AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

My advice has already been mentioned. To summarise:

1. Treat her like a princess.
2. Shop and cook. Clear up after!
3. Don't be an arse about it, cook delicious meals with calories. Just not junk. She almost certainly needs more protein than she's getting..
4. Ensure you talk more about general stuff besides kids/tasks/bills. In other words, have a relationship.
5. Say you can afford Mounjaro if she feels like trying it.

I love this. Your relationship sounds like a lovely partnership.

It is really hard to get partner to lose weight it has to come from them. And I’m not a person who bribes you can’t say anything or point it out. I do and expect the same from my DP.

but regardless of what you say you can’t force someone to move. And if you losing weight hasn’t spurred her on then there isn’t much else. I suggested MJ which didnt go well but 6 months later he’s a bit more open to it.

can you take over doing the cooking and start organising family walks and more active date nights? Get her a bunch of private or small session Pilates classes to build up her confidence?

Women very often don't lose weight as easily as men so YABU for comparing your weight loss and expecting it to be the same journey for her to lose weight.

I think your approach to your concerns come across a little accusatory. If I were your wife I'd feel shamed for being overweight. I'm sure she knows she is and doesn't need you pointing it out in blatant ways like telling her she'll need a mobility scooter. If I were you I'd take a more supportive approach and talk to her about it. Gauge how she feels about her weight and if she would like to lose weight and improve her health come up with a plan together to make it happen that feels manageable for her and you. Support her with making healthy meals, moving more etc.

Another vote for weight-loss injections.

My DP has talked to me about my weight
But only from the ' I can see you aren't happy about this, you don't seem your usual self, what support do you need from me, how can we change this?

And then - he listened.

Changes were made - he altered his schedule so that I had a few nights blocked off a week where I could go out and do hobbies (not just exercise) but socialise and things for me to de-stress, including some time to get counseling for some issues that I was struggling with.
DP was always good with his share of housework/cooking, its not formally divided up but we end up doing about 50/50 across the month, but we did discuss how to improve the distribution of tasks during my heavy work weeks, and he made changes to his shopping and cooking habits that supported my diet
We ended up discussing portion control and treats, and made changes together. We also ended up changing some of the ' collapse in front of the TV' attitude and put a bit more effort into spending time together and having a relationship, and being more present for each other and the children

Obviously I had to do the diet and exercise habits for myself but it was much easier with genuine support and help with my stressors, and really motivating for everything in life that I had a partner who genuinely had my back.

What he did not do:
Tell me I was a fat walrus eating myself into an early grave
Recruit my children to shame me by saying they would be too embarrassed to be seen with me
Moan that I wasn't following his perfect example
Give me a laundry list of changes and solutions without trying to understand what issues I was actually going through
Get stroppy when it wasn't that easy

Who is cooking and food shopping? Take over the cooking and shopping. If it’s not in the house then she can’t eat it in the house. I mean she might order takeout but that has a much higher cost.

Im on weight loss injections and my reduction in snacking is also having a positive effect on husband because I’m not buying crap sugar filled snacks.

WeightWatchers works if you continue to eat sensibly once you have reached your goal weight. If you go back to your original eating patterns, then obviously the weight will go back on again. My friend has kept the weight off for six years (she still uses the app for support). I have lost over three stone by using the WeightWatchers app, with still more to go. I need to keep it off as I have been diagnosed with metabolic liver disease, so cannot afford for it to go back on again.

Buy those injections for her

I think you need to first understand her better. She is likely emotional eating. These people cannot just ‘stop’ based on the logic it’s bad for their health. They know that already but they still cannot stop because they need food to drown out extremely unpleasant and scary emotions. This could be due to childhood trauma they have repressed.

On top of all then it becomes a vicious cycle, they are absolutely full of self loathing and judgement about themselves already and why they cannot stop and why they are so fat. They become completely depressed and demotivated.

Judging themselves more and especially perceiving judgement from their husband (I’m sure she knows you’re secretly judging her all the time) doesn’t help, it actually feeds the addiction. They judge themselves, they hate themselves, they then feel the need to eat to combat those emotions. Then they hate themselves even more.

So you thinking judgemental thoughts like ‘why doesn’t she JUST shop healthier’, why doesn’t she just go for a run, are not helpful. For you it is black and white and based on logic. For her it is all emotional. You also seem to think ‘if I can do it, she can do it’ but that is not true. She is obviously dealing with things you are not.

She is unlikely to respond to scaring her about her health. Just like a smoker or an alcoholic. Nagging from you, her mum or daughter will make things worse.

The only thing you could try is getting her into therapy. Approach it more from a ‘I’m worried you’re unhappy emotionally, would you benefit talking to someone’, as this is the root of it all. But you have to say it non judgementally and really genuinely care about her feelings. And even then she will probably initially deny it and get defensive as it’s a sensitive topic.

It helps to quote a message if you're replying to something specific. Otherwise it just looks like a plug for reform, and who wants that?

