AIBU to ask my mum to stop WhatsApping baby photos?

@Dontbeme - thank you for your post. I wanted to say something similar but couldn't find the empathy and understanding that you showed. I'm so sorry about what happened to you and OP. When I was reading all the "don't be ridiculous" replies I was thinking exactly this - it's completely understandable that OP would set strong boundaries for her child, given her previous family experience. And if her mother doesn't like it, that's tough with a capital T.

I get you OP. Your parents stood by and knew you were being SA so their judgment is severely lacking in who they allow access to your photos. I am actually amazed you are still in contact with your parents.

Your baby your rules. Regardless if people think you are being (understandably) controlling or anxious, if they cannot accept your rules (and in their position they should be doing everything possible to atone for their shitty parenting) then don't let them have or take any more photos. And never leave them alone with your child.

Well that completely changes things. You are most definately NOT bu. X

I saw your follow up and can see why you are concerned - to be honest I think your worry is about your mother having access to your child after your history, the pictures aren't really the point. So given that history I'd think a lot about what future you see for your child and your mother - as obviously your mother will have her own photos she will share as she likes, and she won't respect your boundaries with it (I have very few boundaries about sharing my children online, but that's not the point. I have a lot of boundaries around appropriate screen time and I'd expect anyone in our families to respect them - everyone gets to make boundaries for their own kids)

I mean it's totally understandable that you feel let down and want to set boundaries with your mum in this case and it's a bit of a drip feed OP. Of course you can set any boundaries you see fit but I think though that if your priority is safeguarding your child rather than punishing your mum then there's other more important boundaries to set. Sending a couple of baby photos to random relatives who will probably just put a love heart next to it without really even looking at it properly is highly unlikely to be of any consequence to any of you. However in your position I'd find it hard to trust mum to babysit alone, for example, as she's proved that she doesn't make good judgements about safeguarding. The ultimate question is do you want mum to have a relationship with your baby? If so concentrate on facilitating supervised access and forget what she does with a couple of photos. If you don't really want her to get close to baby then I guess just stop sending images and she'll probably give up trying in the end anyway. Either response is honestly a valid one given what you've been through.

I;m sorry to hear that

Why do you have anything to do with them?

Have you had counselling?

I just googled. Over 6.9 billion photos are shared on WhatsApp every day.

Quite apart from them being encrypted, the chances of anyone picking your baby's photo to manipulate are vanishingly, vanishingly tiny. So you can put that element out of your mind, really.

OP's SA issues make her situation somewhat more complex, but since OP is still in contact with her, I'm assuming that the perpetrator isn't on her mum's contract list for photos, it she'd have mentioned it in her drip feed.

But for the vast majority of people, sending photos to friends and family on an encrypted platform, is normal and about building connections and cementing family and social bonds. Parents and grandparents have shared baby s photos since photography existed. It's healthy, and ultimately in the child's interests to have people around who feel connected to them. .

It sounds to me as if you’re just trying to get your own back on your mother.

In your circumstances OP I'd cease all contact with your mother now. I finally have and wish I just did it when DC were first born. I suspect its going to end that way anyway.

But the messages and images are not available to the public or server.

You don't understand why OP might have doubts about her mothers judgement on what is appropriate or who is a safe person, knowing that the same woman allowed OP to be a victim of CSA all through childhood and did nothing protect OP. Yeah, it's a mystery.

For everyone going "oh, she's only sharing photos of the baby with auntie Doris and uncle Dave" who do you think was likely abusing OP but someone close to her family.

OP, like you I was abused throughout childhood, the reality of what was allowed to be done to me only really sank in when I was an adult and friends starting having their own kids, suddenly I was faced with the reality of just how small and vulnerable I was as a child, while the adults that should have protected me dithered about and didn't like to say as it might upset my abuser to be accused. I hope you have healing and support.

The child’s mother has requested that photos not be sent. That should be the end of it, whether people agree or disagree.

