DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

Yes, this. Some women make a huge fuss after giving birth, some men make a huge fuss after a vasectomy.

Neither, usually, require a drama. But, just support one another. The aches and pains pass.

Yes he sounds like a bit of a twat BuT fgs, you post on Saturday and he had the op on Friday…. At least allow him 48 hours to mope around feeling sorry for himself before starting a mumsnet thread whinging about him!

"My husband had it done , drove 90mins home then was up a ladder the morning after taking fairy lights down. I mean this kindly but he’s being fairly wet !"

"I was out from the hospital the day after I had one of my sons, and did the school run the day after that, with my other son I could barely crawl four days later, both similar births"

"I mean this kindly but you were just being fairly wet the second time! Did you crack out the dressing gown of doom too"?😉

Seriously, glad some people have empathy. Seems a bit toxic to be sympathetic to women after childbirth, painful periods etc but then tell a woman her husband is a drip because he's in pain the day after surgery

I never agree with people saying’ my dh had one and waa as doing x by whatever’- everyone is different and any surgery goes differently for different people. I was out from the hospital the day after I had one of my sons, and did the school run the day after that, with my other son I could barely crawl four days later, both similar births. Same with every surgery, dental issue, even cold and flu, and my attitude has been different too sometimes and my dh didnt act the way he definitely could have!

op hopefully it eases for you both, yes the comments weren’t great, I hate that what if you want kids thing

The handbag after childbirth reference was quite strange 🤔

My husband had one on Thursday. He did rest all Thursday afternoon / Friday morning with ice etc. But he got up for lunch on Fri then back to bed. He took the bin out then went a test drive in the car and picked up a couple of things on Fri night then took our 6 yr old to swimming and football yesterday morning whilst I took the other child to a party. So he is laying it on a bit!

I was surprised when you said you’d experienced childbirth…

I've got a friend like this. She's so unsympathetic when her dh is ill. If she's ill she just gets on with it and expects him to do the same.

If he had it Friday I'd care over the weekend and if it's still bad Monday morning I'd suggest a doctors Appointment as it might not have healed properly.

I can't imagine begrudging my dh an ice pack. He's not icing his balls for fun. Ditto pain meds. Snacks and drinks would be a different thing. Yes happy to get them but not up and down like a yoyo.

Brother sounds like a dick and my dh would have shut such BS down. Are you annoyed yours didn't?

Come on, It’s only been a day. I’m sure your 12 year old can also do some errands for him so you don’t have to do all the flight climbing.
I feel it’s a bit mean complaining about having to help him with stuffs and also him playing games to take his mind off the pain less than a day after surgery, minor or not.
He feels he needs fo be supported at this time, you think he should get on with it, less than a day after , not cool.
People feel pain differently, everyone else in the household just need to do the stairs climbing too and help

@bobthebuilder03 hope you’ve managed to get some sleep without running errands all night 🤣

In all seriousness, post operative complications can happen and everyone does have different pain thresholds - pain is extremely subjective anyway so I would firstly check that the swelling isn’t anything more than expected, he has enough pain relief, no evidence of infection etc etc

If none of the above then, I would as empathetic ally as you can address this with him. Just say you appreciate he is in pain and whilst sympathetic to this, him being very short / snappy with you isn’t helping his pain and it’s making you quite frustrated whilst basically having to do everything for him.

It may be that comments from his brother have nothing to do with it or maybe like you say there is a link. Most providers counsel men thoroughly on vasectomies and how unlikely a reversal is to work anyway and he would have signed a consent form so the idea that youce someone forced him into this is ludicrous - I would have been annoyed that he didn’t. Say thy at himself! in any case a few days or pain I’m sure is a better trade off than further children who would be unplanned/ unwanted or a future of abstinence. It’s not a competition but I would also remind him of pregnancy / childbirth and postnatal period

I was a little unsympathetic when DH had his and it turned out he hadn’t healed properly and was genuinely in agony. It was only once we spoke to a nurse about how he was feeling and she seemed quite concerned that I realised it wasn’t him being OTT. I felt awful once I realised.
He’s had surgery, I think you have to give him the benefit of the doubt - and he needs to tell someone if he’s not healing as he should.

My husband had it done , drove 90mins home then was up a ladder the morning after taking fairy lights down. I mean this kindly but he’s being fairly wet !

I think you are being a bit unsympathetic. It’s obviously going to be physically painful. It varies but men I know well it has taken about 2 weeks to stop being fairly debilitating. None of these are layabout types!

It is also emotional. Men are allowed to have feelings about it. There can be grief even if they feel overall it’s the right choice.

But yes he could plan what things he wants so you aren’t going up and down the stairs all the time.

