SORRY ITS A LONG ONE
My relationship with DH hasn’t felt the same since the birth. I know relationships change after a baby and hormones play a part, but I feel like I can’t move past how unsupported I felt during labour. He says I should get over it because he’s apologised, but it feels more like an apology to shut me up than real understanding. I’m also questioning whether I’m overreacting and things weren’t actually that bad.
From first contractions to birth was around 42 hours. Baby was back-to-back so labour was very slow and extremely painful. Due to slow progression I went home the first night to labour. I was awake all night contracting and in agony. DH doesn’t function well when tired and I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I went into the front room overnight to labour alone so I didn’t disturb him. At the time I didn’t mind.
Early the next morning I woke him and said we needed to go back to hospital. Before getting in the car he asked to smoke. I said please no as I was in so much pain. We set off, then just before the hospital he pulled over, got out and had a cigarette while I contracted in the car.
At hospital I was only 2cm. I was given pethidine so I could rest between contractions. Each time I woke with a contraction I held onto him, but after a few times he told me I needed to manage them myself because he was tired. He kept talking about how tired he was. I messaged my sister to come as I felt like I was annoying him. When she arrived he went home to shower but was gone 5 hours — he’d gone home to sleep.
While he was gone the pain became unbearable and the hospital couldn’t locate a doctor to sign off pain relief for four hours. My mum had to go to our house and tell him to come back. By the time he arrived they were preparing the epidural. At this point I had been in labour for nearly 40 hours and was 9cm. I was so distressed they had to restrain me for the epidural.
Eventually baby was delivered with instrumental help and an episiotomy. Afterwards we were moved to a ward and DH repeatedly complained about being uncomfortable on a plastic chair while I was lying there with a tear and episiotomy. Two hours later he went home to rest.
I then developed an infection and couldn’t walk or get out of bed. To give credit, when he came back he did look after baby overnight while I physically couldn’t move. But when midwives moved me to a chair he got into the hospital bed to sleep. It didn’t bother me at the time but staff and other mums’ reactions made me feel embarrassed.
Recovery at home was rough. I could barely walk, had infection, hormonal drop, feeding issues (later found to be tongue tie). DH put a lot of pressure on me to breastfeed even though I was in pain and struggling to even sit comfortably. During a home visit the midwife was reassuring me that lots of people are unable to breastfeed and that it doesn’t always work out. DH was standing in the corner repeatedly saying things like “but breastfeeding is best” and “but she should keep trying.” The midwife actually turned to him quite sharply and said words to the effect of “breastfeeding has to work for the mother before it can work for the baby, and right now it clearly isn’t working.” I burst into tears because I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed that even the midwife had picked up on the pressure he was putting on me.
On day 5 we went to the health visitor. On the way home he insisted we go to his mum’s where all his siblings and their children were already gathered and the house was full. I said I wasn’t ready, I was still in pain and just wanted to go home. He got angry and said my mum had been around the baby every day so why was it okay for my family but not his. I tried to explain that my mum wasn’t visiting the baby — she was there to look after me while I recovered, help me get up, sort food, and support me while I was struggling physically and emotionally. He didn’t accept this and said he would just drop me off at home and take the baby himself. I didn’t want to be separated from my 5 day old so I went, crying in the back of the car.
Before we went in I explained I’d been taking laxatives, my bowels were unpredictable and I felt embarrassed using the toilet there with a full house. We agreed that if I texted him to say I needed to go, we would leave straight away. We ended up staying about 5 hours. I texted him saying I was in pain, my stomach was gurgling and I needed to go, but he made me wait another 40 minutes before we left.
Overall I just feel like he didn’t meet my needs as a person in pain, let alone his wife. This behaviour was very out of character which is why I’m second guessing myself. Much more has happened since this as well, including me going through PPD and having to leave home to stay with family for support because I wasn’t getting it at home, but this post is already long enough.
I’ve spoken to friends about this who completely agree with how I feel, but I don’t know if they’re being biased because they’re my friends. I’ve also mentioned smaller parts of this (like him stopping for a cigarette and telling me to manage contractions on my own) to some of his family, and it was laughed off with comments like “that’s just men” which has made me question myself even more.
So AIBU? Am I right to still feel hurt by this 9 months later, or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?