Colleague is just bloody mean

I have also worked with a person like this. Many, many moons ago in my first job. Her name was…Sandra.

She was a nasty piece of work who was actually quite good at the technical side of her job. She had had a really traumatic event happen in her life. No one could speak to Sandra first in case she was “upset”. Everyone, including senior partners, tip toed around Sandra. Even in my youth and inexperience. I could see that Sandra was a nasty piece of work who used her trauma to excuse her treatment of others. She particularly targeted younger, more attractive women in their 20s. It was a real eye opener for me.

this sort of mediation was offered to me when i complained about a nasty colleague.
i wasnt happy to accept that
she never did apologise, she did leave in the end luckily for me

I’m not impressed wirh how HR dealt with this. They should have treated your ‘complaint’ as a grievance, and speak to Sandra separately to give her a chance to explain her point of view and then take further action depending on what Sandra said. They could have given Sandra a warning or whatever they felt was necessary to make her stop her behaviour. This could have been done without your knowledge, the only thing you should have noticed was the outcome, ie Sandra becoming nicer. Getting you both in the same room to sort it out it’s like one does with children at school. Awkward.

No, Sandra cannot be excused from being in a bad mood if it's nasty undermining t you all. Sorry but my reply is limited to a stupid malfunction so I can't see see what I'm typing.

We're all human and shouldn't have to put up with this. As teachers we know you can't talk to students this way, so same in the workplace, even more so as all adults and shoukd know by now you don't bully others just because you're feeling annoyed. Of a c medical condition then staff need to be awared bit also delegation to someone who can manage basic social interactions.

Start a file and put every incident into it contemporaneously

Well done OP. Sounds like you've handled it well and now she's on HR radar which she should be.
For myself, I am quite tolerant and patient, I'll overlook moodiness, shunting their work my way occasionally, messiness, borrowing my work stuff, etc. But one thing I don't tolerate is someone shouting at me at work. That's a boundary and one I would always go to HR about, though thankfully it's only happened to me once and the guy was universally acknowledged as a prick.
This is a good time to rethink workplace boundaries and reflect on what behaviour you're willing to let go and what you're not.

Well done, op, that sounds positive. Fingers crossed that it has worked…

Yikes, that sounds potentially v awkward!

FWIW, I have a colleague who has "progressed" from being a grumpy stickler for the rules to outright shouting at me and our manager. I went to HR because it was completely batshit how she ranted at me! Made me feel like I was having an argument with my DH, rather than being at work. No idea what HR did, but a few weeks later said colleague shouted at her manager again, telling them to get out as she doesn't want to see them!

You need to start playing at her own game and throw in some mental health jargon as a result of dealing with her shit

Raise a grievance , being rude wow never ok , no mental health excuses either

Sometimes the best way to deal with bullying behaviour is just to ask them to repeat it. Be super innocent "Sorry Sandra, ypu said something, I didn't catch it...what did you say" "Sorry Sandra, you said I was lazy. What did you mean by that, I would like to understand?"

She cannot possibly co plain abput ypu/what ypu have said.

She, pretty much guaranteed, will not want to repeat herself as you have just shown her up (oh so politely).

You have brought attention to what she said...so other's ears will prick up...Again meaning she will not want to repeat ot and cannot complain about it.

Very low confrontation, very low risk yet can be very effective.

Go to HR, tell them how this is affecting you and how it is violating your dignity at work. I once pointed out to a particularly obnoxious colleague who was very similar that I also had the right to dignity at work so was not prepared to accept her saying and doing whatever she wanted to me. She was gobsmacked.

In a toxic workplace or family, the group will work to appease the sickest (scariest) member. If anyone sticks up their head to complain about that person, or tries to alert everyone to their behaviour, they will become hated. Not sure why it happens, but this is my family with my sister and I've also been in workplaces like it.

I worked with someone like this, who was actually called Sandra. If thats her real name, I wonder...

Yeah, dont put it up with it, put the complaint in and encourage others too as well. The more complaints the better. I hate the enablers just as much as the person themselves tbh. If nobody put up with it and acted like it was normal, then it wouldn't be happening.

I think you need to challenge her, calmly and professionally every time she treats you inappropriately. She shouts at you, you say "Please don't raise your voice to me Sandra". She's rude to you, you say "Sandra, I don't think that comment was polite or professional".
Be very careful to only speak about the behaviour, no personal generalisations such as 'you're always so rude' or whatever, stay clam and polite, and ideally do it within earshot of others so there's witnesses you responded assertively but appropriately.
As no one usually does this to her, she will be likely to react strongly, either going further in her abuse of you, to a level that cant be brushed off, or complaining about you. Either way it brings the situation to a head and will mean management can't ignore it.

OP, take this up with HR, in writing and tell them what you said in your post because its high time the shit hits the fan for the loser you have as a colleague.

She has the cheek to upload al her mental health issues onto you and your colleagues then treats you like trash. She has no right to do this and your colleagues are making it worse by allowing her to get away with it.

She is harming your mental health and she must be stopped.

Go straight to HR, if there is no HR contact a manager and tell them and if the company do not reprimand her with a warning then contact Acas.

You have been through enough, its time it stopped.

So do that then. You need to stand up to people sometimes.

i work with the same sort of person but our team is now so very small sometimes it is just her and i.
it can make for some awkwardness
i have been driven near to tears when she involves someone else in her behaviour against me.
you dont have to be friends
other than that, i have no wise words

Straight to HR and cite the occasions and people involved or witnesses to the incident? Have you got CCTV at work?

Id be tempted to call her out and actually ask her to not speak to you in such a tone or create such an atmosphere.

Raise a grievance, you shouldn’t have to put up with behaviour like this.

Go to HR and explain the situation. How everyone tiptoes around her moods for fear of her possibly crying wolf if someone dares to call her out on her behaviour