To be unsure of new DSS set up

Or the other alternative would be that his mum actually does give a shit and he doesn’t like that and prefers the “lax” dad(by OP’s own admission). Mum expects and checks revision, studying, chores , doing something other than festering in his bedroom all day gaming. Dad is always at work , when he isn’t, if the kid doesn’t leave his room that’s fine with him and is more lax with rules.

Have you told your husband that if he wants this new arrangement then he needs to step up and take some time off to spend with his son?

Are there also no trains, buses, cycling, meeting places half way, and occasionally lifts/taxis?

Do you think his mum has told him he is “not doing nothing all summer” or the new partner has? so he has decided to come to you instead? I wouldn’t want him in the house 24/7 either step parent or not. I think perhaps his dad should chat to him about a part time job or some sort of hobby/activity that will get him out and meeting people.

So he’s opting to check out of real life by loafing around gaming at OP’s.

Most teens in blended families pick a ‘base’ and that’s usually the one that’s closest to their friends, so they can go out and see people and get a local job.

In OP’s shoes I’d be worried that this was the start of SS moving in and treating it as a dosshouse whilst he games and has no responsibilities. It’s not healthy for him.

Maybe because his mates are 45min away? Which also probably makes having a part time job quite difficult if you think about it. 🤔

OP, I’d be really concerned about DSS tbh. It sounds like his mum is a real problem. Moved in a new man she’d known less than a year and now is disappearing from mid-May when her child is starting GCSEs? I’d be worried that DSS has downplayed how he feels about living at his mums.

However, this is mostly DH’s problem to deal with. For a start, he needs to cut back his hours a bit over the exam period so he can be around for moral support and to check DSS is studying. During the actual holidays he should be taking DSS to work a couple of days each week. And he needs to take actual time off to do fun things too. His son needs him around.

Oh, "blended families".
Obviously, everyone to their own.
But, why do people willingly create problems and stress for themselves. Just why?

What does your DH do for a living? Can he take his DS with him?

How long have you known DH and step son?

What’s he doing after the summer OP?

In your shoes I’d be concerned he was being moved in by stealth. If you don’t want that, now is the time to make it clear.

Could you have a chat with him that you can’t be disturbed between so and so hours, but you’ll be free to have a chat/cuppa with him at lunchtimes?

He sounds lonely and bored. Does he have any friends?

You need to nip that in the bud right now, before this new set up starts/

There may be co-parenting going on but OP appears to be the co parent not his dad, although looks like mum is opting out of parenting round GCSE time

Noooo - I’d knock this idea off immediately - stick to 50/50 - Ss obviously thinks he’ll have an easier life at yours. When will he see his mum??

Is he coparenting 50/50 though if he never takes time off and at work while he is there? OP spends more time with the kid than the dad is!!

@thepariscrimefiles I think DSS is studying for his GCSEs

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.

Actually she seems to be married to a workaholic who wants the kudos of his son wanting to live with him but doesn't expect to have to do any of the work involved. So he dumps it all on the OP and his life changes not one iota.

The pair of you need to lay down some rules prior to agreeing. His life at your place shouldn’t be a cop out, he should have chores to do like everyone else. You aren’t his maid.

You WFH he doesn’t get to disturb you finito!

That’s a line he doesn’t cross and his dad needs to reinforce that.

A calm organised household has routines so set one up for him. If he doesn’t like it he knows what he can do.

But his dad should take some time off work to spend exclusively with him if that’s at all possible to validate dss choosing to spend time at yours.

It appears his mums home has been somewhat unsettling with successive partners coming and going, perhaps you’re a refuge for him.

Could you stretch to a local gym or club membership for him to get him out of the house. Does he have a cycle at your place so he’s mobile?

At that age I was out cycling for hours.

If his Dad is self employed, is it the kind of work where DSS can go to work with him a couple of days a week and help out / get some work experience?

Does he bother you when he’s at home or does he just amuse himself?
If he doesn’t bother you while you’re working, I’m not too sure what the issue is.
If he is loud or demanding of your time, that’s a different story.

You would obviously not say this outright as it would negatively impact your responses. It’s implicit within the positive behaviours attributed to your own son:-
Your son has local friends, goes to clubs, isn’t under your feet all day etc
Your stepson stays in the house 24/7, spends his time gaming and is forming inadequate attachment to his sibling by his willingness to be away from home.

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.