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Original poster

To be pissed off at Ex and DD

35 replies

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:06

Just been notified by DD that her df has sent her a fr on sm. it’s the first I knew about him ever being on there. He said he always hated that shit when we were together 🤔
Anyway, I’m annoyed that I feel like it’s a power play, he’s only sent one to her, not our other DC, all adult kids.
He’s barely given a shit about any of them since we separated, was hardly present when we were together tbh.
The other thing I’m pissed off about, is that, I’m the one who has done pretty much everything for her and doing everything for her now. She doesn’t pay anything, she’s been saving to get her own place. Although that’s been going on for yrs now, she spent some on a car, then started saving again. I do all the cooking, cleaning,laundry. She doesn’t lift a frigin finger to help. And moans when I ask. (I know I’m a soft touch) I put up with pretty much the same for years in my marriage too 😬
Yet, she won’t have me has a friend on social media. She’s not an avid user, and it’s not something that bothered me, but accepting her df and refusing me has really pissed me off.
Do I need to chill? Please help me out here it’s really wound me up x

OP posts:
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Dweetfidilove · 27/03/2026 15:40

Stop being a martyr/doormat and you'll feel these things less acutely.

Maxme · 27/03/2026 15:38

Presuming no SEN difficulty.

Notify DD that she needs to pay rent. Set the amount somewhere about 50% of market rate so she can still save.

Stop doing her chores and just let it pile up in her room. Don't cook or anything.

Secretly put the rent in a savings account and gift it to her after she is gone for 6 months or more.

Not good for anyone to be dependent and bratty as an adult.

curious79 · 27/03/2026 15:27

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:11

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

Show quote history

no.. she learnt it from you. That you let her do nothing and she can get away with it. Stand up for yourself and introduce some boundaries (but not because of asocial media - that's just pathetic)

Woodfiresareamazing · 27/03/2026 15:24

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 15:07

It’s not even about the money, I don’t need it. I manage fine without any contribution from her. I’ve even accepted I think that her not giving me anything means she’ll save more, quicker, and be able to move out sooner. That’s been my thinking and hope.
The other dc’s contributed when they lived at home, their own choice and more than happy too. She’s the youngest and has an attitude that boing the youngest everyone else has had more than her 🤷‍♀️
If she would at least do something around the house I don’t think it would be as bad, but just asking her to bring her washing down, or taking her clean laundry upstairs, she huffs and puffs at me, says she’s busy or just totally ignores me. She’s such hard work 🫩

Well, that's an easy one to solve - stop doing her laundry.
She huffs and puffs anyway while you're doing it, so just let her huff and puff over you NOT doing it.

Next, meals ... cook for yourself, not her. Yes there will be more huffing and puffing but so what?

If she really doesn't like it she can go and stay with her dad.

You've got to start being more assertive, OP.

Swiftie1878 · 27/03/2026 15:14

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:11

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

Show quote history

Stop with the victim nonsense and assert yourself.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/03/2026 15:11

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 15:07

It’s not even about the money, I don’t need it. I manage fine without any contribution from her. I’ve even accepted I think that her not giving me anything means she’ll save more, quicker, and be able to move out sooner. That’s been my thinking and hope.
The other dc’s contributed when they lived at home, their own choice and more than happy too. She’s the youngest and has an attitude that boing the youngest everyone else has had more than her 🤷‍♀️
If she would at least do something around the house I don’t think it would be as bad, but just asking her to bring her washing down, or taking her clean laundry upstairs, she huffs and puffs at me, says she’s busy or just totally ignores me. She’s such hard work 🫩

If she won't bring her washing down or take the clean washing back upstairs, just stop doing her washing. The solution is in your hands but you seem scared of her reaction.

You are constantly on tenterhooks and walking on egg shells so as not to upset her. That is no life for you. She is rude, entitled and ungrateful. She sounds like a chip off the old block where her dad is concerned.

Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 15:07

It’s not even about the money, I don’t need it. I manage fine without any contribution from her. I’ve even accepted I think that her not giving me anything means she’ll save more, quicker, and be able to move out sooner. That’s been my thinking and hope.
The other dc’s contributed when they lived at home, their own choice and more than happy too. She’s the youngest and has an attitude that boing the youngest everyone else has had more than her 🤷‍♀️
If she would at least do something around the house I don’t think it would be as bad, but just asking her to bring her washing down, or taking her clean laundry upstairs, she huffs and puffs at me, says she’s busy or just totally ignores me. She’s such hard work 🫩

OP posts:
Notrees · 27/03/2026 14:50

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:11

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

Show quote history

She's learnt it from you because you are the one doing it all for her. The fbfr is nothing to get worked up about.

Madarch · 27/03/2026 14:48

Tell her 'profiting' from her is nonsense and that you're changing the locks three months from today unless she starts behaving like the grown up she is.

Lobesloope · 27/03/2026 14:44

My exDH was a lazy cocklodger. I felt bad about ruining DDs happy childhood when we divorced and, having grown up in poverty, wanted her to have everything I didnt. Unfortunately she took it with her dad's attitude and became a complete spoilt brat 🙈 at 14 i've given up and let her live with darling daddy. I've had a few messages: she wanted me to take her on holiday for her birthday. Tough love from now on, so no! I'm done bending over backwards for scraps/disdain.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/03/2026 14:42

Charging rent and her doing chores in a shared home isn't you profitering off her.... she's an adult and adults pay their way. She's a manipulative selfish madam, make a date even if it's a year from now and she either moves out or starts paying a rate that you decide.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/03/2026 14:39

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 14:23

I’ve tried so many times to ask her to contribute but it’s always the same outcome. She starts an argument about it, tells me she’s not here for me to profit from 😵‍💫 storms off whenever I try to explain. Won’t speak for days, makes the environment so horrible I just want to cry.
my ex was just the same whenever I tried discussing anything with him, so I just remained silent for peace and my sanity until I could take no more of what was going on.

i just don’t understand why she and df are so take take take and all our other dc and I will give you the last penny we have. I know there’s a happy medium. And there’s a lot in my upbringing that’s makes me the way I am and how I’ve always tried to teach my dc to be thoughtful and giving. I just think I’m extreme in my giving and can’t find a way to change it, even though I know people close to me are taking the piss out of me and it’s killing me.

