DS girlfriend at our house all the time.

You need to speak to her directly. Stop going through your son. Sit her down and lay out ground rules around how much time she spends at your place and her behaviour while she is there. She also needs to be made aware of her poor manners and lack of social awareness.

• She is never to enter your home office. Tell her that she has been exceptionally rude in walking in while you are working.
• She is not to tell your younger son what to do. Ever. It’s not her place and she is being rude in doing so.
• She had no place in sitting in on the family discussion about the dog. She was completely insensitive to insert herself into that situation.
• Your family needs time alone as a unit without her there. It’s nothing personal, but she cannot be there every waking hour.
• She can come over so many days a week. On weekdays she cannot come before (whatever time you decide) she needs to leave by 6 (or whenever). Similar rules for weekends - specify times.
• Suggest she probably has friends who miss her and it’s unhealthy for a couple to spend all their free time together. She needs to get a life outside of her boyfriend. Women need to have a whole life, not one that exclusively revolves around a man.
• Tell her whatever else annoys you that she needs to stop doing.

Wow. You need to at least insist on privacy in your home office (please knock, working, sign, or hook-and-eye inside might help) and push back for your younger child, doesn;t need to be dramatic - just say something every time you hear her do it - "that's up to DS 2" "this is DS2's home, he can (do whatever it is) if he wants to" "DS2 can decide that for himself" whatever. That's imperative, his big brother's love life should not be decreasing his quality of life at home. I know the impulse to to be pleasant to guests is strong, but 19 year olds, even ones who are lovely at base, can be very obtuse and entitled as I'm sure you know and you might need to be less tactful to get through to her. Her crashing the meeting about the dog is a bit shit.

You need to lay down firm boundaries and if he takes the p then you need to say she’s not coming over. Does he ever go to her house? I would not be allowing her to come over so much. She also needs to stop bossing about your other child, you need to stand up for him. He won’t feel comfortable in his own home. That’s not fair. Agree to a couple of nights a week; and tell him if he abuses this, then all visits will stop. He’s old enough to understand that you want to relax in your own home and it’s hard to do that when a non family member is constantly there. Unfair of him not to listen too so soon after losing your dog.

My DD's BF was here all the time until they went to uni. I actually miss him! Having said that, I just cracked on as usual. If I wanted a bath or to be in my PJs then that's what I did because it's my house and he isn't my guest.

If no boundaries are very firmly put in place, there’s a good chance she’ll be moving in! Both of them, tho they maybe nice kids, have got attitude! At this age there is a tendency to assume if no clear rules are in place, it’s open season on everything!

Me, I’d be getting very tired of seeing her in my home and privacy being curtailed.

I'm really not strict 😂 but visitors are not members of the household.

Even family need to be bleeding profusely to dare interrupt work without knocking. Last interruption was to borrow - well take - the punction repair kit from my car. Completely acceptable reason, still knocked and waited.

19

I think you say to him that you’ve spoken to him twice about holding your very reasonable boundary of her going home as requested and he is taking the Mickey so instead of her being there as per the agreement for the next two weeks she isn’t welcome at all.

after two weeks she is welcome 2 evenings per week (one mid week, & Friday Sat as per YOUR comfort), within agreed hours and that’s only if they stick to it. As much as you like her it’s your home and you should be able to relax which you can’t with an extra person wandering around.

if they stick to boundary then you will consider a third evening but everytime they break it that’s a week she’s not allowed at the house.

sounds mean but equally I think since you’ve asked more than once and not been listened to it’s a good firm reminder that our actions have consequences for your son and gf

What does she do when she wanders into your office OP? That's just weird.

You are much stricter than me. 😂😂

I wouldn’t have put up with the bossing the little sister around either though.

@FierceForester90 is allowing a random teenager to wander around her house, into her office while she is working and boss around her 16 year old. Just because she is screwing her 21 year old son. Why else would she not tear shreds off her son for this crap if not because she fears him?

Like hell would ANY girlfriend/boyfriend of my child be doing this. They'd be kicked out the first time they were so disrespectful. They wouldn't be in the house while I was working in the first place though.

She’s not scared of him. She’s asking if the situation is normal and advice from other posters for dealing with this. It’s no different from asking what’s normal for a hormonal teenager and how to handle that behaviour either. It’s a bit awkward having to have these convos with someone else’s kid too!

