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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

464 replies

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 29/03/2026 22:01

I'm male, stepping into the lions den.

My wife (51yo) is obese. There have been a few times over the years when I've suggested that she's destined for a mobility scooter or worse and offered her a few tips of how I managed to get rid of 3 stone and generally vastly improve my health. Needless to say it went down very badly indeed and I don't really dare mention it again. (Although I feel it's my duty to. A duty I am now shirking.) I've talked to her mother a couple of times and her mother said she's talked to her but clearly that has not helped either.

Lately she's had bad hip, knee and back pain, so my fear that she's actually damaging herself now. I know from my own experience that with 3 stone less everything became easier.

She does Weight Watchers meetings but that clearly has zero effect.

So what do I do? Mentioning it to her is out but something's got to change or she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)

I'm half tempted to say something to our teenage daughter in the hope wife will listen to her but that seems a massive thing to put on her. (Perhaps not as massive as a mother on a mobility scooter, or ill.)

On personal note I find the whole thing intensely frustrating. Shouldn't Weightwatchers be pointing out the health risks of being over weight? Or her doctor? When I started getting knee pain and a few other medical early warning signs it was blatantly obvious that losing weight and getting fit was the obvious first step and ten years on the benefits have been obvious. It's not rocket science. (Sorry about the last paragraph, I needed to get that out.)

WTF do I do? Or do I just accept it and try to forget about it?

YABU - "Mind your own business and let her make her own mistakes."

YANBU - "Do something to help which I've suggested in a reply."

OP posts:
MummyWillow1 · 30/03/2026 07:49

Ved · 29/03/2026 22:05

Good luck on here! 🍿You have posted this thread twice now, on 2 separate pages. Why?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/calorie_counting/5510166-help-me-help-my-wife

Edited

This is so weird. Why do people feel the need to highlight double posting? Does it matter? How invested are you in other peoples situations to even notice, never mind comment.

Iamnotalemming · 30/03/2026 07:42

I vote for not saying anything but actually doing something.

Do an online shop and meal plan together at the weekends. Say you are cooking a couple of nights a week and make somethimg delicious and healthy.

Invite her out for evening walks. Borrow a neighbour's dog that needs walking. Ask your daughter too and it can be a family thing.

Ask yourself objectively if you are doing your fair share of home chores? Feeling worn out by the daily grind is a big factor for women not having the time and energy to exercise. The more tired you are the more likely to snack.

pepperminticecream · 30/03/2026 07:41

Can you give her some research on why sugar and processed foods are bad for the children and tell her you’d like to limit them to special days out and not keep these things in the house? Maybe framing it as helping the children be healthier could keep things to a minimum.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 07:40

It's the husband's concerns which made this post- medically 3 stones overweight can be tolerated without any or much permanent harm- so yes the lack of motivation means it will have to be paid for, but if the husband is so concerned that shouldn't be a problem.

localnotail · 30/03/2026 07:39

As for shared activity - even going on a long walk every day would have a massive benefit for her. Make it time for the two of you, talk, and enjoy each other company.

Original poster
HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 07:37

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/03/2026 04:19

The problem here OP is that you don’t want to tell us how much weight your wife needs to lose.

You’ve waved that question off as irrelevant but it is extremely relevant. How overweight she is dictates how easy it will be to lose and the best way to start.

Also, your wife is 51 - unless I’ve missed it I’ve not seen you reference the menopause yet? That back, hip, and knee pain your wife is suffering? It may well be partly her weight but there’s also a very good chance it’s hormonal.

Lots of us get aches and pains around the age of 50. We get tired, mentally and physically. It becomes MUCH harder to lose weight. Simple during and exercise often doesn’t work the way it used to - and that carries a lot of frustration. And shame.

Following the same habits as you might not be the magic formula for your wife. I’m not seeing you recognising that in your comments. We are not just small versions of men - our hormone profile and musculature is very different.

Of course that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, but I think it would be helpful for you to understand it might be harder for her than it was for you. The fact she goes to WW suggests she’s trying to- I wonder if the fact you managed to shed the weight and she’s not been able to is a point of frustration/shame for her?

The conversation about mobility scooters seems a bit extreme. And your comments about not being trapped with someone who needs them don’t sound very loving tbh.

On a practical note, it may be that your wife needs to try a different approach. Keto was brilliant for me as it retrains the body to burn fat. Weight loss injections work for others. The problem is that this has become a sore point for your wife so it’s difficult to mention. I would wager that the slightly judgemental tone that comes through your posts is evident in real life, even if you think you’re hiding it.

