AIBU to ask my mum to stop WhatsApping baby photos?

Not what I was actually saying at all - I was saying originally, I thought she needed to rethink that particular boundary, but given the update, maybe not!

This is complex, for a variety of reasons.

Fundamentally, you've asked your Mum not to do something, and she's doing it anyway.

What I don't understand though, is if you're so untrusting of anything owned by Meta, why you're using one of their platforms to share photos.

I think the only viable solution to these problems is to stop sharing photos on WhatsApp fullstop.

Yet another person who doesn’t get it. People who are hurt by a parent, be it physically, emotionally, sexually or (as in this case) neglect, often continue to crave the love, attention and approval of that parent. Perhaps trying to control the distribution of her child’s photos is the only pushback the OP can manage. That’s just one possible explanation of many.

Massive drip-feed.
95% of the replies to your original post will be irrelevant to you, because the posters missed this rather big update.

Why do you have any contact at all with your mother? How can you even bear to be around her?

The dismissive responses on here, many of them presumably from the sort of entitled GPs the OP is up against, are so telling.

Once photographs of children are uploaded to messaging apps like WhatsApp, and shared, any control of those images is lost. Those children are people and have rights, believe it or not, and they get no say. Some relatives will share them more widely than just on messaging apps and TAG them. Then the name that belongs to the child's image is also out there. We have no idea where that might lead for someone's identity in the future, with the growing sinister uses AI is put to, for example. Why should that child and its parents not be allowed to have a say in their privacy? Because... family?

Come on.

Of course it’s about control. The behaviours resulting from childhood trauma are complex and often appear contradictory. The OP clearly wants a relationship with her mum, despite the fact that her mum did not protect her. That’s illogical in itself, yet entirely understandable. Wanting to exert control where she can is also understandable. Why would anyone expect consistency and logic to apply to an emotionally messy relationship?

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I have heard of others who work in the cyber security area who will not send photos of their children on WhatsApp, they only do it using a different app (don't recall the name).

Assume others have said this but I'd just stop sending the photos to your mum and dad if you can't trust them and it really upsets you.

I think it's one thing to show a photo of your grandchild on your phone to a friend whilst they're with you in person, very different thing to send the photo to their phone.

I'm so sorry you were SA'd OP, and that your mother suspected but did nothing.

So it's ok to cross people's boundaries because it brings me joy?
Ok

And you are someone with so little empathy that you will respond in this awful way to a survivor of child sexual abuse whose mother knew something was going on and did nothing to protect her daughter. OP should cut off all ties with her. Your post is disgusting and you should be ashamed.

Harsh. But essentially true

I don’t think oP’s update is relevant here at all.

I appreciate how that sounds, but the OP is willingly sending those pictures to the person who stood by while she was sexually abused. Had she refused to send them to her that would be understandable, but she’s not.

So she still trusts her with the photo’s, with her baby, but is using this excuse now as a form of control.

There is 0 risk to sending a picture on WhatsApp. None.

While of course what happened to OP as a child was awful, the fact that she’s still happy to engage with her mother clearly shows this has nothing to do with it.

OP is a survivor of CSA from the age of 5 to 13 and her mum, who suspected that something was wrong, did nothing at all to protect her daughter. No wonder she wants to control who sees images of her own child and no wonder she doesn't trust her own mother who is lucky to still have a relationshipn with OP and her grandchild.

My mum kept doing it before I went no contact for a multitude of reasons.

It’s not just a breach of trust it’s a breach of boundaries. She was sending pictures of my seriously ill newborn on life support to people I hadn’t spoken to in years. In the end I stopped sending any pictures into our family group chat and just directly to people I wanted to share with.

I agree with @Farewelltothatid, @embroideredpanda - this is your decision, and your mum should respect it.

When I became a granny, I was very careful to follow my son and DIL's wishes - not just on photos but on announcements, feeding, behaviour etc etc. They are doing things differently to the way I did them, but even if I disagreed with what they were doing, it is their decision to make, not mine.

If she can't respect your wishes re. photos and social media, she won't get photos in the future.

I also hadn’t seen OP’s update when I posted, which changes the balance of risk. In those circumstances then I can absolutely see why she might not run that risk!

Also. Regardless of the fact your mother stood by for 8 years suspecting you were being sexually assaulted and did nothing... You offered an alternative way of sharing photos with her and wider family that is more secure. Having privacy concerns is not unreasonable regardless of your specific history meaning that you will be more sensitive to child abuse. We should all be more sensitive to child abuse. Your mother refused this. You asked her not to share photos on WhatsApp. She ignored you.

You are very much not being unreasonable. I'll say again - no one is entitled to access to your child. Even grandmas that would be gutted if they couldn't share photos around. It isn't their child, and your 2nd cousin thrice removed will live if they don't get to cast their eyes upon your baby. She is not a quantum particle. She exists without being observed.

For grandma - she obviously gets some joy out of it, and providing it’s pictures OP has sent herself to her mum and therefore vetted, and they’re being sent to a family member on WhatsApp, the risk of harm is relatively low.

When my daughter had her children she asked me not to share their pictures on social media.
So i didn't
Your mother is being massively unreasonable.

You're making stuff up to suit the level of control you want.
If whatsapped photos have a chance of landing "in the hands of Meta" then what do you think you're doing by sending them to your mum in the first place?
You are at best being hypocritical, and at worst you are creating, by your own cod technological understanding, a safeguarding risk quite purposefully yourself.
I should add, the "at worst" scenario is probably not true and bollocks, because your supposed reason is bollocks.

Stop sending pictures to your mum in the first place in that case.

I had voted YABU until I saw your update.

Tbh reading that, they’re lucky you have contact with them at all. I don’t think you can have a relationship of trust with them in those circumstances- are they not eaten up with guilt about it? I don’t know if I could live myself in their place.

Generally speaking, I would say it’s fine (WhatsApp is quite secure as I understand it) but in your shoes I probably just wouldn’t allow them access to photos at all.

@embroideredpanda you are not unreasonable. Show her this.

it "may" have the desired effect?

It is certainly something that people should give serious thought to.

Interesting interpretation. My interpretation of your post is that you yourself have probably massively failed someone and view their life choices as a way to get back as you, rather than having any understanding or empathy for the impact on them. I suspect you're one of these who think they're the center of the universe.

Can't be done with anyone thinking they are 'entitled' to access to your baby, on any level. I would hate this too. Not because I'd be worried about the pictures falling into wrong 'uns inboxes, but because your mother failed you, in the worst possible way, as a child, and she doesn't get bragging rights now. She hasn't earned them. She can't be trusted with children, her moral compass is fucked, and she doesn't get to parade your baby around like a trophy now. Doting grandma my arse.

I am so sorry that she let you down so badly.

I would just stop sending her photos of your child. I wouldn't even say anything to her - it's not worth it, she doesn't listen. She didn't respect your boundary not to be abused as a child so she's damn well not going to respect this one.

Same here. I’d be upset if I couldn’t send pictures of our little granddaughter to our closest family & friends.

So long as your mother isn’t posting all over Twitter and Facebook, I am having trouble understanding your feelings. Unless you just want to punish your mother for the past in some way.

@ Liveafr
You completely miss my point. Of course DGMs and their GM friends are very interested in their own and their friends’ baby pics - and grandchildren pics generally: don’t have to be babies. They will share them with their siblings and grandmother friends - but not beyond that. No danger of anyone on WhatsApp sending pics to everyone they know. If it brings a little joy to Great Aunt Elizabeth’s day, where’s the harm? WhatsApp is encrypted - bad people can’t gain access to disseminate pictures far and wide.