DS girlfriend at our house all the time.

My brother had this with his son. She now lives with them 😂 She's lovely but it's not something I'd do!

For goodness sake, just say what you want to happen! “Jack, it’s 5:45, you need to take Ellie home now please”. You’re the adult and it’s your house!

A right fucking bitch? There's no need to pussyfoot around this 19yo who has inserted herself in family business and bullies a 16yo child in their own home?

Just tell her "Get out of my office, don't ever come in here again".

Or tell her, "My office is my private space, so please could you not come in or knock if you need me" if you don't want to be a right fucking bitch about it.

no idea how that happened

We all found joy back in the 70s/80s when we didn’t have much of this

People spent money on joyful non essentials in the 70s & 80s. They did it in the 20s and during the war!!!

What about bossing OP's 16 year old around? That would happen only once in my house before she got an immediate pulling up. She is flexing her muscle here to embed herself in the family and that is not the way to go about it. When my daughter was a late teen her boyfriend would stay over, but if he had done anything like this young lady, he'd have been sent hopping away with a flea in his ear!

Yes, very firmly. I would not have tolerated that, but my DS always asked if it was ok for his GF to come over. Yours needs to learn some manners.

He doesn't listen though, does he?
He pretends to listen and agree but still does what he wants.

He's an adult... he absolutely can do what he wants, in his own home. Not your family home though.

Also, stop asking him things. Tell them.
"We are having family dinner at 6, so you GF needs to be gone by 5.30 so you are back in time".

If you come home, and she's there when you've asked not, tell her directly... "Goodbye, see you Saturday".

Sorry if it has been asked already but why is she walking into your home office?

How do you mean she is bossy to your other DS op?

This is really OTT and smacks of her trying to push "advance" on the relationship status in a territorial way, as if she is already part of the family. I've seen this in a couple of cases - and neither ended well.

As a lot of things I read on MN, it’s happening because you allow it.

Your DS is not a child. Neither is she but he is the one who you need to be putting boundaries in place with and I would go so far as to say if he doesn’t respect your rules, you will ask her to leave yourself.

Decide what you are happy with and set the boundary.

Maybe don’t discuss with DS but tell him what you want. Decide what days suit you.

I have four young adult kids and so have had this at various stages. Ds2 has recently split with his gf but she would be over most weekends and I just used to feel awkward if I wanted a nap on the sofa or something. Even just being my usual silly self singling to the dog and being daft had to be curtailed as I felt self conscious being myself. However it works the other way too. My ds3 spends the vast majority of his time at his gf's house sometimes for days on end. I'm not sure how her parents put up with it especially as he is quite hard work to converse with and I doubt her chips in in any form with costs ( broke student). They have been together for six years since they were 16 though so I guess they see him as part of their family !

You need to set a very clear boundary here OP.

I’m surprised you haven’t spoken to both of them already as she’s bossing younger ds around. Stick up for him!

I wouldn’t like this at all and I’d be speaking to my DS about the frequency and length of her visits and that your office is out of bounds.
Why can’t they go to her house?

Make it clear that if he wants her around all the time he can move out.

Your rule is two nights max. If he can't stick to it she's banned altogether.

Just put your foot down. It's your house.

Doesn’t she had any studies to do or other stuff? It sounds like she doesn’t have a home life to rush home for either?

Your house your rules, sit them down and tell them

You need to come down harder on him because the softly softly approach evidently isn’t working. She shouldn’t be anywhere near your office, I find it weird she’s brazenly made herself so at home like this tbh. She seems to lack any sense of personal awareness.

Sit him down and explain how it’s making you all feel- be firm with her and say she has no right to boss your younger DS around either. Agree to 2 nights a week and say you’re happy for her to have dinner with you all those nights but she isn’t permitted in the house the rest of the week. He can go to her house if it bothers him.

“DS, I’m really happy that you’ve found “X” and that you’re enjoying your new relationship however we need to have a chat about house rules and dynamics. From now on you’ll be allowed two visits a week in the home. If you don’t respect this it will be reduced to 0 so make your choices wisely.”

Crikey, she’s not very good at reading the room is she! Sounds like you need to spell it out for her op. There’s no way I would be tolerating this nonsense, especially walking into my office. Once is a mistake, more than that is rude. As for bossing your younger child in their own home, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that’s unacceptable.

I don't let my own children into my home office; they can knock or call out to me if there's an emergency. They're not allowed to bully their siblings, either. I might tell her directly ONCE that these things are not OK, then she'd be banned.

Telling her via your son isn't working because he doesn't respect you/the house rules himself. There have to be consequences; you wouldn't let a household member make the other members of the household uncomfortable on a regular basis so don't let some random do it.

My dd is almost 18 and hasn’t had much experience with relationships. However, I have decided I won’t be having anyone in my home, that I’m not comfortable with.

It now seems dd might be getting with a lad she has known for a long time. He’s a really nice person and if all continues this time, I expect he will want to stay over quite soon. There is a history and he’s waited a really long time to be with her so I’d be more lenient than with anyone else.

I’ll still be putting boundaries in place for sure, especially as dd is just about to take A levels. And I will speak directly to them both, not just dd because he’s the one with all the relationship experience, but most importantly, it is right to assert yourself in your own home. If they want to be treated as adults, they need to act like adults. That includes being told the boundaries and expectations when you visit someone else’s home.

And quite frankly, I don’t care if that makes my dd or him uncomfortable. I will do it jovially (as I can with him) and sensitively. And if he or any other lad wants to be part of dd’s life, that includes us because right now we are funding and facilitating it.

As for your situation, and even though your ds is older, you’re funding and facilitating his life to some extent as well by the sound of it. And he’s not acting like an adult at all right now. If he wants all the trimmings of adulthood, he needs to act like one.

As for the way she’s treated your family time after losing a much loved pet and your 16 year old, words fail me. Is he doing GCSEs this year? If so, he’s the priority.

You and your dh need to assert yourselves and get some boundaries in place pronto. Your dd is walking all over you. You’ve tried the softly, softly approach. That hasn’t worked. Now to be direct. She sounds very dominant and if you don’t do it now, she’s going to take over your lives and moved in before you know it.

I had the same situation and ended up taking to DS and saying I need 3-4 nights and days a week where GF is not in the house. There ended up de-camping to hers for the majority of the week and we had them on weekends. I assume she has somewhere to live?