Am I Using Parenting As A Clutch?

I don’t think it is cut and dried.

On the one hand it sounds as though your DH is in denial that he is a parent if he is thinking you can join a social group as the only parents to young children or that you can just bring a clingy child along without consequences for him or it irritating the other adults who may not chose to have/bring any [older] children.

However, it may ALSO be that you are a bit enmeshed in your toddler’s clinginess (only you can know that) as it serves a purpose (eg makes you feel needed, provides a foil to avoid socialising etc).

Have you always preferred one-to-one/small group socialising in which case he is being unreasonable, or have you withdrawn into yourself since becoming a mother, having previously been a social butterfly? If the latter, then maybe address why you have changed and how this impacts your relationship - you may be able to find a middle ground where both your needs are met.

What is the group? Why has it been male-only till now? Why do they want women to join suddenly? 4

If you have any interest in doing whatever it is this group does, then I suppose worth giving it a go, but on the basis that your husband looks after your toddler entirely for the entire time you're there.

Do any of the adults at this group want a toddler there?

You can absolutely decide you don't want to join this group for reasons unrelated to parenting - own it and tell him the truth.

"I want you to sit with the wives that you don't know." - husbands

I am of the view that, when offered an opportunity, it is usually worthwhile at least giving it a shot. Go along once and see how it feels, rather than dismiss it out of hand without experiencing how it actually is. If, after one try, you decide it's really not for you, then fair enough - don't go again. What have you got to lose apart from a couple of hours?

Because the thinking is that he wants her to attend with the kids without thinking he is going to have to do any parenting, and OP will in fact have to do it all. Did you read any of the OP thread?

Thats why the suggestion is to elicit whether DH will accept OP going but not taking any parental responsibility.

Why does he need to do 95% and her 5% ? Just because he wants to go to an event with his wife? Wtf? Both me and my DP want eachoter to be part of our friends groups. It doesn’t mean we always go together but we do make an effort. We have young DCs his friends have teenagers so we either try to get a babysitter or if we have to take dcs to an event we look after them equally, why is it the man having to do the majority jus because he would like his wife ti attend? If we end up taking children one of us comes only for few hours and takes the children home earlier. It’s all about compromise and see what works and making effort for each others groups of friends.
OP I get that sometimes logistically it can be difficult when you have a toddler but if you refuse completely to socialise with his friends I can see why it’s hurtful for him. I’d be annoyed too.

I see where you are coming from.

I think it would not be ideal if you didn’t want to socialise with anyone.

but I think a group with other families / children would be much better.

Your husband is more extroverted than you. Introverts ( like me) did find the children excuse useful socially because social company is not what energises me, in fact it tires me out. Some people get energy off others, introverts find others rather draining and get energy from their own company, especially when the children are busy in themselves or asleep. So not so much as a crutch - you don’t have to lean on others, more an excuse. Shore up your husbands confidence by saying how you admire his social nature and wish you were more like him and hope he can put up with your lack of it.
I also realised after they grew up how I loved the babysitter excuse, sorry got to go because of the babysitter. Bliss. Just know your strengths and as for joining his men’s club! I think it’s him that needs a crutch 😄time he pulled up his big boy pants.

you probably are but i’ve totally done the same. But thinking about it; if you don’t want to socialise you absolutely don’t have to, and neither should we as grown ups have to explain why. having children is a smashing excuse though. i still use it even though i can leave the chn for a few hours in their own now they are older!!

sometimes i just don’t fancy hanging out with groups of people. so i don’t!!

Your husband asked you to go to a group he's involved with. Go as a show of support and respect for him. If you don't like it don't go back. It reads as if you might be a bit uncomfortable around people you don't know but he wants you to be involved with him. That's a really important consideration. In marriage people have to go to events or meetings or socializing they don't want to go to all the time. Does he go with you when you have stuff like that? Or are you too homebound?

YANBU. I wouldn’t go either. Even if I didn’t have a toddler !

I mean I can think of few things worse than having to socialise with the wives from the tennis club or golf or whatever.

It’s fine to say, that doesn’t sound enjoyable and I’d rather stick to spending time with my friends who I enjoy.

When this happens with Dh, the crux of the issue is that he is anxious about socialising and doesn’t want to go hang out with his friends alone, so wants me to come along so I carry the conversation and he doesn’t feel awkward. 🙄 I don’t do stuff I don’t enjoy or hang out with people I don’t really like, kids or no kids.

But the issue is, I don’t really want to.
I would much rather have one on one conversations with my friends or make new friends this way.

