Neighbour and my child’s autistic meltdowns

Do you use swear words at home? If so, have a rule that everyone needs to use kind words. Talk to her when she's well regulated about choices for what she can do when she's angry as an alternative (e.g. shouting into a pillow - or even swearing into a pillow as a first step) to try and break the habit of swearing. Swearing will be something that she can't control when she has a meltdown, I completely understand that, but I'd still try and find safer ways for her to practice expressing her anger for her own dignity - even if it's swearing into a pillow, which will muffle the sound. Can she have a safe space that you direct her to when she's dysregulated so she can go here to express herself, so she isn't in the garden. I say this as a parent of an autistic child who also has loud verbal meltdowns.

Op its not your fault. Yanbu to worry but it is also out of your control.

Speak to your immediate neighbours if you want to.

Try and get her inside if you can.
I would be speaking to school ss she is clearly overwhelmed so can they build in more breaks and decompression during school day to avoid the cold bottle effect you are getting. Girls especially often mask a lot and this is the result.

Then I would look at post school routine and what you can build in to support. There is energy and overwhelm there to get out. Sometimes I need to have silly boisterous play with my youngest, plus sensory seeking activities then followed by chill. Quiet, snacks, a drink, literally space away from anyone no one talking etc. This can be really hard as we all have to give him the living room/dining room space and stay out of the way and be really quiet.

My child also swears he is pda so shock language is a feature of that and he has tourettes there is nothing we can do about his tics other thsn try and reduce anxiety.

Have you ever had an OT assessment to understand her sensory profile? That may help in unpicking the overwhelm and learning how to meet those needs.

Luckily our neighbours are really understanding.

Could you drown her out with music, unless that’d make her worse? You could write a note explaining to the neighbours that if they hear loud music it'll only be 15min or so but that its for a purpose? Might be a stupid idea though…

My neighbours child screams bad language every single day (I mean stuff like fucking cunt…) and they’re still in their house after 20 years
new neighbours and visitors are often a bit horrified but we explain, and you get used to it

Ha, you're having a laugh yeah? Most 8 year olds will have heard them by now and know they are bad words.

Keep her indoors and close windows. What’s her triggers? You’ll need to move her asap indoors

If she is only 8 years old, where on earth did she hear these awful swear words?

How kind of you to be thoughtful!

All I can say other than talking to the neighbours and explaining, is to take your child back indoors if a meltdown starts outside, or if inside, close your windows for the duration. If any complaints to the council happen, you can explain all the measures you've taken and surely you'd not be evicted because your little one is poorly? If you ever are, go straight to the local press and your MP!

I think you are worrying unnecessarily. You've spoken to your immediate neighbours, your child has a diagnosis, and they are understanding. Why would you worry about neighbours behind you? That is a worry too far. You have enough on your plate.

I hope this post helps you think about what you might be able to do help her with the school/home transition.

I have a lot of ND in my life with family & children I've cared for so I guess I'm 'ND friendly' & understand the challenges & would understand why it's hard for you to stop. It wouldn't bother me (except for feeling fir her/you).

Any children I had at my house would be dealt with age appropriately re repeating the language. Not your problem! Xx

you've told you immediate neighbours, I'd also talk to any others you can (such as the ones the other side of them)!'d probably talk to the ones directly behind me if they weren't scary/rough.

does your daughter have a formal diagnosis? If so, I can't see you getting evicted from social housing 💕 and I'd just work on trying to manage her transition & deal with any housing issues/complaints if they arise.

much love, it's hard 🤗

You won't be evicted.
I wouldn't worry too much about complaints either. Are all of the home housing association? I find there's a lot less judgement in them area. Less pearl clutching and more experience of ND. There might be some complaints but I expect most people will accept that these things are sometimes out of the parents control.

I can't see a housing association evicting you due to your child's autistic meltdowns.

I’d be looking to identify and minimise any triggers, for everyone’s sake (not least yours and hers). Meltdowns seldom come out of nowhere - there must be something triggering them, even if it’s not immediately obvious.

I agree with the PP who feels that any action taken to evict would be a disability discrimination issue. My local council wouldn't take action in a case like this.

How hold is she, OP?

How are they more likely to hear her is she’s inside and they’re outside?? That doesn’t make sense

Things to think about (I'm not offering them as solutions because they may not be applicable to your situation). Can the meltdown be averted by:
-reducing the amount of distress caused by school (more support)?
-reducing the amount of distress caused by the home/school transition?
For my friend's son this took the form of a snack at the school gate, straight home with minimal interaction then half an hour chilling out with his tablet in his tent bed before anyone even tried to talk to him/placing any demands on him. Another child might need to go to the park and run around wildly.

Ultimately poor girl, she's being overwhelmed each and every day 😟

Keep the child indoor and shut doors/windows.

Yes, you will get in trouble if your child "screaming and swearing regularly, she repeats fuck over and over with every breath until she comes out of the meltdown which can be 15-30 minutes several times a day".

I have a right to keep my children safe from this on a daily basis several times and I have a right to enjoy being in my garden with a coffee or having a door open to the garden without being drawn into this for 15-30 several times a day.

I have ND children. I know the challenges but they are not the neighbours'.

I think you’re right to be concerned as nobody wants to hear anyone screaming or shouting and swearing in their gardens diagnoses or not.

Luckily for you because she’s diagnosed the council are unlikely to evict you.

Also I wouldn’t bank on a letter or note making it any nicer or your neighbours any kinder. The noise at the end of the day is still noise and swearing regardless of why. Just as babies cannot help crying it doesn’t make it easier to tolerate though normally there is an end in sight.

is she outside when she’s kicking off? if so at least make sure she’s in the house with windows shut

These are autistic meltdowns?