How would you feel if your manager acted like this?

The above post should be your focus and concern.

not…. I feel saddened that not once has my manager asked if I’m genuinely ok. They have seen me a number of times but never ask if I’m doing ok

No one can be responsible for your health but you.Most managers will care to a certain extent but will leave the judgement to you.

You need to take the time to recover that you need. As a manager yourself arrange a clear handover and delegation before you go. Make sure expectations are known and pose it as an opportunity for people covering you.

When I have a team member who is struggling because of outside factors I focus on what I can do in practical terms to make the work part less burdensome. Accommodating appointments and, where possible, not requiring the time to be made up, being clear and sincere about telling them to take the time they need, making sure they know what support we offer as a company that could help (which is loads), adjusting workloads/tasks where I can. sometimes it’s just about them feeling heard.

I find many of my team are more inclined to ask me for things they need than ask their own managers (who I manage), which to me means their managers are not quite getting it right. If you manage people you have a responsibility to do something to look after their wellbeing - that looks different for different leaders as we don’t all work the same way, but it’s a non negotiable for me.

If someone wants to talk I don’t cut them off but at the end of the day I’m not a therapist and I don’t let myself be drawn into that role. My assistance is basically on practical terms.

I learnt the hard way that no matter how much you poor yourself into a job, even if you’ve served them for years snd years snd years and years, you are usually only seen as an entity that brings value to them and their business, not as a person with your own needs.

I genuinely think when a person is at their lowest (for whatever reason), it is how their management treats them that makes it clear whether they are seen as just a member of staff, or whether they are valued as a person.

It can be very eye opening.

I think you've got a martyr complex and want emotional recompense for your over and above martyrdom

Your Manager won't give you that, neither should she

Step back and stop doing the whole martyr extra work shit

I think you need to focus on the practical rather than the emotional. Yes, it would be lovely to feel your manager was genuinely interested in you as a person and appreciated you, though tbh, if you're a people pleaser that may not be the ideal for you, because ime, an emotional tie with a manager makes you more vulnerable to over working 'for them'.
Regardless, what really matters at work is that there is a fair exchange of labour for pay, that you are provided with the resources you need to do the job, that you are treated with courtesy and professionalism, and that your employer treats you in accordance with the law, your contract and their policies.
If any of these is not the case then you need to speak up. Beyond that, you need to readjust your expectations in line with your managers style.
If she's never there and is disengaged then it sounds like she has lost her own interest in her role for whatever reason. But as long as she's meeting her responsibility to you and delivering for her boss, there's nothing that can be done about that.
If feeling you matter beyond a number is important, it might be helpful to remember you have relationships down, not just up. If you're a good manager yourself it's likely your team appreciate you on a personal level, and there's satisfaction in that.

I've had the same thing this year, but it was a mental health issue. I've taken no time off other than annual leave that I had to take as a minimum and the rest of the time I've just struggled on.

I had a realisation this week though. I was absolutely swamped with work and I reached out during our team meeting and asked if anyone had any spare capacity. They all know I've been struggling and they'd previously vaguely promised to "help" if necessary. But they pretty much all shrugged and said "sorry, too busy" and left me to it.

For context, last year one of them went through a mental health crisis and had to take time off. I took on a number of his tasks and tried my best to make sure he wouldn't come back to a load of unfinished work.

I have to admit I was hugely hurt at first that nobody would return the favour or give me a bit of support, but it's actually made me change my approach to work this week. I'm only going to do my own tasks now, and other people can worry about the rest of it. I'm going to be taking my breaks and leave, and my time for medical appointments, and whatever comes in while I'm away can simply wait. I'm not logging in to clear my emails while I'm not on work time - I'm not paid enough for that and nobody gives you a medal for it. In fact, they just start to take it for granted that you'll flog yourself into the ground and give you even more to do.

At the end of the day, while it's "nice" to have people at work you get on with, they're just colleagues, not friends. I thought mine were more in the friend category but if you're only prepared to help someone if it doesn't make more work for you, that's not friendship. I hope you have friends and family outside of work that can offer you the support you don't get from colleagues and managers.

Detach.

Leave clear hand over
Task A Actions: John needs to do X by Y
Task B Actions: project Alpha. boss you need to attend weekly sync and give guidance

If you need time take it.

Do you feel unseen or lacking in appreciation?

You made all that effort to remain in work and these minimal responses is what you’ve go back in return - has this left you feeling hurt after the effort to attend work WFH when you were very unwell?

I think it is reasonable to except a level of human response and just asking how someone is can help to maintain wellbeing and work relationships.

Im sorry you’ve been treated this way.