How was he when you gave birth? DP ran around after me like a blue arsed fly tbh, and still does, pregnant again and breastfeeding. So if he had done that for us, which he will when were done, and you can see he's visibly Injured and hurting then I wouldn't be complaining about looking after him for a week in all honesty. It's only been two bloody days.

Yeah his attitudes abit shit but also, you both know he can't handle pain. His brother has belittled him over it.

Now if he wouldn't look after you after giving birth that's another matter isn't it.

Has he dragged out the dressing gown of doom yet?
Hope he mans up soon OP

Surely you are not comparing childbirth recovery with a minor outpatient procedure recovery?

OP, you don't sound callous. I’d ask him if what his brother said bothers him.

I hope he looked after you in the same way as he is expecting you to care for him after you’d given birth, OP! If so, he is probably not being too U. If not (which I strongly suspect is the case) he is being massively U.

I must be a terrible wife because I wouldn't have put up with the self-pity. I was only a month PP when DH had his done at a hospital twenty miles from home. The roads are winding, hilly and pretty bumpy. We stopped for lunch on the way home at DH's request.
Maybe DH had a higher pain threshold, or perhaps after recently witnessing my drug-free labour, and having a very young baby, DH wasn't at all like yours.
The surgeon told DH gentle movements were best for a smooth recovery and to take some ibuprofen. That was it. He definitely didn't punish me for a decision that was ultimately his.
I assume your DH decided to have a vasectomy because it made sense to you as a couple, and with your youngest DC being twelve years old that you've been together a long time, and he's had many years to affirm his choice.
We had a month old baby, but we'd been married 13 years at the time. One of the first big decisions we made after having our first DC was that DH would have it done because I gave birth. Perhaps your DH needs reminding of that.
Did you act the same after giving birth? I assume you never marched him to the hospital with a gun to his head.
I know it's uncomfortable for a few days, but really isn't (my three DBs and close friend have also had one) as terrible as he's making it out to be, unless there's a problem. If he doesn't need a doctor calling then he needs to stop now and he owes you a huge apology.
We're still happily married twenty years later, DH (and I) have no regrets.

I do wonder if there is a bit of ‘both of them not being at their best’ here tbh. The ash might be milking it a bit but theOP sounded very unsympathetic about wisdom teeth and they can really be very uncomfortable depending on the severity of the extraction.

I’ve had all 4 of mine out. 2 were a doddle, 1 was painful and needed good care but was fine. The final (and hardest one) hit me like a brick. I’d assumed the recovery would be straightforward like the others but the dentist was like ‘this one was proper surgery and a challenging extraction- you’ll be in pain and swollen and need to take it easy’.

My DH was in a lot of pain the afternoon of the vasectomy and the next day. Luckily he had it done on the Friday and Monday was a BH so was fine going back on Tuesday.. I'm not going to deny the fact that I'm sure it's bloody painful but so is childbirth. My DH had no real choice, if I got pregnant again it could have killed me so after what I'd been through he had the vasectomy. Hopefully by Monday your DH will be feeling better and be back at work. Presumably he'll start doing stuff for himself then. No-one is going to run round after him when he's at work
His brother sounds like a twat just ignore him and be glad you didn't marry him

I mean...fucking hell.

Is that what actual life is like for loads of people in 2026? Really?

I'm a fella - and an older one now, tbh.

I started coming here in...maybe 2008ish.

Because I like vaguely educated ppl having vaguely educated and informed discussions.

And I like messing about and taking the mickey.

But now, Mumsnet seems to be mainly about absolute dickhead fellas being absolute nob heads.

Yep, this is a women's forum, so I guess that on fella's fora there are plenty of tales of absolute dickhead women being absolute nob heads.

Are there really that many absolute fucking pricks behaving like this?

Fucking hell.

I mean, we all have our moments, but...Jesus Christ. What the fuck is wrong with people?

The problem is the stairs. Oh and his brother for saying those things while your dh is in pain. Can he not ask the 12 year old to fetch things? If you have an insulated lunch bag he can keep the icepacks in it. Is he taking codiene for the discomfort? In a few days he'll feel better.

This. I was up and about a few hours after having my first baby, but there is no way in hell I would judge another woman who might be sore or exhausted for weeks. Even the same person going through a procedure or birth twice can have very different recoveries each time.

She's not being callous at all, she just doesn't want to go up and down two flights of stairs all day long. And she doesn't have to.

"He's being ridiculous. My DH had his vasectomy just over a week ago, 2pm in the afternoon and went back to work (trade) the next day"

Be that as it may, some men have more of a reaction, perhaps the person doing was the procedure was a little less deft, precise in their movements etc. not to mention people recover at different rates and 1 to 2% of men suffer permanent testicular pain after this procedure

Imagine a woman was posting about being in pain after birth and some man on here to mainsplain "your being ridiculous my wife was fine after 1 day etc.".