To be unsure of new DSS set up

Is he in year 11 or Sixth Form? Where is that? Is he likely to decide to move in full-time, and if so, how would you feel about that?

I strongly suspect he’s not a fan of the new stepdad, has more rules at mum’s house, and prefers loafing around at your house to being told to get out of bed and stop gaming.

I wouldn’t like it either. Would your partner agree to some kind of enforced ‘job’ for him over those weeks, either volunteering or repainting or garden work?

Not RTFT

but could he be encouraged to get a job?

I think you need a family meeting. We had these, we called them table talks. Everyone should know it is happening beforehand so they know what they want to say. This is about expectations.

Your expectations should be that you are not disturbed whilst you are working. Relate it to school, imagine your teacher being interrupted mid lesson, it is the same for you. We used to say unless the house is on fire or you have lost a limb, it can wait. Children are used to instant gratification which is probably why he wanders in.

You will however be available at lunch time, your DSS should be expected to make some of those lunches for whoever is home, you, your son etc. Menu plan together for this, help him feel included and not treated like a very young child.

Maybe at lunch you could watch something together, gives you something to talk about and you spend time together.

Lots of children don't meet up in person. If you are gaming then each person is at their own house, online and they chat over headsets. Better that than having 5 adult sized deep voiced teens in your house whilst you are working.

Your other expectation might be that your Dh takes time off to spend with his son too, a few days out together.

@Blondeshavemorefun might be tricky getting a job when parents live a distance apart

This isn’t about him being there it’s about boundaries. Tell him he can’t interrupt you. Agree a lunch time you’ll come out if he wants to chat.
My 12 year old understands this.
And DH should sit down with him and discuss how he can spend his time - gym is a great idea. Our local leisure centres are quite cheap for teens.

I think you are getting a hard time due to being step mum

I assume when your son is same age you will expect him to get a job and not mope in school holidays

wfh - means don’t disturb unless life is death. Needs to be told by both you and dh that where you work is out of bounds while door is shut

how do you cope wfh when 10 son is off ? Assume you also tell him not to disturb you

There need to be house rules, so no disturbing you when working (unless emergency) but assume same applies for your son. Give him list of chores, build on his independence.

You feel awkward about having him in the house, maybe that’s what he feels like with mum’s new partner. I feel sorry for him. Just wants some stability in his life

You need a house rule that he does not come into your workspace during your working hours. How do you manage your own DS? Set a lunchbreak or coffeebreak times but apart from that you are on Do Not Disturb unless emergencies. If your schedule changes because of meeting times etc. stick your availability times on a whiteboard.

And he can clean his own room and sort dinner once a week. (It might not taste very nice at first but practice makes perfect)

Can he do some work experience with his dad?

No more washing needed or tidying needed by you whilst working FT.

Leave chores to be done daily, for just DSS when he’s alone and both the boys when they are there.

He can cook some dinners.

Less chance of him disturbing you if you give him a purpose.

you know you have to suck it up as he’s DH son but you’re in human in worrying about how a big change will affect you.

His dad should buy him a gym membership.

You don’t need to suck it up. Between you and your partner you need to lay clear ground rules about what is/isn’t acceptable for DSS to be doing whilst you’re working. In the same way you would when your own child is 16. What you can’t do is refuse to have him full time in the holidays because it doesn’t suit you. That’s not how parenting works (step or otherwise).

If you think he needs to get out of the house for his well being then his Dad should be taking some annual leave to encourage that. If DSS doesn’t have a friend network that go out during the day to play football or whatever then can’t just decide to throw him out during the day to wander around on his own.

I can see it’s a stressful change for you. But although they look like young men, 16 year olds are still children and need taking care of as such.

Buy him a gym membership then? Just shut your office door and let him get on with his day. He’s 16 he doesn’t need a babysitter, he wants to be at his house and chill in it, I really don’t see the problem.

Well..yes 🤷🏻‍♀️
be with someone with a kid and at some point they may become a full time household member.
yes, wfh and all that but that’s just normal family shit to sort out. It’s a change but it’s all part of family life

You were expecting someone to disagree with you? Isnt mumsnet for a range of opinons? I would stop doing his washing and tidying his room for starters and i presume you cook for and talk to everyone in the house

Ah so there is a clear issue. This is where you tell your DH, and him that no interruptions are allowed. You are working. You tell DH to give him money to go out with friends and find/organise for him to do since DSS isn’t proactive enough. You and your office are off limits during working hours. If DH won’t agree with that and support you , then indeed you do have a problem.

Also , I apologise , it wasn’t clear from the previous posts what the actual issue was as you made it sound like you never see him as he’s always in his room.

The real question is why and how is it too much? You don’t need to look after him, entertain him or feed him. He’ll be doing all that himself and spend most of his time in his room.

Is it the fact that you know he’s there? Is it the fact that you think he should be doing x,y,z and he isn’t? At the end of the day , he’s not your responsibility or problem to fix, so stop making it so.

You take on this possibility when you marry someone with children.

honestly, step parents enrage the 13 year old girl inside me!! How bloody dare they push a child put of their own home.

Sorry, it’s not a ‘what do you think’ situation. This is the child’s house too! Imagine being told you were only welcome at home
for a certain amount of time.

Poor lad.

Having had 3 men at least, and now this random guy is living with him and his half brother.

Not surprised he wants out tbh

I understand your reservations but I think you just have to make him feel welcome and accept that this is his home too. Agree you need good boundaries around WFH, but he’s old enough not to need supervision so you can surely just carry on as you were, albeit with a new person to factor into the routines of family life. It’s nice for your husband and a chance for you and DS to build a stronger bond with him. Poor lad must feel a bit lost, 16 is a tough age.