AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

My suggestion for helping in a loving way. Don’t talk about the weight again, she knows. Make her feel very loved. Remember things. Take things off her plate (metaphorically, although literally might get the job done too!) encourage her to do things to take care of herself in general, see friends, dentist and doctor, go shopping together, spa days. Tell her about holidays you want the two of you to do together. Ask her what she is excited about in your future so you can both visualize it. Model healthy behaviors as much as you can. Do self care activities like aromatherapy evenings or sound healing workshops. Hopefully she will start to focus on herself and the mindset will change and she’ll come to her own conclusions about what changes she needs to make to enjoy her life more.

Why don't you do all the shopping and cooking, so that you're the one who has to use willpower in the supermarket?

This is absolutely true. I've been able to lose weight with diet and exercise ONLY because I've (finally) had the time and headspace and energy to do it.

You have to plan the food, buy the food, prepare and cook the food (normally this is all a lot harder if you're eating healthily and avoiding UPFs). Clean up after cooking from scratch. The fresh food goes off faster, so watch all the use by dates, and shop more often. You probably have kids and other family members to feed as well. They all have their own requirements. So do all the extra planning and buying and prepping and cooking and cleaning up for that, too.

AND THAT'S JUST THE FOOD.

Sorry, but no wonder women in their 50s are buying readymade lasagnes and oven chips and snacking on Twixes. We have enough shit going on in our lives. Work, kids, elderly parents, housework, etc etc etc - it all gets dumped on us, just as our bodies age and we struggle to get the right HRT. Good luck with those healthy eating projects. Good luck finding time for a walk or a run as well (which, incidentally, you will only feel safe doing in daylight hours and 'safe' areas, because you're female. No quiet footpaths or 5.30pm winter walks for you!)

I've managed it. But that's only because I'm massively privileged (in terms of time and money). And it's still been a big effort. Sorry, but I have to rant because I know how hard it is even with those advantages. Look at the burdens which are put on so many women, and think about how feasible it is for them to carve out enough time to care for themselves, when they already have to care for everyone else.

This.
Or you'll find yourself in divorce court.

Because that too much like hard work whereas words are cheap

Love her as she is and support her when her doctor suggests that she lose some weight due to her leg and knee pain.

Encourage your wife to see a doctor about knee pain.(without mention of weight).

Delight in going on a walk with wife of an evening after dinner.
Delight in going walking in a park or stately garden on weekends.

Buy water slide tickets for you both to enjoy Water Adventure Parks. Play golf and tennis together.
Encourage wife to walk your dog every second day.

You eat healthy food as snacks and cut out alcohol for yourself, except for special occasions.

Wife has to choose her own life.

I'm 10 stone and couldn't climb a fence 🙈🤣

It’s not about you wanting her to be healthy or not. She’s a grown adult, and grown adults are entitled to make their own choices even ones other people think are unwise.

If this was genuinely about supporting her, that would be a different. What you’re doing instead is trying to influence her by using your child to make her feel guilty, and that’s manipulation
not support Bringing a child into it crosses a line. It’s unfair on her, and it’s unfair on the child,

Your generalised comment about women, and the use of the term ‘handicapped’ is quite telling

Having diabetes isn’t sufficient to get you mounjaro on the NHS. At the moment you need a BMI of 40, PLUS 4 out of 5 specific health conditions, of which type 2 diabetes is one. But if she hasn’t got three others and isn’t that big, she won’t be getting it on the NHS any time soon.

OP, I am in your position in reverse. When I met my husband of 25 years, he was a healthy weight and I was morbidly obese. I have yo-yo’d over the years (binge eater, food addict) but eventually got my shit together. I’m still overweight, but 8 stone down on my peak, and maintaining there or thereabouts for a year so far. He, meanwhile, has gradually put on weight and is now obese.

I do not say anything. I love him to bits and it hurts me to see him eating all the chocolate and crisps and biscuits (which I no longer eat, so I have to cope with them being round the house). But I will not say anything to him, because I know how much I would have hated it if he had said anything to me.

Actually, that’s not entirely true. 2.5 years ago, he suggested that once Christmas was over we should stop buying so many snacks and try to lose some weight. I readily agreed. I did it, and he did not. And a month or so back, I said that if he wanted to change anything about how he was eating (I do all the cooking) then he only had to tell me, and I would support him as best I could.

That’s it. No more. He’s uncomfortable. I know he’s uncomfortable. But it’s got to be his decision. Just as my decision was mine.

If you truly love your wife and genuninely wish the best for her physical and mental health, you will educate yourself on menopause, protein and veg fibre focused nutrition and strength training / relaxing flexibility exercise, the need to feel cherished and supported. You will commit to taking on much more responsibility for food shopping and cooking for the next 18 months, you will enourage her to value her self-care and you will act with humility and kindness with regard to a situation you have never and will never experience yourself, i.e. that of being a menopausal woman with a patronising husband who needs to work on his empathy skills.

It took me about two years to lose three stone by going to the gym regularly and cutting out the lattes. But I am single and if I had had someone on at me about my weight, I am afraid they would have been out the door. It’s hard when you are working, parenting (single parenting in my case) and running a house to find the time for the gym, and to be honest, my housework has taken a nosedive because I prioritise the gym and pool, DC and my job now. There are just not enough hours in the day. But I know when I was still married, my husband would have expected the house to be organised as he wanted it to be.
So I do think the questions about what the domestic split looks like matter.
But I also think leave your wife alone. Support her in other things, make sure she is confident and has time to do things she enjoys. Enjoy the life you do have. And if her weight is a deal breaker for you, then call it a day. Certainly do not suggest she takes weight loss injections, they are a medical intervention with risks and should be a free decision to take.

Do you both work full-time. Is there a reason she does all the shopping and cooking? My DH does all the shopping and cooking in our house. He cooks very healthy meals from scratch and does not buy any biscuits or crisps etc. He is tall and slender. I have been obese my whole life. It has already been mentioned by a couple of people but I was discussing weight loss with my GP and was told that it is usually pretty easy for men to lose weight with a couple of simple changes to diet/ lifestyle, whereas for women,post 50, it is incredibly hard to shift excess weight without eating tiny amounts.
I don't know what to suggest other than you shopping/ cooking and showering her what healthy eating looks like.

With the greatest of respect so many women I know have husbands who lost weight through huge obsessive changes and joining gyms and talk about having no crisps and chocolate in the house. That’s not the way everyone wants to lose weight. I went down to my ideal weight in a new physical job by cutting down on crap and I was cranky and miserable and exhausted all the time. I am now up but lost by halving the crap I was eating as opposed to never having what I was craving. I’d parrot what others say, if you don’t help a lot in the mornings, if you don’t clean, if you don’t ask what would you like to do today or say you’ll do the evening stuff so she can get an early night- easing stress is a huge factor

Has your head been turned by someone at work @HelpMeHelpMyWife

And also this. Happy to let her do all the shopping and cooking and then complaining about it.

"she's essentially going to be handicapped. (In fact I'd argue she already is, she couldn't climb over a fence, for instance.)"

Since when are we judging people by climbing fences?! Wtaf...

Op, you say she's obese but she's at weight watchers. So she obviously is aware. She knows, but she's finding it really hard for probably complex reasons. And your idea of helping seems to be mansplaining (badly) weight gain and loss and the health effects to her repeatedly and talking badly about her to others. Really?

Weight loss is really difficult for lots of menopausal women. It's hard especially if you've poor mental wellbeing or are feeling otherwise burnt out. Or being put under emotional pressure...

I think you need to accept she's her own adult, she knows likely more than you about dieting and weight loss specifically for the female body, and while yes, you may worry about her, you can't control her body or what she does with it or puts into it. You are spot on the money that speaking to your child about it would be a completely inappropriate thing to do.

Why don’t you offer to do all the food shopping and cooking for the family and see if you can help make a difference to the way the whole family eats?

And their wives are always a size 14 instead of the size 8 they want them to be.

I’m assuming she wants to lose weight? Could you afford Mounjaro? (Or if she has diabetes she could get it for free on the NHS) Maybe asking her mum or another family member to talk to her about mounjaro would encourage to give it a try? I’ve lost 4 stone on it since May last year and am down to a healthy bmi. It’s dramatically improved my life, I’ve never lost weight with such little effort and never lost this much in my life! It’s expensive but it’s absolutely worth every penny, plus you save loads on money you’d have spent on food/takeaways

Yep Its always the same You also see it on the Relationships board where men have moaned that their partners havent lost the baby weight

You seem to be avoiding responding to my post OP?

To be honest, when my late husband commented about my weight it just antagonised me. I can only lose weight when I make up my mind to do it. If anyone else mentions it, I'm likely to eat more to spite them...which I realise is completely illogical.

It's always a very slow process with me; that might be the case with your wife, OP.

What do you do in the house @HelpMeHelpMyWife ?

You have time to run three times a week, you don't do any shopping or cooking. What do you do?

How overweight is she?

YABVU. Weight gain in perimenopause happens, and it’s difficult. It’s painful and weight gain happens. Rather than holding yourself up as an example, 🙄 maybe educate yourself about perimenopause so you can be more compassionate and supportive.