially and he was off the rails somewhat at 15. Youngest hated going with his brother to visit their dad as he felt pushed out as eldest and their dad had more in common like football etc whereas youngest does like football but not as much

Throughout ds’s teen years he didn't have friends as he didn't really fit in and kept himself to himself. He's now at a sixth form college and still doesn't have loads of friends as in he doesn't go out with friends ever. Before he started dating his gf the only time he went out was for school and to the shops etc. He didn't have a social life but he didn't seem upset by it.

This is his first relationship and it just feels intense, there's no rush to introduce the child and gf to his dad and of course he would want to but he could wait until his dad comes here instead of taking a young child all that way somewhere unfamiliar meeting someone unfamiliar especially when the child suffers from travel sickness . Coupled with the fact he barely left the house previously and of course I'm happy he found someone but i don't know,,

He has an unconditional offer at a uni further away but also an offer at the Manchester uni, but he's now saying he wants to take a gap year or go to the local uni and while it is a good uni I can't help but worry it's because of the gf. The other uni is York so not exactly super far either. His attendance has slipped at sixth form too, and I worry it will affect his grades

I've also said multiple times I'm not going to report to SS, it was just a comment. Doesn't mean I'm going to do it, the judgement on this website…

OP posts:

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 12:44

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 12:37

What a strange take

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So you think that a man who loves excitement (which means that he's probably not going to enjoy the repetition of early years childcare) and extremely good-looking and young is good stepfather material to a small child?
Words fail me.
Seriously.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 30/03/2026 12:40

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 12:35

Parent who hardly sees his child

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Because he's at uni trying to make a better life for them. Just like thousands of women leave their children in developing countries to earn money to support their social mobility in the future. You think all those women are terrible parents too? Make sure you tell that to many of the NHS nurses the next time you're admitted to hospital. Tell the international nurses that any of you who are working here with your kids back home are shit parents.

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 12:37

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 12:35

Oh please don't be silly.
What man who isn't a bit boring wants to stay at home with children?
Ffs.
Surely it's better that he's safe and dependable.
And if he's exciting and really, really good-looking and young he's not going to want to do sit at home with kids.

This is just common sense.

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What a strange take

ThisHazelPombear · 30/03/2026 12:36

He is an adult at 18 regardless if how you see him

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 12:36

I personally don't think one instance of babysitting is playing daddy.

diddl · 30/03/2026 12:35

How many young mums are carrying on with their plans as normal?

Well that is the thing isn't it-you can't force a boy/man to be a father to his child.

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 12:35

ByBreezyUser · 30/03/2026 11:02

Yes. Because its well known that women who have kids will have to settle for older boring and not so nice looking men - because that's all they can get. Because they have a child

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Oh please don't be silly.
What man who isn't a bit boring wants to stay at home with children?
Ffs.
Surely it's better that he's safe and dependable.
And if he's exciting and really, really good-looking and young he's not going to want to do sit at home with kids.

This is just common sense.

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 12:35

GlovedhandsCecilia · 30/03/2026 12:30

Maybe the uni he could afford to go and what would accept him on the course he can reasonably succeed at is there. 3 years of that to have a better paying job with prospects is worth it and if anything, it speaks well of a parent. Not the opposite. Nit every uni has every course and will accept every student on said course.

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Parent who hardly sees his child

GlovedhandsCecilia · 30/03/2026 12:30

Clonakilla · 30/03/2026 09:49

Parents of all ages adjust their study plans to accommodate their children, and to ensure they can still work to support them. Everything from deferring, studying part time, changing their course, changing their planned uni. Entirely normal behaviour for committed parents, and one of the reasons why we don’t generally think it desirable to have children whilst still a child yourself.

How many young mums are carrying on with their plans as normal?

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Maybe the uni he could afford to go and what would accept him on the course he can reasonably succeed at is there. 3 years of that to have a better paying job with prospects is worth it and if anything, it speaks well of a parent. Not the opposite. Nit every uni has every course and will accept every student on said course.

Sosaidkaye · 30/03/2026 12:14

Maybe the reason he wants to “play dad” is in part because seeing his older brother become a teen dad has sort of normalised it for him. Maybe he disagrees with the way his brother has handled that situation and that has influenced his own behaviour.
Anyway, as hard as it is my advice would be to stay out of it but set boundaries like he can’t bring the kid to your house. I know you’re worried they will have a kid together but there isn’t much you can do there. If you leave it, I bet he will get tired of the whole set up very quickly. She shouldn’t be leaving her ds with someone she only knows for so long but the good thing about that is the reality of it will hit your son quite soon.
Let it burn itself out.
I remember my parents going mental because my younger sister started dating her friend’s dad. She was eighteen so nothing they could do. I told them just don’t give her the reaction and it will soon fizzle out and it did.
If you try tell him what to do it’ll just add fuel to the fire. No eighteen year old is going to want to deal with the reality being responsible for a small kid if they don’t have to.

