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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure of new DSS set up

294 replies

hackson · 29/03/2026 22:06

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

  1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
  2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

OP posts:
VegemiteOnToast · 30/03/2026 12:56

It won't be forever given he is almost 16.
I can understand why you don't want a bored teen underfoot but your DH really needs to sort this out. He needs to take off time to spend with his son and drive him to exams. What does he say when you tell him this?
How about getting DSS to do more chores to keep him busy. He could clean his own room, do laundry and cook the occasional meal.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2026 12:53

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.

You mean he wants his wife to co-parent.

trumpisruin · 30/03/2026 12:52

DH is of course thrilled
Of course he is thrilled!
OP is the one who will be doing the extra work but he can take the credit / score the points.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2026 12:50

hackson · 30/03/2026 10:41

He gets bored and interrupts me while I’m working.

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Have you asked him not to interrupt you? Presumably he can understand English.

Chetchy · 30/03/2026 12:50

Allygat · 30/03/2026 12:19

So both his parents have ditched him at the most important time of his life?

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Yep.

An the skivvy aupair step parent is left holding it together.

OP, you are being taken for a complete mug by your husband an his ex.

Its astounding how often this is the case on MN.

Sassylovesbooks · 30/03/2026 12:48

Your step-son's Mum has a 5 year old with a now ex partner who briefly lived in the same house as your step-son. His Mum has a new partner of 18 months, who's recently moved in.

My guess is, that your step-son prefers staying with his Dad because it's consistent, stable and probably calmer. He also has no siblings at your house, other than your son.

It's probably not surprising he wants to stay at yours more. All you can do is set some ground rules and make him feel welcome.

sittingonabeach · 30/03/2026 12:37

Poor child, at one of the most important times of his life

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 30/03/2026 12:36

Allygat · 30/03/2026 12:19

So both his parents have ditched him at the most important time of his life?

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Agree with this. The complete lack of interest in him by anyone other than OP is awful. Poor boy ☹️.

Hallamule · 30/03/2026 12:35

So to sum up: this is a surplus child who neither of his parents appear to have much time or care for who is being left to drift. His step mother provides basic care but doesnt want to do more than that because really, he's not her problem (only now he is).

@hackson I can see why you feel the way you do but honestly- poor.fucking.kid. Heartbreaking.

Allygat · 30/03/2026 12:19

What’s his plan post-GCSE OP? I don’t think you have answered this?

Allygat · 30/03/2026 12:19

hackson · 30/03/2026 12:13

She’s on holiday.

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So both his parents have ditched him at the most important time of his life?

Original poster
hackson · 30/03/2026 12:13

sittingonabeach · 30/03/2026 12:02

@hackson why is mum not involved during GCSE time?

She’s on holiday.

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 30/03/2026 12:11

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2026 11:40

To be fair the chatting to him isn’t something he can do himself!

If they live somewhere remote (which sounds possible with the safe street for 10 yos playing out) he might well need lifts. And it’s a bit harsh to tell 16 yos to make all their own meals!

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Well he needs friends to chat to not his stepmum. And absolutely nothing wrong with cleaning his room or putting washing in or making himself a sandwich or cook a family meal once a week. And he could cycle places . He will be old enough to drive in under a year

Surely families should have everyone ( who isn't a tint child) pulling their own weight. The OPs own DS is old enough to clean room and make a snack also

AlphaApple · 30/03/2026 12:10

It sounds like neither his mum nor his dad is willing to give him the parenting he needs and deserves. That's quite sad.

Can you have a heart to heart with your H?

HazelMember · 30/03/2026 12:06

hackson · 30/03/2026 11:43

DSS went to one of DH relatives for every school holiday then DH would pick him up on the way home from work.

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Your partner really is determined not to do any parenting!

Givemeachaitealatte · 30/03/2026 12:04

Also, I would make DP take time off work. If he's agreed to have him there he needs to make sure he spends actual time with him. Otherwise I'd say no.

It's not okay for him to interrupt you while you're working. Can he not go with DP while he works?

sittingonabeach · 30/03/2026 12:02

@hackson why is mum not involved during GCSE time?

Givemeachaitealatte · 30/03/2026 12:00

I wouldn't like it either OP, from my own kids or step kids being there 24/7 not leaving the house. Not sure there is a lot you can do though.

What I would do is as others say, lay ground rules about what chores he will do, get a part time job, gaming is not 24/7 etc. and his dad needs to enforce that.

I would also ensure that he goes to see his mum regularly.

Original poster
hackson · 30/03/2026 11:54

sittingonabeach · 30/03/2026 10:45

There may be co-parenting going on but OP appears to be the co parent not his dad, although looks like mum is opting out of parenting round GCSE time

It’s down to us to get DSS to his exams now. I’ve offered to take him to as many as I can as it’s hard for DP to get out work and travel all that distance to the school. I am really trying!

OP posts:
Allygat · 30/03/2026 11:53

WildLeader · 30/03/2026 11:49

Your issue is your DP.

the arrangement stays at 50/50 because you need to work, firm boundaries about not being disturbed when working, and dss needs to find things to do as much as possible so that he’s not hanging about or bored. DP needs to take time off to spend with his son and find things for home to do

when the 50/50 thing works for you, you’ll look at increasing it, but right now it’s a no.

Having RTFT I’d agree. SS is welcome half the holidays, plus whatever time DP takes off work.

(Or he can pay for your office space / travel costs to get to the nearest office.)

WildLeader · 30/03/2026 11:49

Your issue is your DP.

the arrangement stays at 50/50 because you need to work, firm boundaries about not being disturbed when working, and dss needs to find things to do as much as possible so that he’s not hanging about or bored. DP needs to take time off to spend with his son and find things for home to do

when the 50/50 thing works for you, you’ll look at increasing it, but right now it’s a no.

Starlight1979 · 30/03/2026 11:44

Janey90 · 30/03/2026 11:39

Its one thing for the child to be with either Mum or Dad, but when a third party ends up being the parent its a bit galling. I suspect only people who've been in this position will understand the dynamic

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I am a step-parent and in exactly the same situation. I said it in my earlier comment.

Hammy19 · 30/03/2026 11:43

Jewel52 · 30/03/2026 10:38

You would obviously not say this outright as it would negatively impact your responses. It’s implicit within the positive behaviours attributed to your own son:-
Your son has local friends, goes to clubs, isn’t under your feet all day etc
Your stepson stays in the house 24/7, spends his time gaming and is forming inadequate attachment to his sibling by his willingness to be away from home.

You are married to a decent man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50.

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But he isn't doing any of the parenting? OP is

sittingonabeach · 30/03/2026 11:43

Gaming is how many teen boys socialise. Even OP’s 10yo may start to be like that when older

Original poster
hackson · 30/03/2026 11:43

sittingonabeach · 30/03/2026 11:41

@hackson before you were with DH how did he manage childcare over holidays etc?

DSS went to one of DH relatives for every school holiday then DH would pick him up on the way home from work.

OP posts: