AIBU to try to help my wife lose weight? Somehow.

Why does she do all the shopping and cooking for the family?

I think there's an opportunity there to take a load off her while also introducing healthier habits for everyone.

@HelpMeHelpMyWife , my husband used to go on about my weight all the time but then he’d gone on about my not wearing enough make up and not wearing the ‘right’ clothes too all on top of telling me I was frigid because I wasn’t orgasming when he had sex with me with zero foreplay. For detail he also forbade me to attempt to give myself any pleasure during sex.
The thing is when he told me I needed to lose weight it just seemed to me to be another demand to satisfy his ‘needs’.
Perhaps your wife doesn’t believe that you really give a shit about her wellbeing, could that be true? If it is it’s going to take some honesty from you to acknowledge it and a whole lot of work on your relationship before she listens to your concerns without believing it’s all about what’s best for you.
If you are actually a really decent, loving and mature husband then how about talking to her about your hopes for retirement, where you’d like to go or what you’d like to do. Talk about how important remaining healthy is going to be so that you can do these things together then make a plan to become more healthy together, supporting each other, focus on health not weight; that is after all what you’ve said is your worry.

OP, I believe that you just want your wife to be healthy because you love her and want her to be around for as long as possible (and not miserable with ill health, if it's avoidable). Unfortunately, you and her mother have both spoken to her about it, and she's shown she's not ready to listen. I wouldn't ask your daughter to say anything, though she may eventually do so of her own volition.

As for what to do next, I don't honestly know. You could try telling her again that you're worried about the future and don't want to lose her, along with suggesting that WLI might be an option, but she has to want to make the changes herself. You could try to take over some of the shopping and cooking to encourage healthier eating... Possibly encourage activities you could do together that would slowly get her moving more... But I doubt any of that will go over well if she's not interested in changing her lifestyle. Ultimately, you can only control your own behaviour and choices.

It's not everyone's experience though, is it?

OP is, IMO, coming at this from a position of feeling superior because he successfully lost weight.

He doesn't seem to have much empathy and his words are dripping with judgment.

If I caught my man on here mouthing off about mobility scooters he'd be packing his bags.

Yeah, same.

She’s aware she’s obese I’m sure. So talking about it will just feel like you’re putting pressure on her.

And it’s her choice to live this way or get healthy.
But - you need to live your life in a way that appeals to you. Do you really want to be with someone so unhealthy they almost need a scooter to get around. It is far from attractive. In fact it’s pretty depressing. I’d cut myself loose from a sinking ship, personally.

Personally, I would say make her happy, go out more, do more around the house, cook for her once a week (something enjoyable to eat), compliment her, show you love her in a million different ways.

Then when she feels her happiest, most fulfilled and confident she might look to lose weight. Or she might not, but psychologically it will feel more possible the better she feels about herself. Factor in the potential for comfort eating and the gains in your relationship and what's to lose?

Yes, I said this prior to OP. My husband is incredible. He works very hard, is very successful and still wants to spend all his free time with me and our children. He does the dishes every morning and evening, takes the kids for full days out on the weekends so I can have a break (yesterday he took the kids all day and I napped, went the garden center and read a book and then he planned a date night for us and arranged a babysitter for our children).

AND, my husband also has the kids with him while he works out as I do. He’ll take them on runs in the jogging stroller or have them ride their bikes while he runs alongside. He brings them into our garage which we have turned into a gym and sets up toys for them or the water table. He cooks every breakfast and occasionally dinner (lately all the dinners as I’ve been too sick with the first trimester to be around food).

And yes I do everything else around the house and all the life admin and doctor visits, etc and I’m home with at least one child all day long during the week but when I told him that the laundry was overhelming me he offered to help (we ended up hiring someone to come for two hours per week to fold, iron and put away).

I say all of this because marriage is meant to be a partnership and when children are involved everyone needs to do their share.

OP, if you aren’t doing the above for your wife then you shouldn’t be complaining about her not working out. Make her life easier and happier and allow her the space to make healthy choices.

Small portions = calorie controlled. You don't lose weight unless you are in calorie deficit.

Don't shout at me because you don't understand that.

Gosh, I don’t know. I was thinking about this. There was a time when I was at the top end of what is my “healthy range” and I did have hip pain and a bad back. I ended up needing MRI for it but the only thing that actually took the pain away was losing weight (for my hip) weight training and working on my posture for my back (was sitting way way too much). So, I do think it’s possible that I’d have a lot of issues with my knees and hips and wouldn’t be very mobile.

having now read through the thread. I think you need to bite the bullet and tell us exactly how overweight your wife is.

I’m starting to get the impression its not like she is 30stone and barely able to move just that you are irritated that she has5 lost 3 stone like you did.

joint pain can be menopause symptom or more serious. If she was realy that overweight she would likely aleady have the type 2 diabetes.

Can you do the shopping and cooking? It’s the simple answer. Do some batch cooking for everyone. Fill the fridge / freezer so it’s healthy, and easy to grab/eat. Don’t buy the crap but buy loads of fruit / yoghurt etc for snacking.

So what are you going to do?

Or is this just another thread where you want someone else to change their behaviour but you are not prepared to change yours?

😂

Years ago my husband developed moobs and knowing how his dad developed diabetes and life long health issues from being so obese I stopped cooking fry ups and buying biscuits etc. until his weight was normal again.

If it was the other way round I’d expect him to do the same.

OP get involved with shopping and cooking, you’re right it’s less tempting if you don’t buy crap in the first place. It’s also important to feel satiated at mealtimes to avoid needing snacks etc. so ‘dieting’ isn’t necessarily the answer, more a healthier diet is needed.

I get your anxiety around her weight. No loving partner would want their love to become disabled if it could be prevented.

But you must deliver any support in the kindest and most supportive way. I was overweight and found that framing the situation as improving my health rather than losing weight felt more constructive / less judgemental.

Then it is something you can do / build together for the long term. Because you want to grow old together and keep creating good memories.

If you have the budget for it, I would recommend you both do the Zoe app. Following some tests at home, each ingredient / meal is given a score. I thought I ate quite well already, but my diet improved a lot and it gave me back just enough energy to be motivated to restart exercising. The other advantage it is enables you to both share meal planning and prep.

If she doesn’t lose much weight on Zoe, when she then tries WLI, she will know exactly what foods to prioritize for good health. You have to eat the most nutritous food you can manage on WLI, or you can end up really unwell.

You wouldn't be 'pretty much disabled' though, would you!

There are literally millions of Brits cracking on with life every day being 50 pounds overweight.

Is it ideal, no.

Does it mean they're 'destined for a mobility scooter' - also no!

Ok so im disagreeing with everyone on the dont talk to your daughter or mother point. I thknk when someone's out of control a family intervention is needed. Why should dh be the baddie here, the more her loved ones try to help (and yes, thats what it would be, gently obv) then the more someone takes note. Sometimes people have to hear things they dont want to. Its not fair on her daughter if her mam ends up disabled cos of her eating habits. Some life for everyone involved. Shes not listening to one person but she might listen to all, itd be done out of love afterall.

You said it yourself................he watches the kids

@HelpMeHelpMyWife wont even tell us whether hes willing to cook or shop

If this was my partner, I’d tell him he needs to sort his weight out for his own health, our relationship and our children.

I want a partner I can be active with for as long as possible, that cares about his health and appearance and who is taking reasonable steps to be fit and healthy. I wouldn’t be a carer for someone who had done very little to stay in good health.

I have a similar issue with a family member (close) she is obese and needs to lose a lot, she is only young so I’m concerned about her getting bigger and bigger, she is as wide as she is tall and I don’t mean that to be horrible but it’s really concerning but to tell someone they need to lose weight is so hard and upsetting for both included.

being your wife could you not broach it as in you’re concerned about her health (as you are) tell her it comes from a kind place and a place of love, it will sting but sometimes needs must. Good luck

The stats for a man leaving an ill wife are much much higher than the stats for a woman leaving an ill husband.

It’s also the wife’s responsibility to MAKE the time. My husband doesn’t ask to workout and neither do I. If I want to get my steps in and lift weights I just tell him I’m going for a walk and to workout and he watches the kids.

I also do things like take my kids to the park and walk around and around the play structure while they play. I jog alongside them on bike or scooter walks, I do squats while watching them at their gymnastics. I get the kids involved in doing yoga with me in their playroom. I let them watch tv while I lift hand weights that we keep at home.

As busy as we are as mothers and wives, and with our careers, there is always 20 minutes in a day for a workout. And cooking healthy food is as easy as cooking unhealthy.

I know it’s hard. I’ve had struggles after each of my children and I’m currently in my first trimester where working out and eating healthy food has been so hard. I also know that the year or two after having this baby will be me putting in a lot of hard work to get in shape again. But I also watched an aunt and an in-law die from their poor health choices and I don’t want my children or husband to ever have to watch me die from something that I could have prevented.

Weight loss injections would seem to be the way to go. They are great for people with no time or will power. I would just put it to her directly. "I've read great things about WLI, is that something you'd like to try?"