AIBU to think 80s parenting was often hands-off and unsupervised?

I was born in '78, I think there were varieties of parenting. Dad was always around at weekends, but worked a lot during the week, but would generally take us to b&q or the tip. Mum worked nights once we all had started school, so we had to look after ourselves in the day during holidays, but she was in the house. But we also did a lot of day trips and family things. My parents weren't drinkers, I thought you weren't allowed in pubs until you were 18 (though heard of friends who'd be there with a bottle of pop with their parents). I guess it was hands off but they were around, and I'm similar with my DC.

On the laziness thing, I’m a far lazier person than my parents were. They were absolutely workaholics my mother had a house cleaning routine than you could get Internet famous for these days and my Dad mended everything in the house by himself, did all the “blue” jobs and had a very intense job.

Not being lazy as people did not mean that they were involved as parents though. They just were not emotionally involved and were also very rigid and authoritarian.

I came straight home from school, got changed and went out on my bike, Dad didn’t like to be disturbed in the evening while he watched tv so I could be up in my room or out.
I didn’t know where I was going and nor did my mum but I’d knock a few doors and see who was coming out and we’d go off somewhere.
No curfew just come in when it gets dark or the others go in.
If we went on holidays I’d be expected to roam the grounds and make friends so basically leave the adults alone.

Sounds great in theory but by 14/15 I was drinking in pubs or buying in off licences because I was tall nobody questioned my age and I could buy cigarettes so I smoked too then.
I was sexually abused by a man in a park but nobody batted an eyelid as apparently that was part and par of growing up, in fact my dad laughed and said next time I should get him to pay for it and make it worth my while.
Next time I was sexually assaulted I didn’t tell anyone.

My parents also drank lots on holidays while they made friends with other families and we the children and those families children would go off and play somewhere until midnight or whenever they wanted to go to bed.

I grew up thinking I was privileged as we had a comfortable lifestyle and nice holidays but in reality I was an unwanted child by my dads own admission, my brothers were 13 and 15 when I was born so I was a bit of an unwelcome surprise in their 40s.

Dad didn’t have much to do with bringing me up as he thought that’s mums job but he did chuck me a lot of money so considered himself a loving father and me spoilt and wrapped round his finger.
Mum was lovely and were close but she was my dads skivvy and he spoke to her like dirt.
Occasionally I would get a clout round the ear bit it was usually for not showing enough respect to them rather than to reprimand bad behaviour as I don’t think there was any rules to be broken except be quiet and keep out the way, don’t listen or join in on any conversations which basically meant don’t speak at all and stay in my room, quietly though because nobody wants to hear me creaking about up there or playing music, the expensive top of the range Hifi that I was grateful to receive but better not play.

I acquired a pint glass to keep in my room in case I needed to pee after dad went to bed because if I creaked across the landing to the loo in the night and woke dad there’d be hell to pay and he would wake up because he slept next to the bathroom with his door wide open and slept lightly.

I think most modern parents including myself just want a bit better for their own children. I don’t make nearly as much money as my parents but I know my children are safe and sound and not fending for themselves without guidance.

Yep 80s kid here. My single parent mum worked all hours, was too tired to play or really talk to me when it was just us. Luckily I was friends with all the kids in my street, would play out til 9pm while still at primary school. I have much more input and relationship with my DC, but I do worry that they have less friend time than I did growing up, as it all has to be scheduled playdates.

Some of these examples are just bad parenting of any generation. It was not "typical 80s parenting" to not celebrate your child's birthday or never play with them or go on days out. As a child of the 80s, everyone I knew had a birthday party (often circulating the same magician on a rota) and family days out were common. There were plenty of theme parks, zoos, national trust places etc that were always filled with families.

TW mentions abuse. That was my childhood in a nutshell.

Our luck ran out though because there was a child abuser among us.

I would say it had its pros and cons but the main con for me was it felt incredibly lonely and it felt incredibly isolating.

As an aside when many years later they did find out about the abuse, our parents just shrugged it off and continued the relationship with the abuser as though nothing had changed. It was a pretty shitty example of parenting in my opinion.

OMG YES!!!! My mom and dad were always so proud of the fact that they were hands on parents, their favourite mantra was 'we took you everywhere with us'. But to be honest, looking back we raised ourselves. We were latchkey kids and spent hours at home alone unsupervised until about 6pm when parents got home from their full time work. I never recall a single instance of being helped or supervised with homework or school tasks. They never knew much about things like school activities or after hours pursuits. They never watched or supported my sports and hobbies. I dont remember any family outings or special activities, except for visits to my aunt and uncle every now and again. But they insist that they were very engaged and involved. I have different memories - basically of them coming through the door, greeting, rushing through supper and then watching tv while my sister and I went to our rooms.

My parents were the cause of all conflict and difficult situations.

This thread influenced my dreams last night…. I dreamt about the climbing frame my dad built us. It was all designed and handmade by him - a little house up on a platform, with a ladder and fireman’s pole to get up and down and swings underneath. It was really impressive!

and also reflecting on a PP, we were left home alone if unwell too. Dad would pop home at lunchtime (and have a coffee and a smoke) to check on us then go back to work.

