Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP attitude post vasectomy driving me mad

195 replies

bobthebuilder03 · 29/03/2026 00:33

I'm not posting and running, I'll likely reply properly in the morning!

DP had a vasectomy on friday. he is in pain, I’m not denying that. he’s quite swollen and bruised and moving very gingerly. he has also openly said before he’s not the best with pain and can be a bit dramatic with it which probably isn’t helping how I’m viewing this. The last surgery he had was his wisdom teeth removed whilst I was pregnant with youngest and he was complaining about the pain and every part of it which was frustrating. I am usually sympathetic when he's ill though as he does suffer badly with asthma so I don't dislike him and in not being horrible and unsympathetic towards him

our house is awkward at the best of times. 3 storey, kitchen on the bottom, living room on the middle floor and bedrooms at the top so everything involves stairs. not ideal when you’ve just had that done, I do get it.

yesterday he mostly rested which I thought was fair enough. his brother came round (they’re less than a year apart) and made a few comments which rubbed me up the wrong way tbh. things like he’d never have it done, what if we split up and he wants kids with someone else etc. DP sort of laughed but also didn’t exactly shut it down. for context DP is 34 and it was mainly his idea anyway as I can’t use hormonal contraception and we were fed up with condoms after a false positive scare last summer.

today I went out for a bit and he stayed home with our youngest (12, perfectly happy on his xbox and doesn’t need supervising every second). DP basically rested and gamed too which again, fine.

but his attitude towards me is what’s getting to me now. he’s really snappy. I’ll ask if he’s ok and get “well obviously not” or if I don’t jump up immediately he’ll sigh or go “forget it then”. earlier I said I’d just sat down after going up and down twice already and he went “sorry for being inconvenient after surgery” in that tone.

and the constant asking honestly I don’t think I’ve sat down for more than 5 mins this evening. as soon as I sit it’s can you get me another ice pack, can you grab me a drink, can you bring snacks. I don’t mind helping but it’s relentless and he doesn’t think ahead at all, like asking for one thing at a time knowing full well I have to go down two flights each time.

I did say could you maybe ask for a couple of things at once or tell me before I sit down and he got funny and said I clearly don’t understand how uncomfortable he is and that I’m being a bit unsympathetic.

I feel like I’ve been quite patient but I’m starting to feel more like a skivvy than a partner tbh, especially with the tone he’s taking.

AIBU to be annoyed at his attitude rather than the actual situation?

OP posts:
ILoveDaffodills · 29/03/2026 08:25

Solost92 · 29/03/2026 06:23

How was he when you gave birth? DP ran around after me like a blue arsed fly tbh, and still does, pregnant again and breastfeeding. So if he had done that for us, which he will when were done, and you can see he's visibly Injured and hurting then I wouldn't be complaining about looking after him for a week in all honesty. It's only been two bloody days.

Yeah his attitudes abit shit but also, you both know he can't handle pain. His brother has belittled him over it.

Now if he wouldn't look after you after giving birth that's another matter isn't it.

This too

Katemax82 · 29/03/2026 08:23

His brother is a cock. All 3 of my bils had vasectomies and while my husband wouldn't ever, he never said any of the shit your bil said. The "what if you split up" is massively insulting. If I said that when my sister's husband had his vasectomy she would have punched me

ILoveDaffodills · 29/03/2026 08:19

Walkden · 29/03/2026 04:12

"He's being ridiculous. My DH had his vasectomy just over a week ago, 2pm in the afternoon and went back to work (trade) the next day"

Be that as it may, some men have more of a reaction, perhaps the person doing was the procedure was a little less deft, precise in their movements etc. not to mention people recover at different rates and 1 to 2% of men suffer permanent testicular pain after this procedure

Imagine a woman was posting about being in pain after birth and some man on here to mainsplain "your being ridiculous my wife was fine after 1 day etc.".

Exactly!

Blueuggboots · 29/03/2026 08:17

I’d be saying something like “gosh, you’re going to take a while to recover from this operation, we’d better not have sex for 6 months”.

ILoveDaffodills · 29/03/2026 08:16

RawBloomers · 29/03/2026 03:02

He's in pain (and known to be a bit of a baby about pain) I wouldn't read anything into his snappy demeanour, or his failure to correct his brother other than that he's in pain and not in the mood.

