AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance

What type of fence?

I have no way to know how much she needs to lose. I don't know what she weighs and I don't know exactly how tall she is.

Surely you can give an appromate in comparison to your stats or check her clothing size?

I think this is my problem with the post.

Very few actualities but heavy on the judgment.

I'd love to hear her side of things.

To add, I think this is a valid concern: "I've certainly mentioned how insane it is to have treats as an every day thing for kids. They get chocolate simply for getting home from school. It's just crazy and a terrible example"

I'd push harder on this & not confuse it with your concern about your DW. As their father, it's valid to have a say in their health. Tell her you are worried that they will have inherited your & your DW's tendency to put on weight, whether through genetics or lifestyle exposure. They are being trained to expect daily dopamine hits through chocolate. See if she will agree to no chocolate in the house where they (or you) can easily get it & a treat day once a week. You can then compromise on 2 days. But soften blame by saying it might have been reasonable when they were younger and all their friends were getting it & you didn't know you both had weight problems or it's partly your fault etc

If she's going to WW then your DW may also feel uncomfortable then buying just for herself and keeping a 'secret stash' plus it won't be in her face in the kitchen cupboard. I'd handle all this very gently & kindly, though assertively. Chocolate can be addictive and she may feel some shame about wanting a secret hoard & anger about you saying you don't want it in your kitchen. Keep the focus on this being for the benefit of you and the kids.

Agree it’s so important to model healthy habits to children/teens.

Including encouraging them to learn the simple pleasure of growing, preparing and cooking healthy food. Otherwise, they end up as adults who don’t know how to do it and reach for quick-fix ultra-processed foods.

UPFs (like mass-produced crisps and confectionery) should never be viewed, or described to kids, as ‘treats’. They’re shockingly bad for health and the environment.

Sure, no one’s perfect. And we’re all subjected to heavy marketing and advertising of damaging, poorly-regulated, addictive rubbish. But changing the framing from ‘treats’ to ‘junk’ can really help.

I have only read op's posts and I didn't see the deleted one in time.

I just wanted to say op, I think I'd feel the same as you if my dh were very overweight (and I'm a woman and a mum). I think it is selfish not to look after your own health when you are a parent (or at least try to, as much as you can).

The problem is, I don't think there's that much you can realistically do. Certainly, nagging her does not help.

I think the only thing you can do (and probably should) is taking over all the shopping and cooking. Your dw can use the time saved to relax, exercise, whatever (if the hypothesis is that she is overeating through stress then this should help). And you can thereby make sure there are fewer treats in the house.

You'll be accused of being controlling but tbh I'd rather risk that than let things go on.

I'd do it for the kids. They deserve healthy parents.

Stop eating any junk food then. No one is forcing you to eat junk just because it is there.

You can't control your wife. You refuse to cook or shop, probably don't do any housework or much solo childcare either. Control yourself.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife You are not unreasonable to want to help her but I am not sure you're going to be able to. Losing weight takes effort and commitment, so she has to want to do it.

I agree you could suggest WLIs to help her, but when she stops the WLIs she is likely to regain weight unless she uses the opportunity to commit to eating less and moving more long term. (I know it's possible to stay on WLIs longer term but that depends on being able to afford it.)

My sister and I have both struggled with our weight most of our lives, we're in our 60s now. I have committed keeping within a healthy BMI, but she is morbidly obese with severe mobility and other health problems. No one can mention her weight as she gets offended and refuses to talk about it.