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 12:08

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 11:23

Research says otherwise.

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Well having taught for 23 years I have encountered more well adjusted happy children from separated, consistent happy homes, and more children with self esteem issues, confidence issues, attendance issues being raised in a household with arguments and an unhappy atmosphere....these are the children that dont want to go home

canisquaeso · 30/03/2026 11:56

ByBreezyUser · 30/03/2026 11:33

Well it seems very odd that she wanted to ring social services when her other son sees his kid during uni holidays

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I completely agree.

I think OP is just a good example of sexism and the double standards that young mothers face, no one is ever trying to hold young fathers to the same standards.

Springspringspringagain · 30/03/2026 11:49

ByBreezyUser · 30/03/2026 11:04

Because single women with kids won't attract a good looking guy

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What a funny thing to say? I'm a lone parent, my partner's quite handsome. I don't think it works like that.

What it does work like is that single or lone women often end up attracting the wrong type of men, nothing to do with looks. They are sometimes emotionally and economically vulnerable and this can lead to risks to the children, I've seen that happen many times and why I would strongly encourage all single mums not to move in their partner or have them in sole charge of the kids for years, not months.

Anyway, that ship has sailed here, OP, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Support your son with his studies, his friendships and provide a steady base so he can make the best decisions about his relationships possible. It may be his future lies with this woman and her child, it may not, but by being constant, not judgy, and always somewhere he can talk and come back to, he will be better able to make good choices for himself.

I know someone who met his partner when he was 20 and she was 40 with two children; his parents absolutely hated her and blamed her for taking away his chance to have children. When I met them, 20 years later, they were happy, in love and very stable, and he'd loved bringing up those children in their family. It was right for him.

Not judging and keeping the lines of communication open will help him far more than giving him advice which, to be frank, you are in no position to give.

MyEasterBonnet · 30/03/2026 11:45

SS wouldn’t do anything as there’s nothing to do, you’d be wasting their time purposely because you don’t like your son’s behaviour. I agree with you that he’s being foolish though.

Katemax82 · 30/03/2026 11:44

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 00:00

As I've said twice now I know it's unreasonable to be thinking of social services and I won't... I wasn't even going to before I posted I just thought about it for a small second

And again with regards to my eldest being a dad it's a totally different situation, he does see her but not often as he's away at uni and doesn't come home for weekends but when he's home for holidays he does see her as much as her mum allows. It's not relevant to this post at all I only added it because youngest DS said that we'll he's old enough to be a dad. Wish I hadn't now as I'm being piled on by posters who don't know the situation AT ALL and I don't need their advice about that. It's not ehybim posting

I imagine if it was an 18yo girl playing mummy to her new bfs 4yo the replies would be veryyy different

And no ones offered any actual advice apart from “stay out of it” when it's under my roof he's brought him here (which I didn't know about until after when I got home and saw them)

Edited

When I was 19 I was playing mummy to my husband's 7 year old....God I wish I'd not done!

ByBreezyUser · 30/03/2026 11:33

canisquaeso · 30/03/2026 11:18

I get that, which is why i was highlighting she’s out here pointing fingers when maybe she should be looking at her son and his parenting choices. Which are essentially… not parenting.

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Well it seems very odd that she wanted to ring social services when her other son sees his kid during uni holidays

zingally · 30/03/2026 11:24

canisquaeso · 30/03/2026 11:18

I get that, which is why i was highlighting she’s out here pointing fingers when maybe she should be looking at her son and his parenting choices. Which are essentially… not parenting.

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Completely agree.

I'm flabbergasted that he's "away" at uni, presumably living the full student experience, when he's got a young daughter at home.
He should be living locally, working, perhaps doing some uni part time, contributing towards, and seeing his child regularly.

This thread is, I think, a prime example of "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones."

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 11:23

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 11:01

You are wholly wrong.
Children whose parents separate and co parent amicably and consistently do far better then children growing up in a household with rowing/atmosphere/no love/parents not sharing the load/absent parenting/abuse etc you know, the people who "stay for the children" 🙄

Children need to feel safe and feel loved. They dont feel these things in a home where their primary care givers despise each other.

Children with two happy separated parents do better

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Research says otherwise.