I was born in 1990 and not that much different, parents a bit more present, Saturday was for family and we would often have a cheap day out somewhere, but lots of playing out (with occasional checks) with the other kids in the close, marbles was our game! Me and my cousin built a den in a garage of the block of flats she lived in with whatever we could find incl a discarded mattress 🤢 pushed my little brother around town in a shopping trolley for an afternoon, that sort of stupid older kid/tween stuff that happens without parental supervision 🤣

I try to get my 13yo to go out but he's not interested, doesn't help we live far away from family so he doesn't have cousin friendships like I did, and his school mates are dotted around the various villages around the town so it would mean a lot more organisation than we had to do!

YABU to judge every 80s parent based on your own experience

Walked to school with the five year old across the road. Was a latch key kid from 7. Was left at home alone if ill off school.

Played out after dark, roamed the local area at 10, crossing the dual carriageway to get to the next village. Climbed trees, played in the woods, rode bikes on the local wasteland, explored building sites, sledged down hills.

1970s

I do anyway @cornflakecrunchie . My older two are over 10 and not interested in most of it but they still like blackberry picking.

They will hike now though. my 13 year old has started to moan about it. But I hope they will carry a love of the outdoors with them though life.

Just thinking.. do parents take kids paddling in streams any more, or blackberrying etc? Still my favourite things! I only look at wild flowers now, rather than picking them..

I was born in 1980 and raised by a single dad from age 5 - he was a teacher so had holidays off (apart from planning, marking, prepping his classroom, baker days etc).

We had a lot of freedom and were allowed to play out from a young age all day. We lived rurally so bike rides out on the lanes, swimming in the stream, making dens in the bushes etc.

But dad also spent times with us too - watching films, playing Lego, doing games/puzzles, taking us to the beach, taking us camping etc.

He cooked us really nice food from scratch and was always kind and loving, never mean. I think he did a great job really and had a good balanced approach.

Yep. Born in the late 60s out playing from 3. Parents didn't understand education so left to it, no pressure. Did ok considering the school. Roamed everywhere. Old uns looking after little uns. Drinking underage.

And we did take care of one another, at 16 I called the police because my mates little brother was 14 and saw a toddler kidnapped and didn't think he'd be believed...we got her back unharmed.

I played football every Sunday in the local park, jumpers for goal post. Just before the Falklands an Argentinian ship was docked...they played us...I was 12 and clearly at home tensions were high, I ended up fighting a grown man...one of the older lads hit him.with a brick

So even in the worst places it was brilliant being left alone discovering some people weren't nice, that everyone had their own agenda

Just watch Stand by Me as a film that illustrates how great it was.

What really bugged me was the complete lack of interest and effort coupled with high expectations! Because obviously I was supposed to magically know everything and do it just right. High grades, but god forbid I asked for help. Active interests, but never had a bike, they kept promising a tennis club that never materialised , I did join a karate club but only had one lesson because I had forgotten to do one piece of homework. After getting myself up, ready , bag for school, walked to school, was at school, came home, fed myself, did homework in a rush, got changed for club and got myself there. Plenty other examples.

Even now she goes “breakfast is the most important meal of the day!”. She never made me breakfast. Not once.

Pick a fucking lane.

Same, I didn’t feel important and that has affected me. I was really well behaved which is lucky as there were no boundaries (out until 3am in parks with friends (innocently) - before mobile phones) but also not really any expectations - I always excelled at school and my mum always seemed surprised 🤷‍♀️. She expected me to fail my driving test - no, passed first time. I’ve also had very low self esteem all my life. I have much older siblings who also made me feel pretty crap at times. We all have issues of some sort don’t we?! I knew I was loved but there wasn’t any effort. I’ve done the opposite with my kids, always birthday parties/trips away/out, lots of presents, homemade (not that it matters!) cakes.. they know they are loved, important and appreciated and I support them in every way I can. I do think it’s mainly generational, I don’t think my parents were aware of how it affected me and it wasn’t on purpose. I’m sure their parents were the same or even more uninvolved as they had to work so hard and had to get through the war.

When I was a teenager in the late 80s there were boys stealing cars & joy riding. Most teens I knew drank alcohol underage at some point, many regularly. There was plenty of antisocial behaviour, possibly more than now as definitely more freedom to roam the streets.

I was born late 70s I also never had a birthday party I cant even ever remember having a birthday cake. i think I was about 40 before I had my first ever birthday cake. Birthdays just weren't important in my family but I didn't know any different. It wasn't until quite recently when I was talking to a friend about our childhoods compared to our own dc's childhoods that friend said how sad it was that my birthdays weren't celebrated. Id never thought about it before but I now agree that it was actually quite sad.
I did grow up with quite low self esteem in my younger days and I now think the fact I was never celebrated or made to feel loved or important in anyway is probably why I had such low self esteem.

Define conflict and difficult situations.

At least kids were able to grow up in those days, learn to deal with conflict and difficult situations without being able to run to their parents for help. It was certainly a lot better than today's helicopter parents raising snowflake kids who can't cope with the adult world.

My DC were born in the early 2000s & kids just didn’t play outside the way we did. I used to suggest they go out to play &
they would complain there was noone to play with. They would sometimes go to a friend’s house after school (organised in advance) but were usually indoors playing on a games console. I resisted games consoles/tablets but all their friends had them! Many of their peers had mobile phones at 8/9 too but mine weren’t allowed one till age 12.
I took them out a lot as I felt I had to entertain them due to other kids never being available to play with. Don’t regret taking them on days out but I do wish they had more opportunity for independent play etc.

Feeding, sheltering and keeping you alive used generally to be considered good enough as parent. Anything else was cherries on top.