As they say - we are all replaceable please prioritise your health and take the dam time off to put you first - no one else can do this or will tell you to. Then tap into support around you and do whatever is needed to make your like easier. You’ve been this lot and need some downtime.

"I’ve told them I’ll need a few days after the surgery to let things settle and that I’ll WFH until my stitches are out. This has been accepted and I was answered ‘all fine’ but they haven’t said ‘just take your time’ or ‘stay off until you are out of pain’ like I would with my own team."
@littlesongs I think you should say to your manager, "After surgery I will need to be off until I'm no longer in pain."
You're hoping your manager will take your nurturing approach and offer you more sick leave than you've asked for. But that's not how s/he works. You need to tell them what you need!

Your manager is your superior in the hierarchy, not your counsellor. She is there to ensure that the work of the organization continues, not to be your chatty mate. This may seem harsh bt it is what it is. You should develop the same attitude and work to your contract.

I was once a manager in a public service. If a staff member was off because of illness or bereavement my job first and foremost was to keep the service running. I tried to be sympatheric but detached, and concentrate on the administrative aspects of the situation.

This sounds like things I've heard from quite a few friends/friends of friends recently. Sadly it seems to be common now for some people to be quite lazy/uncaring. I think there's been a real change in the last 15 years or so, in terms of caring. When I started at work, if anyone was off, they get messages/gifts regularly. Now some long-term employees get barely anything when they are seriously ill. I'm really sorry.

For me "Glad you are being seen" would be much more consoling and thoughtful than asking if I was ok. Of course, people aren't ok when they need lumps investigated, they are incredibly worried. Perhaps he feels that asking someone if they are ok when they have every reason not to be shows no consideration and is irritating.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta No worries. I hope you’re able to work something out with your manager. It might just be that they are a little ignorant about working with ND colleagues so an honest, but respectful two way conversation can sometimes help. I’ve always found it works better if you have an alternative solution to suggest that works for both parties. ChatGPT is actually quite good at helping to work out what and how to say things for this sort of situation….as long as you use the right prompt. 🙂

Actually that’s a really good suggestion - thank you. I think it comes from a good place but I find myself trying to schedule meetings for the 121 slot 🤣

Apologies if I sounded like a twat 😬

Okay that makes sense - apologies - I think my confusion is more about how you genuinely care and empathise with someone when you don’t like them but I appreciate that is probably my AuDHD showing.

In work or in life, I either like someone very much (in which case I have all the care and empathy in the world and would go to the ends of the earth - not many people are in that category though) or I don’t care about them at all so I appreciate that it may be my black and white thinking that’s confusing the issue!

Yeah, I can see where you’re coming from now. Your manger doesn’t understand how to work with ND colleagues and is trying to apply a one size fits all approach and it isn’t coming across as a genuine intention to ‘check in’. Have a conversation with them and explain why the current method doesn’t work for you…..have an alternative suggestion to present. Can you do an email check in instead or something like that.

If you put yourself in a management position where you have power and influence over others and their lives, you must also care about their wellbeing. You do not have to like someone to care about their wellbeing. I don’t particularly like a couple of people in my team, as in I wouldn’t choose to socialise with them and I’m not friends with them, but I still want them to feel well, healthy and psychologically safe/ok both in and out of work. It is my job as a manager to find some common ground and foundation to build a working relationship so I can support them to do their job well. I consider a big part of that to be caring about them, and what is happening in their lives.

Because I have AUDHD, she thinks she is being supportive as she has a ‘check in’ with every member of her team. She means well, genuinely I think , but it’s beyond awkward for me. The issue is I don’t actually work with her directly and she doesn’t understand what I actually do (I have one of those job titles/descriptions that nobody except me, my colleague and the managing director understand 🤣)

Erm okay. How does that work? Respect the team members - fine. Some people are great at their job but aren’t particularly likeable.

I don’t believe it’s possible to genuinely like or care about all the staff - there’s always going to be people you like and don’t like!

Or are you saying that you would genuinely care about even the more arseholic members of your team? If so, fair play to you, you are a rarity 😬

I think it's a shame you assume the empathy is always fake. Sure there's limits - not expecting them to be a therapist - but empathy can be built into any role.

Your manager isn’t practicing employee centred management then are they? If you don’t like 1-2-1’s so often ask for them to be less frequent and explain your preference. A good manager will respect that and be able to reach a compromise with you that addresses both the organisational and employee need. I do understand what you’re saying….so many managers out there are performative in their ‘care’. They’re not good managers/leaders though,

It is if they spend half the day feigning care and making sure each employee feels like they are a very special person!

I have worked for people who like to think they are caring when actually they fool nobody. It’s nosiness.