I know you’ve mentioned about junk snacks in the house - is that the issue rather than bad meals? If meals are the problem can you start requesting a specific, healthy meal (as you say she’s the one who cooks)? Can you join the gym together? Weight bearing exercises will protect her bones. And I would try and raise the subject with her in a way that seems sympathetic, along the lines of “I know you’ve been going to WW but if you ever wanted to try the WLI to make the process easier, there’s plenty of room in our budget. I don’t want to see you having to work really hard if there’s an easier solution for you”.

Ultimately though she needs to want to lose the weight. And she’ll have a better chance of success if she doesn’t feel judged or shamed.

I have no way to know how much she needs to lose. I don't know what she weighs and I don't know exactly how tall she is.

Yes, we get aches and pains as we get older - and the best way to mitigate that is to take some of the load off them.

Are junk snacks the issue? I've always assumed so because he meals seem pretty reasonable to me, portion size and also swapping carbs out. The problem seems to me to be that having a small dinner she'll reward herself with chocolate. So basically I have no idea where the calories are coming from but if there was no chocolate or crisps in the house we could be sure they weren't coming from chocolate or crisps.

Gym seems to suffer the same issue that me suggesting any change involves - it's me offering my opinion on what she should do and that is exactly what hasn't been welcome in the past. But yes some shared activity with movement would be a very good thing. As it happens there are some shared family activities but they typically involve me and the kids doing the activity while she watches/waits with coffee and cake.

Lots of suggestions in the thread that involve me taking control of her calorie intake or shared activity and that's really why I posted here to get some tips of how to communicate that in a way she would cooperate with. The obvious one is to make it about me, but I've already been doing that for years, because I also need to get a grip on my calorie intake.

OP posts:
Autumn38 · 30/03/2026 07:37

OP I don’t think you are wrong to be frustrated. I think I would be too. However, she already knows how unhealthy it is to be obese, so nothing you say will make a difference I don’t think.

localnotail · 30/03/2026 07:37

Hi OP, I totally get your frustration but I'm afraid there is very little you can do. I assume your wife did not get obese overnight, she must have been overweight and overeating for a long period of time. You can get her to do something about her weight by nagging and having a go at her - and especially, please dont involve your daughter in this.

As others said on here, there must be an underlying issue for her condition. For some reason, she doesn't feel like she wants to lose weight, or that she can do it. All you can do to help her is to positively encourage her, support her and be understanding and kind. Its a lot to ask and it would not be an easy process.

Out of interest - why not try weight loss injections?

TheHungryHungryLandsharks · 30/03/2026 07:34

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 07:15

Everyone GP Weight watchers etc will be telling her she desperately needs to lose weight- but it's not translating into action. She should go to her GP and ask for one of the new injections, as will power and encouragement are obviously not going to get her 3 stones lighter.

The injections also require will power to maintain once you stop taking them. And quite frankly, if OPs wife is half as bad as he says, she’ll put the weight back on in a few months. That’s what happened to several people I know who took them as it requires no actual effort or change in your diet.

Plus all the other nasty side effects like hair loss or my personal favourite…acute kidney failure in someone who’s kidney function prior to taking them was good. Healthy eating and exercise is the safer and longer term bet.

No point being skinny if you still can’t walk 50meters without getting out of breath.

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 30/03/2026 07:33

IsItSummerSoon · 29/03/2026 22:09

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. But sadly I also don’t think you can change other people.

Agree with this. Good luck still. We always want the best for those we love.

Pineapplewhip · 30/03/2026 07:32

How big is big? Is she a size 16 in which case YABU, or is she a size 26?

I think you need to awnser this as the way you're going on its like shes a 26 - which is incredibly obese and dangerous to health. HOWEVER I need to check you're not simply a dick who's lost weight and now is getting angry at her for not doing the same because you found it "so easy". Some guys do really think a size 16 is a massive fat bus of a human.

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 30/03/2026 07:30

TY78910 · 29/03/2026 22:09

I mean pointing out she will need a mobility scooter probably didn’t help…

Sorry, wrong qoute.

NotEzriDax · 30/03/2026 07:30

Americasfavouritefightingfrenchman · 29/03/2026 22:35

I’m in same position. What my husband could do to help is to take over a load of the kids activity stuff that I’m constantly keeping track of and playing chauffeur for so I have a bit more time/energy. A lot of my overeating stems from stress and exhaustion (menopause not helping!)

