To be unsure of new DSS set up

That's only a fraction of parenting though.
My 14yo SS is self sufficient, my DH still takes some time off to spend quality time with him. Even during Easter or Xmas vacation he'll take one or 2 days off so they can do day trips they enjoy together.

Doesn't have to be every single day given he is self sufficient but a day here and there is important.

Does he know that it affects your work?

What job does he do, could he take his son with him?

If his job won't allow him to parent he needs to find another job.

There are plenty of self employed people who have to keep their rates low just to get work.

Yes I know. It's sensible to do so and sensible to take a break. But there's no actual obligation to do so. Quite a number of self employed people don't do so (a rookie mistake) or they may set pay rates to include holidays but don't take the holidays for a number of reasons. One can be down to having to fit in with a deadline of the client that's quite common in some areas of work e.g. theatre, film, construction etc. Others don't take holiday because they are obsessive about their work. Then there are those who are avoiding family responsibilities.

In an ideal world, maybe …..

It is normal to set your pay rate to cover things like holiday, periods between jobs, sickness etc when you're self employed though.

Not quite. He is self employed. I'm also self employed and there's no holiday allowance. Any holiday is unpaid. I decide when and how much to take (and this can be dependent on my client's requirements).

He must have loads available to him then.

Sounds like he's at the bottom of everyone's list of priorities.

I think it a problem that’s easily solved by setting some slightly stricter rules for him, which is totally reasonable if he’s staying for longer stretches.

i.e no disturbing you while you work barring emergencies, has to do his own washing and has to sort his own food apart from dinner and has to make an effort to be getting out the house for a short stretch each day.

From what you’ve described of his mum’s house I can totally understand why he wants to stay with you. It sounds like he’s at the bottom if her list of priorities

Have you ever asked your DH what he thought parenting would look like? Did he not anticipate having to make some kind of effort? Ask him. Not in a hostile way obviously but it would be really good for you to understand his attitude towards fatherhood.

Does he understand that his son needs guidance and role-modelling from his father?

Does he use work as an excuse to remove himself from family life and parental responsibility?

Does he think it's not his job to support his son and see that he gets to exams and has an opportunity to talk to his dad one-to-one about what's going on in his life?

I mean, fuck sake, these are just the basics.

I know your WFH, but depending on your job, you could use co working spaces outside of your home.

It's her partners son, she should put herself in his shoes (or even the childs shoes). She can relate as she is already a parent. However, even she wasn't a parent, if you enter a serious relationship with a parent you should be prepared to be a full time step parent if that is required. Sounds like she enjoys only having time have him part time.

Ive Just noticed your DP ca t get off work for DS' GCSEs, honestly this is really mean, he should be booking at least mornings to get him there. He also needs to book leave in the hols and take the poor lad camping or something, it seems like hes bothering you as your the only one who is acknowledging him

Did I mention work?

Now you know why he married you.
Shit men like him always need a mug asap to do the skivvy work.

I had a similar-ish situation when DSS was younger (although thankfully never for weeks on end). DH's view was "he's not doing any harm, he's just watching TV, you don't need to do anything" etc, but just having him hanging round the house used to irritate the hell out of me. So whilst DH was right to a point - no, he wasn't doing any harm, I still wondered why on earth he needed to hang round our house under those circumstances. It used to cause a lot of friction.

well the obvious starting point is that you say to your DH that if you're to entertain this arrangement that he needs to take time off work to be at home with him. At least a week each holiday and more in the summer. If he wont do that then the answers no !

@hackson did he never take leave when his relative was looking after DSS. Apart from the holiday you mentioned has he never been on holiday with his son?

You need to have a proper talk with them both.

It's not acceptable that your DH is not using any leave to be with his kid!
It is not ok for anyone to interrupt you whilst you work!

Start with 'of course you can be here for the whole holidays, it is your house too - but lets get some expectations clear so we all understand one another.

You - DH - need ot use some annual leave to entertain and spend time with your son.
You - DSS - need to leave me alone to work unless a leg falls off (yours, the cats, whatever) or the house is on fire.
Everyone pulls their weight in this household, so that it is a nice place for everyone to be!

@Tulipsriver I assume you would take leave, do some actual parenting, not expect step parent to do it

Honestly, I don't think it matters that much whether you want him there or not. He doesn't need babysitting so your DH doesn't need to ask you to care for him, and he should have the right to live in his dad's house fulltime if he wanted to.

Hell would freeze over before I limited the time my children could spend at my home. I would never prioritise a partner in this situation. If something happened where your son couldn't/wouldn't stay with his dad in the holidays, would you honestly tell him he wasn't allowed to be in your home more than 50% of the time?

You can't expect your partner to prioritise your wants in this situation. However, you can choose to prioritise your own feelings if you want. You're an adult and can choose to live apart or split up if you're not happy sharing your space.