To be unsure of new DSS set up

Have you never asked him or just accepted he is a crap dad?

But presumably he's also never had your SS stay the whole summer?

My SS14 is 50/50 also with us. I WFH (as does DH mostly). He takes 2 full weeks off when SS is here every summer, and will take an occasional day here & there to go have a day out together.

SS14 spends a lot of time gaming, but will also go out with a local friend (not from school, from the neighbourhood) or occasionally get the train into the town he lives with his mum to meet school friends (1 train stop 10 mins away). We encourage him to make plans.

He has to clean his own room (no idea why you clean a 16yr olds room), does the odd bit of hoovering or dishwasher emptying when requested, and we also give him paid chores lime power washing or cutting the lawn during the summer while he's off. These chores are paid and then enable him to have money for the cinema etc. But if we hadn't encouraged all these types of things, he'd happily sit gaming or watching TikTok all day everyday.

Your DH needs to encourage him to gain some independence and not waste his summer. Nothing wrong with gaming, but he needs something to get him out the house too.

Do you have a gym in walking distance? Do you have any pets?

It’s ok to be apprehensive about change. It’s his home though and he should be able to be there as much as he wants.

His father should make sure to establish rules about behavior and chores. You shouldn’t end up in the role of servant to a 16 year old or have your work day interrupted.

in out household, from the age of 13, we were firm with our dd that she would not be spending her summer holidays doing nothing. She had to find a formal activity of some kind and chose a volunteer position. This meant driving responsibilities for me, but it was worth the hassle. This summer she will be 17 and has lined up both a part-time job and volunteer work. Thankfully she can drive herself now.

Dad can make sure his son is not feckless. It just requires some effort.

Well time he did @hackson

What reason did you husband give for not taking annual leave?

@hackson is sixth form nearer you or mum

@Thechaseison71 I know but he is staying from May, so talk of work etc can wait until end of June. House rules and some chores can be set in motion straight away though

I'm not denying that but I'm assuming that, as well as getting them to help around the house you gave your teens some of your time and energy? That you are a present part of their lives?

By the sound of it this child has nothing like that. He gets a roof over his head, food and his clothes washed (and 2 of those things seem to be provided by his step mother, who also provides any adult input he gets which isnt much). He's isolated, bored and frankly sounds neglected (not materially but in every other way). And all you're offering is that the little bit of care he is shown should be taken away.

I know you've said your husband doesn't take time off 'as a rule', but this is quite frankly unacceptable and ridiculous. I think a firm conversation should be had about why he actually needs to be there for his son this time.

As it stands, your DH is an absent father. 50/50 custody is irrelevant as the boy has been looked after by other people during those hours. His son is almost a man now and is listless, disengaged from life and under-socialised. He needs proper care, a relationship with a present father who spends quality time with him and enriches his world. It's bonkers that YOU are the one worrying about how to occupy him while he's at your house!!

It's going to be a really important summer. Presumably it's a bridge between secondary and college/sixth form/apprenticeship, so in the autumn your DSS will have a fresh start to make new friends and discover himself. I think his confidence will be greatly increased by spending time with his dad (even for just a week or two!) where he is given some much needed attention and affection.

Seriously, I would demand that this happens. It's profoundly unfair on your son to be palmed off by his dad all the time and it's extremely unfair on you to be the default parent, especially when your work might suffer.

She hasn't specifically said what his post GCSE plans are but I think she mentioned he's back in September so presumably he's planning on further education?

But how would you be the default parent? Your DH is at work until 4.30pm... you are also at work (albeit at home).

Your DSS is 16... he can survive until 4.30pm without parental assistance.

I'm not sure what "defaults" to you?

They will be over by june

@Allygat ss his mum has buggered off at one if the most important times of his life I’m not sure his mum’s house is the best place for him.

DSS needs to be concentrating on his GCSEs for the moment, jobs, projects like decorating his room etc can wait until exams are over

Isn’t there a million 16-24 year olds out of work, education or training at the moment?

OP has avoided answering on what SS will do after his GCSEs, but if SS prefers her house to his mum’s, she may well find he’s there long-term.

Um teaching teenagers a sense of responsibility is hardly making a bloody house elf. Iv 3 teens and expect them all to pull their weight then they can game as much as they like

Mine loved redecorating their rooms. Picked paint together, showed them how to edge and use roller. Bit of shopping for new rugs and light fittings. It can be hard to connect with teens but doing a joint task helps

Absolutely, play your cards right and he could be your new house elf. At no point in the discussion should you consider your husband doing some actual parenting, or spending some time with him. As long as he's as invisible to the OP as he is to his parents, the jobs a good 'un.

Teenagers should do chores of course but parents should actually bloody well be there for their kids - that's their side of the contract. Where's any attempt to stimulate, nurture, guide this boy, to help him to mature?

Id sit down with your dh and agree house rules for dss together

Like limiting his gaming per day (may be difficult)
Chores he has to do daily around the house - mine dont get their screen unlocked until chores are done.
Keeps bedroom tidy, puts his own washing away

Could you gat him involves in project like redecorating his room?

@Roosch both mum and dad are

Wow - bio mum is massively letting her child down.

Your husband needs to take some time off work during the holiday time. He's not co-parenting his son, he expects you to do it instead. That's not how parenting works, he chose to have a child with his ex, and that means he's 50% responsible. You're feeling overwhelmed because you know you're the default parent, to a child who's Dad, isn't particularly interested in him. As I said previously your step-son has a more consistent, stable home life at yours, than his Mum's, because you are providing that for him. Your husband and his ex aren't.

Your husband may be self-employed but that isn't an automatic pass to opt out of parenting. Most self-employed people, have to put money aside to cover holiday/sickness periods. I can only assume your husband doesn't bother because he knows you'll provide childcare!

My 16 year old stepson hangs out here in the holidays, just prefers it here. His dad isn't always around but he generally just plays on his PS5 and I throw a few snacks in this direction throughout the day. He's no real bother. My own DC used to be more of a hindrance!

Yep
You are married to a decent typical man who, unlike so many others, wants to co parent 50/50 will sniff out a soft-hearted woman who will do all the work for him so he can have an easy life.