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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure of new DSS set up

294 replies

hackson · 29/03/2026 22:06

My partners 16 year old son has recently told his Dad (my DH) that he would like to be at our house every school holiday, for the entire duration. Currently we have him every weekend and half of every school holiday. DH is of course thrilled.

I get on well with DSS but my concerns are:

  1. DP is self employed and never has a week day off. He’s out of the house 6:30-4:30 every day, even in the holidays.
  2. I work from home.

This new set up would mean it would be just me and DSS 5 days a week. My DS would be here for part of the time, and at his Dad’s part of it. I feel a little overwhelmed at the thought. AIBU to feel this way? I feel guilty!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 30/03/2026 05:13

hackson · 29/03/2026 22:31

His mum has been with her partner for around 18 months, and he moved in last year. I think they get on ok.

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So moved in 6/12mths after they met depending when moved in last year

maybe why wants to live at yours ?

need to get a little part job is possible / to not bum around the house /dp to spend time with him after work

TwoShades1 · 30/03/2026 03:59

My step son is 17 and it’s really not an issue. Aside from the massive amount of food he eats, he’s usually in his room gaming or talking to friends. He does go out with friends though usually weekends. Rules are he keeps his room tidy, puts dirty washing in the basket and helps with drying dishes/unloading dishwasher (not everyday). Unless he’s noisy and likely to disrupt your work I can’t see it being an issue.

GoBackToBooks · 30/03/2026 02:50

hackson · 29/03/2026 22:22

When it’s his time with me during the holidays he’s out with his friends nearly the entire time (they all live on our street). I also take annual leave from work and take him places etc.

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Just take them both. Then you can leave him to his own devices for the rest of the week. Job done!

SarahAndQuack · 29/03/2026 23:19

I agree about ground rules. You work from home so you need peace and quiet during working hours. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you do expect the house to yourself some of the time, if that's been your usual set up and your own son recognises that he can't hang around all day when you're working. Maybe explain when you keep time free for calls/really concentrated reading/whatever is relevant to your job? Eg. 'On Monday and Tuesday afternoons I usually expect the house to myself; that's when I'll be on conference calls'.

That could help motivate him to go out and get some more contact with the rest of the world, too? As I agree it sounds a bit lonely if he's usually home frittering his time away.

flapjack5 · 29/03/2026 23:13

It doesn’t sound like he’ll actually be seeing that much of his dad given his working pattern so I presume there are other things he prefers about your house and incentives for him to be there (in his mind). I can see why it’s a bit overwhelming - another person in your home all day while you’re trying to work. I used to wfh and found it easier to concentrate when Dh wasn’t here even though he worked in another room.
However I don’t think there’s much you can do about it, it’s his home too. Maybe set some ground rules but hopefully at 16 he won’t be under your feet too much.

Happyjoe · 29/03/2026 23:09

I guess it's one of those things where you all feel the way and adjust when time comes. As long as partner doesn't allow rubbish habits or behaviour then hopefully get a nice rhythm going together. Hopefully if there's anything bothering him, he'll open up to dad.

KeeleyJ · 29/03/2026 23:06

Wouldn't bother me, its his house too so doesn't need permission to be there at 16 but I would expect him to keep the noise down while I'm working. No shouting and swearing when gaming or groups of friends wandering through the house.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/03/2026 23:01

I would have some ground rules around you working from home. Do you have an office space or use dining room etc? Just let him know what the rules are (assuming these are same rules your own son obeys) if you’re working at home and he’s home.

CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:41

He probably feels that your house is a safe space.

Original poster
hackson · 29/03/2026 22:40

Thechaseison71 · 29/03/2026 22:39

Tbh if my own son was in the house 24)7 it would get in my bloody wick as well

I actually think that’s part of my concern! My son is always out with his friends, he’d drive me mad if he was always under my feet.

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 29/03/2026 22:39

Tbh if my own son was in the house 24)7 it would get in my bloody wick as well

cupfinalchaos · 29/03/2026 22:38

Moonchild90 · 29/03/2026 22:14

How you feel if your son wanted to stay with you for the whole time?

This isn't her son though?