I looked at weight loss injections, discussed them with my consultant and we decided between us that I'm better trying naturally. There are lots of side effects to WLI. It was the possibile hair loss and bobble head look than swung it for me. You are more likely to end up with loose skin. At the moment, it's half of all users who put the weight back on and more, when they come off them. They cut appetite. If you don't make the food you do eat as nutritional as possible, you can become malnourished. They aren't a easy fix, although they are loved on here.
Does she talk about the pain that she is in? That's the time to talk about weight loss. I was in the same situation. It doesn't take a lot of weight loss for the knee pain to stop. It was the holiday/city break situation that spurred me on. I don't like SW/WW, they demonise bananas, but tell you to have a mini mars bar. I liked Michael Mosley's stuff. But she needs to want to do this. When are you due a next big shop? Perhaps say to her to meal plan together and cut out sugar. She needs low impact exercise, or weights. I wish my DP would offer to go to the gym with me, they can be intimidating. Ultimately I now see food for nourishment. My hair, skin and nails, as well as my energy levels, are back to pre menopause condition.

I think you need to approach it from the perspective of joint pain. You want to help reduce the pain and along with pain relief or anti inflammatory, a WLI would help ease the strain on the joints. Maybe she will be relieved you suggest it because she might feel ashamed or think it's too costly. Always approach as an offer to help. You also need to share the food planning and prep, set out a 50/50 plan. I don't think there is any point in suggesting an obese person goes to the gym or works out. Walking should be enough until she loses a bit. The issue is food.

Till she is ready to lose weight she won’t

I was obese - I knew I was over weight but didn’t reliese how much till I look back at photos now and think jeez I was a fat fuck

I only lost weight as having hip issues an doc told me politely to lose weight as that was the only thing that would help

sounds similar to your wife - pain. hips. Knee. Ankle

weight crept on with me. IVF. Contentment then comfort eating as deep down wasn’t happy in my marriage due to dh but I didnt releise it then

I went home. Cried and thought fuck you etx and was going to grab a chocolate bar

2w before that I had kicked dh out for drinking and tbh something clicked and knew I had to be healthier for my daughter 6 as only me to be there for her

and then I set my mind too it

previously dh had said I was fat /lose weight but then let’s have a Chinese and tbh I was happy the weight i was and he said he loved me for me

now obv I wasn’t happy looking back

so be supportive @HelpMeHelpMyWife but till she wants to lose weight and sounds like doing it half hearted if going /paying to ww but isn’t losing weight

help her by cooking healthier meals - to go for a walk now getting warmer etc

don’t involve daughter

The problem here OP is that you don’t want to tell us how much weight your wife needs to lose.

You’ve waved that question off as irrelevant but it is extremely relevant. How overweight she is dictates how easy it will be to lose and the best way to start.

Also, your wife is 51 - unless I’ve missed it I’ve not seen you reference the menopause yet? That back, hip, and knee pain your wife is suffering? It may well be partly her weight but there’s also a very good chance it’s hormonal.

Lots of us get aches and pains around the age of 50. We get tired, mentally and physically. It becomes MUCH harder to lose weight. Simple during and exercise often doesn’t work the way it used to - and that carries a lot of frustration. And shame.

Following the same habits as you might not be the magic formula for your wife. I’m not seeing you recognising that in your comments. We are not just small versions of men - our hormone profile and musculature is very different.

Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, but I think it would be helpful for you to understand it might be harder for her than it was for you. The fact she goes to WW suggests she’s trying to- I wonder if the fact you managed to shed the weight and she’s not been able to is a point of frustration/shame for her?

The conversation about mobility scooters seems a bit extreme. And your comments about not being trapped with someone who needs them don’t sound very loving tbh.

On a practical note, it may be that your wife needs to try a different approach. Keto was brilliant for me as it retrains the body to burn fat. Weight loss injections work for others. The problem is that this has become a sore point for your wife so it’s difficult to mention. I would wager that the slightly judgemental tone that comes through your posts is evident in real life, even if you think you’re hiding it.

I know you’ve mentioned about junk snacks in the house - is that the issue rather than bad meals? If meals are the problem can you start requesting a specific, healthy meal (as you say she’s the one who cooks)? Can you join the gym together? Weight bearing exercises will protect her bones. And I would try and raise the subject with her in a way that seems sympathetic, along the lines of “I know you’ve been going to WW but if you ever wanted to try the WLI to make the process easier, there’s plenty of room in our budget. I don’t want to see you having to work really hard if there’s an easier solution for you”.

Ultimately though she needs to want to lose the weight. And she’ll have a better chance of success if she doesn’t feel judged or shamed.

Does your wife often need to climb fences?

What does that even mean?

I know how she can shift quite a lot of weight in an hour or so...

Yep, I'll be reported and deleted now.

I don't really see that?

I think it’s lovely that you want to support your partner, sharing the struggle, healthy eating, exercise, motivation and success is a huge positive.

I’m on a weight loss journey myself, I was morbidly obese and have lost a lot. I think there is so much more to it in terms of emotions and behaviours than just calorie counting and exercise. I found out about a you tube channel for Dr Emma Anders on here and I enjoy her videos a lot. She now runs a clinic for weight issues - perhaps looking at the videos and seeing if your wife enjoys her approach might lead to an appointment for better care. I have been as I’m not UK based. I needed to lose weight for 20 years - it was only two years ago that I put my focus on it and I’m so hopeful with all my lifestyle changes that I can keep my weight at this level.

Good luck to you both, I’ve found life in a smaller body easier and more enjoyable.

If you read what he has actually said and the questions that he refuses to answer then it is clear that he doesn’t care about actually treating his wife well enough to help her lose weight.

Oh, just wanted to put the boot in then, I get it. 🙄

I don't care what this bloke thinks.

Seriously? And who would care for her then? As that is what is going to happen, he’s going to be her carer.

This. She could shed 12 stone just by signing a piece of paper.