It’s nothing to do with notional male authority, or even “male authority”. He’s being thoughtless and selfish and both the OP and her husband are being spineless.

There is around one a week because too many soft parents let their teenaged/adult children rule the home.

Why are so many MN parents scared of their own children?

@FierceForester90 Tell your entitled son that his ignorant girlfriend is to leave immediately. Not when it suits them. She is not to come back without your explicit permission. Good grief.

I despair at the number of parents on MN who have no authority in their homes, and zero respect from the children living in them.

And who the hell is raising these entitled teenagers who just wade into people's homes and take over? They don't even have the decency to know when to go home ☹️.

Have a chat with your son. You’re not being unreasonable but I think it should come from him.

or just bother them with getting them to do chores constantly haha - they'll soon go to her parents house

That thread was about a step son.

You're going to have to set boundaries with her.

"Yo, Jan, I've talked to my son about how much time you're here and you're going to have to cut it back. It's too much. You've interrupted my work and you're not going to be able to be here when I am working from home any more. You also need to stop bossing younger brother around. You're not in charge of him and that stops now.

Yo, Jan, we're going to be having family dinner tonight, it's time for you to go home.

Yo, Jan, time to go home. We're having an early night.

Straight up, nothing she can argue with. She's pushy and it's time to shove her back. Assertive and clear and firm.

This would drive me nuts. I have three adult DC, now all left home. I never had their girl/boyfriends hanging around at my house. They came by invitation only.

It’s your home, your rules. Decide what you find acceptable and then politely enforce it. You are not obliged to provide space for anyone. You should probably discuss with your DS the need for him to get his own place.

YANBU @FierceForester90, we went through this when DD1 started dating her last GF. They were 18, and the GF had a really rubbish home life, so was spending almost every evening at our place for a couple of months when they first started dating. It became quite intrusive, like you I felt I couldn't really relax when the GF was there, plus the cost of feeding an extra mouth every day was adding up (she was also on a medically restricted diet, so I was having to be more creative with my cooking, which was time consuming). The final straw was when DD2, who was 16 at the time, came to me in tears, saying she hadn't spent any time with her sister since DD1 and her GF got together, and she really missed her.

DH and I had a chat about it, and we decided that the GF could come for dinner 2 nights a week, could sleep over one weekend night a week (this was only once they'd been together 4 months and it seemed "serious"), and DD1 could do over to GF's 2 nights a week. 1 night a week was designated a "family" night, so DDs could spend some time together. Happily, DD1 was receptive, and the scheduling worked well for our family.

I think it's up to you how you manage this situation, but I feel you're perfectly within your rights to want at least a couple of days a week when the only people you can expect to see in your home when you come home from work are the people who actually live there!

Best of luck, I hope yous DS is receptive.

I would just say in a cheery tone of voice “ok it’s time for Barbara to go home now as dinner is due in 20 minutes” or whatever on the nights you want free. And again in as breezy a manner possible say “hey, gonnae not go in my office as I have all my work stuff / personal stuff / voodoo dolls of you in there”.

Didn’t you post about this the other week?

My daughter had this situation with her 20 yr old son's girlfriend (18). She said her family threw her out (they hadn't) and was there all day every day, all night too. The younger son who was 16 was very unhappy, bullied by both his brother and the girlfriend. The girl would walk around in underwear when the adults were out and show the young brother very dubious things on her phone. Any suggestion she should leave led to fake asthma attacks (ambulance called) and she herself called the police saying the adults were abusing the older son who was kicking off because apparently they were interfering with his relationship i.e. not getting his own way.
Eventually they, the young couple, left and blew almost all his uni fund of around £18,000 in a few weeks. The whole episode was 9 months of hell, and was very much worse than what is described here, but this is a mumsnet comment, not a book. In due course he returned, impoverished and chastened. He's very lucky his parents are prepared to help him financially (again) to pay for his uni accommodation. I wouldn't have to be honest. His relationship with his younger brother is still strained and may never be truly recoverable. In fairness to your son, OP, yours might never become so besotted and so unreasonable, so very stupid. I hope he doesn't. FWIW, we all thought the girlfriend was "lovely", such a nice girl and what was the harm? It was just so nice to see him happy.