The asking for things every few minutes is annoying. I can see why, in being just post surgery, he might not really be up to ordering his thoughts and planning for what he might need. As a PP said, you could do some of that for him. Also, if it's not pain related, may tell him to write it on a list and you'll make a trip downstairs in half an hour and get him everything on it.

This!!

gamerchick · 29/03/2026 08:15

Did he run around after you like this when you had babies?

Tell his brother if he makes those comments again, that if he doesn't change his attitude then that day will come soon enough.

I remember my ex milked the snip and lay in bed for a week. I took stuff up for him but didn't sit in the same room as him in case I throttled him.

ILoveDaffodills · 29/03/2026 08:15

Focussingonme · 29/03/2026 02:43

He's being ridiculous. My DH had his vasectomy just over a week ago, 2pm in the afternoon and went back to work (trade) the next day. Tell him to up his pain meds and crack on. You have more anaesthetic to have a tooth removed. The swelling is bad but you are supposed to keep moving to help the blood flow, he's making it worse.

I am sympathetic but have had 2 c-sections, one under GA and had to get on alone after 4 days when he went back to work both times. Keeping myself and a newborn baby fed and cared for not gaming on my xbox. A fact that has been mentioned in this house!! Tell him to get a grip and his brother is an idiot.

It's almost like people have different experiences...

landlordhell · 29/03/2026 08:14

ILoveDaffodills · 29/03/2026 08:10

'A big baby' ???

FFS he's just had surgery on his most sensitive part.

Show quote history

It’s not that painful according to DH.

Tamtim · 29/03/2026 08:14

Bloody big sook. Try putting up with the pains associated with carrying a baby to term! Men really can be pathetic but are the first to complain when we women need a bit of sympathy or a break. What was he like with regards to helping out when you were postpartum? His brother is a moron.

landlordhell · 29/03/2026 08:13

CocoaTea · 29/03/2026 08:09

“When an acquaintance made similar comments to DH he said I've got my family , I'm not really into the idea of multiple children with various women. (The other guy is on wife 3 and has 5 DC across them).”

May I just applaud your DH for a brilliant comeback. Hope that acquaintance will think twice before making those kind of comments in the future.

Show quote history

Unbelievably my sister in law made a similar comment. We were in a happy, committed marriage and thinking about what-ifs just doesn’t come into it. Was the best decision we made. Sex was even better afterwards. Hope he can get past feeling sorry for himself soon and get to enjoying worry free sex!

ILoveDaffodills · 29/03/2026 08:10

StMichaelPenkevil · 29/03/2026 00:39

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. He’s being a big baby and hopefully this won’t last too long but he’ll probably milk it as much as he can!

'A big baby' ???

FFS he's just had surgery on his most sensitive part.

CocoaTea · 29/03/2026 08:09

TheCurious0range · 29/03/2026 03:47

When an acquaintance made similar comments to DH he said I've got my family , I'm not really into the idea of multiple children with various women. (The other guy is on wife 3 and has 5 DC across them).

DH WFH for a couple of days then had the weekend then was back at work on the Monday, he didn't cycle to work for a couple of weeks but I think that was fear more than anything. If he had it done Friday I'd give him a bit of grace Saturday it sounds like your house layout is the most irritating part

“When an acquaintance made similar comments to DH he said I've got my family , I'm not really into the idea of multiple children with various women. (The other guy is on wife 3 and has 5 DC across them).”

May I just applaud your DH for a brilliant comeback. Hope that acquaintance will think twice before making those kind of comments in the future.

Theunamedcat · 29/03/2026 08:08

Set him up a station with drinks and snacks also should he still be using ice packs after day one? The guidance has probably changed but it used to be only for day one....I think its been awhile

Tel12 · 29/03/2026 08:05

I think that you need to cut him some slack. His brother's visit has obviously upset him and probably magnifying his pain.

landlordhell · 29/03/2026 08:03

DH had vasectomy in his 40s. He had one day of rest…..

Bearbookagainandagain · 29/03/2026 08:00

Yeah that would piss me off...

But after 3 c-sections having to deal with newborns feeding and changing from day 1, I don't think my husband would make any attempt to be so rude and needy!

Some of the things my husband would do for the first few days to help that you could try: bringing thermos of coffee/tea and a couple of clean mugs, a few snacks in advance, he put a TV in the bedroom, meds etc were in the bedroom...
I still tried to move around every hour or so as recommended for recovery, but it was helpful not to have to go downstairs.

secretrugbyfan · 29/03/2026 07:58

Gingers are also known to bleed more post operatively than those that aren't ginger.