Ignore all the people on here assuming you must be doing something very wrong because you're a man. I've no idea whether you're smug and superior about your weight loss or just expressing your frustration that you lost weight and she can't seem to. And I've no idea how much this is selfish concerns about her appearance & you becoming a carer or driven by concern about the health of someone you love. Let's assume the later. When I was overweight and my DH faced the same situation, there wasn't much he could say that made a difference as it had to come from me. Comments about future disability felt undermining and like I might as well give up. What can help a bit is you thinking about the structure of your lives together and (quietly, without comment) ensuring you do what you can to support health e.g: not using food and drink as a way to have a nice time together; suggesting shared physical activities; making sure she has enough time in the week to focus on thinking about looking after herself & she doesn't have stresses that lead to comfort eating; taking on some of the shopping & cooking; hunting down tasty low calorie recipes & teaching yourself to cook them; not rushing to help her with physical limitations i.e. don't completely leave her struggling but act as if it's normal to expect her to get over a stile without help unless she asks etc. And positive comments about efforts she IS making (e.g. weight watchers) will have more effect than trying to scare her. It might feel annoying having to make all the above efforts when you've already done the work on your own health and she hasn't, but don't forget this is a more complex issue for women. Our bodies store fat in order to be able to incubate your children, society often guides us into more sedentary jobs, domestic labour means we're around food all day and the social pressures around weight and appearance can make us feel like being big is a form of positive resistance. Losing weight is not straightforward for us, but you can do something by thinking very carefully about any ways your actions unwittingly influence her calorie intake & expenditure.

start cooking one or two days a week. If you can’t win the snack buying battle start taking them so there’s less in the house.

buy more fruits. You’re going to have to be a braver. If your wife isn’t up to fighting for herself right now you have to do it for her. You can’t control her or make her start moving. But you can’t have some control in other areas so do that.

make one of you runs a walk and take her with you. Start making treats fruits.

don’t involve your DD people will say don’t talk to her mum but mums can be honest in ways partners may not. Mine is and will also join me in exercise if I wanted a buddy.

keep thinking of it as you helping and supporting her but you do have to take control of some cooking and shopping. Get into it and don’t back down.

Definitely don't get your teenage daughter involved, it really wouldn't be fair to put that burden on her. Similarly, stop talking to her mum. She's your wife, you don't talk behind her back to others about her.

The truth is your wife knows that her weight is negatively impacting on her health. The reasons for obesity are complex - it's not simply that she's ignorant of the dangers. You can know the dangers and still find it very hard (for genetic, social, emotional and physical reasons) to lose weight.

Your post focuses a lot on what you think your wife needs to do, and not a lot on how she is. Is she happy? Does she get enough rest? Does she get time to herself? Who is doing most of the cooking and meal planning? Do you spend meaningful time together? Do you do active things as a family, like walking? Have you ever encouraged this, not from a 'you need to lose weight' perspective but from a 'Let's go on a beautiful countryside walk together'. Do you cook and eat together? Do you cook for her? Is she bored? Does she have hobbies, or time for hobbies?

There are lots of ways to support someone to lose weight and none of them involve repeatedly telling the person they're unhealthy. You would be much better off working to create an environment where she can thrive and be happy, with the mental space to consider making changes to her lifestyle.

I'm following with interest because my sister is the same. In truth we both are, but I'm on an endless battle to lose weight and mostly unsuccessful. My constant efforts have brought me to a size 16. Sis decided a few years ago that she was tired of trying to lose and being judged and her body was her business, she went on and on about body positivity etc. And so she went from maybe a size 20 to about 26, and is now morbidly obese. If anyone dares bring it up she gets all huffy and offended. One day a family member suggested a plus size shop, in the context of her complaining she can't find nice clothes, and she was furious, how dare they suggest she is fat etc, they nearly fell out over it. I bring it up sometimes in the context of my own struggles and occasionally she opens a little but only when I'm gaining, if I've lost a bit she shuts down or says oh but you are so skinny now. Which I am far from. I hate to say it but she really is delusional and it worries me. She has started to have health complications and her feet hurt so she cant walk anywhere. She is complaining about daily things that are all weight related but God help us if we connect the dots. I honestly don't know where she will end up or how bad it's going to get. It also causes arguments, two family members put me under pressure to have an intervention, they can't say a word cos she says they are skinny bitches. If I intervene she will cut me off, we live far away.