You kind of have to be a bit self centred on a successful diet (not in a bad way but I just mean you can’t constantly be considering what everyone else wants & need to just focus on you) & I’m finding it incredibly hard to be that at this life stage as everyone including my husband has almost constant demands on my time and energy. I realise it’s my responsibility to say no but if your wife feels the same then not making those demands yourself and picking up some of them from other family members would help.

The very honest truth is that unless someone asks for help, they don't want it

True ... but you could set an example. Are you fit and mobile yourself OP? Do you do the shopping and cooking? I am in a similar situation. I do the Parkrun, shopping and cooking and more. I am on the slimming world diet myself hoping that the I can influence DW indirectly to improve her diet and improve my health and mobility at the same time. Good luck!

Mintchocs · 30/03/2026 07:26

Ved · 29/03/2026 22:05

Good luck on here! 🍿You have posted this thread twice now, on 2 separate pages. Why?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/calorie_counting/5510166-help-me-help-my-wife

Edited

Hes obviously concerned and worried enough to post a couple of times. Being in his wifes age bracket and being obese places her at risk of a lot of very serious health conditions including an increased risk of cancer, shorter life span, much lower quality of life (eg the joint pain she is experiencing which will get worse, lack of mobility etc). Of course he wants to intervene.

OP Ive no idea how you could tackle this, honestly, its no way for her to live but she has to be the one to take control of it. I appreciate how frustrating it is not to be able to help.

SilenceInside · 30/03/2026 07:24

@Boomer55 and @Laurmolonlabe NHS GPs have very limited criteria where they can offer WLI. The OPs wife won’t meet those criteria - for Mounjaro you need a BMI over 40 plus at least 4 out of 5 specific serious weight related health conditions. For Wegovy, you need to be referred to the specialist weight loss service, then work through the “tiers” of support, unsuccessfully, then on tier 3 you might be offered Wegovy. But many NHS areas will only offer bariatric surgery at that level, plus it will take many many months to get to that point.

If WLI are a possibility, it will need to be a private prescription rather than anything from the NHS.

whowhatwerewhy · 30/03/2026 07:20

Have you considered joining WW with her ?
you can then meal plan together.
I know someone who was totally in denial her weight was causing heath problems, it wasn’t until she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes she made changes. Like your DW the snacks were needed for the children excuse after excuse for her poor diet lack of exercise.
she’s now lost over 2 st and still going.
It might take a health scare for your DW to change.

Boomer55 · 30/03/2026 07:18

I thought, if health was starting to be affected, by being obese, that GPs now suggested trying the WLI’s?

If she can’t do it one way, it might work for her to try another.

But, unless she actually wants to lose weight, nothing will work.

Laurmolonlabe · 30/03/2026 07:15

Everyone GP Weight watchers etc will be telling her she desperately needs to lose weight- but it's not translating into action. She should go to her GP and ask for one of the new injections, as will power and encouragement are obviously not going to get her 3 stones lighter.

Aweekoffwork · 30/03/2026 07:13

You can waste a lot of emotional energy wanting someone to lose weight…my friend has attended WW on and off for 35 years and weighs more than ever now! Her weight is causing lots of other serious issues and Doctors and Nurses have warned her of the dangers, suggested diet plans but to no avail 😏

Original poster
HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 07:06

Whatwerewetalkingabout · 30/03/2026 02:10

Your wife is attending WW so thats a start that she knows there's an issue. If you can't take over shopping or cooking can you request a no junk food rule in the house to help YOU resist overeating? I can't have chocolate, crisps or biscuits in my house because I will mindlessly graze on an evening in front of the telly.

Also agree on the invites for a walk.

However please don't do what a PP said and stage a family intervention using your daughter. Please don't involve your daughter at all. Xx

Also don't keep banging on about her weight, just make changes in the spirit of your own weight loss journey without it being seperate from hers. I'm sure you can take over cooking a couple of nights a week or maybe set up online shopping so you can have some control?

WW simply doesn't work. She's been going for years and attendance at WW meetings doesn't seem to coincide with any reduction in calorie intake or increase in exercise at all.

I have suggested not getting the needless 'treat' foods in for.exactly the reasons you state - I graze on them too. That's always been a hard no. She regards treats as something the children "need" and puts her foot down. As you say, the fact they're there means grown up then graze.