So your DH is right that you are using your toddler as an excuse to get out of going to this group? Why not just say you don't like mixing with big groups and prefer to meet people 1 on 1 as you've said here?

I would just do a mental check that you aren't using "being a parent" to opt out of any social activities- it's all too easy to do this and realise in a few years time that your child doesn't need you in the same way any more and your friends have all drifted away.

Do you socialise with your own friends? Do you have friends that you socialise with as a couple? If so, you can point out to him that you're happy socialising but that you're just not interested in being added to his 'men's group' and being expected to socialise with the groups wives. Is he a mason? I've had friends whose husbands are in the masons and they say that the events they're expected to go to are pretty boring!

Would children even be invited to this group? It sounds to me as if your husband's Men's group are thinking of adding wives/girlfriends to the group, and your husband would like you to attend with him. It seems that he's wanting to socialise with you, and feels you are using your child as an excuse not too. I get the feeling that this group is adults only!

Do you have parents/in-laws/siblings/friends who can babysit for you? If you really don't want to go to the group then don't but I think your husband is trying to spend some adult time with you and other adults. Do you go out as a couple? Either meeting up with other couples or go out just the two of you? Do you go out with your friends?

If you don't have anyone to babysit, then I'm not sure how your husband expects you to socialise with a toddler!! The only way is separately or you need to find a babysitting service.

You need a conversation with your husband!

Are you using it as a crutch? If your toddler wasn’t the issue would you still not want to go? Do you go out and socialise? The way you prefer to do it? Perhaps be honest with your DH and tell him you prefer to socialise in a different way if that’s the case. I don’t see anything wrong with his suggestion to be honest, it’s a great way to socialise as a family and you can take turns looking after your child.

This.

Tell him this and see if he is still 100%, because if he wants you there to still do all the childcare then he is being unreasonable.

And beware if he says yes but acts NO; that first event you go to; you have 5% involvement looking after your child as opposed to his 95%

No. It sounds to me as though rather than being an excuse or crutch, being a parent is something that makes socialising different and more challenging. And that if you're going to make the effort to overcome the challenges, you naturally want to feel the reward is worth it.
Spending time with your existing friends feels more worth it than taking a chance with a bunch of people you've never met before and are not especially interested in.
It's telling that your husband doesn't get this, because its a sign parenting doesn't make socialising more difficult for him. I'm guessing he isn't the one who'd be taking the lead on making sure the DC were supervised, entertained and so on.

Why do you have to bring your child? It doesn't sound like anyone else does. So in that way, it does sound like you're making an excuse. Can't you get a babysitter and go out without your kid?

But the issue is, I don’t really want to.

Don't accept this as an issue, not wanting to attend an event is valid and 100% optional. If your husband is unhappy, that is also fine, he can find a solution that doesn't involve making his wife unhappy.

It doesn't sound like a very good group for you. If he wants to go fine. Don't you go if you don't want to. It sounds grim.

Lots of things muddled in together.

Your DH wants to socialise with you and thinks you are using being a parent as an excuse not to socialise. If this is the case (and he may have a point), get a babysitter / do babysitting swaps with another parent. Go out socialising with your husband; with other friends, or just the two of you (ideally a bit of both). It's a good thing to do if you can anyway -- or go out socialising (1:1 or in a group as you see fit) in the way you want to entirely on your own without your toddler. You have social needs, and socialising with a toddler is better than being 1:1 with a toddler 24/7 but doesn't really meet an adult's social needs fully.

Your DH wants you to come to his men's group. That feels weird all on its own, but maybe it's a group of friends and he wants you to be part of it. As above, but if you agree to go (as part of a wider "we do socialising in a variety of ways" way) without the toddler in tow.

Your DH has no clue how hard it is to "socialise" with a toddler. If he is a decent human being, he needs to learn. He can try socialising with the toddler without you. He will discover that he cannot finish full sentences and is on child alert all the time (or should be). It is not an excuse to say that it is very hard to socialise in a meaningful way with a toddler in tow.

Your husband can take his child along, then his issue is solved.

Decline his offer to attend a men's group, you have your own friends.

Single sex groups are important.

Does your h take your toddler to his meetups? Do these meetups involve alcohol and drinking?

I suspect that you’re both right and wrong.

My guess is that he doesn’t know how stressful it is to look after your child because you’re there to do it but it’s also very possible that you’re using your child as an excuse not to socialize. People with kids can be friends with people without kids. Meeting a group could be a good way for you to meet people you might want to meet one on one.

I like the idea of you going but h being in charge of looking after your child. Hopefully you’ll have a good time and he’ll see how hard it is to look after a child and you’ll both respect each other’s experience.