AIBU to still be upset about my DH behaviour during the birth of our DS (now 9 months later)

You haven't got past this because it wasn't a one-off, out of character, event. If it had been an extraordinary time in your lives and he had subsequently apologised profusely and done his best to show you every day that he is a better husband and father than that, you'd have moved on. But his behaviour at and after the birth set the tone for the kind of husband and father he was going to be and the relationship you were going to have and you are living with that now. He let you down dramatically that week, when you were at your most vulnerable, but has played out versions of it - utter selfishness, not caring about your needs, deciding what's right for your DS without consulting you - every day since.

Also he's not a 'great dad' - he's an ok dad. A great dad would come home from work and sit with him because he has missed him all day and wants to be with him, and run his bath and read him stories, and then work together with you to get everything done that needs to be done. He would certainly not do it as a favour to you so that you can can get on with preparing his dinner or washing his clothes.

Maybe start with couples therapy for your sake? Although obviously he should pay half. Perhaps if he understands the stakes - that you don't know if you can remain in the relationship - it will push him to take part? If he shows he can acknowledge your feelings and do the hard work required to change, then great. And if not, then you will feel more confident taking whatever steps you have to take to end the relationship because you'll know you did everything you could to make it work.

But at the same time, don't be on the back foot. If there is even a chance that you might end up separating, take legal advice early, have a plan, think through what you would do.

So sorry op. You are meant to be a team. Can you envisage spending decades with this man?

Can't believe that, my husband literally couldn't do more for me in pregnancy, birth and after, and in general really. Is yours usually a selfish prick? It's such a huge life changing time to give birth, momentous I'm a woman's life! You should have been supported, I'm actually amazed men like this exist, that they can see their supposed love one going through it and just act like this.

I dont know why you think women can handle it but men are unable to. A woman just has to get on with it as the baby is coming out of her body. Even the most squeamish man just has to toughen up as it's their role to look after the mother of their child who is otherwise engaged with childbirth. And the man needs to not think about himself and his own needs for a while. A decent father can do that, support the mother and look after the child. Why is it always the mother that has to be the one that does everything.

I think you need to leave OP.

From what you have said about how spiteful he is, it won't be easy and his previous behaviours suggest he will be angry and try very hard to hurt and disadvantage you in a split. That means you need to prepare carefully to leave on your terms and you'll probably need to go and stay with family if there is space to do so.

His comments about the baby's development, feeding etc shows he thinks he is the main person in the family. You are there to serve his needs and DS must be a perfect reflection of him and his ego. When you are struggling that is unacceptable similar to a broken household appliance in his mind and the biggest problem when you are suffering is the inconvenience to him.

He didn't even want to share costs related to your child without an argument!

In my opinion, yes, most men are useless sacks of shit when in a maternity ward. I am sick of them being underfoot. This is an observation not an excuse.

Yes, me too.

I'm very glad I chose not to have men or children in my life.

😅 lovely display of open mindedness. Good thing you aren’t a psychiatrist as you’d have sectioned everyone you came across with a different opinion.

Years of observation has told me that they can’t handle it. Utterly bizarre you think going to war or working as a fireman means you can handle childbirth. You kind of have to be a woman to handle childbirth.

It is fine she did not want to be separated from her baby for a few hours, but that was a choice. Either choice is normal and healthy for a mum of a newborn. We aren’t connected by an umbilical cord to our newborns, we can take a break for a few hours.

You sound quite psychotic.

@IrishSelkie are most shit? Is that down to crap parenting, people making excuses for the poor little men. I would be ashamed of DS if he was a crap partner at her most vulnerable time

I’d be making plans to split up. Going through a major challenge like having a baby or ill health is a big test of a relationship and it might raise issues that haven’t been obvious before. He has shown you he’s not going to be there for you when the chips are down so I just wouldn’t be able to stay with someone like that

I don’t know any pathetic male worms, I have just seen them hanging about the maternity ward as the useless sacks of shit they are. Making labouring women and new mums uncomfortable.

Saying she should have just refused and stayed home is not blaming her!! It’s saying she had a choice she was not forced to go.

Even the family who laugh his behaviour off say, 'that's just him', so listen to them. This is him, OP, he won't change. If you don't want to spend your whole life this way, feeling the way you do, start planning and working towards leaving and finding a better way to live. It doesn't have to be right now.

Yes I know my view is old fashioned, but honestly, you let men in then act all suprised when most are absolute shit. Can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Bizarre! I said men do not belong on maternity wards or bedside during childbirth. That isn’t making excuses for them, that is me saying they all need to get the fuck out because most are useless. I don’t care about your Nigel being wonderful.

Mother and baby units should be limited to females only.

In addition, men rampaging in on midwifery and taking it over as a male profession was one of biggest disasters ever in human history.

Of course she had every right to refuse to go to the in-laws, I backed her up on that and said why did you go?

Yes, you can’t change the past. All you can do is apologise and I was asking how he is now. Has he made amends?

He sounds like a man who wants a wife and child to flex to the other men rather than a man who wants to be a husband and a father. I say man but he sounds like my 14 year old on his phone or gaming all the time and moaning about having to go on a family day out to the farm.

Sorry op but eventually you will have enough and leave him and your ds will be looked after by his mum or a new gf - he won’t be rolling his sleeves up. As a bare minimum stop this bullshit about paying for ds - you are married and everything should be shared and he should be paying more than you whilst you’re on mat leave. And he wants you to pay for marriage counselling? Total knobcheese.

I don’t think I could forgive this, sorry OP. I’d be forever resentful.

Please please leave him. Please.

I’m really sorry to read all this and I hope you are ok. I have to say your DH’s behaviour while you give birth was completely unacceptable. It wasn’t a one off moment where he got things wrong but rather sustained selfish, cruel and uncaring behaviour. His focus throughout was himself and instead of showing care, he tried to exhert power when you are already in a vulnerable state during the birth process and after as a new mum. You said he can be ‘spiteful’ but then apologises after. I don’t think it’s ok for your partner to be regularly spiteful towards the woman he’s supposed to love. Saying sorry afterwards doesn’t remove the fact that there was no need to for it in the first place. Any kind of ‘oh that’s just what he’s like’ nonsense is just condoning unacceptable behaviour which is not hard to do with you’re not living with it. He is an adult. He knows being spiteful is not ok. He knows that if someone is in pain you put them first even if you are ‘tired’. These are such fundamental things that I don’t think you can do much with a man that doesn’t get that. So I am afraid I do think you need to leave him. I know that’s scary and now is not the time to figure out the whole when and how but know that that’s what you need to do. If a child of yours said this was how their partner treated them, I think you’d be worried. Small steps. Let the idea sit for a while and then you can be practical. He may well put up a fight re your child but I very much doubt in the end he’ll be asking for much because that would require effort from him and I don’t think he's a man that puts anyone’s needs above his own. Any ‘fight’ will be more about power than anything else. I send you hugs and wish you well. You deserve much more than this. And I think life will feel lighter and brighter without this moany deadweight. Whatever you do, do it carefully and with real life support so you and the baby remain safe. Good luck.

I doubt he’ll insist on huge amounts of contact, OP, coz it sounds like he can’t be bothered. Would rather harangue and undermine you from the sidelines. At least if you kicked him out, you’d have a better ‘contribution’.

There is lots of good advice here but you know you have nothing to stay for. I had one like this, down to the insisting I see his family whilst torn to bits and sobbing. I left him. My other children have a real good dad. You know that the first job of a real good father is supporting the woman who birthed his children, right? If he did that at a time where you were terrified and in physical danger, there is NO time you can rely on him, is there? He’s not your partner in any way, and I promise you’ll be happier without this ‘man’.

I honestly would never forgive him. What a selfish fucking poor excuse for a man.

You are unreasonable for not divorcing this utter prick. Where the fuck is your self respect? I'd have gone absolutely nuclear several paragraphs ago! He is a selfish, inconsiderate, cold, heartless, useless cunt and you absolutely should not be putting up with him.

I'm glad your midwife put him in his place and I have no idea how your family have resisted punching him.

A man who couldn’t bothered to be there when your baby was born isn’t going to want to spend time with him so don’t let that hold you back op. You have support, finances and all the reasons to leave.

For now I think you just need to make a decision not to make a decision. You are only 9 months post birth.

I understand your worries about divorcing and how he would make it so difficult, but the way you describe him and your relationship, these type of man babies usually end up looking elsewhere anyway. I know it sounds harsh, but this could honestly be the best scenario here.