Page 2 | DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 2026-03-29T22:03:36+00:00

My youngest is 18, he turned 18 in September sostill in college doing his A levels. In November he announced he had a gf, she was 20, she's now 21 and had a 3, now 4 year old. The child's dad isn't involved apparently. I wasn't pleased at all especially as this is his first relationship and he doesn't seem mature enough to play daddy to someone else’s child and I don't think it's appropriate he's involved with the child already as the poor child will be so confused if he just vanishes esp if bio dad isn't involved already. I personally split with his (and his brother's) dad when they were 11 and 12 and I have had relationships but not introduced them and they are older than 3/4. He goes to her flat a lot (hasn't stayed overnight yet though) and back in Feb when it was half term, the child had been sick the day before but was better but still couldn't go to nursery because of the 48hr rule and I think she had a hair appointment or something so ds had him in our house and spent the time playing videogames (WWE so not exactly appropriate around a just turned 4yo). They'd only been together for 3 months. I have spoken to him about making sure he uses protection and he rolled his eyes and said that's none of my business. He said his brother became a dad abut 3 weeks before he turned 17 and I didn't say he was too young but granddaughter is his daughter not anyone else’s so he's always going to be in her life even though he isn't with her mum anymore but it won't be the case for ds. I still do think he is too young as he's now in his first year of uni, granddaughter is 3 and he hardly sees her and doesn't make the effort at weekends but that'a another issue. DS is now saying he plans on going on the train to Edinburgh (we're in Manchester ) to introduce his dad to his gf and the child at some point during the Easter holidays (he breaks up on Thursday) and that's just totally inappropriate to me I don't know what to do. I'm in 2 minds whether to report the gf to social services but they won't do anything and the I know that's bu Happy to answer any questions

Sassylovesbooks · 30/03/2026 19:34

I would be concerned in your shoes OP. You have one son who already has a daughter, that he doesn't see a huge amount of, due to being away at university, you don't want your youngest in the same boat. Your son's girlfriend is 20, and is responsible for a little boy, yet she shows poor judgement. At this point, her son shouldn't have even met your son, let alone being left with him, so she can attend an appointment.

I doubt your son is mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has a child. However, he's in a relationship with her, and as it currently stands, you can't do anything about it. He knows you disapprove, and the more you show your disapproval, the more you will drive him towards her. You need to back-off. Tell him, that it's his choice, and although you don't approve, you respect that it's his decision. Tell him, that you're there for him, if he needs you, no matter what it might be.

I suspect the novelty of having a girlfriend with a child, will quickly lose it's appeal. Or she'll realise how immature he is (like most average 18 year old lads) and drop him.

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 19:16

Allotmentblackfly · 30/03/2026 18:58

Hello
you have two lads who have very significant responsibilities at a young age. The oldest has no choice but the youngest has. There is very little sympathy for men who are pressured to have sex with a woman a few years older and I think your oldest deserves much sympathy. Hats off to him for going to uni and not giving up. Hats off to you for hanging in there. The oldest will likely have set some kind of template for the youngest - even if it’s unconscious. All is not lost for your youngest. Keep lines of communication open. Point out to him that he should be careful to guard his heart especially wrt the child - if there is a split he will lose the child as well as the girl. Of course it’s no good for the child either!!!! But your child is your priority. Encourage him in his studies. Love him. Don’t let your fear overcome you. Have faith. Encourage him to be kind and a good man. Wobbles now don’t mean all is lost. Parenting is a very long haul

I don't agree. The younger son has been in a relationship for four months. He doesn't have significant responsibilities - the mother of the child does. He's looked after the child once for three hours. How is that having responsibilities?

The older son isn't stepping up to his responsibilities - he sees his daughter during the holidays - summer probably.

Hwyheyhwllohwllo · 30/03/2026 19:05

YABU

Just because she had a child young doesn't mean she will have another anytime soon. I had my first young and I haven't had another. I'm early 30s now.