I think the issue is that whereas hard copy photos were once displayed in GPs home or in a small carry about album and shared in person/directly and the images taken home, digital images can go anywhere and we no longer have control over where they end up, even if we chose to just share with family. You can send hard copies, but they can be scanned and shared too.

I think it is probably unreasonable not to allow GPs to share their pictures with elderly/distant relatives via whatsapp, as it’s encrypted. It’s different to sharing their images on SM platforms without their consent (which as a family we have never done either) because those remain in the ‘ether’ forever and if names/birthday info is shared along side them it breaches their privacy. In this case I would reach a compromise and insist that MiL only shares the pictures via an encrypted service like whatsapp and that she ensures anyone she shares them with does not screenshot and share onwards - perhaps MiL could use the view once option?

Well in that case OP won't be protecting her own child! OPs mother enabled and ignored her being sexually abused.

OPs 'D'M doesn't exactly understand boundaries and allowed her to be sexually abused. She wouldn't be getting a single photo from me.

Your baby, Your choice, I fully understand your decision and had the same issues when I had my first child. If someone wanted to come and visit and see the baby all good / if you don’t want to come and visit, all good but that doesn’t mean you get to have pictures of MY child

Good grief.

It really is about control, isn't it?

Oh she will if OP needs it.

@patooties i understand I feel like I use to feel like you. Until I researched how bad the internet or actually how easily it had become for sexual predators.

Take the fact that in the USA 1% of the population has accessed, created or downloaded child images in the past year.

The total population is the USA is 342.4 million. So 1% of that is over 3.42 million people in the last year alone in one country.

Images of children are being shared and used in odd ways that we can’t even image. I remember once seeing a documentary and there was a really innocent picture of a girl around 5/6 in a full swim costume (nothing sexual to me at all). You can imagine my horror when it was being shared edited and a lot of the comments where around “oh I would love to lick that bold xxx”

So why everyone says OP is being dramatic, so you know 100% and can swear on your life that great aunt Margo won’t accidentally share it with her husband or son or share it on her local Facebook group? That any of these images won’t end up in the dark web? Can you 100% promise that?

Yes it’s extreme but if you have followed any of the Epstein files can you not see how this is a major problem?

And for anyone saying when people visit the house and there’s a printed picture, that’s very different. You have completely control of that picture, people may see it but can’t be downloaded, edited or shared.

I don't think OP's mum will be providing childcare given the update!

Point out that most people are bored by pictures of other people's babies, and dislike her mindlessly showing off like that.

The baby being integrated into a wider network is beneficial for the baby. My international relatives definitely feel attachment to my children who they've met less than a handful of times through their contact with them on SM and the like. My children feel the same. They know Aunty P through calls, facetime, SM photos and videos and our online contact. So when they met her in person, it wasnt like meeting a stranger.

You've asked repeatedly, they're not listening.
Don't allow them to take any photos.
But, if I was in your position and my mum allowed me to be SA"d I would have nothing to do with her.

So she knew about SA to you and you still allow her to have contact with your child? You still send her photos even though she enabled your abuse? You need to have a good look at yourself too. Why are you allowing all these people who condone abuse of your child access to your child? And in the same way what good is the training you do if you are not applying it to your life? Pictures are the very last thing someone will get if they stood by and allowed someone to abuse me.

Your baby, Your choice, I fully understand your decision and had the same issues when I had my first child. If someone wanted to come and visit and see the baby all good / if you don’t want to come and visit, all good but that doesn’t mean you get to have pictures of MY child . All the shitty commenters saying you’re over the top need to get back in their lane! Honestly since when is it acceptable to ignore when someone asks you Not to do something, and to place someone else’s wants about your own.No means no end of. No need for justification and explanations. Some people are incredibly private and people need to respect that.

I personally wouldn’t mind if Great Aunt Mabel was receiving pics of my baby over WhatsApp HOWEVER I am on your side OP. I think this is all principal based. You told your mum not too, a she’s doing it anyway. That would piss me off. If she’s disrespecting your boundary with this, what other boundaries will she cross? I’d tell her what you’ve told us. Cheering this person up doesn’t trump your babies right to privacy. And then stop sending her photos.