Original poster
hackson · 29/03/2026 22:37

CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:36

Fair enough. However if a new man has moved into his home I couldn’t blame him for wanting to not be there! Presumably the father of the 5 year old lived with them at some point too.

Edited

I think he did briefly.

OP posts:
CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:36

Fair enough. However if a new man has moved into his home I couldn’t blame him for wanting to not be there! Presumably the father of the 5 year old lived with them at some point too.

PoppinjayPolly · 29/03/2026 22:35

So if you tell your dp you don’t want his ds there, you happy with him vetoing your son staying?

Original poster
hackson · 29/03/2026 22:34

CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:33

So is his sibling a baby/toddler?
To be honest I can absolutely understand why he would rather be at his dad’s house .

No sibling is 5 (I think!). Mum had them with her ex partner.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 29/03/2026 22:34

hackson · 29/03/2026 22:27

Yes he does have a much younger sibling at his mums. I’ve never thought it was ideal not seeing his mum or sibling for weeks on end, but not my decision!

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Again, just from my own experience with DSS14, they find young kids very annoying 😂😂

Not your decision but it is also YOUR house and you are the one at home all week, so surely you can communicate with your husband? I'm not saying it should be set days etc but it certainly isn't in anyone's interests he doesn't see his family for the entire summer at least?

But all in all, I don't see an issue with him being there. It's his home too.

CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:33

So is his sibling a baby/toddler?
To be honest I can absolutely understand why he would rather be at his dad’s house .

Original poster
hackson · 29/03/2026 22:31

CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:29

He sounds a bit lost - both of his parents are with other people and there are younger children in both houses. Do you know if he has a reasonable relationship with his mother’s partner?

His mum has been with her partner for around 18 months, and he moved in last year. I think they get on ok.

OP posts:
CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:29

He sounds a bit lost - both of his parents are with other people and there are younger children in both houses. Do you know if he has a reasonable relationship with his mother’s partner?

CrocusesFlowering · 29/03/2026 22:27

If he stays in his room and isn’t bothering you I don’t think there’s a lot you can do.

Original poster
hackson · 29/03/2026 22:27

BudgetBuster · 29/03/2026 22:25

Has he said why he wants to stay at yours more? Does he perhaps.have much younger siblings there (younger than your son)?

Assuming he's a generally good kid and ye get along, I'd probably agree (it is his home and family too) on the premises that he should at least visit his mother every now and then - whether that's for a few hours or a few days but I'm sure they'd both miss eachother. Also I'd let him know that he's welcome but he'll be chipping in around the house (keep his room tidy, clear up after himself, do the dishes or take out the bins etc from time to time)

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Yes he does have a much younger sibling at his mums. I’ve never thought it was ideal not seeing his mum or sibling for weeks on end, but not my decision!

OP posts:
Original poster
hackson · 29/03/2026 22:25

fashionqueen0123 · 29/03/2026 22:23

What, why? Why isn’t he out with mates or getting a part time job or something? Taking part in sport? I wouldn’t be impressed about that. Your husband needs to sort that out.

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I try not to get involved with it. I don’t think it’s healthy but ultimately he’s not my son and it’s not down to me!

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 29/03/2026 22:25

hackson · 29/03/2026 22:17

She lives about 45 minutes away.

Show quote history

Has he said why he wants to stay at yours more? Does he perhaps.have much younger siblings there (younger than your son)?

Assuming he's a generally good kid and ye get along, I'd probably agree (it is his home and family too) on the premises that he should at least visit his mother every now and then - whether that's for a few hours or a few days but I'm sure they'd both miss eachother. Also I'd let him know that he's welcome but he'll be chipping in around the house (keep his room tidy, clear up after himself, do the dishes or take out the bins etc from time to time)

Barnsleybonuz · 29/03/2026 22:25

hardtocare · 29/03/2026 22:21

hi, coming from the POV of the resident parent rather than a step parent I think it’s lovely at his age that he wants some more time with his dad but is he getting it the hours his dad works? As he’s self employed is there any chance dad can work less hours during the hols so the pressure isn’t all on you?

He’s 16 and sounds like a decent kid. What’s the pressure?