DS playing daddy to his new gfs 4yo

He was in a relationship with the mother for two years after she got pregnant. The circumstances of the child being conceived doesn't mean that he never sees her - he does see her - but only on his terms

He wants to hang out with rhe mum and the child is part of the package. Him being a good uncle or not is neither here nor there.

Nothing you can do, he’s young but he’s also an adult now and free to make his own choices.

The horse has already bolted, acceptance would be more realistic.

There’s only a small age gap between them, which is a positive.

You’d be better to stay close and try and be there to support him, rather than judging him.

SS will think you are a loon if you involve them unless a massive backstory.

I would have suggested a different game and why though.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones ..

I am sorry that your son was sexually assaulted as a child and it resulted him fathering a child. I understand why he does not want to be in contact.

However, when you bring something like this up in the op, it is relevant to the story and I feel like it is understandable to want to understand what it means.

But as for your younger son. I don't think you can do a lot. You can say that you won't babysit. That they are not welcome at yours. You can advice on birthcontrol and not get too involved as a daddy but still be a good partner. She shouldn't have introduced her child, but damage is done but you cant force him to end the relationship and kicking him out won't end in desired result.

Stop punishing your son for the mistakes your other son made. You cannot in a million years think it's ok that your son is off to uni and he could be sleeping with women left right and centre. Doesn't care about his child but your other son has to be reported to social services for taking his gf to Edinburgh

If I were in that position at 18 and my mum reported my bf - I would never ever talk to them again

I really hope your oldest son pays maintenance for his daughter - that's the least he could do given that he's abandoned her.

Jealous of his brother. His brother who was a dad weeks after his 16th birthday. Having under age sex with a girl but he was co erced into it. It's really telling that the OP states that her son was co erced into having sex by pals bigging him up and egging him on - but she seems to blame the gf for getting pregnant. No one forced her son to have sex with this girl - that's the bottom line. He was not forced into it. She said that herself

Lots of teens are put under pressure to sleep with people before they are ready - they don't all have to do it - stop blaming this girl for the choices your son made.

And I strongly suspect she thinks he was co erced to try and salvage some pride over it. Some older boys egged him on and bigged him up - that does not explain why he slept with that girl

Because there's no way she got pregnant the first time they had sex. He was a dad a few weeks before he was 16. He could have been sleeping with this girl when he was 14. And her other son who is 18 is being hung out to dry for having a gf with a child

Wow. Judgemental much. How horrible to judge a young woman like this. My mum had two kids and we have two different dads - she worked all her life. What a nasty horrible post. Oh and by the way. If you know anything about the benefits system which you clearly do not - having kids doesn't stop someone from having to look for work. Maybe the OP would be better concentrating on her oldest son who has abandoned his child rather than slating this young woman

I'm more concerned that a 4 year old was being exposed to video games tbh

I think this women your son is associating with. is just using him as she doesn't seem to have much support.

She may also be playing collecting father's and milking the Benefit System by having four or more children. One after another. So that she doesn't have to work

If it wasn't him. It would be someone else. Do you think your son is a bit jealous of his brother who is already a father.

Either way l hope he soon sees sense.

The OPs older son could get someone else pregnant. She has no idea what he's getting up to at uni

So many are saying it's not your business but I can see why you're concerned. If the girlfriend gets pregnant it will most likely involve you somehow.weather it's financial support or moving in with you.You're understandably concerned about your young son rushing into something that will alter his future and he may not be ready for what's coming. From my perspective many mothers would want to give advice to their child . That's all you can do because kids will do what they want anyway.

My nan said the same about my auntie, she had a child and the new man was playing daddy, she didnt like him at all.

Said child is now in her late 30s and hes not playing daddy he became dad and still his to her, and the 2 more they had together.
Still together and very happy.

This is where you need to step back. You are entitled to your opinions but your son is an adult now and you have to let him live his life. Of course offer advice if needed but in this situation I would suggest to leave him to his own devices, you will end up pushing him away.

Your son's a nice boy. Even if he does have a child with her it's better than being a party animal in the Uni, getting drugged and drunk and being detached from realities of life. I think you should support him and he will definitely cool off at some point but will remember you as a caring and supportive mum.

The son has said that his child doesn't know who he is. That's because he sees her in the holidays only. The other son has looked after the child once for three hours. That doesn't make him a childminder or a stepfather.

The oldest son isn't doing an equal share - nothing like it. The Op also made a comment that he sees the child when the mum allows it. I bet that there's resentment there that he dumped her after being part of the child's life and went off to uni and hardly sees the child.

But it's not either or. As a parent the son needs to do both. We can't pretend that a teenager having a child will not require guidance. That's what the OP should be focusing on, guiding her son who is already a parent to be a GOOD parent.

Op has said calling SS wasn’t a serious idea but her train of thought.

I also can’t believe you are suggesting that doing an equal share of raising a child is more important than a teenager growing up, getting qualifications and getting aspirational. Much better potential for supporting a child long term. It’s also a door open to the mum.

Being a childminder is a tough job that OFSTED have to monitor. Ops other son is potentially that or a step parent which is even harder. He has no connection to the kid apart from through the woman he’s dating. He’s not a family member, nor a friend.

They are different situations not misogyny.

Oh come on now. The girl went out for a couple of hours, there's no reason to think her boyfriend would hurt her child and he'd spent lots of time at her place - so he seems to have a good relationship with the child.

I agree and had to do the same.

I think it’s shocking that he made a child then fucked off and made the mum do it all and apparently it’s ’ok as he’s at uni’.

And then OP is judging this other woman, when she is actually taking care of her child FT and hasn’t decided to just ditch the kid and go to a uni that means she only gets to see the child a couple times a month.

OP wanted to ring SS because of this mums parenting, yet she has a son with a child who is barely involved.
You couldn’t make it up.

There is a very misogynistic tone in OPs posts.

I'll also say none of this is your fault. But your youngest son sounds like a good kid and your oldest obviously has had it hard - but he can't be a summer holiday dad. It's not on. At all.

It's not far on his daughter and it's not fair on the mum - and I sincerely hope he's paying child maintenance -that's the least that child deserves.

And lots of first relationships are intense. Mine was. He'll be fine - he sounds like a good kid.

My life isn't perfect. However I have a father who fucked off out of my life when I was very small. I don't hate him. I have no idea who he is but I resent him. I resent the fact he made no effort with me. I resent he left my mum in the lurch - and they were married. My mum also had me at 19 but she tried everything she could to make sure my dad saw me - and he could not be bothered. Oddly enough. He was a teacher. Cared about other kids. Not me

Your oldest son was in a relationship with his ex for two years and then ended it and went to uni and hardly sees his child. No wonder the kid doesn't know who he is. He's making no effort

Your oldest son could also have gfs at uni. You don't know

You're giving your son grief for no reason while your eldest does not prioritise his child

I feel like I've read this before quite recently

As a young parent I had to make choices about university. And those choices included attending a commutable university, despite holding an offer for a far better institution.

For me it's where your attention and worry is. One of your children has a child he doesn't parent whilst your post is concern about someone else's child. If you had posted about the former I'd understand it because it's a worrying situation. Instead you are putting your energy into a situation that you have little ability to influence.

Speak to your son who is the parent and throw your energy into doing what you can for your granddaughter to have the best life outcomes possible.