CocoaTea · 29/03/2026 07:56

SexIsNotNebulous · 29/03/2026 07:54

I’m assuming the poster is referring to redhead tolerance of pain being different (I’m a ginger). In which case they are mistaken as us gingers are better at tolerating pain, I believe it’s anaesthetic that we need more of.

Show quote history

Ahhhhh ok! Thanks I have heard of this before (from a ginger). Thanks for explaining - am a bit slow this morning.

secretrugbyfan · 29/03/2026 07:55

Pain, and how a person tolerates it, is very much an individual thing. Some people have amazing pain tolerance, some have very little, if any at all.

He is BU with his demands of you, esp around asking for things when you have just sat down (the example you give).

However, he's just coming into the prime post-op infection period (48 hrs after op) and if he has got (or developing) a post-op infection, on top of the localised trauma to the area it will not be pleasant at all. He should look out for increased swelling and pain in the area.

Make sure he takes the maximum pain relief he can have, and tell him that while you are sympathetic towards his pain, the way he speaks to you is clearly not acceptable.

And if he moans at you because you haven't changed the clocks quick enough this morning, gently grab his balls and squeeze until he apologises!

CocoaTea · 29/03/2026 07:54

YourSassyPanda · 29/03/2026 03:10

I’d go out or go and sit in the bedroom instead unless he was an absolute angel to you when you gave birth. I say this as someone whose capable adult DH was back in work (actual physical graft, not sitting at a computer) the day after his “snip”. It’s not a complicated operation these days and this is not a favour to you from him, it’s him taking responsibility for his own reproductive system as you have had to for all of the years prior.

“this is not a favour to you from him, it’s him taking responsibility for his own reproductive system as you have had to for all of the years prior”.

This!

I think his brother’s comments would wind me up much more than going up and down the stairs for snacks.

Just try to bring a tray or something with multiple things for him in each trip and take regular time outs in the bedroom as needed.

SexIsNotNebulous · 29/03/2026 07:54

CocoaTea · 29/03/2026 07:48

What do you mean by “hopefully he’s not a redhead”.

Show quote history

I’m assuming the poster is referring to redhead tolerance of pain being different (I’m a ginger). In which case they are mistaken as us gingers are better at tolerating pain, I believe it’s anaesthetic that we need more of.

CocoaTea · 29/03/2026 07:48

BreakingBroken · 29/03/2026 00:59

Sounds like poor pain control. What’s he taking? And hopefully he’s not a redhead?

What do you mean by “hopefully he’s not a redhead”.

Sartre · 29/03/2026 07:47

My DH irritated me after his as well. I was fully sympathetic for the first few days but after maybe 4/5 days of his whinging and limping around I grew impatient and told him to get on with it. I’m sure it is sore but not as bad as childbirth and the after effects, that’s for sure!

His friend also made the remark about children with other women btw which DH immediately shot down.

DiamondJones · 29/03/2026 07:47

It’s not the fact that he’s in pain and moping around, nor that he is needing a bit of help. It’s the way he is speaking to his wife. He is treating her like shit and there’s no need for it. I would make it clear that he either starts treating and speaking to you a bit more nicely, or he can fuck off and look after himself. You’re not his maid, not his nurse and not his emotional punchbag. Pain is not an excuse to be an arsehole to the person who is running around doing everything for you.

BoogieTownTop · 29/03/2026 07:39

Focussingonme · 29/03/2026 02:43

He's being ridiculous. My DH had his vasectomy just over a week ago, 2pm in the afternoon and went back to work (trade) the next day. Tell him to up his pain meds and crack on. You have more anaesthetic to have a tooth removed. The swelling is bad but you are supposed to keep moving to help the blood flow, he's making it worse.

I am sympathetic but have had 2 c-sections, one under GA and had to get on alone after 4 days when he went back to work both times. Keeping myself and a newborn baby fed and cared for not gaming on my xbox. A fact that has been mentioned in this house!! Tell him to get a grip and his brother is an idiot.

In fairness I think experiences differ, my DH was much the same as yours, my DB was in a lot of pain and had to return to the hospital due to excessive swelling.

It’s the same as childbirth, some women up and about after a few hours, others a few days.

It’s was only 24 hours yesterday.

Swipe left for the next trending thread