Allotmentblackfly · 30/03/2026 18:58

Hello
you have two lads who have very significant responsibilities at a young age. The oldest has no choice but the youngest has. There is very little sympathy for men who are pressured to have sex with a woman a few years older and I think your oldest deserves much sympathy. Hats off to him for going to uni and not giving up. Hats off to you for hanging in there. The oldest will likely have set some kind of template for the youngest - even if it’s unconscious. All is not lost for your youngest. Keep lines of communication open. Point out to him that he should be careful to guard his heart especially wrt the child - if there is a split he will lose the child as well as the girl. Of course it’s no good for the child either!!!! But your child is your priority. Encourage him in his studies. Love him. Don’t let your fear overcome you. Have faith. Encourage him to be kind and a good man. Wobbles now don’t mean all is lost. Parenting is a very long haul

Tacohill · 30/03/2026 18:35

Unsure how the judgemental perfect posters expect me to force him to come home as that’s what it seems like posters want but how. I literally can’t.

I think the judgement from PPs comes from the fact that you are judging this young mum on her choices and how it impacts your son but you have a child who has a child himself and barely bothers with it.

This young woman is taking care of her child every day, yet you seem to somehow think she is worse than your other son who barely sees his own child.

If my DD started dating your other son I would be devastated, just like you are with your son at home dating this woman.

Its ok to be concerned about your son but not if it means judging someone when your own child is worse than them.

It’s like judging someone for enjoying a few drinks on a weekend when you’ve got a child who’s an alcoholic.
Don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house.

That being said I understand your concern, however unless you choose to stop paying for your son, then there is literally nothing you can do about this relationship and anything that you do do to try and split them up will actually have the opposite effect.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 18:35

DontKnowHowToLoveYouMore · 30/03/2026 18:23

What? He’s about to take his A levels.

Some of the responses on this thread are wild, like be proud, give him childcare advice, it’s none of OPs business and now kick him out…..what is going on on this thread? 🫨🤪

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Really it's his life he is an adult, the fact he is about to take his A'levels doesn't change that. In a perfect world the OP wouldn't interfere, because it is not her business, yet the OP wants to get her son's GF in trouble with social services so she can continue to try and control her DS's life. She should leave him alone but feels she can't, to the extent she is going to lie to the authorities in order to get her way- but you think asking him to leave instead is an extreme outcome??

DontKnowHowToLoveYouMore · 30/03/2026 18:23

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 17:44

Trying to ruin your DS's GF's life is not going to stop him making mistakes, and frankly isn't fair.
I take it DS still lives at home, concentrate on what you are in control of and say you think he is making a mistake and it is upsetting you to watch it a a slow motion car crash, so you would like him to leave.
You can't stay in control of his life by having him live with you- so I think it would be better all around if he didn't

What? He’s about to take his A levels.

Some of the responses on this thread are wild, like be proud, give him childcare advice, it’s none of OPs business and now kick him out…..what is going on on this thread? 🫨🤪

Original poster

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 18:05

I don't plan on kicking my son our when hes about to sit his A levels in a few months

As for my eldest, it’s not relevant but yes he does work part time in a bar. He’s not on shift every weekend so could come on the saturday until sunday afternoon if hes had a shift on the friday but he often says hes tired and his daughter doesn’t miss him anyway. Unsure how the judgemental perfect posters expect me to force him to come home as that’s what it seems like posters want but how. I literally can’t.

OP posts:

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 30/03/2026 18:01

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 16:33

Im sorry but theres lots you could have done when your lads were younger which meant they had boundaries and valued their education so didnt choose unprotected sex and "serious" relationships over concentrating on school/uni and just having fun with their friends and relationships with people their own age with safe sex to avoid anything tying them down.

The only reason people are coming at you like this is becsuse you suggested reporting this young mum to SS and seem.so bothered about what your son is wrapped up in but its a little bit of "acting after the horse has bolted" so to speak.

If he had his head screwed on he would know that now is not that time for embarking on a serious relationship with a young mum and toddler.

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Perfect parent alert.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 17:44

Trying to ruin your DS's GF's life is not going to stop him making mistakes, and frankly isn't fair.
I take it DS still lives at home, concentrate on what you are in control of and say you think he is making a mistake and it is upsetting you to watch it a a slow motion car crash, so you would like him to leave.
You can't stay in control of his life by having him live with you- so I think it would be better all around if he didn't

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 17:23

GlovedhandsCecilia · 30/03/2026 17:07

Very unlikely that the OP fully funds her son through uni. What do you think he might have to do on weekends if he goes to uni and lives away from home? Even more so if he pays CM?

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Do you think that's worth missing that time away from your child? Lots of students get student loans and a contribution from parents - not every student works. Even away from home because part time jobs aren't always easy to come by

Catcatcatcatcat · 30/03/2026 17:12

None of your business

GlovedhandsCecilia · 30/03/2026 17:07

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 16:38

But doesnt go to see the child at weekends??

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Very unlikely that the OP fully funds her son through uni. What do you think he might have to do on weekends if he goes to uni and lives away from home? Even more so if he pays CM?

Original poster

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 17:03

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 16:33

Im sorry but theres lots you could have done when your lads were younger which meant they had boundaries and valued their education so didnt choose unprotected sex and "serious" relationships over concentrating on school/uni and just having fun with their friends and relationships with people their own age with safe sex to avoid anything tying them down.

The only reason people are coming at you like this is becsuse you suggested reporting this young mum to SS and seem.so bothered about what your son is wrapped up in but its a little bit of "acting after the horse has bolted" so to speak.

If he had his head screwed on he would know that now is not that time for embarking on a serious relationship with a young mum and toddler.

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That’s a lot of judgement there. They did have boundaries and I always made sure they knew education was important and generally they did value it. Eldest went through a phase where he was getting into trouble at school but I gave consequences and he did well in his GCSEs and A levels (2 A* and an A) and youngest is predicted good A level results too but I worry he just won’t try now hes somewhat distracted with a gf. If it were a gf his age and no child involved then fine as she’d likely to be also working hard on A levels aswell and they likely wouldn’t see eachother as much during the revision/exam period naturally

OP posts:

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 16:38

GlovedhandsCecilia · 30/03/2026 12:40

Because he's at uni trying to make a better life for them. Just like thousands of women leave their children in developing countries to earn money to support their social mobility in the future. You think all those women are terrible parents too? Make sure you tell that to many of the NHS nurses the next time you're admitted to hospital. Tell the international nurses that any of you who are working here with your kids back home are shit parents.

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But doesnt go to see the child at weekends??

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 16:34

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 15:32

No, i just think it’s too intense for a first relationship. Especially for an 18yo who doesn’t have much life experience probably compared to others his age who socialise with friends and may be more independent atleast semi independent. It highlights that with how he wants to travel so soon just 4 months into a relationship that he’s eager to travel to scotland to see his dad to introduce them when there’s no rush really and he could wait until he comes to visit himself or until they’ve been together linger. It’s not like he and his dad are close that he wants to involve him in these things as they aren’t

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Sounds like he has attachment issues himself and looking for someone/something to love/nurture

OneShyQuail · 30/03/2026 16:33

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 13:03

I'm not judging her for being a young mum. And no DS being a dad at 15 isn't “ok” the mum was 18 nearly 19 and he was coerced into having sex with her but even though it's not ok and I obviously wasn't pleased even without knowing that he was coerced I can't exactly go back and stop it when I didn't have a clue.
And it isn't ok he doesn't come to visit her more but how to posters judging me propose I do that? I suspect the trauma of being coerced has somewhat affected their bond otherwise he probably wouldn't have told me. But he refused to report it or have counselling. He admitted that he only started dating her when she found out she was pregnant because he ‘thought it was the right thing’ they were together for over 2 years until DS ended the relationship. im not denying the mum was vulnerable with her having been in care but ds was vulnerable too. It’s nothing to do with how a raised him. There’s nothing different i could’ve done

I didn't split with their dad for “no reason” and I always tried to keep their relationship going but then he moved to Scotland and didn't see the boys as much it was always them going to him during half terms and holidays. There were very few occasions he came here. Yes it probably did affect eldest especially and he was off the rails somewhat at 15. Youngest hated going with his brother to visit their dad as he felt pushed out as eldest and their dad had more in common like football etc whereas youngest does like football but not as much

Throughout ds’s teen years he didn't have friends as he didn't really fit in and kept himself to himself. He's now at a sixth form college and still doesn't have loads of friends as in he doesn't go out with friends ever. Before he started dating his gf the only time he went out was for school and to the shops etc. He didn't have a social life but he didn't seem upset by it.

This is his first relationship and it just feels intense, there's no rush to introduce the child and gf to his dad and of course he would want to but he could wait until his dad comes here instead of taking a young child all that way somewhere unfamiliar meeting someone unfamiliar especially when the child suffers from travel sickness . Coupled with the fact he barely left the house previously and of course I'm happy he found someone but i don't know,,

He has an unconditional offer at a uni further away but also an offer at the Manchester uni, but he's now saying he wants to take a gap year or go to the local uni and while it is a good uni I can't help but worry it's because of the gf. The other uni is York so not exactly super far either. His attendance has slipped at sixth form too, and I worry it will affect his grades

I've also said multiple times I'm not going to report to SS, it was just a comment. Doesn't mean I'm going to do it, the judgement on this website…

Im sorry but theres lots you could have done when your lads were younger which meant they had boundaries and valued their education so didnt choose unprotected sex and "serious" relationships over concentrating on school/uni and just having fun with their friends and relationships with people their own age with safe sex to avoid anything tying them down.

The only reason people are coming at you like this is becsuse you suggested reporting this young mum to SS and seem.so bothered about what your son is wrapped up in but its a little bit of "acting after the horse has bolted" so to speak.

If he had his head screwed on he would know that now is not that time for embarking on a serious relationship with a young mum and toddler.

Original poster

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 15:32

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 14:59

I was 18 when I started dating my first boyfriend. I did go on nights out with friends but had never been on holiday with them. There were friends of mine who were in serious relationships at 14 or 15. So your issue is that you think he's too young to be in a relationship?

I can understand your concerns about his uni future. But I don't think 18 is too young to be in a relationship

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No, i just think it’s too intense for a first relationship. Especially for an 18yo who doesn’t have much life experience probably compared to others his age who socialise with friends and may be more independent atleast semi independent. It highlights that with how he wants to travel so soon just 4 months into a relationship that he’s eager to travel to scotland to see his dad to introduce them when there’s no rush really and he could wait until he comes to visit himself or until they’ve been together linger. It’s not like he and his dad are close that he wants to involve him in these things as they aren’t

OP posts:

Rosemary61 · 30/03/2026 15:28

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 14:37

In my opinion an 18yo living at home still at school/college is different in maturity to an 18yo away at uni loving away in halls or a just turned 19yo. As I said when my youngest turned 18 his maturity was extremely different to my eldest and his friends when they were 18 and had just gone to uni. Especially as youngest has not much experience going out with friends on holidays or just out places with them/nights out as he doesn’t have close enough friends for that. I know he talks to people at college but i don’t think he classes them as “friends” and he doesn’t see them outside of college

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I understand your concern and as a parent I would also not be happy about this. However, regardless of your son's situation/maturity level, he is 18 years of age and legally an adult. There is nothing you can do about this.
You cannot control who he enters a relationship with. You can control what happens under your roof but just be careful as if you start making life difficult for him, he's likely to distance himself from you.
I remember being 18 and if my parents had tried to control my relationships, it would have made me even more determined to go against their wishes.

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 14:59

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 14:37

In my opinion an 18yo living at home still at school/college is different in maturity to an 18yo away at uni loving away in halls or a just turned 19yo. As I said when my youngest turned 18 his maturity was extremely different to my eldest and his friends when they were 18 and had just gone to uni. Especially as youngest has not much experience going out with friends on holidays or just out places with them/nights out as he doesn’t have close enough friends for that. I know he talks to people at college but i don’t think he classes them as “friends” and he doesn’t see them outside of college

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I was 18 when I started dating my first boyfriend. I did go on nights out with friends but had never been on holiday with them. There were friends of mine who were in serious relationships at 14 or 15. So your issue is that you think he's too young to be in a relationship?

I can understand your concerns about his uni future. But I don't think 18 is too young to be in a relationship

Original poster

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 14:37

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 14:12

You see your oldest son as an adult but not your youngest - and there's only 11 months between them. The point is - he could be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a child and the same things could occur. Dropping attendance - risk of pregnancy. It's no less likely just because his gf has a child

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In my opinion an 18yo living at home still at school/college is different in maturity to an 18yo away at uni loving away in halls or a just turned 19yo. As I said when my youngest turned 18 his maturity was extremely different to my eldest and his friends when they were 18 and had just gone to uni. Especially as youngest has not much experience going out with friends on holidays or just out places with them/nights out as he doesn’t have close enough friends for that. I know he talks to people at college but i don’t think he classes them as “friends” and he doesn’t see them outside of college

OP posts:

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 14:12

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 14:05

I've said multiple times that I wasn't going to though and people are still fixated on it. And calling me judgemental of a young mum but they're judging my son for having a baby at 15 and saying I think it's “ok” but I didn't at the time but it's not going to change things, she's here now and has been for 3 years.

If I had said DS sees her regularly but doesn't work or isn't in education and spends his days doing nothing but drugs or whatever posters would still call him a shit dad and rightly so but he's at least doing something with his life and his end goal is to be a teacher.

That wasn't the point of my thread anyway I would've said if i’d asked for peoples judgemental or (non) advice.

To the posters saying it’s not any of my business about my younger sons gf, he lives here with me so I’d say it is especially if it’s going to mess up his education that I had put money away into savings for (if he didn’t want to go to uni at all in the first place fine but he did before he met his gf and he had somewhat of a plan too for what job he wants etc)

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You see your oldest son as an adult but not your youngest - and there's only 11 months between them. The point is - he could be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a child and the same things could occur. Dropping attendance - risk of pregnancy. It's no less likely just because his gf has a child

Original poster

PlumPuddingPonderer29 · 30/03/2026 14:05

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 13:35

Perhaps you are getting pushback because you typed that you felt like calling social services presumably to break up your sons relationship. As for your other son it sounds like an awful situation but they were in a relationship for two years and then he went away to uni and rarely sees his child?

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I've said multiple times that I wasn't going to though and people are still fixated on it. And calling me judgemental of a young mum but they're judging my son for having a baby at 15 and saying I think it's “ok” but I didn't at the time but it's not going to change things, she's here now and has been for 3 years.

If I had said DS sees her regularly but doesn't work or isn't in education and spends his days doing nothing but drugs or whatever posters would still call him a shit dad and rightly so but he's at least doing something with his life and his end goal is to be a teacher.

That wasn't the point of my thread anyway I would've said if i’d asked for peoples judgemental or (non) advice.

To the posters saying it’s not any of my business about my younger sons gf, he lives here with me so I’d say it is especially if it’s going to mess up his education that I had put money away into savings for (if he didn’t want to go to uni at all in the first place fine but he did before he met his gf and he had somewhat of a plan too for what job he wants etc)

OP posts:

U53rName · 30/03/2026 13:54

Clonakilla · 30/03/2026 09:49

Parents of all ages adjust their study plans to accommodate their children, and to ensure they can still work to support them. Everything from deferring, studying part time, changing their course, changing their planned uni. Entirely normal behaviour for committed parents, and one of the reasons why we don’t generally think it desirable to have children whilst still a child yourself.

How many young mums are carrying on with their plans as normal?

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Reminds me of a girl on my course at uni—had a baby at 16 and left him behind with her parents because she wanted the “uni experience”. She was only about 45 minutes away from home, yet lived on campus, and never went home at weekends (had a uni boyfriend and wanted to party with him at the weekend). I recall her saying toward the end of final year that she wasn’t going to move back in with her parents, and that she and her boyfriend were going to rent somewhere together. She said that her boyfriend didn’t want her boy living with them, so that was that. I kept my thoughts to myself, but I definitely had some opinions. This is why children shouldn’t be having children.

QuintadosMalvados · 30/03/2026 13:37

Blueshoey484 · 30/03/2026 13:21

So according to you they've all to be boring older and average looking to be stepfather material?

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Eh?
I think that any woman - whether she's a single mum OR a woman seeking a man to have children with - would be wise to pick a man who doesn't crave excitement and no longer has the desire to have youthful hi jinks all the time.

As for the extremely good-looking bit, if he's young and craves excitement and good looking he's probably going to be a shit father/step father.

All I can say is that if there are women out there who have children with men on the basis that they're exciting, hot and immature instead of being dependable and boring and more settled in life then it is really no surprise that there's so much single parenthood.

A man HAS to not mind repetition and boredom to be a good father for fuck's sake.