Don't cook for her, don't do her washing, don't clean her room. Don't buy her clothes or toiletries. If she kicks up a fuss, tell her to go and live with her dad.

Her remark about you making a profit from her would absolutely enrage me.

Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 14:38

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/03/2026 14:27

This! The SM seems to be a bit of a red herring.

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Yes, I think that’s why was my tipping point x

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 14:35

SockPlant · 27/03/2026 14:28

so?

one of my offspring had an attempt at her life, depression and self harming. When we had got over the worst of it, offspring realised off their own bat that staying with the safety net of parents didn't give the impetus to get on and try to make their life work. So they moved into a shared house and it isn't smooth, it deffo isn't perfect, but it is working as intended. There is a job, there is therapy, and there is fun to be had too.

Safety net is still there, and we have the advantage of parents still being together and stepping in upon request (or just when we want to). Perhaps, OP, your DD needs to stand on her own two feet?

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ifs not like she’s not even been away from home, she was away at uni. But still brought her washing home. Phoned up for us to take food over etc. she wants her own place but just plays incompetent constantly. She has a good job, well payed and I just really want her to move out. She acts like her life is so difficult because she needs her own space but then complains about the cost of rent/utilities but won’t see that from my point of view.
i think that’s why I’m pissed off about the fr, I feel like I’m being even more disrespected because I do everything, he doesn’t give a fk really and she’s acting like she’s the favourite dc now.

OP posts:
SockPlant · 27/03/2026 14:30

Oh OP, it is hard for you. But you are a parent, you have to learn that sometimes the tough-er love is what they need. Really, it is better for all of you.

Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 14:29

SockPlant · 27/03/2026 14:25

but you are a grown adult. Give her a date by which she has to be out, or she has to do half the housework, cooking, cleaning etc etc.

And if she doesn't like it? she can go and live with her dad.

Social media isn't the problem.

Show quote history

I can’t, I’m too soft, I wish I could be that firm with her. When her dad did finally leave she said she was going to move in with him. They’ve never been close, so I didn’t understand why? But he didn’t want her too, and he wouldn’t live with her. But I’d never tell her that, he fobbed her off with some crap

OP posts:
SockPlant · 27/03/2026 14:28

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:16

Rather than drip feed, I’ll just add now that my dd had serious mental health issues, suicide attempts, self harming etc. so we tiptoed around her afraid of upsetting her for many years. This has contributed a great deal I feel to her attitude of entitlement now. No amount of talking to her now works. Whenever I try she pulls the mental health card on me. But yes I am a soft touch, and she knows exactly how to play it. My other dc tell me constantly she manipulates me.

so?

one of my offspring had an attempt at her life, depression and self harming. When we had got over the worst of it, offspring realised off their own bat that staying with the safety net of parents didn't give the impetus to get on and try to make their life work. So they moved into a shared house and it isn't smooth, it deffo isn't perfect, but it is working as intended. There is a job, there is therapy, and there is fun to be had too.

Safety net is still there, and we have the advantage of parents still being together and stepping in upon request (or just when we want to). Perhaps, OP, your DD needs to stand on her own two feet?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/03/2026 14:27

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2026 12:07

I'd be more pissed off at your daughter paying fuck all and doing fuck all.

This! The SM seems to be a bit of a red herring.

SockPlant · 27/03/2026 14:25

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:11

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

Show quote history

but you are a grown adult. Give her a date by which she has to be out, or she has to do half the housework, cooking, cleaning etc etc.

And if she doesn't like it? she can go and live with her dad.

Social media isn't the problem.

Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 14:23

I’ve tried so many times to ask her to contribute but it’s always the same outcome. She starts an argument about it, tells me she’s not here for me to profit from 😵‍💫 storms off whenever I try to explain. Won’t speak for days, makes the environment so horrible I just want to cry.
my ex was just the same whenever I tried discussing anything with him, so I just remained silent for peace and my sanity until I could take no more of what was going on.

i just don’t understand why she and df are so take take take and all our other dc and I will give you the last penny we have. I know there’s a happy medium. And there’s a lot in my upbringing that’s makes me the way I am and how I’ve always tried to teach my dc to be thoughtful and giving. I just think I’m extreme in my giving and can’t find a way to change it, even though I know people close to me are taking the piss out of me and it’s killing me.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 27/03/2026 13:50

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:11

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

Show quote history

stop blaming your ex.

You're the one accepting her behaviour and still doing it all.

Stop doing it. Dont do anything for her.

"learned that from her father" - no she learnt it from you.

x2boys · 27/03/2026 12:43

MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:11

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

Show quote history

So tell her she neds to start paying her way?

OriginalUsername2 · 27/03/2026 12:27

If your ex and dd are manipulative then you’re playing right into their hands by getting upset about this. Play it cool.

Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:22

TMFF · 27/03/2026 12:19

Well thank goodness you didn't drip-feed this.

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I didn’t want to make excuses for the situation sorry. I’m more than prepared to take accountability for my actions in this x

OP posts:
Original poster
MsSomebodyNow · 27/03/2026 12:19

ValidPistachio · 27/03/2026 12:17

This literally is a drip feed.

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I didn’t want to give a full life history, sorry x

OP posts: