Wedding Aftermath

They aren't your children's family, there was no need for them to invite them. You were your husband's +1! Honestly people like you are why we had a no children no +1 wedding!

Do your kids see much of the bride and groom and the extended family? I don't understand why they'd want to go, weddings are boring unless you know a good number of people there.

Guestzilla!

All a bit unnecessary and embarrassing. If you felt uncomfortable attending without DCs you should have just declined, and made it clear to your dh that you didn’t want him to put pressure on the bride and groom to extend invites.

Sounds like you would have had a better time if you left your kids with their dad and you enjoyed the wedding without them

did they even want to go?

I never understand why people are obsessed with their kids being invited to weddings tbh

I can’t image your children woukd have enjoyed the wedding. Probably would have enjoyed being with friends or other family much much more. Your husband was very wrong to ask for an invite for 2 more children. Weddings are so so expensive.

At my wedding I put all the children on one table. They all seemed to quite like it, plenty of fun stuff going on there as well.

I never knew. Not saying that children are deemed less important but your description of this custom brought this to my mind. >>

At Jewish weddings children generally sit separately, it’s just normal practice. I understand this isn’t what happened here however I reckon they had the seating plan fixed and added your DC on late so slotted them where they could. Do they know your DC well? I probably would have asked to swap with someone on their table.

This.

For those who say 17 yo old stepson shouldn't have been asked to swap seats - the OP is married to his Dad - it’s not unreasonable to assume the two boys (step-siblings) get on.

He didn’t want to so the OP sat with her 9 yo (!) DD - I think at that young an age it’s natural for her to miss her Mum at an occasion with lots of strangers, in a place that’s unfamiliar to her. Some posters here should try and find a bit of empathy for that little girl!

As the poster I quoted (as well as many others) suggested: you should have stayed home with your kids. Ignore any sarcastic comments from your sister-in-law. If she persists just tell her that you’re not interested in her opinion. Put your family first.

feel as though now people start with what the venue/meal/dress/honeymoon etc etc that they want to post on SM and then fit the list to suit, rather than thinking whom do we invite and then what lovely thing can we manage for that list.

and I feel that’s how a wedding should be, if you are only planning the one.. and paying for it! Have the wedding you want rather than thinking “gosh what would Auntie Jackie’s sisters brother boy want to see at our wedding? They’re the important ones!”
no one says if you plan an anniversary or birthday party “this isn’t to be what you like or want, it’s to be what the guests want”!

Do they even know though? I wasn't sure who was involved ...

Is the daughter who kept getting up your 9 year-old or your 12 yr-old? Why wasn't she happy to be with her sibling and keep coming up to you?

If I was you OP I'd reach out and apologise to bride and groom. They made a big amendment to add your two children, that's two additional meals and table arrangements, and then at the wedding your children were acting up enough to require one of the staff to have a word. Then you caused more interruption and switched seats.

My Mother's favourite wedding was held in the bride's father's barn and was a barn dance with a spit roast and fresh bread. It was decorated with meadow flowers.

I've not to been to so many in recent years as my cousins/friendship group is "between" weddings: most of us have had ours, but our dc are still quite some way off.

I do remember a few dramas, but, even when I was getting married, there was more etiquette and less Bridezilla nonsense than I think there is now. I think it is the wedding industry that has muscled in and warped what should be a simple celebration of a coming together of two families and turned it into the massive financial investment that Must Not Go Wrong and Must Have Not a Hair or Fork Out of Place On Insta.

In my day, yes, there were some lovely weddings, but mostly the parents paid, and they paid what they could afford within reason, and cut their cloth so there was less of a snipping and pruning process when it came to the guest list. I feel as though now people start with what the venue/meal/dress/honeymoon etc etc that they want to post on SM and then fit the list to suit, rather than thinking whom do we invite and then what lovely thing can we manage for that list.

MN has put me right off ...

@Girrafffees87832 It was the bride and groom's wedding.
We don't know how closely related they are.

Not twats.

Mathsdebator
Unless NT your childrena are 9 and 12. Old enough to sit at a table in the same room as you. You should have told her to sit down.

Even as an adult sitting at a table with strangers at a wedding can be awkward- I wouldn’t think it a big deal for kids to want to be with their mum. I think part of a reason people find weddings tough is all the etiquette rubbish- quick sit down, now move here, quick! Now shush everybody! It’s all so awkward!! Op it would probably have been easier if you’d dh hadn’t been nice enough to speak to them (yes I get that that is a conflicting statement!)

I felt weird going to a wedding with my stepchildren without my own children

Surely when you decide to blend families you accept that these sorts of situations will occur from time to time?

I don't think anyone has covered themselves in glory here, to be honest.

Declining an invitation on the basis that your DC aren't invited, even though they're not directly related to the B&G and you have plenty of childcare options, is a bit petty.

Your DH was also unreasonable to say anything to the Groom. It doesn't matter how nicely he asked, putting someone on the spot like that is really unfair. However, if I was the B&G then, having agreed (albeit grudgingly) to host your children, I wouldn't have seated them away from you if I could help it. Seating plans can be a nightmare to organise and I'd have been seriously pissed off at having to change it, but I probably would have done it. I guess one thing to consider is that if there wasn't room on your table for your two DC then seating them next to you could have meant other families having to be split up, which would also seem unfair. Maybe they were in a position of having no choice but to upset someone and decided, ultimately, that upsetting the CF's who guilt tripped them into paying for two extra meals was the lesser of two evils.

As for how you and your DH dealt with the situation with the seating, again I think there was an unnecessary amount of fuss. If your DD genuinely couldn't cope with being seated at a different table, then of course you as her Mum should have been the one to move. This should have happened as soon as it became apparent she wasn't coping, rather than a waitress having to ask her to stop getting up. Your DH was unreasonable to expect your 17 year old step son to swap-seats and I don't blame him for refusing. I imagine your own Dad telling you to go and sit at another table away from your family because he wants to placate his wife's kid feels pretty shit actually. Your DH should have been more considerate of his sons feelings.
Your SIL probably should have minded her own business rather than making a sarcastic comment, but she was probably saying what everyone else was thinking.

Ultimately, if you and your DH had accepted the B&G's original invite, sent your two DC off to their Grandparents or whoever your preferred babysitter would be, you probably all would have had a much nicer evening.

i think youre getting a bit of an unfair pasting OP. I don’t agree that 9 and 12 are old enough to sit with complete strangers. Wedding breakfasts are long meals. The bride and groom have behaved ridiculously in separating them from you. I also can’t see any evidence that DH ‘pressured’ them, just that he rang and asked.

A pertinent fact I can’t find (sorry if you’ve already said it) is how close are these relatives to your DH and how long have your children been in DHs life?
If he’s been your partner since the kids were babies then not inviting them was unkind and your DH was right to mention it imho. If he’s a fairly new partner and/or your children have never met these people or have any interest in them then I think he should have let it go.

Bride and groom were total twats.

Lesson learned - if you're not invited, you shouldn't go. Your instinct to not go was correct, listen to your gut next time.

Me me me.

I wouldn’t have allowed my DH to call the groom, its totally inappropriate and put pressure on the bridal party to pay for 2 more places. Also although it felt weird if your kids had good babysitters at home you could have gone without all this fuss!

This. You should have moved from the get go.

your husband was also wrong to pressure for an invite for your kids.

I agree. Should have accepted who they wanted to invite originally