To be unsure of new DSS set up

God, this poor kid. What a shit show in his mother's house to start with.

Your DH needs to pull his weight and spend time with his own son.

Do you not question this stupid set up?

I'm pretty sure that 16-year-olds must remain in some form of education, training, or employment until they turn 18. What does your DH think about his son not doing any of these things? Does he have any qualifications?

He's 16! Why isn't he doing this for himself (cleaning room, laundry and a share of the cooking)?? Ridiculous !! You need to stop, and your dp needs to step up here and parent his son, before he becomes an utterly useless partner to some poor unsuspecting lass in a few years time.

Why though???

@hackson do you never go on holiday?

If the only reason your DSS wants to be living with his dad most of the time is so he can do what he likes, then that's not a good reason
My guess is that the reason DSS wants to be in his father's house is that his mother has moved another new partner into her house and the DSS is not happy there. He already has a 5 year old half sibling in that house with her previous partner who also lived there.

You shouldn't have to be giving this so much though, it's your DP who needs to step up and parent his offspring not you!

rid yourself of any misplaced guilt, it's your DP who needs to feel guilty for taking no time off even when he has the chance to be a proper parent, and stop absolving himself of his parental responsibility.

i bet you never signed up to this when you got together with your DP! Goal-posts shifting!

Does your DH ever take any time off

I would be very wary of this proposal. His mum needs to have input into it. If the only reason your DSS wants to be living with his dad most of the time is so he can do what he likes, then that's not a good reason. You aren't his mum so you'll never have the ability to influence his behaviour,

in short, his mum needs to make the decision with her ex, and you shouldn't get involved especially if the expectation is that you'll be with your DSS most of the time and your DP is off the hook.

As DP is self employed, tell him to take DSS with him. It will be good experience for him and he will get to spend some quality time with his DS instead of beign a crap father,

@hackson your 10yo may change his ways to be more like DSS as he gets older, so good for him to see ground rules being laid out now

It's shit parenting.

If my child gamed and never left the house I'd feel like I'd failed.

I completely sympathise as I've been there. My DSS is a gamer and never left the house for days on end. We tried to get him to get a part time job but it never happened. He's at uni now but it used to drive me nuts having to listen to him gaming all day in his bedroom while I was trying to WFH.

I think it is totally fair of you to speak to DH and express your concerns - you plan to take time off in the holidays to be with your son, surely DH understands he needs to do the same for his - this may mean working 4 day weeks so that he can take his DS out on Fridays, or taking a week off to take his son away camping etc. Obviously it is going to make you feel awkward if you take your won son out during the hols for 121 quality time and you’ll feel obligated to invite DSS - this intrudes on your parent/child time when DH needs to step up and do equivalent things with his son.

I don’t think you are being out of order to insist your DH and you discuss this and that he plans how HE is going to adjust his work/holiday plans to accommodate his DS in those circumstances.

This.

So you do all the cooking, washing, cleaning while your partner never takes a day off?

I'd feel like a right mug.

Tell your partner he needs to sort his shit out and spend some time with his son, plus letting his son just stay at home all day is letting him down and he keeps interrupting you. If he's self employed he can take time off.

This is where you say you're the higher earner too, cherry on top

Well this is a different problem. Of course your SS can live in your home, but the same rules would apply to him as they would to your own child at 16. No wandering into your office (very firm rule here), you shouldn't be cleaning up after him (my kids clean their own rooms and they're much younger), etc. My daughter is 13 and can cook dinner for the family now and again (she likes doing that in the school holidays).

Good lesson here too about helping your 10 year old get more self-sufficient and help out in the house more now so at 16 it won't be a shock to him too.

I think you should consider changing your mindset. You married someone with a child, that child wants to come to your house more. Yes you do have to suck it up and stop seeing him as an inconvenience, poor lad.

See it as an opportunity to build a more grown up relationship with him - ‘You’re always welcome here, we’re more than happy that you stay over summer. You’re old enough now to live by the house rules though which are……’.

If you can afford it DH should take some time off work to be around for DSS

Could you suggest stuff to do in a positive way to DSS & DP - 'it's great that DSS is staying, looking forward to it but don't want him to be bored whilst we are both working- how about DP gets him a summer gym membership or helps find a part-time job, would be great for confidence/CV/pocket money'

Plus I's be putting together a summer chore rota for everyone - regular cooking/laundry duties for both boys, maybe get DSS doing the garden for pocket money

I think DH needs to speak to DSS mum. You say he likes being at yours because of his dad being more laid back than his mum, and that dad isnt even going to be around most of each day.

I would guess there is a high chance DSS is choosing the option of unlimited gaming time, potentially eating junk, and no chores over still being parented a bit.

Get DH to find out what rules mum has, if they seem reasonable then have a conversation with DSS about how if he is with you full time then he will need to have more responsibilities like at his mums and not spending all day gaming as its not good for him.
If she seems unreasonably strict then DH needs to suggest meeting in the middle with the rules, explain that he doesnt want her to always be the "strict parent" whilst hes the "fun parent" and that he wants DS to want to spend time with both so a compromise where there is the same rules seems ideal and then DS wont have any incentive to avoid being at mums because of it being more strict.

Are there any additonal factors like a stepdad or siblings he really doesnt get along with at mums to consider?

@hackson what do you mean his mum is no longer around for his GCSEs. Assume upto and including GCSEs he will be revising. What are his plans post GCSEs, college etc?