So yes OP I totally get where you are coming from and unfortunately don't have solutions other than suggesting WLI to ease joint pain.

Repeating my post from
last night. If you are serious about helping your wife rather than criticising her then can you answer these questions? Bleating on about healthy food and exercise is completely missing the point

It may help to ask yourself why you’ve side-stepped my question about your DP.

And instead talked about yourself.

Do you feel you work at being empathetic, sensitive, thoughtful and kind?

The Sergeant Wilson character you suggest you are upthread would never have make the crass comment you did above and certainly wouldn’t double down on it. Even Captain Mainwaring would find it beyond the pale.

This is a terrible idea IMO unless your wife is incredibly thick which I assume she isn't. She's been going for years and hasn't lost a jot so how is she doing fab? It would be completely obvious that you're being disingenuous and might well put her back up more.

I also think it's a terrible idea to get your daughter involved. This is not her problem to solve or take any responsibility for. She should not have this on her shoulders.

What you should do IMO opinion is try coming from an 'I wish I'd been aware of weight loss injections when I was trying to lose weight, it sounds like it would have made things much easier for me' point of view. You can then find out her opinion on whether they'd have been a good idea for you to see whether she'd consider them for herself.

Ignore all the people on here saying it's probably 'her genetics' and all the rest of it. People really struggle to accept that most people just need to eat a lot less than they actually do.

Climb over a fence?
Why would someone need to climb over a fence? I haven't done that since I was a teenager, haven't tried to.
Strange measure of being abled bodied.

Are you looking for a way out?
That's my suspicion anyway, your irration is a bit much, as is your willingness to involve your child.
Why? Are you looking for a way to blame your wife and get everyone on your side when you leave her?
I did everything to help her!

The problem with men saying it's easy to lose weight is often they can cut back calories to an acceptable level to lose, say a 500cal deficit and still have enough to eat.

If you are a shorter woman, cutting down calories takes daily food intake to a point where it's frankly miserable. I have to be perfect with compliance to lose weight, no margin for error at all.

Except it is. You make small changes to your diet. I’m not suggesting 5 gum trips and 4 runs a week. Just cut out some biscuits and crisps or a bit less alcohol.

Over half the adult population are overweight and so we can assume that many of the posters are possibly overweight or have food issues.Someone mentioned fat people in the 1970’s, I was there and they were pretty rare. So you will have been hitting nerves. Plus as a man your assumption is correct about the lions den, though I have seen planety of critical posts that receive support over fat husbands.

All I see is concern plus she will be able to do less as it sounds as if she is also unfit.

A future with an unfit and unwell partner who has done it to themself that limits life for everyone is frustrating. If it’s at the stage she is in pain then it’s getting there.

You can't personally do anything about it though. Just carry on maintaining your own health and fitness and if you want to do things in the future that she is incapable of well it wouldn’t be stopping me.

If the household is in a position to afford long term ongoing WLIs, statistically that would be the most effective option. Pissing away money on Weight Watchers is not likely to achieve anything!

OP you ignored my question upthread about your wife’s time for herself/chore distribution and I wonder if you don’t think it’s relevant?

The reason I asked is because I’m overweight, do want to lose weight as I want to be able to cycle/walk/not have joint pain etc. I know I overate because I was stuck on an absolute hamster wheel of caring for kid, caring for my elderly parents, stressful job, then all the usual drudgery of cleaning/cooking/admin etc etc. Frankly some cake was one of the only highlights in my day because sadly in the food environment we live in that is very easily accessed. Much easier than planning a run, or planning a filling protein filled salad for lunch.

Making changes take time and headspace and you could potentially do a huge amount in giving your wife that time. Or just asking her how she feels generally. If she has got pain that she’s going to the doctors for - that again brings you down. I really would have an honest think about how much time there is in your wife’s schedule and how she feeling emotionally.