OP posts:
Gardenquestion22 · 30/03/2026 07:05

Walking in the evening helps. You are getting a bit of a hard time here.

can you do more of the shopping and cooking? Buy and cook healthier stuff?

mydh lost weight which spurred me on. I’m still a stone and a bot overweight, he’s better than me at not defaulting to a carbs tea when we are tired,he’ll cook a stirfy or similar. He’s been supportive of me going to the gym. It’s helped.

keepswimming38 · 30/03/2026 07:03

You can buy healthy food options from M&S op. You’re clearly the type of man that likes to snipe from the sidelines and shame but won’t roll your sleeves up and muck in. She’s probably fucking depressed. Thankfully my DH and I share cooking, shopping and cleaning etc.

GarlicFind · 30/03/2026 06:49

HelpMeHelpMyWife · 30/03/2026 01:05

Because it's fucking ridiculous. If the topic of healthy eating is verboten to discuss then I can hardly take over the bloody shopping and cooking and cut out all the unhealthy stuff.

Yes, clearly if I took totally control of what DW eats at home that would help her (and would really help me because I wouldn't be tormented by crisps and chocolate in the house.) How do you think that would go down?

Show quote history

If your idea of healthy eating is rigid and all-or-nothing, that is ridiculous. I'm assuming you've got a reasonable idea of nutrition and what is/isn't healthy - but if you got it all from extremist websites ('health' or 'bodybuilding') then you need re-educating. If you can't cook, learn.

A very large woman has a higher calorie requirement and a much higher protein requirement than a small one.

There's nothing wrong with snacking. It's helpful to have more nutritious snacks available than Penguins. This doesn't mean no-one can have cake, biscuits, chocolate and crisps. It means having more fruit, veg, rice cakes, peanut butter, high-fibre/high-protein wraps/toast, etc, than pre-packaged calorie bombs.

The Weight Watchers recipes are pretty good, iirc. I don't like any 'counting' diet, but WW does work for those who stick to it. Do you think you could achieve a balance of WW eating with more creative excursions into both snack and meal ideas?

CarelessWimper · 30/03/2026 06:47

My DH is ten years older than me and unlike a lot of people on this thread, I have no tact. I have told him that I worry that if he doesn’t look after himself I will end up as a carer and that’s not what I want to be. I will 100% be there if it’s genuine but not if it’s because he doesn’t exercise and at 80 struggles to walk whilst I’m 70 and want to travel.

He has never been obese just cuddly but I have seen enough couples where one is mobile and the other isn’t and that isnt what I want. If it’s through illness or accident it’s different.

Peoples choices have an impact on others.

To start with, I would evaluate your free time and contribution to the house. Why don’t you and dd cook a few nights a week? Make extra portions as well.

I would wait until your daughter is out and gently talk to her and say you are concerned about her health and that the pain will increase as she ages and mobility will get worse. Ask if there is anything you can do to support heR and then listen.

Can you be more active as a family, can you try and have more fun away from food and the tv even a board game night and maybe now is a good time to reevaluate Your lifestyle

Idratherhaveafishsupper · 30/03/2026 06:31

As someone who has struggled with weight loss for the past 20 years or so, (I am approaching 60) you, nipping her head, won’t make the slightest bit of difference. Your wife needs a wake up call in order for her to take responsibility and change things.

I say this as a previously obese woman….
If she is buying chocolate, crisps and other high fat/sugar items, then probably she is in the cycle of emotional/comfort eating.
However, straight after eating she won’t feel good, but guilty and this leads to pressing the self destruct button as the damage is done so eats even more. It can be a cycle that she just can’t get out of for a whole bunch of reasons.

I imagine she knows deep down that she is overweight, she will feel disgusted with herself, her self esteem will be at an all time low, she will be self conscious.
She will feel absolutely SHIT deep down and her self worth will be in her boots, furthermore, she will probably feel like a failure.
So no, do not nip her head!

I won’t bore you with my details, but I had my wake up call 16 months ago. I had a serious think to myself and I invested in my first WLI pen and it has been life changing. I am 5 stone lighter and have 1 more stone to lose.

Discussion about WLI on the AIBU thread can often turn into a riot. I would encourage you to go to the WLI page to get an understanding of why people overeat.
People don’t over eat because they want to be fat, unfit, unattractive, unable to climb a fence, unable to wear nice clothes, have joint pain and swollen ankles and generally feel shit about themselves.
There may be an underlying reason that your wife has no control over, ie. A chemical imbalance .

There is only one person that can help your wife, and that’s herself. Until she realises this, nothing will change. All you can do, is look after your own health and well being and be a good example to your daughter.